Kabanata 38
Nagyaya si Leven na mag-picnic kasama sina Kaiaria at Caer. Both of them act like second parents to him. Kung minsan nga ay napagkakamalan silang pamilya, except for the fact that Leven have gray eyes. Tumitingkad talaga ito sa mga ordinaryong kulay kaya naman agad nilang binabawi ang naiisip nila.
"Himala talaga na natatago mo 'yan kay Etienne. Magkamukhang-magkamukha sila! Nakakaloka ka, manganganak ka na nga lang kamukha pa n'ya tapos pinangalanan mo pa sa kan'ya. Gaga ka rin talaga e,"" ani Yna habang ka-video call naming dalawa ni Leven. She's currently working overseas, baka nga nagt-travel lang talaga siya. Regardless, she seems to be in a good place. I'm happy for her.
I laughed. "Sus, gusto mo lang makita na si Leven."
"Of course! Inaanak ko 'yan kahit wala ako sa binyag." Tumawa rin siya.
"I have to go," paalam ni Yna at kumaway pa kay Leven. "See you, Leven!"
Leven beamed at the camera before the call went off. Totoo naman ang sinabi ni Yna, Leven oddly looks a lot like Etienne. Kaya nga nakakatakot siyang ilabas malapit sa mga kakilala namin. I couldn't hide it at all. His brows, his eyes, and his lips all came from his father's. Tanging ang hugis ng mata at kutis ko lang yata ang namana ni Leven sa akin.
Napalingon ako sa dalawang naglalampungan. They were giggling like kids. Parang hindi pa malapit ikasal. Napangiti naman ako, may mga nagtatagal pa rin pala talaga.
"Bakit hindi ako puwedeng sumama?" Napanguso si Caer habang hawak-hawak ang kamay ni Kaiaria. Nasa may damuhan kami ngayon ngunit may nilatag kaming tela para may paglagyan ng basket.
She only laughed. "I want it all to be a surprise! Kaya ko na ito, saka busy ka na rin sa hospital 'di ba? Ikaw rin ang nag-a-asikaso ng kasal kaya. . ."
Umiling na lang ako. I know the reason. At malayo roon ang rason na mayroon siya. Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong kriminal na nagtatago. Nilingon ko si Caer na mukhang tuwang-tuwa.
Gan'yan din kaya ang magiging reaksyon n'ya kung alam n'yang puwedeng ikamatay ni Kaia ang pagbubuntis sa anak nila?
My eyes watered and I breathed in to help myself regain my posture. Nakakainis dahil wala akong magawa. Hindi ko kayang pigilan si Kaiaria sa gusto n'ya. Binigyan siya ng paraan upang mabuhay pa nang mas matagal. But she refused to. She didn't want that option. She had to let the child go. Hindi kakayanin ng katawan n'ya ang pagbubuntis. Pero ayaw n'ya bitawan 'yong bata.
And what makes me more guilty is I know that she lied to Caer; na okay na siya at kaya na n'ya.
"Mommy," Leven kissed my cheek. Bumalik ang atensyon ko sa kan'ya.
"Miss mo na si papa?" he innocently asked.
"Miss ko na. . ." Kutusan. I stopped myself from saying it. Baka kuhanin pa ni Leven at gamitin.
"Mayaman ba si papa?"
"Hindi 'no. Mas mayaman ako roon," I pushed his cheeks inwardly using my palms. "because I have you. I'm richer than any rich man because they can't have a treasure like you, Leven."
He smiled at me cutely, showing a cute dimple on the side of his cheek. "Miss ko na si papa."
"Miss ka na rin n'on."
"Bakit di n'ya ako pinupuntahan?" he asked in a low voice. "May ginawa ba akong bad?"
Mabilis akong umiling. "Of course not! Leven, it's not your fault, okay?"
"Galit ba siya sa iyo, mommy?"
"H-hindi, bakit mo naman natanong?"
"Sabi ng friend ko, umalis daw ang mama n'ya dahil nagalit ito sa papa n'ya. Gano'n din po ba sa inyo? Mommy?"
My heart broke at his own words. I don't know. The last time that we've talked, it was obvious that Etienne doesn't want any connection to me anymore. Pero sana kung galit siya sa akin ay hindi madamay si Leven. Kahit sa akin na lang, huwag lang ang anak ko.
Maybe this is how my mom felt before. Kahit inaabuso na siya ng ama-amahan ko, she stayed because she thought it was the only way for me to live. She thought I would feel complete if I had a father figure.
Napabuntonghininga ako nang wala sa oras.
Being a mother is a tough decision. That's probably why it should be a choice, it isn't something that society should impose.
