I really hope you like the chappy as much as I do. Song up there is Half alive by Secondhand Serenade. Play at the end. Enjoy.
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What's done cannot be undone.-William Shakespeare, Macbeth
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Wait! Did I really just say that out loud? Crap, I didn't mean to. For starters because I wasn't even sure about it. And secondly because nobody of them, besides Logan, knew about it. And I wasn't exactly up for that convo. I mentally groaned, annoyed with myself. I should really think about the things I want to say, before actually saying them out loud.
And then they started talking. More like asking questions. All at once. I almost winced.
"You were bullied?"
"Why haven't you told us?!"
"What did she do to you?"
"I swear I'm going to break her neck the next time I see her!"
They bombarded me with a hundred questions more until I couldn't take it anymore. It was hard to breathe as I stood up and left the room. I didn't mean to be rude, but I really needed air to breathe. And as the realization of having to explain myself came crashing down on me, it made it almost impossible to breathe.
I don't remember much, but I do remember the tears. It had been Friday, most of the time, when I would come home and the events of the week made my walls crumble down and I would break out in tears. I just hoped that the nightmare had ended when she left elementary school.
I found myself opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. The thing was just that I wasn't feeling the cold water running down my throat as I took a sip. It felt like someone else was controlling my body, getting to move, to keep going.
Somewhere in the back of my head I could hear the conversations I've been having with Thalia. They were replaying themselves over and over in my mind. They wouldn't stop. Not when I washed my face with cold water, not when I downed the whole bottle of freezing cold water, not when I sat down on the tilt floor in the kitchen, my back resting against the refrigerator door, not when I pressed my hands over my ears, willing them to stop.
But the snide remarks only quieted down when Logan appeared in my sight of vision. "Hey," he greeted me, softly. I could tell that he was suppressing the urge to ask me if I was okay. I managed a small smile when the memories of Thalia, slowly but surely, went away. "Good," I answered.
He knitted his eyebrows together in confusion. "Good?"
"I'm good, don't worry," I smiled at him reassuringly. He nodded absentmindedly. "I just don't really want to talk about it, is all." He nodded again, a smile spreading across his face. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. "What?" I asked carefully.
"You need a piggyback ride, then?" I laughed. When I used to be whiny in middle school, Logan would give me a piggyback ride to make me feel better. "Piggyback rides are only appropriate when I'm being whiny and or sick and tired," I repeated the pledge we agreed to in middle school.
He shrugged. "I guess I can make an exception for my best friend." I grinned and watched as he got up from crouching in front of me. He helped me to my feet as well after kindly throwing my water bottle in the trash.
"You sure you want to do this? I mean we haven't done this in quite a while now. And well we aren't twelve any more. I grew taller, you know, even if that's not so easy to believe. And heavier by the way. So-" He cut me off by grabbing my shoulders and giving me a stern look. I sighed, signalling my substantial. He turned and bent forward and in the next moment I was on his back. He lifted me up as if I was a bag of potatoes.
"And I gained muscles." I rolled my eyes as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"Cocky much?" I murmured. He laughed. I think the others rubbed off on him.
"You ready to see them?" I sighed, but stayed silent. "Okay then," Logan mumbled. That was all he did, before pumping his fist and running to the living room with a battle cry. "For Graham!" he yelled, making me laugh.
The conversing stopped when we entered and they all looked up at us. I was still laughing as Logan lazily walked over to a couch. To the couch where Drake was currently lying on, hands behind his head, eyes closed. Well, damn, what was he up to? I tightened my hold on him. "Logan, what-" was all I got out before I collided with a shriek with Drake's body.
We both groaned. "Damn it, Liz!" Drake said, annoyed.
"I'm sorry, but it was Logan's fault. Are you okay?" I was about to get up when Liam literally jumped on top of me, facing downwards, facing me. Well, not exactly me, since he was using my boobs as a pillow. I wanted to push him away just as I felt even more pressure and came to the conclusion that Jeremy was lying on top of all of us.
"Are you kidding me?" Drake spoke against my neck.
