the night the stars fell - poetry collection

anxiety

my worst anxieties are not open-ended fears
what-ifs that will probably never happen
no matter how real they feel
my worst anxieties are promised
things that i am not afraid to do
instead im terrified of how i will do them
what if i fail? embarrass myself?
what if it all goes smoothly, but i've overworked myself to the point that i scream at someone
and i ruin all my success with a quick outburst
and when they get mad at me will i stand up for myself?
or will i take it.
internalize it.
absolve them of all guilt and take the sole blame for a crime i didn't commit
just to save face?
save myself from the anxiety i feel when in an argument?
and replace it with the depression i feel when i join in on the destruction of my soul.
when i join their side, berating myself for doing something to upset them, while simultaneously cursing myself out for letting them berate me, will the depression be worth the lack of anxiety?
is my anxiety more crushing than my depression?
im not sure if constant fear for my life is more pressing than my intent need to find out what will finally kill me.
and i'm scared.
im really scared
that all my forgiveness and self-beration will not be worth it and they'll leave my stomped corpse when they have no more use for my kindness.