“Why won’t you even look at me?” I shrieked desperately. My vision was blurred with hot tears. My hands were trembling, my head was pounding, and my chest hurt so bad I could barely take it.
But I wasn’t even met with a stare. They just continued to calmly watch TV, talking to each other about how bad tomorrow’s weather looked.
“I’m your son!” My throat hurt from how loud I was screaming. “I’m not invisible! I know you can hear me! I know you can see me! Please just look at me!”
I reached out to touch the man in front of me. The man who had taught me how to play baseball and soccer. The man who had paraded me around on his shoulders. The man who had, not long ago, loving called me by my silly pet-name and ruffled my hair.
But it felt like there was a barrier between me and them now. A barrier of hate and disgust built between us, of shame and loathing.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking. “I’m sorry! I’ll do anything if you’ll just look at me! I don’t want to be invisible! I don’t want to be…alone.” I was sobbing now, and the pain in my chest took over, dropping me to my knee, crying so hard I could barely breathe.
***
I was in a familiar bedroom. Blake was laying on his bed, his hands folded behind his head, his gaze fixed on his ceiling.
“You’re quiet today Connor. What’s wrong?” His gaze slid from the ceiling to my face.
I met his eyes, my chest still aching violently. “I just…It…Nothing. It’s nothing Blake.”
He shifted and sat up, getting closer to me. “Did something happen between you and Luka?”
I shook my head. “No. Nothing happened between me and anybody,” I lied quietly.
“Where is Luka, anyways?” Blake asked.
“He’s home,” I mumbled. I wanted nothing more than to go to Luka. To fall into his arms and break apart. But I had cried an ocean already, and I just didn’t think there were any tears left. I didn’t want Luka to see me upset. It would break his heart, and I couldn’t do that to him. It was best if he didn’t see me like this.
Blake hesitated before wrapping his arms around me. I hugged him back tightly, the pain in my chest easing just a little.
Blake pulled away and brushed my hair out of my eyes, staring into them. “Connor, I’ve never seen you this upset before. What happened?” he asked gently.
I fought hard to hold back my feelings, and somehow managed to. “Nothing Blake.” I forced a smile. It was shaky, but there.
“Connor…” Blake trailed off, his eyes darting from my eyes to my lips. He dragged his gaze back to my eyes. He reached over and put his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to himself.
That pain in my chest eased a little more, to my relief. I looked at Blake, and suddenly, I felt curious. “Blake…tell me what you think of me. What you really think of me. Don’t lie, and don’t hold anything back,” I said. Would his words help ease the pain like his touch had?
He searched my eyes and gulped, hesitating before nodding to himself. “I…Connor, I like you. A lot. As more than just my best friend. You’re perfect to me. You’re sweet, caring, romantic, honest, funny, and laid back. I’ve liked you for a long time. I’m jealous of Luka. I admit it. And seeing you in pain right now…I hate it. I hate to ever see you upset.”
He dropped his head, snapping his mouth shut, blushing bright red. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I just fucked up our friendship, huh?” He laughed nervously.
I put my hand under his chin, tilting his head up. “No. I asked for the truth.”
Blake’s eyes widened a little. He nervously bit his lip, back to searching my eyes. That feeling of being recognized, of being loved, made the image of my parents flash through my brain, and a wave of pain crashed over me, threatening to drag me into a deep depression.
But Blake chose that moment to lean forward and close the space between us, kissing me deeply. He wrapped his arms around my neck. His lips broke away from mine briefly.
“I’ve loved you for a long time Connor.” Then his lips were back on mine.
Those words overpowered me, and I got lost in that feeling. That feeling of being loved, noticed, cared for, important. Visible.
I kissed him back.
“STOP!”
I clutched my head tightly, my memories running wild. My body began to tremble as I fought off those memories.
“Stop,” I panted, falling back on my bed and squeezing my eyes shut. I reopened them, hating myself. Why hadn’t I been thinking of Luka in that moment? Why did I have to be so goddamned selfish? All I had wanted was to be noticed, and Blake had given that me. And his kiss had awakened my love for him as we gave ourselves to each other that night.
I remembered the horrible guilt I had felt the next morning when I woke up in the arms of Blake. How he had calmed me despite his own guilt and panic.
Blake had wanted me so badly that he had been willing to hurt Luka to get me. To sleep with his friend’s boyfriend. And now he hated me so much, he was willing to do anything to crush me.
I got out of my bed and left my room. I couldn’t stay in this house any longer. I needed some air or something.
I paused as I saw my dad walking down the hallway to get to his room. I bit my lip and stood in his path, a desperate need for any sort of contact forming in me.
My dad slammed into me, not slowing his pace. I stumbled and fell to the ground. He kicked me as he kept on walking, disappearing into his bedroom as if it hadn’t happened.
I got to my feet and hurried outside before I did anything else stupid. I sat in my front yard and buried my face in my hands.
“Luka. Blake,” I choked out.
Maybe I should just let Blake ruin me. I deserved it after what I had done. Yes, I had loved him. But not at first. No, at first, it had just been out of need. Blake was right. I had used him just to feel loved and visible.
And by using Blake, I had betrayed Luka. I didn’t deserve to have him, especially not after what I had done.
No.
“Pull yourself together Connor,” I whispered desperately.
Why was I breaking apart now? I had held strong for so long. I couldn’t just give up now. Luka was worth fighting for. Just because my world was hanging on a string and Blake had the scissors to cut that string, so to speak, it didn’t mean I had to give up.
