"𝙸𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍, 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚗. 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚊𝚖 𝚊𝚕𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚢 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚒𝚗." — 𝘾. 𝙅𝙤𝙮𝘽𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝘾.
❀
Trees lose their leaves every winter, but they somehow find their way back to spring. Like the sun finds its way back after a storm. And when a person dies, a new baby is born. And life carries on. And...
Nothing.
Just plain nothing.
Because that didn't matter to Amber. The life goes on part. It meant nothing to her. That's why she paused her whole life. The new start she was going to have in New York. Her education. There was no moving on when she didn't know what her next step was. Her next step was hidden somewhere away from her. She was lost in a world she barely recognised.
And that very night, she was lost in New York. In the apartment she had spent the last few months. In the bathroom. Crying under the shower. Because she had taken a turn that night, a turn into that unknown world she was living. The world she was lost in.
And Mark back in Seattle was trying to reach her for the past five hours. But there was no answer back.
"Amber please answer your phone." He left the fifth voicemail as he was rushing in the hospital, too stressed about what was happening in Seattle, too paranoid about what was happening to Amber in New York.
To Amber who's tears had became one with the water. And the only thing that could be heard was the slapping sound of the heavy flow, falling down the tub, with Amber's body blocking some of it.
❀
It was only two days after Amber had announced that she was suspending her studies, until... well that was unknown. And it was only two days later that she found herself in the airport with Mark beside her, Iris in her arms and Sam in the the stroller. She was flying back to New York to get her things. Some important stuff she needed in Seattle. Because she had promised Mark that she was going to continue her studies, she just needed more time.
Amber squeezed Iris in her embrace, and gave her a kiss as she talked to her. "Okay, sweetie, I'll be back in two days, okay? I just need to get my things and then you and I are going to have so much fun."
"Promise?" Iris asked in her baby voice, the toddler getting more confident into speaking every day and she was a talkative kid.
"Promise." Amber replied to her and handed her to Mark. Mark wrapped his arms around his daughter, hugging her protectively. He knew that if he let her on the ground, she would run off to explore the unknown big building where birds flew away. Her words. "Thanks for the ride." Amber gave Mark a tight smile. The relationship between them had taken being a little too hard the last few days, with the same fight over and over again. But Mark was still there for her, supporting her in her decisions, even if he thought that they were wrong. She had to make her mistakes.
"Amber."
"I am not talking about this Mark." She stopped him, knowing what he was going to say. "I made a choice. I am going to stick to it. I need to stick to it. Even if mom would be disappointed in me." Mark opened his mouth to reply, but she didn't let him. She didn't let him say that Natalie would never be disappointed in her. He didn't get to tell her, that there were moments when Natalie had made the wrong choice. So Amber reached for her baby brother instead. "Let me give you a kiss. I love you little brother."
"Me?" Iris exclaimed, not wanting to share her sister's love with anyone.
"You?" Amber chuckled and pinched Iri's cheek softly. "Of course I love you, you're my favourite sister." She then turned to Mark. "I'll call you when I land." She promised him.
❀
But Amber didn't call him when she landed. She went straight to that cafe across her apartment in New York. That cafe where she had met Dean. The boy she had shared too many information with.
And that boy appeared in front of her as she was about to enter the cafe and he was walking out. "Hey stranger." He chimed in with a cheerful voice. Amber gave him her face awkward smile, the one she gave when she wasn't sure how she was supposed to act around someone. And she wasn't sure how to act around Dean, when he had confessed that he would make a move if she didn't have a boyfriend. And there Amber stood, in front of him, without a boyfriend. Letting her lost self make decisions. "Haven't seen you in a while." He pointed out. "Hope you're not avoiding me after what I said at the club."
Amber laughed softly. "No, actually, I am moving back home." She confessed.
"What? Why?"
Amber hesitated as someone tried to entered the cafe by the door they were blocking as they were speaking. "You have some time?" She asked him. "I am buying coffee." And it was one of those moments Amber could find herself wanting to speak. To someone she barely knew. Needing a stranger to understand. Because he couldn't see how different she was than who she used to be. To him, she was just extra sugar girl.
"Don't you have a boyfriend?" He asked her, remembering too well what she had told him that night they had run into each other.
"No, actually, I don't." She confessed.
And she kept proving that she wasn't herself. But that was not necessarily bad.
❀
And minutes had turned into hours, hours of them talking and sharing, sharing their thoughts and feelings. It's been said that talking to someone you barely know is somehow easier. "Have you ever talked to a stranger about your life so easily?" Dean wondered, as she had just shared with him part of her story. And he had confessed that he had been living on his own since he was 17 after his parents kicked him out, for reasons he hadn't shared with her yet.
"No, actually." She admitted. "It's always a little to hard for me to express my feelings." Something she had in common with her mother.
"Why do you think is that?" Dean asked her.
"Because I always thought that if I spoke people would realise that I am not brave and confident like my mom." She shrugged as she took the cup of coffee in her hands, letting it warm her fingers.
"You always compare yourself to your mom?"
"Not in a bad way, I mean" she paused picturing her mother for a second and how she could always achieve what she wanted, how she spoke so confidently even when she was breaking inside. "You want to be like her." Amber continued. "If you knew her, you'd want to be like her."
"So talk to me about her."
"I can't." She refused. "What's with the questions?" She changed the subject. "What are you majoring in psychology or something?"
"You caught me." He let out a breathy laugh. The young boy was trying to get his life in order and psychology had helped with a lot with that, so when he got the scholarship he was trying to get, she chose psychology.
"You're using my trauma for an essay or something?" Amber laughed.
"No, I just want to get to know you." He shrugged the atmosphere getting more serious than before. And for a moment Amber didn't want to return to Seattle. But she would never stay just for a boy.
❀
"Can I confess something?" Amber spoke as they exited the cafe, which they were only leaving from because it was closing. It was already dark outside and too cold. So Amber tried to wrap her scarf around her neck as she spoke. "I hadn't had that much fun in so long."
"Yeah, me neither to be honest." Dean agreed. And as he found it impossible to say goodnight to her he suggested something that would extend their night, just for few more hours. Because all he knew was that he might never see her again. "Do you want to get something to drink?"
"I am not old enough to drink." Amber bit her lip embarrassed.
"I am, I turned 21 few days ago." He shrugged suggestively.
"So I am hanging out with older guys now." Amber realised, wondering once again what would Natalie think about that.
"Your mother would be disappointed?" He asked, remembering it being what Amber had told him when she didn't even know his name.
"Yeah." Amber laughed.
"So? I am buying."
"Okay." She agreed.
And that decision had let her into the shower, crying. Crying because she didn't know who she was anymore.
❀
And that's how, few hours later, Amber found herself locked in the bathroom, under the shower. She kept thinking about the decision she had made that night. The decision to drink a lot of alcohol with that strange boy. And which eventually led into sleeping with him. Something she had kept telling herself that she wasn't ready to do with Tom.
But she did it, with Dean. The boy from the cafe. The boy that had a crush on her. Her. With all her flaws and traumas. At least those she had shown him that night. And for a moment that little cloud over her head had clear. Up until she realised that she was not like her mother. She was nothing like her, because in her mind Natalie would never do what she had done.
But little did Amber know. So little. About the woman her mother was. She wasn't just her mother. She was a woman that had made bad choices over the time. But Amber was oblivious of that.
She was oblivious that she was a little too much like her mother. Both of them had made wrong decisions because they were lost and they were hurt by the people that they loved the most. And just like Natalie, — who was washing away her guilt and ache that night, few years ago, when she let Isaac back into her bed, — Amber was doing the same, but for different reasons.
Natalie was feeling disgusted with herself, she felt disappointed, because Isaac had touched her in ways that Mark was supposed to. He had touched her after he had broken her.
In the other hand, the young girl wasn't feeling disgusted. But only guilty because she enjoyed something for the first time, but with someone different than she thought. She felt like a hypocrite because not that long ago she had broke up with Tom for that reason.
But most of all, she was lost. And that was bound to happen to you when you are doing things you never thought you would. But maybe losing herself was actually what she needed to find it again. Find a version of it that could survive without her mother.
And her phone kept ringing, because Mark hadn't been able to reach her since she had left for her flight that morning. He was worried and he was way over his head, because he was driving little Sam to the hospital with high fever and he didn't know if Amber was okay. He was hurting because he had lost the love of his life the last time Sam was in the hospital. And the thought that he wouldn't bring him back home the next day, destroyed him. Even if it was just a thought. "Amber, I really hope that you're okay. And I don't think Natalie would ever be disappointed in you." He left her one more voicemail, avoiding to tell her what was happening until he was sure.
❀
ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴏꜰᴛᴇɴ, ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜꜱᴇ ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴋᴇᴇᴘ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ᴀʟᴇx ᴋᴀʀᴇᴠ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴇʀᴇᴋ ꜱʜᴇᴘʜᴇʀᴅ ꜰɪᴄꜱ.
ʙᴜᴛ ʏᴇᴀʜ, ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛᴡᴏ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀꜱ ʟᴇꜰᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴘᴀʀᴋꜱ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ꜰᴏʀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ.
ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴋᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴛᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ᴏᴜᴛ, ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟꜱ ɪᴛ ɪꜱ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴀʟʟ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ, ɪᴅᴋ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴀᴍʙᴇʀ ɪꜱ ᴀʟʟ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ꜱᴏ ɪ ꜰᴇʟᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴇᴀᴄʜ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴅɪꜰꜰᴇʀᴇɴᴛ ᴘᴀᴛᴛᴇʀɴ.
ɪ ᴀʟꜱᴏ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴏꜱᴇ ᴡʜᴏ ᴄᴏɴᴛɪɴᴜᴇᴅ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ, ɪᴛ ᴍᴇᴀɴꜱ ᴀ ʟᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ <3