𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚎𝚡𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚗𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚛 𝚎𝚗𝚍. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚜 𝙸 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛. ― 𝙀𝙪𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙖
❀
Time. It's funny how one moment you're crawling out of bed on a Monday morning, unwilling to get to work, school, college. Then it's Sunday, you're lying in bed all day, enjoying the nothingness of your existence. Or maybe questioning it. But at least you're in bed.
Time. You get into a new relationship. The love and the butterflies are constantly there. Then, two years later, you get happily married. Or happily break up, because they were toxic for you and you couldn't walk away. But, damn, you got the time to stand on your own feet and walk away.
Time. You just gave birth. You hold your baby for the first time and it's new and scary and beautiful. Then, your kid is eighteen and leaves you for college and start their own life.
Time. One minute you're hugging the person you love the most in the world. The next minute they're gone.
One minute your mother is there. And then it's her one year death anniversary.
Time. It's funny how it works. How fast it disappears. And how much time we waste trying to reach... time.
One year. It had been a whole year since Natalie Turner died. Amber's mother. Iris' and Sam's mother, that they only knew from pictures. Mark's wife, the love of his life. But that's not what the day was about, because Sam was turning one. And they needed to celebrate life. That's what they had agreed to do.
But that morning was a little too hard for Amber to wake up, even if Iris was there trying to get her big sister's attention. There had been a few months since the day Amber finally got the courage to write that letter to her mother. And it had been a little bit easier since then. She had moved back to Seattle, she was constantly with her family. She had even gotten a job at a bookstore. She was just trying as she gave herself time to figure out what she was seeking from life. Would she still want to be a social worker in a month? Would she end up writing a book? Would she just drop everything and travel the world? She wasn't sure. But she knew she needed the time to decide.
What you want from life isn't a decision you make overnight.
"Amby!" Iris exclaimed as she pushed Amber's body with her tiny hands. Amber had been ignoring her sister for the last minute. She couldn't bother to even talk to her. It was extremely hard for her to wake up that day. She needed to skip it so she wouldn't feel that awful ache she felt the first days after her mother's death.
But Iris was not the one to give up. The three year old was overexcited that her little brother was having his first birthday. And she wanted her big sister to be equally excited. But the memories Amber had wouldn't let her. Not enough time had passed for her to celebrate birthdays on the same day as death anniversaries. Even if it was her own brother's.
"Amby!"
"What?" Amber yelled as she sat up and Iris looked at her with wide eyes as Amber had never yelled to her before. "Sorry, sorry sweetie." Amber immediately apologised and lifted Iris up in bed. "What is it?"
"Daddy needs help. He said to wake you up before I end up eating the cake. But it's so yummy."
"Mark is making cake?" Amber wondered surprised. "Okay, um, let's just go downstairs." She decided. Lying around was going to help anyone. Especially Mark who she had made a promise to shut him out that day.
"Can I get some cake?" Iris wondered.
"Maybe later."
❀
The time for the small get together had arrived. It wasn't an actual party. The loss was still pretty fresh for everyone. So only Mark's closest friends from the hospital were there. And it was an opportunity for Iris to see her best friends, Zola and Sofia.
The reason everyone had gathered at their house was actually asleep. Little Sam fell asleep of his cake, not really bothering to stay awake to celebrate his big day. So the adults were in the living room sharing a bottle of wine as their kids were there playing whatever their imagination created.
Amber was sitting there quietly, having a glass of wine. She had became more familiar with alcohol since the first time she drunk. She sure knew better when to stop. Most of the times. Everyone else was talking. And their topic was something that made Amber feel a little bit worse.
"Well, that's the second time we aren't going to eat cake. Well, the first time was more dramatic." Callie commented making everyone else laugh.
"Aw, yeah Iris got the opportunity to, eat the cake and be the cake all at the same time." Derek added, remembering Iris' first birthday party. And all Amber could hear was how Natalie was supposed to be on this party too.
"Natalie was yelling at me for picking up the wrong one." Mark remembered. A bittersweet feeling crept up inside of him. And then someone did mentioned her mom's name. And Amber stood up quickly before they ended up remembering more. She couldn't hear their stories. "Hey, where are you going?" Mark asked her.
"To take a walk."
❀
"I thought I'd might find you here." Mark said as he spotted Amber.
Amber was standing quietly over her mother's gravestone. She had spent the last thirty minutes there. It felt the only right place to be in that moment. Visiting her mother, telling her how much she missed her. But then again she hadn't let out a word since she arrived.
Mark gave her a little time before he followed her to the only place he knew she would be.
"Here I am. Where else would I be?" Amber spoke without glancing over at him.
