December 23nd, 2020
Dear Nightingale,
From the moment our paths crossed, you've surprised me, distracted me, captivated me and challenged me in a way no human being ever has. I've fallen in love with you again and again, countless times, without reservation and to this day I can't believe I get to marry you.
I always thought it would be difficult to find someone who will love me when I'm always scattered in a thousand pieces. It's like trying to complete a puzzle when you don't even have the right pieces, but then you showed me that every piece doesn't have to be in the right place to create something beautiful. That love can exist in the most imperfect, lost and broken people.
I can't promise you that dark clouds will never hover over our lives or that the future will bring us many rainbows. I can't promise you that tomorrow will be perfect or that life will be easy. I can though promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty, my respect, and my unconditional love for a lifetime.
I can promise that I'll always be there for you, to listen and to hold your hand, and I'll always do my best to make you happy, to make you feel love. I can promise that I'll see you through any crisis, dream with you, build with you, and always cheer you on. I can promise to be true to you, to uplift you, to encourage you and support you. I can promise that I'll willingly be your protector, your advisor, your counselor, your friend, your family, your everything. I can promise to frustrate you, to challenge you and maybe if you're lucky, let you win an argument.
In the unlikely event that I don't get the privilege of growing old with you, if we don't get that chance. If the universe conspires against us and oceans stand in our way. If the fates betray us and our story fades. I will settle for one minute, a few moments, a fleeting second, just to know what it was like to be loved by you. At last, I've found a love that all of the poets write about.
My lonely days are over,
The Sun
The boys are coming home today, Harry is coming home today. I've been bouncing up and down with anticipation since he texted me early this morning around 3 that they finished everything they needed to get done and were getting on a plane. I couldn't sleep last night, I've been really restless for the past 2 days. I ended up staying up late last night wrapping everyone's gifts. Yesterday when I couldn't sleep I ended up driving to the new house and decorated the house for Christmas with all the decorations I bought a couple days prior.
After I had finished wrapping gifts last night I ended up driving to the new house again, stashing all of the gifts under the tree then laid down outside on the beach, listening to the waves crash against the shore while staring up at the night sky. I would've given anything to have Harry laying there with me, stargazing with me as he played with my hair or drew circles with his fingers along my skin. Honestly just any form of physical touch from him would've been amazing, it would've made the atmosphere a thousand times better. His presence alone is what I crave the most. To hear his voice in person instead of over the phone, to have him taking over all of my senses, to have his soft pink lips against my own. God to sleep in the same bed as him again.
He's all I've been thinking about, all I can ever think about. Harry is ingrained into my brain, has been since we first met and always will be. Sitting inside the house that is ours, alone, I finally started to realize how real everything is becoming. In only the best way possible. Everything has come into fruition. All my dreams are finally a reality, no longer just figments of my imagination. Sometimes I wish I could show my younger self what our life has become, not that it's all sunshine and rainbows but the rain and clouds are finally starting to break away, allowing some sunlight to shine through. I think letting her know that we are a part of a loving family, have a place to call our home, sober for 5 months and counting, and doing better than ever. I think it would've given younger me some hope, something to look forward to.
To keep myself busy I made some coffee since that's the only food-ish item we have in the new house. I should really go grocery shopping today for stuff to make dinner tomorrow. As I drink my coffee I start hanging up some paintings in the living room while hooking my phone up to a bluetooth speaker that's been here since we started working on the house, playing some classics. A Sunday Kind Of Love by Etta James is the first song to come on. I hum along to the song as I hang up one of the paintings I bought a while back. It's been stored in the garage of the old house because I didn't really know where to hang it up but it's perfect for the living room. It's an abstract painting with a mix of green and blue. I've debated asking Martha for Birdie's paintings since I can guarantee they are all still in the attic, hidden away just like she used to do with me. I doubt she'd be heartbroken parting with them but it's also Martha and she loves to make everything seem like a personal attack towards her.
As At last by Etta James plays I start dancing my way back towards the kitchen, rinsing out my used coffee mug before putting it away. As I close the cabinet a pair of hands quickly cover my eyes. Panic quickly fills my body but dissipates just as quickly as it arrived when the sound of my favorite voice whispers into my left ear. "Guess who."
I chuckle a bit pretending to think of who it could be, "hmm I don't know. There's so many people you could be."
"I'm gone for a week and you've already started to forget about me. What am I to do with you?" Harry covers my eyes, placing his hands on my hips before spinning me around to face him and pressing my lower back against the counter that was just front of me. I don't hesitate to stand up onto my toes, wrapping my hands behind his neck and crashing my lips against his.
Harry lets out a hum of satisfaction, digging his fingertips into my hips like he's holding on for dear life. I take a deep breath, the oxygen filling my lungs is making me feel like I haven't actually been breathing since he left. My whole existence revolves around him, like the moon revolves around the earth. We continue to just take every bit of each other in, kissing in the kitchen as music plays from the living room, not a care in the world about anything besides each other.
Harry is the one to break our kiss, moving one of his hands from my waist to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Hi beautiful."
"Hi H. How was your flight?" I sheepishly say as I stare at the wide smile painted across his lips.
"Long. I could use a nap to be frank with you."
"Well there's a bed upstairs now, courtesy of Elton."
"I fired him by the way." Harry says matter-of-factly with a roll of his eyes.
"Really?"
"Of course, why would I keep him around after what he did to you and Callie?"
"Good point." I shrug and grab Harry's hand to guide him into the living room with me. I turn down the music so it's softly playing now before we sit down on the couch. "Everything here is pretty much done, I've just been decorating for tomorrow."
"I see that. I love it, you did a really good job Carolina." Harry takes in his surroundings a bit before turning his attention back to me, "though I was surprised when Gemma told you were here. I figured you would be waiting with them."
"That was the plan originally but there was just so much that had to be done here and I just wanted everything to be perfect. I've never hosted Christmas before so I'm a little stressed out." I explain, deciding to leave out that I haven't slept in 24 hours.
"It took 2 days to decorate the tree and hang up mistletoe?" Harry raises a brow at me which has me pretending to be confused. "Gemma didn't forget to leave out that you've been here for the past 2 nights. Leaving after midnight and not coming back until the afternoon the next day. Is that just because of stress or because of something else?"
"No it didn't take 2 days but I was just hanging out here. Like I said, I'm stressed out."
"If you waited I could've helped you, or you could've asked Gemma and Callie to help. I just don't want you to feel like this all has to be on your plate. I mean this in the nicest way possible Parker but, you look exhausted." Harry grabs my hands, caressing the back of them with his thumbs, a feeling I've been longing for this past week.
"It's hard to sleep when my brain is saying go go go, ya know? I've been taking naps on the beach or at the old house when I'm there. I got some writing done for my book so that's been keeping me awake late at night while you've been gone. Plus I didn't want to sleep here until you got back, felt like something we should do together."
It truly felt wrong to sleep in a place meant for Harry and I without him. As much sleeping in that king sized bed upstairs sounded like a dream I just couldn't take away from an experience we could share together. A new memory to create with each other. Without him it wouldn't feel the same, it wouldn't feel like it belonged to us.
"I understand you want everything to be perfect but that shouldn't come at the expense of your wellbeing, you need to take care of yourself first. You should always come first. Why don't we go upstairs and take a nap then, we can finish whatever needs to be done for tomorrow." Harry bids me a gentle smile while looking at me with sympathetic eyes, pleading for me to take his offer.
"I just don't think I'll be able to fall asleep, Harry." I sigh out, leaning forward so my forehead is resting in his lap.
"Just come upstairs and lay down with me. You don't have to take a nap if you truly can't fall asleep but just take a couple minutes to relax. Can you do that for me?"
I release a muffled groan before giving in, "fine."
"That's my girl." Harry slides off the couch before leaning down and picking me up. A noise of surprise falls from my lips as he carries me bridal style through the living room towards the stairs.
"You know my legs work right?" I jokingly ask, looking up at him through my eyelashes.
Harry chuckles a bit as he makes his way up the stairs, his chest bouncing up and down as he does, "I'm aware but what's the fun in that?"
I roll my eyes and use my hand to open our bedroom door for him and I. Harry nudges the door open further with his foot, pushing it closed with the same foot once we've stepped inside. He gently sets me down on the bed, lacing his fingers into the sides of my leggings before slowly pulling them down my legs. The feeling of his fingertips brushing against my bare skin has goosebumps rising in their wake, sending shivers up my spine.
Harry drops my leggings down onto the floor before undoing his belt and stepping out of the jeans he was wearing, leaving himself in a plain white t-shirt and underwear, myself in one of Birdie's sweaters. I crawl up to the top of the bed, pulling back the covers enough for both Harry and I as he walks around the other side of the bed, sliding his body tightly next to mine. "So tell me, this book you're writing, will I ever get to read it?" He asks as he pulls my body closer to him, my head resting on his chest as he slowly plays with my hair.
"You will. Sooner than you think. I've almost finished it."
"What is it about? I've been dying to know."
"You sound just like Callie. She will not stop pestering me about it, waiting for the moment I crack and tell her just to get her to shut up about it but she knows that will never happen." I shake my head a bit, thinking about how every time I was writing at the house Callie would try and sneak up behind me to peek over my shoulder and read. I would swat her away and scold her for invading my writing space which she would just huff and pout. "Plus you haven't read any of my other books, what piques your interest about this one?"
"What makes you think I haven't read your other books?" Harry fires back making my eyes roll.
"Well maybe the fact that I don't think I've ever seen you with a book in your hands. Plus you don't strike me as the type to read young adult fiction."
Harry laughs a bit, shoving my shoulder with his right hand making me laugh too. "I'm offended! I have read books... when I was like 13 but that's not the point."
I sat up a bit, pointing a finger directly in front of his face, "I knew it! That's exactly my point, you don't read so my book should be the last thing you are curious about."
"Just because I don't read doesn't mean I can't be curious about your work. Plus if it's something you created of course I'm going to want to read it. I want to support you and your work." I settled back into his side shaking my head.
"What do you want to know about it? I won't tell you what it's about yet, you have to wait until it's fully finished but I'll let you be the first person to read it." I try to compromise with him, which he gladly accepts.
"Okay deal. When will it be released?"
"I'm not sure yet. Once I get some final approvals then it will be out so that should be a couple months from now. A rough estimate would be either March or April." That truly is a rough estimate, given everything goes smoothly. As long as Harry gives me his approval then I'll publish it right away but until then I have no idea. "It's not even finished yet so I'll have a better time frame once it is finished."
"You don't have a deadline or whatever?"
"No. Howard stopped giving me deadlines after I chewed his ass out. I told him art cannot be rushed and if he wanted my best work then he would get it whenever it was ready. I mean I need to send him at least 50 pages sometime this week just to make sure he's interested in it."
"You haven't talked to him since all of the Alan stuff have you?"
"No, why would I?" I have no reason to talk to Howard unless it has something to do with my writing. He may be my dad but in my eyes he's just my boss, nothing more and nothing less.
"I'm gonna tell you something. It honestly slipped my mind until you brought him up so I don't want you to think I've been keeping this from you okay?" I nod my head, trying not to overthink about what it could possibly be about. "Howard has stage 2 colon cancer. I'm not telling you this so you pity him or anything but more so just in case you ever wanted to talk to him about things. I can tell you in my years of working with him, you have been the one thing he would always talk about. It's how I knew about you in the first place. Though he never said your name, he was proud of you. He kept tabs on you to make sure you were okay and you working for him helped with that. I just think maybe it would help you find some closure."
He's dying.
Should I be happy or sad with that information? Should I have any feelings about it at all? Howard is my boss, always acted like my boss, treated me like an employee and never gave me special treatment. Maybe a little on the deadline shit but he was just as hard on me, if not harder, as all the other authors. He is always my dad, someone who I always wanted to know about, curious about. He was someone I wish I had around when I was a child. He was there acting like I was nothing more than an employee yet kept tabs on me, even found me to give me a job as a writer just to hide who he truly was.
I just don't know how I should handle a situation like this. It's not like he's someone I care about, I have no personal connection to him whatsoever but that was also his doing. He's the one that left me, he's the reason Martha hated me so much.
"Parker, please say something. I swear I wasn't keeping it from you. I found out when I went to him to find out more about Alan, made him a deal and Liam looked up information on Howard to have a way to blackmail him. Then everything with you being 'dead' and then you going to rehab it honestly slipped my mind-" Harry rambles on and I can feel the anxiety radiating off of him but I cut him off.