"Okay, guys, guys, guys!" I got out, breathless. It wasn't all day that two of your best friends were lying on top of you. Two tall, muscular friends. I didn't even want to know how Drake felt. "Could you please get up?!" With every breath I took I felt my chest tightening and I was pretty sure that Liam's head on my boobs didn't help one bit.
"Come on, Liz. Don't be such a party pooper!" Jeremy said from above.
"Easy for you to say," Drake mumbled against my skin, making me shiver.
"Shut up, Jerry Berry." The guys snickered.
"Liz!" Jere shrieked. Okay, so I may or may not have promised him to never call him that in front of the guys, but I couldn't fucking breathe. "Liam, get off me."
"I think it's really comfortable here," he said against my shirt, his voice muffled. Every time he was opening his mouth it felt like he was kissing my shirt! This had to end! Now!
"You do realize that you're practically snuggling with my boobs!" Everything fell silent and I felt Jere get up, feeling a part of the pressure subsiding. Liam moved his head so that his cheek was pressed against my breast.
"They're fluffy," he reasoned. Oh my God.
"Did you just call my boobs fluffy?"
"Yep."
"Dude." Liam was pulled away from me. And I was finally able to get enough air in my lungs. I quickly got up, giving Drake space. "What is it with you horny bastards today? Go get a girlfriend," Tony lectured, slapping Liam upside the head, "but leave poor Liz alone."
Liam scratched the back of his head, blushing shamefully. I laughed. "It's alright," I reassured them with a smile. Although this was the third sexually encounter I had with my friends today. "Oh and talking about girlfriends, how's Holly?" I bit my lip as he broke out in a smile.
"We have to work together for an assignment in literature." I smiled when I saw his face light up while he spoke. And that was the reason why I loved to help. Happiness instantly filled my chest. "God, I think I actually started to like Mr. Sullivan, because he paired us up." I felt Ryan's stare as I picked my bottle of water up and took a sip. I prayed that he wouldn't give me away. But seeing as he wasn't really talking tonight, I didn't think he would.
Ryan knew that he was only here, because I convinced Jeremy to let him. That's why he decided to keep his mouth shut as best as he could. I actually felt bad for Ryan. I mean he lost Jere, because Jeremy was blinded by Kim. Because he trusted her over Ryan. That really had to hurt. One day you're best friends and the next.... Your best friend hates you because of something you haven't done. It had to feel like a punch to the gut when he realized that Jeremy, his best friend, whom he grew up with, didn't trust him.
I took the seat next to Ryan on the loveseat, flashing him a small smile, as Liam continued talking, and swooning, about Holly. "Liz, who's your partner?" Logan asked. I pointed my thumb at Ryan.
Jeremy snorted. "What did you do, pay Mr. Sullivan?" he provoked.
"Jere," I warned. His eyes shifted to meet mine and softened, but became blank when Ryan put an arm over the back of the couch. "Something like that," he smirked.
What was he doing?! Trying to make Jere angry?! That's not how you befriend someone! I stared at Ryan, eyes narrowed. I'm starting to regret my decision. Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for Ryan at all. I mean he seemed to handle it just fine. If you could call being a cocky idiot fine. Ryan looked down at me just as I saw Hayley enter the room out of my peripheral vision. I heard her gasp as I continued to stare into Ryan's green orbs. He still held that-
"Lizzy Dizzy!" My eyes shot to Hayley. I smiled at her. "Can I have a cookie?" She asked, hazel eyes wide. That got their attention. "Cookies!" They said in unison.
I laughed. "Okay, I'll go get 'em." I walked to the kitchen, little Hayley in tow. I handed Hayley a cookie, smiling at her, before starting to put them on a plate. My mind drifted to the night at the bowing alley or, to be more specific, the night Thalia assaulted me for the first time.
I was grateful that my friends let the topic go. They knew that I would talk about it when I felt like it. They also knew that they couldn't possibly get something out of me by asking me 101 questions. I would build up my walls when I was in the spotlight. One by one. Brick by brick. Until I was a solid wall away from the situation. Until I was detached from any emotions. Retreading myself further and further into my show of make-believe.
