Here I am.
In front of the door
Trying to raise my finger.
Quite a hard struggle.
Why was it hard? It should've been easy yet why? Why does my hand feel heavy?
In swift motion, I unconsciously moved, my hands moved, my fingers moved, a simple motion.
A button was pressed.
I did it, I rang.
Now what?
My mind instantly went into warfare.
(What should I do next? What should I say? Should I say "I'm back"? No, that's too cliché)
An extra pile of questions arrived.
(What if no one's at home? What if no one answers? Do I stay at a hotel? Should I try something else? Should I run out of here?)
My panicking made a halt when I heard a shout.
"Coming!"
Footsteps.
I hear footsteps, someone's at home.
No, more importantly, that voice.
I remember that voice, as clear as day.
Too late now, just steel yourself.
The door opens.
Someone calls.
"Yes, what is it?"
It was her.
My beloved little sister.
"Komachi"
In that instant.
Never have I ever seen my little sister make such a shocked face before.
And as the shocked silence continued, the sound of something dropping came, and as I look below, I see, she dropped her phone, probably with someone on the phone.
More silence came.
Until...
"Onii-channnnnnn!!!!!!!!"
She opens her arms in an embrace.
This time, she came with the biggest hug she'd have ever given me.
Opening her mouth.
"UWAAAH!!! ONII-CHAN!! WHERE WERE YOU!?! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!"
She was literally crying, what a cry-baby.
She was weeping buckets.
"Ok ok, calm down, I'm not dead"
"Is that really you Onii-chan?"
"Yeah, it's me, I'm not a clone nor am I a doppelgänger, I'm your real Onii-chan"
"Really? Tell me something only the real Onii-chan knows"
You asked for it.
"When you were young, you were really scared of lightning, that's why you always clung to me whenever you were scared, and as your strong Onii-chan, I would always tell you "It's going to be okay, Onii-chan's here" oh, that got me lots of Hachiman points"
"Okay! that's enough! That's too embarrassing! Okay! You're right! You are Onii-chan!"
"Of course I am"
"It's also creepy that you remember that, but since I am your cute and merciful little sister, I'll let you off the hook, oooohh, that got me lots of Komachi points!!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever"
Both of us grinning at each other.
Until
Thud!
Something dropped, again.
At the direction.
A purse? A bag?
Probably.
The question is...
Whose bag was it?
My eyes then changed their target.
And from there.
I saw someone.
A middle aged woman, almost mirroring Komachi in almost every aspect.
My mother.
Another family member that I haven't seen for 12 years
She was showing a face different from Komachi's:
One of shock and disbelief.
It was at that time though, that she slowly walked toward us.
Step
Step
Step
It was dead silence, until I myself decided to speak.
"Hi...uh...Mom"
She looked at me, and then...
"Hachiman?"
"Uh...yeah it's me"
Before I noticed, just like Komachi, she hugged me tight.
"I was so worried, where were you all this time?"
She spoke quietly yet it was shaking.
"Welcome back"
She said.
I didn't want to say it again.
I didn't want to do something cliché.
But just this time, I'll do it.
"Yeah, I'm back"
She stopped her hug, and looked at me from feet to head.
"Look at how much you've grown"
Yeah, I know.
It was then, someone else opened their mouth.
"Honey, who's at the door?"
A man's voice.
Yet, vaguely, I remember that voice.
A man in his early 50's , wearing a standard salary man suit, with somewhat messy, somewhat tidy hair.
My father.
With a face full of surprise, it changed.
With small groans coming from him.
He looked at me with a serious face.
Slowly approaching me.
He kept approaching, he was not stopping.
Until the distance closed.
Looking at me again with even more groaning.
It was at this moment.
That he gave me...
A hug.
The first hug he'd ever given me.
A hug between men.
It was firm.
It was tight.
And suddenly he talked.
"Look at you, all grown up now, heck, you're even taller than me"
"Uh...yeah"
After he stops the hugging.
His mouth opens, yet again.
"It's been a while huh? Son?"
"Yeah"
"Alright! Time to interrogate Onii-chan!"
Komachi suddenly interrupts.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll talk"
Entering into my fortress once again, with a black suitcase in hand.
Scouting my former territory, I noticed some subtle changes.
Pictures of Komachi and my parents.
Komachi's graduation picture?
More pictures of Komachi?
Pictures of Komachi, without me?
(I need to know more of what happened)
We reach the living room.
More nostalgia.
As Komachi enters the kitchen, I take a seat on the old sofa, my beloved sofa.
And after, Komachi returns, with a tray of tea with her.
"Here you go, Onii-chan"
Plopping down a cup of tea in front of me, I grabbed it.
Taking a sip.
(I'm not a tea fan, but good Japanese green tea is always good, as expected of my little sister)
While Mom, Dad and Komachi took their respective seats, they were also eying me,
(From head to toe I suppose?)
"So Onii-chan, where were you actually?"
With Komachi making the first question.
(Of course you'd be the most curious)
"Well...I spent most of my time in America"
"After leaving, I went straight to the U.S. and got a job there"
It sounded convincing, and they were curious for more details.
But rather than curiosity, suspicious seemed more accurate.
Soon, glares of skepticism ran along my body, they were looking at me from head to toe, again.
To correct that, rather than looking at my body, they were looking at what I was wearing instead.
Silence for 5 seconds.
This time, Dad opened his mouth.
"So, what was your job there?"
Answering with confidence, I stated:
"Police"
Good answer, satisfactory.
"No, I think he's lying"
Komachi spoke, unraveling the lie.
"Huh?"
I still stayed composed, yet I released a sound of confusion.
"What do you mean?"
I questioned her, she retaliated.
"Well, I don't know much about cops and stuff, but I've never seen a cop with that many medals hanging on their uniforms, also, with how little a cops' salary is, I don't think you can survive for 12 years with a job like that"
(Dammit! I'm proud that my little sister is smart, but it also brought me my downfall)
"Hachiman, don't tell me..."
With my mother, showing terror in her face, she may have finally realized:
That there was another occupation that had this type of uniform.
Cussing that Plan A resulted in failure, Plan B was the only option left.
(I should've made a Plan C)
Plan A: Lie - Failed
Plan B: Come clean - Commencing
With nothing left to hide, I stated nothing but the truth.
"Fine, you win, it's as you think it is"
Tears, almost running through both Komachi and Mom, whilst my Dad said nothing, eyes closed and all.
"Hachiman, why did you decide that?"
"Yeah Onii-chan? Why?"
It's understandable; many of my colleagues had stories like this.
High risk, high reward, it was reasonable to some, but not to others, there were many benefits to this job.
But it still wasn't enough to reward consensual death.
"Don't worry you two, look at me, I'm still alive, and I still haven't lost a leg or an arm yet"
While I try to calm them down with dark humor.
Dad questioned once again.
"Was it because of us? Was it because me and your mother weren't good enough parents?"
"No, it's not because of any of you, I still can't say why I left, but I did it out of my own volition, you two weren't the best parents, but at least not the worst"
He showed a big smile.
"I see, I can accept that"
With the smile still on his face, he looked to his wife.
"What about you honey?"
"Fine, at least he doesn't hate us"
My mother, also showing content, briefed a smile.
"Son, are you still gonna continue with your job?"
My father, asking the important question.
You're staying here, right? You don't need to go out again right? You can stop now right? The important questions that all three of them shared.
It was again, inevitable that they would ask this, therefore I prepared.
"Yeah, I still have 8 years of service left"
A hint of despair and sadness sported their faces.
Now, for the comforting part.
"Don't act as if I'm eventually gonna bite the dust, my chances of dying are actually pretty low"
Confused, all three of them, eventually Komachi asked first.
"What do you mean, Onii-chan?"
I answered with reassurance.
"Well...how do I put it, it's not like the rest of my service years are all about fighting in the front lines"
They were more confused.
"I can always just stay in the back where I'm far away from the action, and spend the days with paperwork, pencil pushing, and ordering my juniors"
To hide from the battle and watch from the back - it was a cowardly move, but a smart one, I was becoming more like the old men that sit on their desks all day long, while sending young men to hell.
But, it was good that I noticed, I was slowly becoming someone that I hated, it's good that I could stop myself from changing.
Stopping my monologue, I continued relieving more of their worries.
"Besides, I have the power and position to do just that"
"And my retirement money is more than enough"
Mom and Dad looked with confusion, and Komachi being the nosy one.
"Then Onii-chan, how much do you get paid?"
With my own father joining in the discussion.
"I'm curious too, how much do you earn?"
"Well how much do you earn?"
I answered back.
For men, their pay grade was their status, the more money you get, the more respect you're given, so is the case with my father I suppose.
"¥500,000, monthly"
He said so, expressing pride and confidence in his voice.
($5,000? Above average, not bad)
Considering me and Komachi never starved, it was believable, even if I never got pocket money from him.
Time to break his pride.