MAGNETIC [H.S.]

44. let you down

songs:
cocaine and abel- amigo the devil
place in me- luke hemmings

if you don't like to listen while you read, please listen to cocaine and abel before you start. it's the most important song for magnetic harry that's ever been written. i love him, and you.

I had never begged for death before, but I found myself making bargains with the universe until my knees were bruised.

I begged, pleaded, and screamed at the universe, insisting that it messed up, it should have taken me and left Liam here. It wasn't his time to go, it was supposed to be me.

I became well acquainted with the floor, it became the altar of my self-sacrifice, the place I offered myself to the universe if it could just take it back. I didn't want to be invincible anymore. I would have offered it anything to take back the look on Ashton's face the last time I saw her.

The way she looked at me...I couldn't even bring myself to think about it.

We woke up that morning in peaceful ignorance. We woke up with slow roaming hands, hot breath on my neck, closed-mouth kisses that morphed into smiles. Her fingers traced over my face in the sunlight, sinking into my dimples while I smiled down at her. God, she was beautiful. If I had known what was coming I would have touched her longer. I would have imprinted the feel of her body under my hands. I would have taken mental snapshots of her to tuck into my memory.

But I didn't know, I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready.

I didn't even realize that he hadn't called me. I was too preoccupied, my brain too full of his sister to even notice that he never called when the drop was done.

They said he laid there for hours. All alone.
The blood had coagulated around him.

Zayn found him. He went straight to the warehouse after not hearing from him all night. He called the cops, kept it all above the table. He knew it could do the most damage to Jameson's sentence that way.

He told Cora alone. He told Niall alone.

But when the knocking came on Ashton's door, both Zayn and Niall stood outside it. Their eyes were red and swollen. Ashton pulled the door open and looked from them to me with confusion on her face. As soon as Niall looked at me, I flung myself toward my phone and checked it.

Nothing.

I checked it again. I scrolled through my missed calls over and over again. "No, no, no..."

"Harry? Guys? Why- Where's Liam?" My poor girl was looking between the three of us, begging us to not ruin her life. Again.

"NO!!" I slammed my phone against the corner of her nightstand and watched it shatter.

"Oh god, he's hurt? Where is he!? Why are we standing here, we have to go see him! Where is he!? What hospital!?" Ashton was frantically pulling a sweater over her arms and trying to move around Z to get to her shoes.