"Mahal ako n'on kaya di 'yon nagagalit sa akin." I faked a smile. "Kung di ako mahal n'on, hindi ka naman mabubuo, Leven. You're here because we love each other, okay? You're the living proof that we loved each other. . ."
He gradually formed a tiny smirk, as if he's proud that he was our symbol of love. I was glad that Leven doesn't know the differences between love and loved.
"Paano po ba ako nabuo?"
Putang ina.
Napapikit ako at patago kong nilagyan ng pagkain ang bibig ni Leven na nginuya naman n'ya habang patuloy siyang nakatingin sa akin at naghihintay ng sagot. Ang daming tanong talaga ng mga bata at kadalasan pahirap nang pahirap, parang exam! Lintik!
Papalubog na ang araw at niyaya na kami ni Caer na umuwi upang hindi mahamugan si Kaia at si Leven. I also agreed because the wind did feel solemn and it was strong too. Hindi ko alam kung bakit malungkot ang pakiramdam namin kahit maayos naman ang nangyari ngayong araw.
"Kaia," I held her on her arm. "Sasabihin mo naman 'di ba?"
I wanted to be sure that CL would know about it. Ayoko na dumating sa puntong baka isisi sa bata ang desisyon ni Kaia. Their child is innocent and I know the Caer would be understanding — but he has the right to know now.
"I will," Kaia smiled. "I promise. . ."
And so, as her pregnancy progresses, Caer was excited for their family not knowing that it will only be him who will have to take care of their child. Palagi itong masaya na bumibili ng mga damit at mga kailangan ng isang baby — hindi n'ya alam na baka siya na lang mag-isa ang magsusuot nito sa supling nila.
"Did it hurt?" tanong ni Caer sa akin.
"Gusto mo bang manganak din?" I deadpanned.
Kanina pa siya hindi mapakali. Maagang pumunta ng hospital sina Kaiaria at Caer. Nagtataka lang ako dahil kung bakit parang kalmado lang si Caer. I mean, I do understand that he's a doctor too. Pero para bang hindi man lang siyang kinakabahan na baka tuluyan na mawala sa kan'ya si Kaiaria.
"It's a girl, right?" I played dumb. Updated ako dahil kay Kaia, she always tells me the details first — pakiramdam ko nga ako ang jowa n'ya.
Tumango at ngumiti si Caer. "Yes, it's a girl. Leia Cecilia 'yong name n'ya, it was her mother who named her."
"Leia Cecilia," I smiled upon realizing it had CL's initials on it.
Gano'n kamahal ni Kaiaria si CL, huh? Pinilig ko naman ang ulo ko, nagsalita pa ako nang gano'n kahit ako mismo ay pinangalan din sa anak ko ang pangalan ng kan'yang ama.
Naghihintay lang kami sa labas ng delivery room habang tumatakbo ang oras. Caer was watching the clock's movement as the time goes on while I was on call with Leven. Hindi ko siya dinala sa hospital dahil babalik din naman ako pagkatapos manganak ni Kaiaria.
My heart was pit-pattering when the doctor finally went outside. Mukha itong dismayado at halos hindi magawang i-angat ang kan'yang ulo.
The moment the words came out from the doctor's mouth. Caer was frozen on his spot. As if he wasn't anticipating the possibility that only Leia Cecilia will come out alive in that room.
"Sorry, we did our best. . ."
Napalingon ako kay Caer. I was expecting a calm expression from him but he was too frozen on his spot. And I knew from that moment, Caer didn't know that Kaiaria was struggling to keep the baby alive. Alam kong uunahin ni Caer si Kaiaria kaysa sa anak nila. My throat constricted as I felt it hard to breathe. Pakiramdam ko isa ako sa mga nag-traydor sa kan'ya.
I feel guilty for not telling him sooner. Ngayon ko lang nakitang parang hindi alam ni Caer ang gagawin n'ya. He always looks composed. Ngayon ay tila ba naestatwa siya at gusto na lang n'yang magising sa isang masamang panaginip.
"CL," tawag ko sa kan'ya. "Did you know?"
Unti-unti siyang umiling.
"I didn't. . ." Caer's tears cascaded on his cheeks, he looked weak as if he's slowly crumbling down. "I d-didn't know, Solstice. I t-thought she was okay. I was with her during her check ups about her health. H-hindi ko alam na . . ."
She really did her best to hide it from him? My heart sank.
"She told me. . . She's not scared of dying, Caer." I smiled amidst the rising feeling of loneliness. "Because she knows you'll be a great father."
And I know that too. Caer was supportive in her pregnancy. Hindi lang sinabi sa kan'ya ni Kaiaria ang maaaring mangyari. Pain was written across his face. The way his lips wouldn't even move for a bit made me feel the thorns being pricked on every part of his being.
I don't know how to comfort someone who had to arrange the funeral of his own love. Hindi pa nga n'ya nagawang ipagdiwang ang kapanganakan ni Leice ay nandito na siya sa sariling burol ng mahal n'ya.
"Nasaan si tita Kaia?" tanong ni Leven sa akin sa isang tawag.
I also didn't know how to confront Leven's questions. Habang lumalaki siya ay parami ito nang parami. I bit my lower lip and bent my knees to match my son's height.
"She's in. . . Heaven." I swallowed hard as I answered his question. "Yes, nandoon na siya. She's happy there."
"Puwede ba tayo sumama roon?"
Napapikit naman agad ako. Parang sinulid na lang talaga ang pasensya ko sa sobrang nipis. Kakarampot na lang talaga. Pasalamat ka mahal kita, Leven.
"Leven," I breathed heavily. "Tita Kaiaria is gone."
"Edi saan nga siya pumunta?" Ngumuso si Leven.
Marahas ko na sinalampak ang ulo ko sa pader. Gusto ko na lang himatayin ngayon para lang maiwasan ang mga tanong n'yang ang hirap sagutin.
Hindi ko pinapunta si Leven sa burol. I just thought that it would cause him distress to see one of his favorite people go. Paunti-unti ko na lang sigurong sasabihin sa kan'ya ang nangyari.
"Caer," I called him as he watched over the people seeing Kaiaria for the last time. Naka-itim siyang polo at pants tulad ng karamihan. Yet his bloodshot eyes made it more obvious that he was getting all the affliction.
"Sana sinabi na lang n'ya," namamaos na sabi ni Caer. "Hindi na sana. . . We shouldn't have pushed it through."
"Leia Cecilia wouldn't be here if you did."
Napapiki siya nang mariin. "Can't I j-just have them both? Sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang naman ako may hiningi. I have always been understanding. . . Bakit siya p-pa?"
"Caer. . ."
Caer looked at me, his eyes still producing tears. "Is this my karma for all the wrong choices that I made because I thought it was the right thing to do?"
"Wala kang ginawang masama, Caer. Stop blaming yourself."
Suminghap siya at suminghot. "Kung wala akong ginawang masama, bakit ako pinahihirapan ng mundo?"
I couldn't explain that. The world, to be frank, is such an asshole at times. Kahit sabihin mo na para kang santa sa sobrang bait, hindi ka naman makakaligtas sa sakit. It would always find a way to make you feel bad for being too kind.
"Leice." I said.
Natigilan si Caer sa pag-iyak at lumingon siya sa akin. "Ano?"
"Kaiaria told me that. . . She wanted to call her baby as Leice. Kasi noon daw, she used to call you that way. Binabaliktad n'ya 'yong pangalan mo para inisin ka. . . Pero never ka naman daw nagalit sa kan'ya. You would even smile when she used to call you that way."
Leia Cecilia has all the letters to produce Leice. Kaiaria really did want Caer to adore her as much as she did. Hindi ko mapigilan ang humikbi dahil alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam kapag nakita mo na ang anak mo.
"Please take care of Leice," I sobbed and harshly shoved my tears away. "M-mahal na mahal ni Kaia 'yong bata. She knew she would die, Caer. Alam n'ya na mas malaki ang tiyansa na baka hindi n'ya kayanin pero giniit n'yang magiging mabuting ama ka k-kahit wala siya. She knew you would love Leice the way you showed that she had nothing to fear because she is loved. She wasn't even s-scared of death. Gano'n n'ya kamahal 'yong bata. Gano'n ka n'ya kamahal."
Caer cried as he lowered down his head. "Alam mo bang wala siyang iniwan sa akin? Na kahit n-na ano. A letter? A short notice? A text message. . . Ni isa wala, Solstice. You know what I found?"
I swallowed the heaviness inside my chest as Caer wetted his lips and smiled at me with tears in his eyes.
"Her wedding vows." His voice cracked. "P-paano ko 'yon babasahin, Solstice? T-tell me, how can you read the promises that the person you love w-wrote for you? Kahit alam mong hinding-hindi na n'ya 'yon matutupad. . ."
Napasinghap ako. "Kaiaria also had a wish from me. At kung d-di 'yon nagawa ni Kaia. . ." I swallowed the huge lump on my throat.
"She asked me to marry you," pagsisiwalat ko habang mugto na ang mga mata at nauutal-utal na. "Do you want t-that? Will you marry me, CL? For the sake of Kaiaria's dying wish?"
❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
Hi, I usually update on Wednesday and/or Friday since those are my free days. But my updates are for boc or kst. I'll try to resume to more frequent updating on vacation. Thanks for reading! I appreciate your kind appreciation! Sobra.
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