"Lizzy Dizzy!" I jerked out of my thoughts.
"Sorry, what?"
She had her arms outstretched towards me. "I want a piggyback ride." She yawned.
I sighed with a smile. "Sorry, Hayles, but I don't think that I'm the best person for that job." Hell, no! There were six muscular and very fit guys, sitting in the living room. "You know what? Go and ask Ryan if he could do it in exchange for five cookies." And off she went.
I remembered Ryan and mines conversation about cookies as if it happened yesterday. But honestly how can you not just love peanut butter?! I didn't get the guy. Chocolate chip were his favorite, so I was positive that he would agree.
My assumption was confirmed when Ryan came into the kitchen, carrying Hayles on his back. "Where are my cookies?" he asked, walking towards me. "Here." I handed him a plate, five cookies on it. He excepted it, after moving Hayley to his chest, holding her with one hand. "What do you think?" I asked after he took a bite.
I bit my lip to keep from grinning when he broke into a smile. "God, did this fly out of heaven?" I actually allowed myself to smile at that, looking down to hide it. "I can't get enough of them," he took the second cookie. "They are so delicious. You two did a great job."
I blushed at the compliment, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, muttering a 'thanks'. I looked up again when I sensed him staring at me. I managed a small smile. "God, I think I'm addicted," he said quietly, staring right into my eyes. I laughed lightly and watched as a smile made it's way slowly onto his lips. When my laughter subsided he was still watching me intently. But was it just me or was he standing closer? "No, I'm 100 per cent sure I've found my addiction now."
He was staring that intensely in my eyes that I somehow didn't think that he was talking about the cookies anymore. Maybe never did. I gulped, captivated by the intensity of his green eyes. Suddenly the image of a gorgeous blonde flashed through my mind.
Jessica.
She was the perfect match for someone like Ryan. Or someone popular in general. Images of other girls were projected into my sight of vision. Natalie, Thalia, Courtney. Jo. They all had one thing in common. And I'm not talking about beauty, popularity or cheer leading. No, I was talking about something way more important.
Respect.
Every person respected them for some reason. And then there was me. The attention slut of the school.
I shook my head and grabbed the plate I prepared before, off the counter. I was walking passed him when he grabbed my arm. I raised my brows at him. "When did Thalia start to bully you?" My body tensed and I pushed out of his grip, staring ahead. "Eat your cookies, Ryan."
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"By the way, Liz, I ran into Mr. Sullivan after practice," Liam informed me, munching on a cookie. I raised my brows at him. I had no idea why this should concern me. "And?" Though I had to admit that I felt bad and also a little guilty after our discussion. I didn't know why, but Mr. Sullivan kind of had the ability to make my blood boil.
"He wanted me to tell you that he wants to see you tomorrow morning." I knitted my brows together. Panic floated my senses. What?! "Did he tell you why?" I kept my voice calm. He shook his head. I gulped. "Not really. Something about today. I guess it's about the assignment." I nodded, absentmindedly.
Anxiety was twisting my stomach as tightly as I was grasping my water bottle. Shit, something told me that I was in a lot of trouble. Scenarios were running through my mind and with each single one of them I felt my stomach twisting and twisting with worry and anxiety. I came to the conclusion that the worst that could happen was either he'd give me a F on our oncoming project or he'd kick me out of his class.
One way or another I felt regretful and anxious. I shouldn't have raised my voice. Hell, I should have stayed silent all together! Ugh, I had the urge to slap myself-
My train of thoughts was interrupted by the doorbell. Jeremy jumped up and went out the room to answer the door. I wondered if it was Mrs. Evans. He came back a moment later, a man in tow. A quite familiar looking man. He was around Jere's height, had black wavy hair and blue eyes. It didn't take me long to realize that it was Bradley Evans, Jere's father. He was wearing a dark grey suit and a blue tie. He looked extremely exhausted, as he put his briefcase down, but smiled anyways.
"Hello, boys," he greeted, eyes scanning the living room. His eyes halted when they landed on me. "And girl." I've never met Jere's dad before, I only knew what he looked like, because of the pictures hanging in the hallway of their house. I made my way over to him and extended my hand. "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Evans," I said with a smile as we shook hands.
"A girl with manners," he said to Jeremy, eyebrows raised. "Dad this is Liz. Liz this is my dad," Jere introduced us. Realization dawned on his features. "Ah, so you are the renowned Liz." I continued to smile at him while nodding. "I'm Bradley Evans, but you can call me Brad."
"Elizabeth Graham, but everyone just calls me Liz."
He nodded. "Well, Liz, I've heard plenty of stuff about you and your babysitting skills. I'm very thankful that you took care of my little princess."
I was still screaming as one of them placed one hand over my mouth. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way, princess. Now tell me, which would you prefer?" he whispered in my ear, his hot breath skimming my exposed skin.
I shook my head, trying to shoo the image out of my mind. That nightmare somehow still seemed to creep it's way inside my head at the most inconvenient moments possible. "Anyways where is my little girl?" Bradley asked, scanning the room.
Ryan walked towards him, Hayley on his back. A surprised expression spread over Mr. Evans face. I wondered how long they hadn't seen each other, as Ryan handed Hayley to her dad. "Ryan! It's good to see you, son," he clapped him on his back, grinning.
"You too, Brad," Ryan smiled softly. My heart nearly stopped when I saw the happy glimmer in his eyes. Suddenly an image of a starlit sky flashed through my mind. I saw stars as a sign of hope and right now I didn't need to look at the sky to see them. Ryan's eyes. The sparkle of hope was enough for me to believe that Ryan was different from what he let people think. He let me already see a few glimpses of that person. The real person within him.
The question was just why was I the person he let inside?
"Well, I hope I'll see you soon. Now, please excuse me, I should get this princess into bed," he gestured to a half asleep Hayley in his arms. "Bye Brad!" the guys yelled their goodbyes in unison. "Bye boys."
"It was nice to meet you," I informed him with a smile.
"You too, Liz," he smiled back.
After he was gone I sat back down next to Tony. From the looks of it Ryan wanted to do the same, but Jack stopped him. "Ryan, Ryan, it's my turn. I want a piggyback ride!" Jack said in a childish voice, jumping on Ryan's back. I cracked up as Jack, the tallest and probably most muscular guy of our group, tried to steady himself while Ryan, also muscular, but not comparable to my friend, tried not to fall over.
Unsuccessful.
I had to laugh so hard, tears welled up in my eyes, as I watched them crash to the floor. They both groaned with pain. "God, how much do you weight?"
"I dunno. How much does a cow weight?"
"I don't know around 1 000 pounds or something?" Ryan guessed, lying on his back.
"Oh, well then... muh," Jack answered.
That made me laugh even harder.
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Mrs. Evans was acting weird tonight. She was nicer, I think, and careful around me. Which led me to two conclusions.
1. something life changing happened to her and she decided to be friendlier to people or 2. she pitied me.
But why would she pity me? Surely not because I fainted, she was a doctor duh. But what else was there to feel empathetic for. I wasn't that close to her, so I didn't tell her about the attack. So there was know way she could have known-
...
Unless...
No. No, Logan wouldn't do that.
But when I asked her how her day had been she told me that it was stressful as usual. Which meant that conclusion two was correct. When they guys left the kitchen and went to the living room, I stayed behind. She was drying her hands on a kitchen rug as I mastered up the courage to ask her. "He told you, didn't he?"
It was answer enough when her face went from happy to sympathetic and guilty. I scoffed quietly. "Don't be mad at him. He just-" I cut her off. "Excuse me," I said and without waiting for her reply, stalked into the living room.
I couldn't believe it. He told her and didn't even think about telling me afterwards. I grabbed Logan's arm firmly, cutting him off of whatever he was talking to Liam about. "We need to talk," I said lowly, so only we could hear. He nodded stiffly. But he didn't look confused. It seemed like he was waiting for this to happen.
We made our way to the back porch, but not before I told Jere to turn the volume up. He looked at me in confusion. "I said: Turn the volume up," I told him sternly. So he did, hesitantly.
When I stepped outside I noticed how cold it was. However the temperature did nothing about the burning rage inside of me. "Liz, I can-"
"What the fuck is going on with you?! You told her. You told her! And you didn't even utter one word about it to me!" He hung his head in shame. I sighed, running a hand over my face.
"Liz," he started, but I intervened.
"I want details, Logan. Now."
"Okay. When you were having that nightmare, she got curious or something. She wanted to know if it was triggered by something. Liz, you have to believe me that I didn't want to tell her. But I was tired. Tired of lying and just... tired. I couldn't lie to her," he told me honestly.
I scoffed. "You were tired? Tired?! You know what Logan, I'm tired too," I threw my hands up in frustration. "But that doesn't give you the right to go around and tell people my life story! Did you not even think about how I would react?! How betrayed I would feel!?" I was shouting now, my vision blurry with unshed tears. He flinched at the word betrayed.
"You know my parents do this all the time. They go around and tell my doctors, their friends and most probably a hundred people more about what happened to me that night."
"Yet you are shouting at me because I told one person?"
My head jerked up to meet his eyes. "Yes. Yes, I do. Because I thought you know me better than this!"
"You're mad at me, but not at your parents?!" he pointed at his chest.
"Of course, I'm mad at them!! But... do you want to know exactly how I feel about them? I don't trust them anymore. Simply because I don't know what they're telling other people. And I don't want the same thing happen to us! I want to trust you! To be able to tell you everything!" He looked at me sadly, but softly. "But I don't know if I can," I said quietly, my voice barely something over a whisper.
"Come on, Liz! You can't be serious!" I flinched. He reacted like they would have. Taking it for nothing. For a joke.
I scoffed. "You think this is ridiculous, don't you?" I asked quietly, feeling utterly small.
"Yes! I do! I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this!" I felt a pang of hurt in my heart. It overcame me so suddenly, so fiercely that I couldn't breathe. I didn't look at him. I couldn't.
"It never crossed your mind that this is important to me," I stated quietly. But there was no other noise heard, so my voice rang through the cold night. I also came to the conclusion that Jeremy turned the volume down again. "Tell me this, why didn't you tell me afterwards?" I looked into the dark and shivered when the cold wind hit my skin.
I heard him sigh. "Liz, you're cold. Come on, we can have this conversation inside-"
"No!" my voice echoed through the night. "No, I want you to tell me now! Tell me, Logan! For fucks sake, I'm your best friend! Don't you think that I have a right to know?!"
My vision was blurry as I looked at him and I was pretty sure tears were streaming down my face. But I couldn't feel them. Couldn't hear the tremble in my voice when I spoke. Couldn't feel my teeth clatter nor feel the shiver running through my body caused by the cold temperature. I could only feel the pain in my heart.
"Because I knew how you would react! And I didn't want you to get mad at me."
I smiled without humor. "Logan, I'm no fool. I can tell when someone pities me." His face softened. "But you obviously thought that Mrs. Evans would treat me in the usual way. Seems like you were wrong in so many ways!" I turned my back to him.
"Liz-"
"You never planned on telling me," I stated quietly, more to myself than him. I wiped under my eyes. Surprisingly my cheeks were dry. Normally, I was very emotional when I was fighting with someone.
"If you would just listen to me! To anybody! Then-"
I squeezed my eyes shut, my throat getting tighter as I cut him off. "Leave me alone." My voice was calm despite the fact that it broke.
He groaned. "Liz, come on. Don't do this."
"Logan," I spoke carefully, an unspoken warning in my voice. "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone," I said harshly. My heart broke when I realized that I've never been so cold before, to my best friend. I was still facing away from him when I bit my lip, fighting back a sob. Despite the sadness in my heart, I felt relieved when I heard the click of the door.
And broke into a silent sob, placing my hand over my mouth to keep quiet. I didn't know how I got there, but I somehow managed to sit down on the steps leading to the garden. How did this all happen anyways? Jo and Logan were the two people I could talk to about anything and everything. And now, I lost both of them.