"Sorry if it got a little too much in there." He apologised as he stood next to her. He kept his eyes on his wife's name. He was in pain. His heart was in pain. His body. His mind. All the memories were too much. He had spent the whole day trying to be a happy father. But in his mind he was a heartbroken husband and he missed Natalie. He felt incomplete like a piece of him was missing. She had taken it with her the day she passed away, Mark was sure.
"It didn't" Amber reassured him. "But I left before it would. Because I know I promised you that we would celebrate life today. And I did. I helped with the cake. I helped with the decoration. I got Sam a gift. I cleaned him up with he had cake all over him. I put him to bed. I... but now I want to miss her."
"I wanted both of us to have that opportunity." Mark told her. "I was going to suggest to throw a small memorial for her, just the two of us."
"How?"
"I brought coffee." He gave her a smile smile as he handed her the cup of coffee. One of the things that were connected with her.
Amber smiled and took a sip of the hot liquor. She closed her eyes and pictured her mother there with them. And for a second it was okay. But then she opened her eyes again and she had to face the cold reality that Natalie was not with there. Her body at least. Because her memory was living inside of them. And that exactly Amber's biggest fear.
"I can't believe that one year passed.I am scared Mark. I am scared that as more time passes I will forget her." Amber admitted. "I will forget her face and her voice and..."
"You won't..." Mark reassured her and touched her shoulder giving her a little comfort. "We have so much around us that will remind us of her. I have you, for example."
"How?" Amber huffed. "I look nothing like her. And it's unfortunate because she was one of the kind."
Mark smiled as he remembered the first time he saw her. Her eyes, the first thing he noticed. Even if they gave him a hard look. It was the same eyes that made him feel all the love that he had missed in his life.
"Don't get me wrong" he started saying, "your mother was beautiful. Natalie was breathtaking. That's what I first noticed about her, I am not going to lie. But that's not why I fell in love with her. She was amazing in ways no one else I know is. She was caring and forgiving. She was the boss and she made sure that everyone knew that." He chuckled bittersweet. "She was fearless even when she felt weak. Her soul was... beautiful." He paused and turned to look at Amber. "It's your soul Amber. You have her soul."
The tears didn't take much time to fall from her eyes as Mark spoke those words. The words Amber needed to hear. They hugged each other and stayed in peaceful silence for a second.
Both of them were reviving in their heads memories of the woman that changed their lives. So many powerful words she had used to help them. So many days spent taking care of them. She gave them all her love. She gave them everything they needed. And it was enough for a lifetime. The feelings were enough. The memories would never fade away.
It was enough.
And at the same time it wasn't.
"If she was with us right now, what would you tell her?" Amber was the first one who broke the silence.
Mark took a minute to think. And there was only one phrase he would want to tell her. "I would tell her what a horrible wife she is for leaving me with two toddlers. Only she wasn't terrible. And the time I got to be with her will forever be the best time of my life." He said before he turned his face up the sky, just like the night Natalie passed away. "Natalia, I will love you until all the stars in the universe burn out."
"Your turn." He then told Amber.
Amber didn't spend a second thinking about her answer. "I would probably tell her to stop drinking coffee." She said dead serious and a second later they were laughing. Just like that. Just because of her.
"Yeah, wise choice." Mark agreed. "Not that she would ever listen to anyone. Her stubbornness made me love her a little more." He admitted.
"To her stubbornness." Amber raised her cup of coffee, making Mark follow her movement. "Cheers, mom."
"Cheers, Natalia."
"Cheers."
𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙣𝙙
❀
ᴀɴᴅ ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴏᴠᴇʀ. ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴀᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ ᴏᴠᴇʀ. ɪ ᴀᴍ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ ᴄʀʏ. ɪ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ᴅᴇᴀʟ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜɪꜱ. ᴏʜ ɢᴏᴅ, ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʟᴇᴛ ᴛʜɪꜱ ʙᴏᴏᴋ ɢᴏ. ᴏᴋᴀʏ, ɪ ᴀᴍ ꜱᴏʀʀʏ. ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ꜱᴇɴꜱɪᴛɪᴠᴇ ʟᴀᴛᴇʟʏ.
ɪ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ. ᴀʟʟ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴋɪɴᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴅꜱ. ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ᴠᴏᴛᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴛ. ᴅᴀᴍɴ, ᴛʜᴏꜱᴇ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴍʏ ɴᴏᴛɪꜰɪᴇꜱ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴀᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ ꜱᴘᴀᴍᴍᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ɪ ᴡᴀꜱ ꜱᴍɪʟɪɴɢ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ᴡɪʟʟ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴏʟᴅ ᴀ ꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ.
ɴᴀᴛᴀʟɪᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀᴍʙᴇʀ.
ᴄʜᴇᴇʀꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇᴍ.
ᴄʜᴇᴇʀꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜ.
ᴊᴜꜱᴛ... ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ.