songs:
off the table- ariana grande
around my neck- finneas
"Scoot over, dimples. I'm cold." I didn't remember falling asleep on the window side of the bed, but it was always so much colder over there. December brought that extra chill in the air that made everything crisp and sharp in its coldness.
Harry scooted just a bit and nuzzled his face into my neck. One arm rested above our heads and the other draped across my body limply, he was still sound asleep, his breath was even, soft, and warm against my skin. I curled the comforter up and over us, covering my bare torso in hopes to gain some warmth.
The city was quiet that morning, which left me alone with my thoughts as I turned my head and stared out the window. I closed my eyes and my mind replayed the same thing that had circulated for months now, "It's okay baby, I love you too." When my eyes were closed I could watch the way his mouth formed around the words. I could practically feel the air move from his mouth as he said them. When my eyes were closed I could hear him say it again.
But he hadn't.
To be fair, neither had I. But, that's beside the point. Every night, and every morning, and sometimes in the middle of the afternoon, I would just have this wave of uncertainty. This overwhelming sense of dread that I may never hear him say that again. This crippling fear that we may never heal ourselves enough to get to that place.
As I watched the leaves blow out the window I couldn't help but wonder if loving each other openly and honestly and vulnerably was ever going to be on the table for us. We'd given each other so many scars in our past, ripped open old wounds until they were bumpy and dark and jagged when they healed over. We were in a place now where they were softer, a little more palatable, like he'd drawn stars around them, romanticized the pain we caused each other.
The doubt was infectious but easily pushed down by the pull in my chest. For every painful thought of us being too far gone to make this work, another grounding thought would remind me that no one in the world feels like him. I'd be reminded of every time our eyes met across a room, every time his fingers brushed my skin in secret, every lie I told just to have a few moments with him, every single thing I sacrificed just to have him for small moments. This could not be fleeting, this could not be temporary, it had to be him.
I couldn't feel like this for nothing.
I closed my eyes again and felt him next to me, felt the heat from his body and the weight of his limbs where they tangled with mine. For years I dreamt of this, of having him like this. I spent every night hating him because he didn't want me this way, and now here he was. Wanting me, holding me, spending every night in bed with me. He was making me meals and kissing me in public, holding my hand, and sitting me in his lap in front of all of our friends.
Why could I never be satisfied? Why was nothing ever enough for me? This life that I was living was more than I ever thought I would have. I never imagined that I could have Harry, and live the life I wanted to.
He said he loved me, and I just had to believe him. I felt his lips press to the skin below my ear at the same time a tear ran down the other side of my face. How poetic.
"Morning, poppet." Harry's voice is so low and gravelly in the mornings, it's my favorite little secret that I get to keep tucked away all day. I don't respond, not trusting my voice enough yet, but he can feel me smile and it encourages him to keep going. His nose skims up the shell of my ear and he leaves a gentle kiss on the skin there.
His body scoots closer to mine, molding himself against me while his thumb draws circles on my stomach. He props himself up on the arm that was above us and I meet his eyes for the first time this morning. "You're thinking way too hard this early in the morning, what's up?" His fingertip traces the trail that the tear left behind.
"Oh, I'm fine, it was nothing. How'd you sleep?" Deflecting is a go-to response of mine and it's served me well.
He doesn't answer me though, instead, he lets his finger trace the trail all the way down and around my neck, and then he cupped the back of my head and leaned down to hold me in a kiss. His lips moved slowly, not in any rush to heat up the moment. He placed soft pecks to my top and bottom lip that made my eyes well up with tears again, and then he kissed me fully. His lips were so warm, they immediately soothed the tension in my own.
He hummed in gentle satisfaction as his lips held mine. His eyes cracked open and he caught me watching him. "Stop lookin' at me like that if you're not gonna talk to me." It was almost a whisper as it came out of his mouth. I didn't know what to do so I just closed my eyes slowly. After feeling him take a deep breath he pressed his forehead against mine.
"How do you feel about a date tonight? Nice dress, good food that costs too much, a quickie in the bathroom?" He asked with a smile on his face as he kissed my cheeks and laid my head back down so that his hand could roam my body.
"That would be fun," I answered with my eyes still shut but a smile on my face.
His fingertips brought life back into my body as they trailed over my skin. He brought me back into myself, got me out of my head. As his palm flattened to my stomach and slid up my sternum I took my first full breath of the day. "There she is, my favorite girl." His hand worked more heavily now that my body was responding to him. Slow and steady he rounded each breast and let out a happy sigh as their heavy weight spilled over his hand. He traced the back of his knuckles over the skin that settled into soft rolls at my sides and ran his open hand along the softest, most malleable curve of the bottom of my belly.
He still had himself propped up on one arm as he ran his other hand down my thigh. My body responded on its own, my brain had cut off any thoughts that weren't about how his fingers felt as they explored my skin. I laid my legs open gently and arched up toward him when he tickled the inside of my thighs. "You're so pretty in the mornings. Can I make you feel good? I want to watch you come apart for me."
"Mhm, please do." This was safe. This act of love through our bodies was safe and familiar. it required no painful thoughts, no stammering words, or sweaty palms. We were confident in this, we were built for this. His hand slid between my legs and he let his head drop to my neck. "There ya go, pretty girl, relax for me. I've got you."
Slowly he ran the width of his hand up and down over the thin cotton of my underwear. He kept a slow and steady pace until I started to breathe heavily and work my hips in time with his hand. His lips left small purple bruises on my neck, his public claim to my body. When I started to whine he licked a stripe up my neck and finally gave me skin-to-skin contact with his fingers.
"Greedy girl, so impatient. I'm gonna give you what you want." Two fingers inside of me with no resistance. His thumb worked circles over my clit while moans poured from my open lips into his mouth. The tip of his tongue teased my upper lip, he nipped at my bottom lip with his teeth. He was so relaxed, just casually propped up against me, taking his time.
"Harder, H, please, I want to "
His fingers moved quickly from between my legs and made their way into my mouth, effectively silencing me. "Greedy, greedy, poppet. I'm having fun playing with you, stop rushing me. Are you listening?" I nodded my head and pressed my thighs together under the covers. "When I let you go, you're going to slide off these worthless panties, and then you're going to roll over and get that buzzy little friend of yours out of the second drawer. Then you're going to come right back here and spread your pretty legs for me, understand?"
Every single word he said made me throb. He spoke calmly though, almost softly, and his eyes weren't dark and scary, they were full of so much desire that it felt like love. I nodded again and moaned around his fingers as he slid them out of my mouth.
As soon as I was released I leaned up to kiss him hard while I wiggled the underwear down my legs. I rolled to my side with a smile and stretched to reach my bedside table. As soon as my bare ass was bared to him he slid a finger inside of me again. I had to death grip the nightstand while I gasped out a moan. I felt the distinct feel of his mouth on my ass cheek as I grabbed the cordless wand from the drawer. When he bit down playfully on the skin there I clenched tightly around his finger. Then, like I had imagined the whole thing, he was gone from my body and back in his position on the bed. Propped up on his side, rock-hard bulge tenting his pajama prints, a cocky smile on his face.
I scooted myself back into position and held the wand up for him while I got my legs in a comfortably spread position. That wand was so intimidating when I first got it, but we'd become close friends by this point. I wiggled into position and looked up at Harry with a smile on my face.
"Comfy?" He asked.
"Pft, with you? Always." He laughed at my snarky tone but kissed me anyway as he took the vibrator from my hands.
He started it on the lowest setting and moved it in slow patterns around my torso. He'd make small noises of satisfaction when I'd suck in a breath each time he moved it across one of my nipples. He loved it down to my hips at a ridiculously slow pace, and then he turned it up two settings. I was covered in goosebumps and shuddering in place when he finally ran the large head of the wand down between my legs. He moved it up and down just like he had done with his hand over my underwear, working me to the brink of madness.
I was sweating, my body felt like it was detoxing, but my mind was absolutely at peace. Not a single thought could form other than Harry and how good he was making me feel and how he was looking at me like I was the only thing on the planet that he gave a fuck about. He was watching me work myself over the head of the wand, hypnotized by the rhythm we had created.
"Harry! Please! God, please, more." His eyes shot to mine and he smiled breathlessly and pressed his crotch against my hip so that I could feel how hard he was.
"Sorry baby got distracted. Fuck, you look so fuckin' good right now. Feel that?" He thrust against my hip again gently and then whined the most delicious moan I'd ever heard. "I can feel it too. I can feel it move through you. Fucking hell, poppet, I could die a happy man right now." His forehead was against my temple and he kept shallow thrusts going with the rhythm of my hips.
"I need more," It came out pathetic but that's just how he liked it.
"Easy, tiger. Teamwork, yeah? Use this hand and hold her open for me so I can get the spot you need, okay?" He set the vibrator on the bed and guided my hand between my legs. I spread myself open without an ounce of shame, which was something I couldn't dream of doing when we were younger.
The first touch of that vibrator to my clit was like being struck by lightning. There's such a power that you give a partner when they use a toy, such a trust. He took me by surprise, I yelped much louder than I would have if I had known it was coming. He moaned out a long string of obscene things as he thrust toward my hip again.
We stayed locked like that for minutes that felt hours. My body was shaking, Harry's mouth was working overtime in my ear while he was grinding his erection against my vibrating hips. "You're not gonna last long, you should see how desperate you look right now. Fuckin' torturing myself over here, but it'll be worth it. You're gonna cum so good for me, aren't you? Make a mess for me, poppet. Melt for me, baby, I've got you. I'll take care of you."
My free hand moved to death-grip his arm as my body started to shake. "Mhm. Good girl, poppet. Just like that." I was gone. I don't even know the words that ripped from my throat, my whole body was on fire, and did he stop? Did he turn it down and nicely work me down from my orgasm?
Of course not.
He wiggled the head of the wand against me, made me scream his name, and rip the vibrator from his hands. I rolled away from him and he instantly followed as I turned off the toy and threw it on the ground. He tried to roll me back to him but I resisted. "That was mean!" I shot at him over my shoulder.
"I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry. Come back, I'll be gentle. I promise." His hand ran up and down my arm, soft kisses landed on the side of my head. I gave in a little bit and rolled back into my previous position, but kept my legs firmly shut. "C'mon poppet, I'll play nice." His fingers trailed across my thighs and hips.
I kept them closed but let him kiss me. He kissed me so well, like the whole world melted away and it was just the two of us left. He whined into my mouth when I started rocking my hips again but wouldn't move my legs. "Please, poppet. I'll be good."
When I denied him again he gave it one last shot. He begged, the only way he knew how. It was a demand, but with a little whimper in his voice that shot straight to my clit. "Ashton, baby, open your legs please." Having a man beg to get you off just really never gets old.
That morning ended in two orgasms for me, a lovely bath, and a very cold shower for Harry, with a promise of a very good night. We spent the rest of the morning getting ready for work, and later that evening he made good on his date plans.
It was an eventful evening, to say the least.
I spent all day thinking about how I was going to spend my night.
I had a pretty solid plan. I'd get off work, get to her place as fast as I could, try to convince to stay home, and let me fuck her all night long, which would fail because I made the mistake of mentioning the Mexican restaurant that we both loved earlier in the day. When that fails I would kiss her senseless in the hallway and finally take her out for dinner. The place we liked had a really cool vibe, great live music, and delicious food. We would be there for a couple of hours, have some drinks, eat some good food, maybe do a little dancing if the vibe is right, and then we'd go home.
I had all kinds of plans for us back at my apartment. The kind of plans that involved that pink rope that she loved so much. I stole it months before. It had been buried in my closet, waiting to surprise her.
I worked at superhuman speeds that day. I felt like I had six shots of espresso, but it was just Ashton. I was absolutely buzzing to get my hands on her again.
Niall gave me shit all day but I just didn't care. I spent all day ignoring him or flipping him off while he laughed at me and when I finally ran out the door we were both laughing our asses off at how ridiculous I was acting. Ash had been off work for an hour and a half already which meant she was probably all freshly showered and lotioned and her hair would be so soft and smell amazing. I could hardly wait to ruin her makeup. Her eyeliner always looked so pretty when it ran down her face and smeared all over my pillows.
I pulled my beanie down over my ears as I put my AirPods in and got on the train. I had a voicemail and a few missed calls from Zayn, which was unusual but not necessarily concerning. I sat alone on the bench and clicked play,
"Hey H. Uh, call me back when you get a chance. Nothing urgent, but a few of our small dealers got busted and arrested this week. Nevermind, I'll call Li about it, it's fine. Have a good one man, see you soon. Bye."
It was shitty, no one liked the thought of dealers squealing, but I wasn't too concerned about it. I wasn't concerned about much of anything though at that time.
I walked off the train, ran up the steps, and called Zayn back. It rang for a bit but he never answered. I was going to call again but by then I could see Ashton's apartment building and that took all of my attention. I could imagine her walking around up there with no pants on, music up too loud, hair pinned back so she doesn't get makeup on it, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth while she tries to find her shoes.
It's so easy to imagine someone when you know them as well as I knew her.
Sure enough, when I got upstairs and pushed open the door the whole apartment was flooded with bubblegum pop vocals. Ashton's pants were on but undone, and her hair was still pinned back. It took her 10 minutes to form a full sentence while my tongue was in her mouth, but she finally got us out the door.
It was surprisingly warm for early December. No snow, which was nice because we had a nice buzz on our walk home from dinner. We sat at the restaurant for hours just talking and eating. We played tic-tac-toe and hangman on the napkins. We danced to a couple of songs. Well, dance is a loose interpretation. We made out while standing on the dance floor.
Ashton teased me all night. She looked so pretty, even all bundled up. Her hands slid up my thighs under the booth, palming over the growing bulge in my jeans. She twisted her tongue around her straw and batted her eyes at me until I wanted to rip her to her knees.
Twice on our walk home I pressed her against a storefront of a light pole and kissed her until I couldn't breathe. I kissed her mouth and her neck until she was panting my name and pushing me away from her. It was a nice walk though, it was dry and the lights were so pretty. We passed so many people out and about. We even passed a Christmas tree stand and I promised Ash that we'd get one that weekend to put up at her place. Evie would destroy one at my place, but Ashton had a good spot by her windows.
When we finally reached my apartment building I was all but shoving her up the stairs. My hands were planted firmly on her ass while we walked up to my door. She fumbled with her key, giggling while I nibbled on the hickeys I'd left that morning. We made it inside and her hands were on me in an instant. Hat off, my green coat was on the floor, her hands were under my sweater, and her mouth was on mine. My hands were in her hair, pulling her closer to me when the knocking started.
"Open up!"
"NYPD, open up!"
Ashton pulled away from me with a look of confusion, but my heart was beating so hard that my vision went spotty.
"NYPD!" Was the last warning we got before they broke down my door. Evie meowed loudly and ran to the bedroom, Ashton jumped out of her skin, and I couldn't move.
Four officers entered my apartment. I put my hands up, Ashton started yelling. "Stop! You can't do that!" They forced me to the floor almost immediately and started patting me down. "Stop! Leave him alone! What the fuck are you doing!"
Ashton was freaking out, poor thing, and all I could think about was Zayn's voicemail. The smaller dealers were a warning. Someone had tipped off the police about us. I just didn't know who. Jameson was an obvious choice, but we had made enemies with the group that killed Lou too. It would have been easy for them to tip off the law. All I knew is that if they had me, they'd go for Liam next, and then work up to the lesser-known pawns in the game. None of the guys were safe. Which meant that Ashton wasn't safe.
"Don't fucking touch me!" Snapped me out of my thoughts. I snapped my eyes to Ashton's just as they wrestled her to the ground.
"Stop! Leave her alone! She has nothing to do with this! Stop! Get the fuck off of her you fucking bastard!" I was thrashing against the officer above me but I couldn't get him off while I was cuffed. I looked at the tears rolling down Ashton's face and I knew that I was going to have to do something that I never wanted to do. She couldn't call the guys, they'd trace her right to them.
There was only one person who she could call that could get me and the boys out of this. So I swallowed harshly and felt my sinuses sting as I tried to speak to her calmly.
"Ash, baby, it's okay. It's okay, calm down. You didn't do anything wrong, they're gonna let you go."
She kept fighting. "Harry, what is going on! What the fuck!? They can't-"
"Poppet, look at me." She finally stopped and her eyes met mine. We were belly down on the floor, faces turned toward each other while sirens sounded and officers spoke to each other.
"I need you to call your dad, Ash."
"Huh?" It didn't register at all, but they were hauling me off the floor and away from her.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I'll tell you everything, I promise. Call your dad, Ash." They turned and shoved me toward the door but I couldn't stop turning back to look at her.
Unfortunately, I saw the exact moment that she realized what I'd been saying.
____________________
hey, hi, hello
:)
love you. thanks for being here! -mo