september 2021
my nails are bit past my fingers, gnawing on skin, pinpricks of blood flowing. my eyes meet the school counselors as i beg my eyes not to cry, yet i betray myself again, sobbing before i could even say a word. "i need to change my class". i know i can't get better sitting 30cm away from him. just close enough for him to reach for me. i know i can't get better, i can't stand to see him or hear of him, see someone like him, or be touched my another boy. it takes me back to my puddled self and i can't live in that moment any longer. "we can't do that". sobbing hard, hyperventilating. i. cant. breathe. air. air. hands. choking. puddled on the floor knowing no one will help me. i haven't told any adults what he did to me, im too scared he'll find out and try to kill me. i find myself in that moment too often, wishing i had fought back, told someone, asked for help. but i was utterly terrified for my life—i still am.
october 2021
the anniversary has passed. i've told my mom. i don't feel any better. suicidal thoughts circulate through my brain pushing me deeper. i want to report. sitting across from the counselor, signed papers in hand, my classes changed, hope in my heart. "the dean of discipline feels that it will be better for your mental health for us to not talk to him". tears welling once again. betraying my attempts at a clam, diplomatic, demeanor. it will never make sense to me how an adult can make decisions about my mental health for me.
november 2021
his girlfriend has threatened me into silence. he knows where i live now, i'm not safe when i sleep. i've taken out my frustrations on my thighs. the pink jagged lines are added decoration, the blood silences my thoughts—that's the real reward. day drinking, cutting, suicide attempts, failing my classes, uncontrollable crying. air. i need air. he is choking me. he is choking me again. seeing myself puddled on the floor has is a disgusting branch of nostalgia.
february 2022
pills. high on pills all the time. the nightmares, hallucinations, urges; subdued, but not gone.
will they ever be gone?