A shiver ran down my spine despite the hot tears running down my cheeks. Tears of rage and hurt. I choked out sob after silent sob. I didn't want anybody to hear me and come outside, so I sobbed into my hand, making little to nothing noise. "How could he?" I asked quietly into the night, my voice wobbly and filled with tears.
When my parents did these kind of things, they always reasoned that it was necessary to tell them, that they needed to know. But really it wasn't. Telling my doctors was a waste of time, because they couldn't possibly find out if my symptoms were psychosomatic. It didn't change anything.
And like telling the doctors was unnecessary so was telling Mrs. Evans. Hell, she wasn't even my doctor! So, I'm sorry, but I did not understand why he had to tell her. I mean he could have easily told her that he didn't know anything about it. But what did Logan do? He told Mrs. Evans, someone I barely knew, about the probably most personal thing in my life!
What great best friend I had!
I didn't know when the tears stopped or if they even stopped when I heard the click of the door. I quickly wiped at my cheeks in a horrible attempt to look normal, as I listened to the groaning of the wood under heavy footsteps. "You're gonna catch a cold, shorty." He sat down on my left after he draped a thick blanket over my shoulders.
I forced a smile on my face and thanked him with a forced chuckle, hoping to veil my hoarse voice. We sat in silence for I don't know how long when I began to feel tired and rested my head on his shoulder. "Jack..." He hummed. "You know that I'm not the forgiving type."
Jack sighed. "I know, shorty." He slung an arm around my shoulders. "I know."
Despite my ability of being nice I was one to hold grudges. I've never understood the concept of forgiveness. What Logan did damaged my trust. And he didn't even reassure me that it would never happen again. Jack sighed again. "Look, Liz, I don't exactly know what happened between you two, but I do know that you're probably the most important person in Logan's life. And I know that you feel the same way about him. So, you should really think about this."
I jerked my head up, staring at him. "Jack, I never said that I wanted to end our friendship! I simply just need time." I can't just tell Logan that I forgive him, that'd be a lie. And yes, I do lie all the time, but this was different. This was Logan, my best friend. A person I've known for over six years. A person I respected and loved. This lie wouldn't just be a small of-course-I'm-okay lie. No this... this was huge.
Trust is something you have to earn, you don't just get it. Your trust is slowly building during your friendship. It goes up, up, up the more you get to know a person. There will come a time it stills. And there probably will also be a time your trust will sink. And it goes down. Down. Down.
Now Logan has to earn my trust again. It's the only way in which my trust gets the chance to rebuild.
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After my conversation with Jack outside, during which I somehow was able to calm down, we went inside. I made sure to avert my eyes, feeling everyone's gaze on me. We didn't stay long after that. I waved them goodbye and Jeremy walked me and Ryan to the door. I grabbed my stuff and Jere gave me a tight hug. "Whatever it is, it's going to be okay," Jere whispered into my ear, making me clutch onto his back during our embrace. I gave him a small smile when we pulled away.
And now I was alone with Ryan in his car, my gaze fixed on the trees passing bye. "We don't have to do this, you know. I can just drive you home," he said softly. He was giving me a way out. But was it out of pity?
I shook my head. "Don't do this," I said firmly.
"Do what?"
I turned to look at him. "Treating me this way. I won't lash out on you when you behave in a normal way. I'm aware that you heard our fight, I'm not stupid. But it was about something ..." I trailed off.
"... something he said?" he glanced over at me, before looking back at the road. And suddenly, I realized who I was talking to.
I shook my head. "Forget it. You wouldn't understand."
"Well, there's only one way to find out."
"It's... nothing." Come on, don't chicken out of this now! "It's just something I... trusted him with," I gulped. "And he told someone." I squeezed my eyes shut, our fight replaying itself over and over in the back of my head.
"And that hurt you." I stayed silent and turned back to my window.
"What he told her... it was important to me." I saw him nod out of my peripheral vision as I looked at the dashboard.
"I understand." There was a moment of silence between us as I thought about my talk with Jeremy.
"And just so you know I'll keep my word. I'll spend the rest of the week with you."
