Chapter Twenty-Three: How I faced the consequences
Newly added 2022
The taxi cab slowly pulls up outside the house. Everything is silent for a moment — I take a deep breath in. The fair paid before I open the door and step out onto the concrete. I grip the bag in my hands, trying to focus all my nervous energy on the straps.
When I open my front door, I do not know what I will face; I push my feet to walk forward and up the path. The doorknob is cold as I turn it and push the door. The air sticks in the back of my throat, and my blood rushes around my body. The thumping of my heart is all that I can hear.
The smell of bleach hits me, masking the scent of stale beer. I frown; the house is quiet and cold. I put my bag down beside the stairs; the lights upstairs are off. The smell of bleach grows stronger the closer I get to the kitchen; I notice that the blood, beer and vomit stains have been removed from the carpet—a chilling feeling pricks at my skin. David never takes care of the house like this. The kitchen is empty, and slightly wilted roses sit in a vase, cut and arranged. The realisation of missing the special dinner that he was making me hit me, and my heart sunk under the weight of the guilt.
"David?"
No reply comes; I pick my bag up from beside the stairs and make my way to the bedroom. I need to unpack and begin to make a plan on how I am going to tell David that I lost my job and how I will find a new one.
I use my shoulder to dunt the door open, and the smell of beer and vodka hits me. The light coming through the open curtains shows David sprawled over the bed, still dressed and holding a half-empty bottle of cheap vodka. Loud snores come from him as I pull the bottle from his hand and set it on the bedside table. His eyes flutter, all bloodshot and red.
His rough, cold hands push my touch from him, and I sit on the edge of the bed, watching him groan. David holds his head, sitting up and cursing the sun. Then, blinking the sleep away, his movements are lazily, and he lifts his head to stare at me.
"Hi," I whisper, and he grunts in reply.
David rolls to the other side of the bed, avoiding me and my touch. My chest aches, almost missing him when he is right in front of me. He stands from the bed and disappears into the bathroom; seconds later, I hear the shower running.
Alone, my thoughts immediately turn back to Nathan. I feel like I am drowning in him, and in my heart, I know that I am willingly allowing it; I am making no attempt to swim. I think that a part of my heart will forever be lost to Nathan, but I know that I am not worthy of him, and he would never think of me as anything but his assistant and friend.
David walks out of the bathroom, his skin glistening and a towel wrapped around his waist. I smile at him, but he glares in response. He grabs jeans and top from the drawers, and I play with my hands, picking at the skin around my thumb.
"So, how are you? Did you manage okay without me?" I ask him, my throat drying.
I look up at David; he zips his jeans and pulls on his blue t-shirt. His jaw is set tight, and he looks straight through me, reducing me to nothing with only a look. But then, I realise what he is doing; he is ignoring me because I left and ignored him, and my chest collapses in on itself. The coldness in his eyes shines, almost as if he knows that his behaviour has clicked in my mind.
"I am sorry, if I wanted to keep my job, then I had to go and help with the contract,"
David does not reply; instead, he grabs the vodka from the bedside table and leaves me alone, feeling cold and rejected. I begin to wish that I had never left Nathan and that he didn't see my bruises. I wish for a lot of things.
≿————- ❈ ————-≾
The water runs over my face and into my ears. It cuts me off; no sound, sight, or anything else can break down this barrier of water. The only thing that I cannot escape in this sound barrier is my thoughts. I am plagued with neverending thoughts and memories of Nathan. His eyes haunt me every time that I close my eyes. Last night was long, staring at the ceiling and wishing that everything was different and fighting the urge to get Jane Eyre from the hideaway to have a piece of Nathan in my arms.
"Grace?" David calls through the door, ripping me from my daydreams of Nathan.
David's voice is calm and gentle, which takes me by surprise as he has not opened up to me since I came back yesterday. Instead, he has been cold and distant.
"Yes?" I call over the thundering water.
"I'm taking you out for dinner, so get ready," David tells me in a silvery and excited voice.