There had to be something I could do to stop Blake. Anything to buy myself a little time would help at this point.
I got to my feet and clenched my fists tightly. “Fight back Connor. You’ve never been a quitter,” I said, gritting my teeth. “Stop pitying yourself, stop torturing yourself over the past. It’s over. Focus on right now.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out and flipped it open. “Hello?” I answered.
“Hi Connor!” Luka shouted, making me wince.
“Hi Luka. Thank you for making me deaf. What’s up?”
Luka giggled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you deaf. Do you want to hang out right now?”
I shrugged even though he obviously couldn’t see me. “Sure, sounds fun. I’ll hop in my car right now.”
“Yay!” Luka cheered. “See you in a few minutes!”
I hung up and went into the house, grabbing my keys and getting in my car. I took off towards Luka’s house, trying to calm myself down.
Yes, I had just had an incredibly weak moment. But I had to stop pitying myself. Blake was right when he said that I had brought this on myself. It was my own fault, and I had to deal with it by myself. I wasn’t going to let Luka get hurt just because of my decision.
Time to go hang out with my boyfriend and do what I do best. Pretend I was alright.
I got out when I got to Luka’s house and rang the doorbell. Paul answered and smiled at me as he stepped aside to let me in.
“Hi Connor. Luka’s in the basement,” he said.
“Alright. Thanks Paul,” I said, nodding at him before going through the house to the basement.
I went downstairs and froze. Luka looked over at me and smiled widely, bounding over and kissing me.
“Hey Connor,” Blake greeted, casually twirling his iPod in his hand.
“Hi Blake,” I said, wrapping an arm around Luka’s waist. I resisted the urge to tell Blake to just show the damn video to Luka already. I couldn’t let Blake win. I couldn’t let him destroy Luka’s happiness.
“Oh, Connor’s here,” Felix said, coming out from the back part of the basement. He smiled and waved at me. “Hi Connor!”
“Hi Felix,” I said, nodding at him.
“I thought it would be fun to all hang out! I was hoping we could play cards. I feel like playing BS,” Luka said with an affirmative nod.
“Cards sounds like fun to me,” Blake said with a shrug. Felix and I nodded in agreement.
Luka smiled and led us upstairs and into the kitchen. We sat down at the table and Luka dealt out some cards to us.
We began to play, talking casually as we did so. I barely glanced at Blake. He had his stupid iPod on the table, occasionally picking it up to twirl it in his hands.
“One Jack,” I lied, setting down a five.
Luka began to whistle as he laid down two Queens. I had been lying pretty much the entire game, and none of them had called me out on it. Was I really a good liar? Should I be happy that I could lie so smoothly, or should I be ashamed?
“Luka, I have to go soon. My parents want me home for dinner because my grandma is coming up to eat with us,” Blake said, glancing at the time.
“Okay Blake,” Luka said.
“I have to head out soon too,” I said, noticing that it was getting late. My neighbor had asked me to help him move some logs from his garage to his backyard, and was going to pay me for it. I needed that money. “I have to help my neighbor.” I would have to go home, eat something so I wouldn’t get lightheaded, and change into clothes that I didn’t mind getting dirty.
“Aw! You guys are no fun,” Luka said with a pout.
I leaned over and kissed him. “Sorry,” I said with a small smile.
“Hey Connor, can I talk to you quick?” Blake asked, standing up.
I mentally sighed and got up as well. Luka and Felix watched us curiously as Blake led me away and down to the basement.
I shut the door and followed him down the stairs. Blake ran a hand through his hair and sighed, turning to face me.
“I’m done,” he muttered. “I thought about all you said, and I’m done. I won’t tell Luka. I’ll delete the video. Maybe you deserve it, but I don’t want to hurt Luka. I’m sorry Connor.”
I froze, staring at him. Was he serious?
“You probably don’t believe me. But I’m sick of this revenge shit, Connor. You’re my best friend dude,” he said quietly.
“Blake…” I bit my lip. I didn’t know what to say.
“You don’t have to say anything Connor. Just know that it’s over now. You and Luka can go on happily.” He gave me a weak smile before walking past me and heading back up the stairs.
I watched him go, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. He was going to leave us alone. Luka never had to know about the affair, or my parents.
Relief swept through me and I followed Blake up the stairs and back to the kitchen. I smiled at Luka and hugged him to me, kissing him deeply.
“Hey, I have to go. I have to work soon. But I love you so much,” I said before kissing him again.
“I love you too,” Luka said, smiling and hugging me.
I waved to him, Felix, and Blake before leaving the house. I got in my car, a small smile coming to my face. I really got to stay with the boy I loved.
I got out once I was at my house and went inside, grabbing a poptart before heading to my bedroom. I changed into some older clothes and laid on my bed, since I had a little time before I had to go. I began to eat my poptart, another smile coming to my face.
My phone buzzed and I checked the caller ID before flipping it open. “Hey Luka,” I said cheerfully.
“Connor.”
Luka choked out my name and my eyes went wide. I sat up straight, clutching my cell phone tightly.
“Luka, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” I asked in concern.
“Connor…” It sounded like he was fighting back tears.
“Baby, what happened? Did someone hurt you?” I demanded, fear coursing through me steadily.
“What the fuck Connor?” Now I was sure he was crying.
My heart began to slam. Luka never swore, and he especially never said fuck. “Luka, what?” I begged him. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
And with his next words, my world began to steadily crumble down around me.
“Connor, Blake just showed me that video of your parents hurting you in the basement.”