"I believe you. I know you didn't try to hide this from me, I believe you." I quietly say, still trying to process everything.
"You do?" He asks for reassurance.
"I do."
"Okay. Well like I said before I don't know if you want to talk to him about everything but if you decide you do, it should be sooner rather than later. I would hate for you to lose and opportunity to have some closure because nature took its toll."
There's a long moment of silence, nothing but our breathing as I try to come to terms with everything. When I've somewhat wrapped my head around it I ask a question I never thought I would ask, "what would he say?"
"Hmm?"
"When he would talk about me, what would he say?"
Harry sighs before looking down at my face, analyzing my features to gauge how I'm feeling before speaking. "Uh well, he talked about how you moved to LA and how he was planning on arranging a time to meet you but he was nervous. He talked about how beautiful you were, how much you looked like him and your mother. He talked about how successful you were becoming at such a young age and how you take after him in that aspect, how proud of you he was for working so hard. He talked about you like you were one of his greatest accomplishments."
This makes me scoff. The audacity Howard has.
"What?" Harry asks softly.
"I just find that funny. How he claimed to know anything about me when he was never around. He's proud of me because he never saw my darkest moments, the moments where I was at my lowest. He never tried to reach out minus when he found me working in the diner and offered to be my publisher. He'll never know about all the things Martha did to me and how he's part of the reason I had to go through that. He had no part in my upbringing. I'm not his accomplishment, I'm a fucking person. He only came around because he was worried about his business, not because people were trying to kill me. Anything he did know about me was because he was too much of a coward to find out things about me himself, had to send other people to do it. What could he possibly have to say to me that he couldn't have said when I was 18 or couldn't have written in a letter or in a voicemail?"
"You'll only know if you talk to him. You don't have to do anything now but maybe when you give him the 50 pages, think about asking some questions." Harry says with a yawn. "It's not stress about it now, but you deserved to know."
I nod with understanding, deciding that my main focus for now will be Christmas, after that I can worry about anything else. I turn my head up slightly, peppering kisses onto Harry's neck before closing my eyes and letting the feeling of being close to him again take over my senses. I listen to his breathing slowing down as sleepiness consumes him. I feel his chest rise and fall with every inhale and exhale, his warmth radiating off of his body warming my own, his hand now mindlessly drawing messy circles along my shoulder blades. Everything suddenly becomes a little less heavy.
While there is still chaos in our world, more so in mine, it's these small moments with Harry that I will never take for granted ever again. In these small moments my mind is not running in circles, my chest doesn't feel tight, the overwhelming voice that screams something bad is going to happen becomes a mere whisper. Everything goes quiet. This is the feeling I have been searching for my entire existence, the feeling I chased when I was high, the feeling I longed for when I was locked in the attic, the feeling I tried to replicate in harmful relationships. Harry is that feeling, I'm safe.
In hindsight yes we are still in harm's way but when we are together, those problems just don't seem as big. They aren't as consuming, they aren't as terrifying, they are in far away lands taking their time to reach us before breaking down the gates of our safe haven. Now I would say it's all because of Harry, the reason that I feel this way and that would be true but in reality it's not just him, it's me too.
I've finally grown, blossomed into a person who can take a step back and just experience things in the moment. That doesn't mean I don't still worry or that I'm completely carefree but, I'm branching out from the person I used to be. The person who let everything control them and never just took time to smell the roses. I'm planting my roots, creating stability. I'm continuously evolving into a person who is nothing but truly, fully, completely, themselves.
Eventually everything will come to and end, but until then I will rise and set with each day and night. I will listen to the early morning birds and the late night crickets. I will watch the tides roll in and out. I will watch the moon go through all of its phases each night. I will listen to the laughter erupt from those around me. I will dance in the kitchen like it's a dance floor, sing in the car like it's a stage. I will live for now until my clock has run out, with Harry right beside me each step of the way because at last, I never have to be alone again.
-AUTHORS NOTE-
Hey besties hope you all are doing well. Next chapter will be Christmas Eve and I'm very excited for it. Enjoy the peace and love for a bit cause things are gonna kick back into gear soon!
Don't forget to vote!
KISSES!!!