The words almost cause me to slip; my hand shoots out to the tiles to brace me. I feel my heart twist, and I freeze for a second with a frown on my brow. This was not what I was expecting, especially after being frozen out as punishment for going on a business trip with... Nathan. Again, I have to push him from my mind as my skin pricks, and I shiver despite the warm water covering me. His smile flashes in my mind, and I feel close to tears as I realise that I will never see it again.
I turn off the shower and wrap a towel around my head and body. I open the door and reveal a smiling David, his eyes sparkling with the grin on his face. The look of excitement in his eyes makes my heart race faster; he is back to being the old David today, and just like that, all the doubt about leaving Nathan behind drifts from me. I can be happy with David; I just have to put in the work.
"Really?" I ask, placing a kiss on his lips.
"Yes, now get dressed." David chuckles, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in for a warm hug.
"I can't wait,"
David smiles against my temple before replacing it with a kiss, and I laugh as his stubble tickles my skin.
"I guess I need to shave,"
I nod, placing another kiss on his lips before walking to the closet. I slide on underwear and look through the small number of clothes I own. I then remember the peach dress that I wore the night that Nathan had cooked for me — I had packed it by mistake in my desperate hurry to leave.
Once my hair is dry, I spray perfume on my neck and wrists. I apply a thin layer of powder to my face and blush along with a few coats of mascara. I slip into the peach dress and step into a pair of white flat shoes that I own.
I look into the mirror; David sweeps up behind me and wraps his arms over my shoulders. His hands move across my breastbone and trials up my neckline. I smile; the gentle contrast of his touch is almost a shock to my system. I then feel a metal chain caress my skin, I look in the mirror, and a dainty silver necklace is fastened around my neck. The pad of my finger touches the small silver heart on the chain.
"David," I breathe out.
"Do you like it?"
"I love it,"
I smile, touching it once again before turning around and kissing his freshly shaved cheek. His hands grip my waist, and I fight back a wince as he kisses me. I can taste the mix of beer and toothpaste.
"Are you ready?"
Nodding, I smile before putting my phone in a small black clutch that I patched up with a sharpie. I look at him; he's wearing a white button-up, with his old suit jacket that he used to wear to police functions. His trousers are - a matching black which leads down to the shining tip of his shoes. He looked really handsome, but I knew that no one would ever compare to seeing Nathan in his suits every day. I hate myself for thinking that; a burning occurs in my heart, and I know I miss him, but I push that from my mind. This is about David and me — this is to save our relationship.
David holds out his hand, and we walk out of the house. David pushes a button on the radio, and sweet jazz plays through the evening air. My hands play with the dainty heart as David drives to the restaurant.
"How was the business trip?" He asks me, and I nervously swallow in surprise.
"It went well. I helped Mr Alexander settle the deal and gain the contract,"
I play with my nails, chipping away at the old nail polish. David glances at me, his eyes are light, and he doesn't appear jealous as he usually is when Nathan is mentioned. I take a deep breath as I know I need to mention that I am now jobless. I need to find a new job before our small savings dry up.
I let out the breath that was trapped in my lungs. It is shaky, and David raises an eyebrow at me when we stop at a red light.
"What's wrong?" He asks, his voice calm.
I feel sweat build on my brow and at the small of my back. The way he is looking at me causes my stomach to drop. It is too calm and too patient for David; I worry that he somehow knows about the kiss, and I feel bile burn the back of my throat because I know the consequences that I will face if he did find out.
"It might be better to leave it until the restaurant. It's important, and we need to discuss it together,"
My voice is unsure and croaky. David smiles at me as if nothing could ever faze him or break this newfound happiness that he has. It did not affect me as it should; instead, it causes a cold panic to course through my veins.
There was something in the air as I step out of the car after David pulls into the valet -- it felt like the calm before the storm, and the air is full of electricity and pressure. I feel it on my skin and on my lungs.
"Come on, beautiful," David calls, holding out his arm for me as the valet parks the car.
We walk into the restaurant and are met with a small queue of people, but David confidently pushes past them, ignoring the sneering and jibs from the waiting people. I am surprised that he has kept a cool head; usually, if someone dared to mutter an ill word against David, it would end in a brawl.
"Name?" The stressed server asks.
"Henderson", replied David, his tone confident, and it makes me smile.
"Follow me"
The server grabs to menus and leads us through the packed restaurant. The lights are dimmed to create an ambience. The walls are glittering with gold wallpaper, and the booths are made with the finest black leather. There is light mood-setting music, just audible above the chatter and the sound of cutlery hitting plates.
Unhooking my arm from David, I slip into the booth, and straight away, David orders champagne. I raise my eyebrows, impressed by the lack of concern about money compared to the usual careful scanning of menus and restricting of food. It makes me happy that he is actively trying to romance me and make this an actual date, much like the ones we used to have at the beginning.
I feel my shoulders relax, and all my previous worries melt away from me as I slip on the champagne. I laugh at David's jokes and stories while we wait for our food.
The waitress arrives carrying our food. She places the large and still sizzling porterhouse steak and all the trimmings in front of David before she smiles and places the bowl of chicken alfredo in front of me. I feel my mouth water at the sight of the food as I haven't eaten since I left Nathan.
"Wow, that's a lot of pasta. Surely, you won't be able to finish that," David states incredulously, and I look down at the normal, if not a small portion of chicken alfredo especially compared to his portion of food.
"Yeah," I say, it comes out in a defeated whisper.
I swallow the feeling of shame and greed that builds in my throat. David takes my hand and squeezes it lightly.
I look at David before taking a bite as if I am waiting for permission to eat. He smiles, and I notice a slight dip of his head, signalling that it was safe for me to begin. I twist the pasta around on the fork before placing it in my mouth. The sensation was a burst of joy as it danced in my mouth. I smile, fighting back a groan and the need to shove it all in my mouth.
"Okay, slow down", David comments, a laugh echoing and slapping me against my cheeks.
I feel my cheeks redden, and I put my fork down. I couldn't bring myself to look at him; the shame of being too greedy and eager was choking me, so I quickly gulp down my champagne. David moves on to talking about something else, and I try my best to focus on what he is saying. I pick my fork back up and pace myself slowly to eat so that he doesn't feel the need to make another comment.
I watch as he talks as the steak rolls about his mouth, the blood staining his lips a pale pink. My stomach turns, but I smile as I remember that I need to put in the effort within this relationship. I straighten my shoulders and make a general comment about what he was speaking about. He takes my hand that was resting on the table, running his thumb across my knuckles as he speaks.
David tells me a story of his glory days on the police force; it's a story that I have heard several times to the point that I can anticipate the next word out of his mouth.
"Dawson and I had no backup, we were pinned, and we knew that backup would not be there in time,"
His voice is excited, and his eyes flash like the gunfire in the story; his steak has been abandoned while his arms are gesturing wildly. I smile, listening to the joy in his voice, and I know that it also brings him sadness that he can't experience that again. I tune back into David's story at the end of it.
"The captain was so impressed with us. He said he'd never seen anything like it," David finished, his hand twiddling his fork while the other holds my hand and squeezes with a sad pressure.
"Every time you tell that story, it feels like the first time all over again. It's such an exciting story,"
David smiles at me before going back to eating the rest of his steak. I twirl pasta onto my fork before putting it into my mouth; I savour the flavour, knowing that it would be the last forkful that I would have despite there being more than half of the portion on my plate.
David and I continue to talk and reminisce about the past and the beginning of our relationship. It is almost as if I am transported back to that seventeen-year-old obsessed with the hot police officer. I am tipsy on the flowing red wine, and David takes my hand in his bringing it to his mouth and leaving behind an array of kisses behind on my skin.
I stare into his eyes, and I am lost in the hope of saving our relationship; this is it — this is the journey to the beginning. His hands trail up my forearm, and I feel my throat grow dry. I take a sip of wine, smiling at him.
David stands up, leans over the table and kisses me like we are the only people in the restaurant. I can taste the wine on our tongues mixing together, and my heart quickens. Flashes of fairy lights and the smell of freshly cut grass fill my senses. David's rough lips transform into the soft and supple lips that haunt my dreams. I hate myself for continuing the kiss; I need the memory to last. David's kiss didn't match or feel right anymore.
"We should get the bill," David suggests, and I nod, leaning my head against his and David's blue eyes remould into the warm chocolate eyes that have bewitched me from the moment I beheld them.
Sitting back down, David motions for the bill, and we finish the last of the wine in our glasses. The waitress brings the bill with a pleasant smile before backing away and giving us a minute.
I glance up at David, watching him falter and panic as he slaps at his pockets. His hands dip into his suit jacket, but he pulls out nothing but the fluff from the seams.
"Shit, I have left my wallet in the house,"
David runs a hand over his tired face, and I feel sorry for him as he stressful pulls at the strands of hair that hang down on his forehead.
"It's okay; I can pay," I whisper, cupping his cheek in my hand. I take my credit card out of my purse and place it on the small black tray.
The waitress bounces over with a warm smile before taking the tray and the card away to pay the bill.
"I am so sorry; it was a genuine mistake,"
"Don't apologise; it could happen to anyone," I tell him, placating him.
"Well, I'll treat you to wine and dessert when we get him," David tells me, a wink delivered in my direction.
"Oh, wait, there was something that you were going to tell me, Grace."
"Oh," I say in surprise. I pause. I try to think of a way to break the news that I have no job to David without ruining this mood and evening.
"Yeah, um, well, I will be looking for a new job this week as I quit my job. I didn't feel right being there anymore, especially when I know you didn't like Nath- I mean, Mr Alexander,"
I knew it was lies, but I also know David and reminding him that I would no longer be around Nathan would ice any fire that he would feel toward no income for a week or more.
"That's great, especially since we both weren't happy with you working there,"
I fight a frown that wants to work its way onto my brows, and I force a smile while nodding in fake agreement.
When the waitress returns to the table, she smiles, places the card down, and I take out a twenty note and give it to her. She thanks me before disappearing to her other tables.
"Let's get out of here," David says, excitement lacing his tone, holding out his hand. I giggle as we walk through the restaurant and out into the night air.
≿————- ❈ ————-≾
David pulls me into him; a laugh escapes my lips high on the evening and the wine. My back hits the front door as his lips find mine — they are still rough, and I can taste the wine on his tongue.
The bottles of wine in the bag clink together, and I blindly turn the key in the door, kissing him back. I feel like that teenager again — back when I first met David.
"Careful," David says as we topple through the front door.
I laugh, falling down onto the couch; David walks through to the kitchen to get two glasses of wine. I kick my heels off and turn on the TV, flicking through the channels as David walks back into the room and pours two glasses of wine.
"To celebrate us," David cheers, clinking his glass with mine.
I smile brightly, losing myself in the romance of the evening. This is what we need — the carefree date nights and nothing but love. This will save our relationship and us.
"To us," I echo, drinking the wine and cuddling into his shoulder.
The movie flashes on the screen, and I lock fingers with David. His hand warm and gentle against my skin — a feeling that I would bathe myself in and get addicted to. I would destroy myself to love him like this forever.
"I'm so glad that you came around to my point of view on that prick, Alexander," David's rough voice cut over the sound of guns from the tv.
"Yeah,"
My fingers tap against the glass and his hand. An awful pit of guilt digs its way into my chest — Nathan only ever showed me undeserved kindness, and this is how I repay him by allowing David to disparage him. I wish that I could have thanked Nathan in person, spent days and hours repaying him for everything — for taking a chance on a poor sap like me and for treating me with respect.
My heart twists; I know that it's missing him. I miss him and the smell of his sandalwood and burnt amber cologne and the chocolate of his eyes. I shake myself; you were nothing more than his employee! I have to remember that, or else that small spark of hope will kill me. My breath becomes increasingly hard to get; I have to escape David and the roaring sound of death coming from the movie.
I stand up, letting go of David's hand, and I pick up the last of the wine, so I have an excuse to go through to the kitchen. I open the fridge to put the bottle away and allow the cool air to fan against my hot skin.
"Oh, you think you are so much better than I am," David started, his voice dangerously quiet.
I felt my back tighten and my heart stop. The tone of his voice is eerily calm despite the words that came from his mouth. I push against the counter, making myself as small as I possibly can. The sound of his chair scraping the floor as he stands up sends chills down my spine.
"Don't you think I know that I'm a failure once again? I don't need you rubbing it in my face,"
I slowly approach him, holding my hands up in a defeating pose. His eyes cut me deep, the dark hatred swirling like a thunderstorm and brewing tornado.
"David, I didn't mean to make you feel that way,"
His steps are sharp, and I retreat backwards across the living room. The couch bumping into the back of my calves, I feel my eyes burn with how wide I am staring at David. My forearms ache with hands still held up in surrender.
"You left me, I lost control again, and that's on you. I drank because I didn't have you,"
He grips her face with his hand while she cries. Suddenly, I'm falling back, and my body crashes into the couch, his knees are on my chest, and he is sobbing angry tears into my face. The tether within me pulling and fraying.
"You left me, and now I'm fucked up again,"
I swallow the burning sob that burrows in my throat; David's hand tightens around my mouth. My lips pressed and folding in a painful angle.
"You think you are a good person, Grace, but you are far from it. Everything about you is poisonous,"
His other hand is pinning my wrist to the couch. The smell of his cologne flooded me; it is cheap and overpowering. I noticed the small bit of steak stuck between his teeth as he spat his venomous words at me.
"I am sorry,"
My voice trembles and I feel my stomach lurch. His eyes turn murderous, and I groan in pain as the friction of his grip burns the skin on my wrist — bringing back the memories of bullies doing the same action to torment me at school. With each burning shock, I feel the tether continue to fray, and I try to grip onto it holding my love for David in desperation before it snaps.
I wait in anticipation for the blow to come to my face, but a loud thud at the door came instead. I peered through my tear-filled eyes up at David; surprise etched on his face. He suddenly moves from on top of me, and I gasp for breath as his weight is removed from my chest.
David moves the curtain, and I sit up and catch a glimpse of a police car parked on the street. David's face has drained of colour to a sickly white.
"If you dare to make a noise or say anything, then I will kill you," David threatens, his teeth bared and gritted together.
My stomach drops, a chill grabs at my spine, and I am made silent by my fear. I believe him. David opens the door, and Gary Dawson, David's old partner, stands on the front porch.
"Henderson, we got a call to carry out a wellness check," Dawson said, his voice calm and clear compared to the madness of David's tone a few seconds ago.
"That's strange," David replied, "But it's good to see you despite the circumstance,"
"Yeah, it hasn't been the same around the station. The chief is stressed due to the number of redundancies, but what can you do,"
"Yeah, I bet the whole squad is stressed. So, as you can see, everything is fine," David said, trying to move Dawson along.
My hands tremble, and I force them behind my back. David's hand snakes around my wrist and twists it up my back, holding me tightly to keep me still. The friction burn spreading.
"Is that right, Grace? Is everything okay here?" Dawson asked, his voice changing and becoming gentle. My voice is stuck to my throat, and I fight with my instinct to cry out or to survive.
"Yeah, of course, it is," David replies for me in the beat of silence.
Dawson looks up at David, his eyes turn serious, but his expression to me remains soft. Dawson clears his throat, which causes David's grip to tighten, and I chew down on the inside of my mouth. The familiar taste of iron and copper fill my mouth like a seeping poison.
"Henderson, could you give me a second alone with Grace?"
David nods, his hand losing on my forearm. His eyes drop to mine, and I can read the meaning behind them, 'If you say anything, then I will kill you,'
David retreats into the kitchen, but I can feel his eyes burn into the back of my skull. His shadow casting onto the living floor, alerting me to know that he was hiding behind the kitchen door.
"Grace," Dawson says, gaining my attention. "We received a call for a wellness check, and your name was mentioned. I do not want to leave here if you could be in any danger either to yourself or if you are in danger,"
My hand rubs the burning skin of my forearm, watching the pitying expression that filled Dawson's eyes. This expression was one that I had seen once before when David was laid off; he helped him during that time.
The kitchen door creaked, altering me to what is happening, and David's threat pounded into my head. Dawson's eyes began to drift to my forearm, which I knew would be bright red and already bruising. I slyly move my arm behind my back.
"No, everything is fine. Whoever phoned in the wellness check must have been mistaken,"
"Are you sure? You look like you have been crying," Dawson persists; concern fills his eye and his mouth turns at the corner in a pitying smile.
As I stare at him, my mouth almost opens to say... what? I don't even know what I would say. I caused the fight, I picked up the wine, and I am the one who left him when David needed my help the most. I don't even know what my life would look like without David. This is all my fault. David was right — I am not a good person.
The muscles in my body tighten — every nerve and blood vessel frozen and paralysed by fear. I knew what David was capable of, and I knew the monster he would turn into if I uttered a word to the police, never mind his ex-partner. My blood runs cold, and the feeling of being watched returns to me, hitching my back up. I don't want to die tonight.
"Everything is fine,"
"Okay, well, you should still have my number. I'll be seeing you around," Dawson nods, but his eyes scan the room behind me, unsure.
"Goodnight, Gary," I say to him, and he moves back from the front step and begins to move to his car.
The click of the door and the feeling of being trapped snaps something in my mind. I am filled with an aching regret in my chest. I choose to stay with him, and I choose to believe that somewhere inside David, that he had to love me even in his darkest moment because if he didn't — then what was all this for?
My eyes flick to David, who stands with a murderous contempt in his eyes.
"Dawson just left," I say as if it wasn't painfully obvious.
"Do you know how embarrassing that was?"
I am made quiet by the resentment that laced his words. His knuckles turning a pale snow white and the vein in his neck pulsed with the intensity of his rage.
"I am sorry, I don't know why Dawson came,"
"Did you phone the police?" asked David, approaching me with steady heavy steps that let me feel the full vibration of his anger.
"No, of course not,"
My mouth goes dry; my blood runs cold as he stands in front of me. I grip my hands tightly, allowing my nails to dig into my palms, trying to control the wavering in my voice and the trembling of my chin.
"I have given you everything. Everything part of me, and you betray me like that," David rages, his hand connecting with the side of cheek.
The sting burns at my eyes, and a high-pitched whining echoes within my ears. I turn and look at him, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his eyes murderous and darkened with his hatred.
"I didn't phone the police. When could I? I have been with you all day."
"I don't believe you," He yells, his saliva landing on my cheek.
David's hands tangle in my hair as he holds me to his face. His hands push against my skull and force me to look into his eyes. His teeth are gritted, and his eyes are cold. He has turned back into the monster. I knew that he wouldn't change, and I couldn't help him. The tether begins to fray, and I felt the rope weaken.
"David, please."
"Who else? Who else would ever love someone as disgusting and selfish as you? I am teaching you how to behave; you don't listen, Grace,"
His nose presses into my cheek, and my eyes well with the pressure of his hands pulling my hair and the sting of the words.
"I know; I'm sorry, David,"
"I am the only person who will ever love you. I am the only person who could ever love someone like you,"
"I know," I apologise, feeling the all too familiar sting of his connecting hand. I press on my cheek, feeling it already damp with tears.
The tether is hanging on with nothing but a strand of thread. I am dangerously dangling over the edge of the cliff with nothing to catch me if it breaks.