"Whoa there, I don't like clingy girls," he said, a smile tucking at his lips. I was very aware of the fact that he was trying to cheer me up with his statement, but I laughed anyways. We spent the rest of the drive in a comfortable silence until the car came to a stop. "We are here." I looked up, my eyes widened. Immediately, I felt my stomach twisting uncomfortably with anxiety. "You like the surprise?" Ryan's voice was cheerful.
I, frantically, shook my head. "I changed my mind."
"What?"
I lifted my eyes to his. "Take me home."
"Why?" he narrowed his eyes at me.
My whole body was tense in panic. "Because I'm not in the mood to do this," I lied. Despite the panic I felt inside I was calm as I talked, my heart hammering against my chest.
"No," Ryan said after a moment.
"No?" My stomach ached so hard I thought I was going to be sick.
"You just told me, moments ago, not to treat you any different. So, I won't," he stood his ground. Damn it! Does everything has to backfire!?
"Please." My body was yelling at me to run away the more I thought about it. "This is different," I said, brows furrowed. I was mentally begging him to drive me some place else. My heartbeat was increasing by the second.
"How's this different?"
I groaned. "Please, stop being this stubborn. You can't win this!"
He leaned in and it felt like my heart was almost jumping out of my chest. "Oh, but I can," he whispered.
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"Ryan, I can't do this," I said, reluctantly putting the shoes on. For protocol I'm only here, because after I refused to get out of the car, Ryan carried me all the way inside.
"Oh come on, it's easy. Really," he promised, standing in front of me.
I scoffed. Easy for him to say. "Yeah, for you. For me? Not so much. I'll end up on the floor just by stepping one foot in," I said, still sitting on the bench, not daring to stand up. The ball of anxiety in my stomach didn't exactly help ease my worries.
"No you won't."
"Yes, I will. You know how clumsy I am," I stood my ground. I've never done this before, that's probably one of the reasons why I was genuinely anxious about this. I got this feeling all the time. It wasn't something I could explain. I had no idea why I was utterly terrified of things other people enjoyed to do. It didn't make any sense to me. Yes, I knew that my anxiety disorder was responsible that I felt this way.
But... still. I've never told somebody when I felt anxious in a situation, instead I just looked for an excuse, easy enough to believe. I could tell that some of my friends thought that I was boring or that I was a party pooper. But hey, better not to go at all than to go and run away. "I promise, you won't," he extended his hand to help me up.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "What makes you so sure?" I took his hand and in one swift move, I was up and pressed against his body. I looked up at his green eyes.
"I'll catch you if you fall," he whispered, a smile tucking at his lips. I felt my cheeks grew hot and looked down. "Let's go," he tucked at my hand, making me roll to the rink. Roller skating. Never tried it. Too anxious and clumsy. He entered the rink, grabbed both my hands and dragged me with him as he rolled backwards, facing me. He was an arm length away as I fell the first time.
I closed my eyes, my stomach twisting in anxiety, my heart hammering against my chest, as I waited for the impact, but it never came. Instead two strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist. I grabbed his muscular upper arms on reflex, pressed against him. We stayed in that position and rolled backwards. "See? It's not that bad, is it?" he teased, smiling down at me.
A smile that I didn't see every day. Most of the times he had that smirk plastered on his face, but every day I spent with him I could see his facade break down a bit. Day by day I saw a change. Maybe i was right after all and he was a good person under his thick layers of arrogance and cockiness. I smiled up at him and rolled my eyes. "Shut up."
He raised an eyebrow and smiled mischievously at me. I frowned. What was he up to? My question was answered a minute afterwards as he pushed us apart and I, again, almost fell to the ground if it weren't for Ryan, of course. "What was that?" he smirked. We were in the exact same position from before, pressed together.
"That's not funny," I reasoned, slightly breathless, heart thumping in my chest. I slapped his chest.
He just laughed. "Just admit that you need me." I rolled my eyes. Yeah, right. He narrowed his eyes at me.
He pushed us apart again, but this time he grabbed one of my hands and spun me around. Well, he attempted to, but I, like the clumsy person I was, slipped again, making him reach out and wrap his arm safely around me. His body heat was enough to warm me, seeing as I left my cardigan in the car. "You know what? I have an idea."
I raised my eyebrow. "Yeah? What's that?" He didn't say anything, but instead bent down and lifted me off the ground and over his shoulder. I shrieked and pounded my fists against his back. "Ryan, put me down!" I was feeling the blood rush to my head caused by hanging upside down as he rolled away.
"As you wish," he said and put me down. We were outside the rink again.
"That was your brilliant idea?" I raised a brow, as I ran a hand through my hair. I couldn't believe he just did this.
"Not quite," he informed me, studying my face. "Take your shoes off."
I frowned. "Why?"
"Just do it." I narrowed my eyes at him, but managed to get to the bench without ending up on the ground-I mentally patted my back-and obeyed. I was now in my socks. "Perfect. Come on," he said and reached out to grab my hand again. I didn't ask any questions, because I just knew that he'd answer with a smart ass reply that would have a duh at the end.
Once in the rink, Ryan rolled a few steps ahead of me, but stopped abruptly, making me crash into his chest. He slung an arm around my waist, keeping me from falling. At the same time he lifted me off the ground and placed me on his feet. I gasped and placed my hands on his hard chest. "Wha-" I started, breathless, but cut myself off as he reached for one of my hands and placed it on his left shoulder, one arm securely wrapped around me, his hand resting on my lower back.
Then he took the hand placed on his chest in his own. My small, cold hand rested in his big, warm one. Not the dancing thing again. I was starting to think that he only did this, so our bodies were pressed together.
It's 4 AM, I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
"You didn't tell Liam," he said, pushing a strand of my brown hair out of my face. "About the thing with the assignment."
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,
I tilted my head to the side, biting my lower lip. "You didn't either," I reasoned, staring into his eyes. A ghost of a smile was on his face. It made my eyes wander down to his lips. Suddenly I was hyper aware of the warmth radiating off him, the intensity of his stare, how close I was pressed against him, of his breath fanning my hair, my nose, my lips, our foreheads touching, then our noses, then...
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
He pushed us apart, letting go of my back. I instantly felt cold, as he spun me around and I crushed into his chest again, my arm wrapped around his shoulders on reflex, afraid of falling. I was breathing heavy, my heart pounding against my chest as I stared into his eyes, our noses centimeter apart. "Ryan," I said quietly, my voice barely something over a whisper. His eyes went to my lips.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
He hummed. "I'm not going to have sex with you," I said, breathless.
His eyes flew up to meet mine."I wasn't thinking about that," his shoulders slumped in disappointment. "That was never my intention, you know."
I almost had to laugh at that. "No?" He shook his head. "Then why bother with this whole agreement?"
"Because I wanted to get to know you. And you weren't exactly my biggest fangirl. I knew what you thought of me."
I sighed. "Ryan..." I trailed off. I didn't know if I should believe him. Or if I could believe him.
"What do you think of me now?"
I looked up at him through my lashes, biting the inside of my cheek. "I have no idea," I answered him quietly.
He looked at me for a moment as if he would answer me, but instead he spun me around again and then I crashed into his body. "Although I said I wasn't thinking about it, spinning you around is the only thing keeping me from kissing you," he informed me quietly, staring at my lips.
I gulped, feeling my cheeks go hot. Anxiety clenching my stomach, my heart picking up speed. "Friendship is the only thing I can give you," I told him honestly, my heart beating as if I just ran a marathon.
"Of course." He smiled at me. He was holding onto my waist with one hand as he freed his hand from mine and held his pinky up. "Buddies?"he asked.
I laughed lightly and linked my pinky finger with his. "Buddies."
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Hey guys
Happy Halloween!
Soooooo, how did you like it? I almost cried as I wrote the fight scene. But the roller skating scene cheered me up again. So yay!
But hey, Ryan and Liz got a little bit closer. Really enjoyed writing that scene. So, er, yeah... tell me what you think.
Please comment/vote?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy