"I'm sorry," I whisper to the bowl, knowing it's irrational to say it to the bowl when I really meant to say it to my parents.
I slowly move my hand to the Dauntless coals and let the blood slide out of my fist. The room goes quiet and all I can hear is the sizzling of my blood on the hot coals. I slowly turn and walk to sit with the Dauntless initiates. There are only two others and both are Dauntless born. I'm the first person to transfer from Abnegation to Dauntless since I went through the Choosing Ceremony the first time.
I sit through the rest of the ceremony in silence. Eighteen others transfer from their faction. Nineteen out of over a hundred. Out of those eighteen only four of them chose Dauntless, making me one of five transfer initiates. I feel like I'm going to vomit but at that very instant all the initiates stand up and start running. I'm familiar with this. It felt like freedom the first time, but now it feels like a death sentence. I'm not sure I'm ready to face Tobias yet. I'm not sure he's ready to see me.
When I look up again I realize I'm ahead of most of the Dauntless born initiates. I slow down so I blend in more.
"God, you're fast!" says an Amity transfer behind me. I nod at her while I continue to run. "I wish I was that fast, it would make my switch here a lot easier. As it is I'm already regretting it and we're not even there yet!" she continues. "I heard Dauntless initiation is the hardest and that three years ago an Abnegation girl couldn't handle being Dauntless anymore and just dropped dead!"
Of course she's talking about me, probably trying to psyche me out considering I'm the only Abnegation transfer to Dauntless since the last time I had to chose my faction.
"I'm scared, like I really don't want to drop dead!"
"Then quit," I tell her bluntly as I start to climb up to the train tracks, leaving her gaping behind me. She probably isn't used to someone from Abnegation being so straight forward. I guess I picked that up from Christina.
When I reach the top of the support beam I haul myself onto the platform by the tracks and smile at the burn in my muscles. It's been too long since I was able to do something like this. I look around to see who else made it up. So far it's me and two other Dauntless born initiates. I stretch my arms above my head and push up onto my tiptoes, stretching my back. After a few minutes I hear the train coming. When the train gets closer the Dauntless born initiates start running. I take off running too, trying to stay just far enough behind them. One by one they start to jump on the train. When I get to the car I grab the handle and pull myself in. I forgot what a rush it was to jump on a moving train. The only thing better is jumping off.
"You, Abnegation, I think you chose the wrong car," a guy in the back says.
"I'm not so sure," I tell him as I turn around. I grab the handle on the inside and stick my head out of the car, watching the ground fly past.
"Yeah, well if you hadn't noticed, this is the Dauntless born car. Why don't you just go back to your little Stiff friends?" the same guy responds.
"Leave her alone, Zach," I hear another voice say. "If she was able to get in this car she obviously knows something."
I turn around to face the new speaker. "And who are you?" I ask him.
"I'm Malachi," he says. "These are my friends Zach, Grant, Austin, and Tamra, and that's my sister, Risa. Nice to meet you." He sticks out his hand for a handshake. I stare at it for a brief moment before taking it in my own. Handshakes are still awkward for me, but at least I'm not so stiff this time.
"Who are the others?" I ask him.
"That's Dylan in the back corner. The really tall one is Mark, and the really muscular one is Pierce. The girl with the bright pink hair is Austin, and the girl with the shaved head that's covered with a tattoo is Tamra. Who are you?"
"My name's B, short for Becca which is short for Rebecca."
"Okay B, now I guess it's time I ask you why you switched from Abnegation and how you got on the train so easily."
"Well, I've always been bored trying to be perfect and selfless in Abnegation. I've also always been very athletic, but I wasn't allowed to enjoy that in Abnegation." It's an easy lie. I've been working on it since I got back. "Also, may I use your hat, Malachi?" I forgot about my hair. Tobias might recognize it and I'm not ready for that yet.
To any other faction this would be the strangest request in the world, but here it's almost normal. He laughs and takes it off. "Keep it," he says as he hands it to me. I smile as I position it on my head.
"Thanks," I reply with a small smile. I turn back around to face the door right as we round a corner. I throw my hands in the air and stand on the edge of the car. I feel like I'm flying.
Right around the corner lies the roof where we have to jump. "What are you doing?" I ask as one of them starts to jump.
"Jumping," Risa tells me before she jumps.
After getting a running start, I jump as well.