Chapter Eighteen: Shit
I love talking to my friends and especially to my mom. I don't think I'm talkative but I just like to express my opinion and give advice.
Maganda rin sa'kin na confidence ako sa pagsasalita sa harap ng buong klase o harap ng buong school.
My confidence began to grow in the freshman of high school and it really helped the Rina now.
Pero there will always be limits when it comes to these kinds of things.
Yes, I can talk about stuff and my opinions and it helps me gain more friends but there is a limit for me.
Mahirap sa'kin na mag-open up sa buhay ko o yung nakaraan ko. So far, si Genevieve pa lang ang nakausap ko tungkol sa nararamdaman ko, sa emosyon ko at sa nakaraan ko.
Kahit yung buhay ko noong puro away ang mga magulang ko.
I was used to living with my mother.
She worked hard for me and for everything but mostly for me, naramdaman ko talaga na mahal niya 'ko at wala na 'kong hihingin pa sa kanya.
And then I met him.
I met my father again.
I heard so many stories about my biological father, so many.
Galing kay Lola o kanila tito o tita.
Mom and dad were perfect for each other, they truly loved each other's companies, and just... it was perfect. Sabi ni lola sa simula pa lang ay parang 'di nila maalis sa isa't-isa ang ngiti at tuwa sa tuwing magkasama silang dalawa.
But that's it.
No one knew what happened after. Walang nakakaalam kung paano napunta sa hiwalayan, sa sakit, at sa walong taon na taguan ng nanay ko mula sa totoo 'kong tatay.
I could still remember the first time I met him again, and all I could think about was that he is entirely the male version of myself.
He was gorgeous.
But of course, not all gorgeous things are good things.
Hindi ko inaakalang makikita ko yun sa harap ko, lahat lahat ng narinig ko nung araw na yun ang nagbigay sa'kin nang dahilan para 'di ko na siya makita pa.
I don't hate him, I don't hate my mom, but I just hated them when they're together.
And this is what's happening right now.
"Baliw. Nababaliw ka na talaga!" sigaw ni mommy.
"Baliw? Ikaw ang nababaliw! You know what, you've always been crazy!"
"Talaga ba? Ini-English mo pa 'ko."
"Baliw ka para hindi ako ipasok sa buhay ng anak ko, sa buhay ni Katerina. Sarili 'kong anak yan, kinailangan ako nang anak ko!"
I never really looked for him.
I wondered what he looked like sometimes but at the end, I wished I just never did.
Nakaupo ako sa may hagdanan habang nakikinig sa kanilang dalawa na nag-aaway.
"Hindi ka niya kailangan at sisisihin mo pa talaga ako na hindi kita pinasok sa buhay niya samantalang busy na busy ka sa sarili mong buhay doon. Bakit sa palagay mo hindi ko naisip na ipasok ka, ha?"
"Wow, so you're going to put this on me? I did all of it, I did all of that shit for you! For us!"
It was the same thing.
Lagi niyang excuse ay ginawa raw niya yun para kay mommy at para sa kanilang dalawa. I have no idea what he did but if that's what made my mom choose to never let my father enter my life, then it must be pretty bad.
Kahit na 'di ko man sila makita ngayon at nakikinig lang ako, ramdam ko na puno ng galit at sakit ang ekspresyon ng mukha ni mommy.
She went through a lot and I've seen all of it, but it was the first time when I saw her face with so much pain when she had her first confrontation with my father in front of me that day.
"For us? Para sa'tin? Pero nagpakasal ka sa kanya, para sa'tin din ba yun?"
Huminga ako nang malalim sa narinig ko at pinikit ang mga mata ko rin.
That was also a mystery.
He loved her, he loved her truly but in the end, he married another woman a few years after their breakup, even had kids with her.
Kung mahal mo talaga yung tao, bakit ka pa hahanap nang iba?
Bakit ka nga ba nakahanap nang iba pagkatapos niyo agad maghiwalay, hm?
Parang hanggang ngayon may butas pa rin yung puso ni mommy, parang hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin.
Maybe, maybe I will never get the answer.
Maybe, maybe I will never understand why she's still in pain.
Maybe, maybe I will never understand why he did what he did.
Maybe, maybe I will never understand how easy it is for him to find someone else and marry that someone when he loved her for a decade.
Maybe, maybe I will never understand love.
I mean, ano namang alam ko sa pag-ibig? Wala pa akong alam dahil hindi ko pa nararanasan, pero alam ko, alam ko na mararanasan ko rin yun.
Sometimes I feel that rush of excitement whenever I think of falling in love with someone who's falling in love with me too.
But realistically speaking, not everything that I have read or dreamt of is going to happen.
Kung ganito na nga kasakit na magkagusto sa isang tao, paano pa kaya kapag nahulog na 'ko nang husto at mahal ko na siya?
Paano kung mas lalo lang akong mapa-ibig kay Alexander?
Paano kung mahulog pa ako nang mahulog?
Saan ang landing ko o walang tigil lang talaga ang hulog ko dito?
Paano kung mahulog lang ako sa sahig na puno ng apoy at masunog lang ako?
Paano kung mahulog lang ako at puno pala nang tinik yung landing ko?
E 'di patay ako?
God... there is something wrong with me.
This is too dark for me now.
Kung ano ano nanaman ang pinagiisip ko. I should just focus on my classes right now.
"Oh, Alexand--" I was going to greet him but I stopped immediately from completing my greeting.
'Di ko natapos dahil sa itsura nang mukha niya. I let him walk pass by me with solemn expression on his face.
Kinabahan ako sa itsura niya at napunta agad ang mga mata ko kay Ryland na nasa tabi ko sa bintana.
"Anong problema?"
"Anong problema? Wala akong alam, Katerina."
Ito siguro yung pinakaunang beses na nakita ko si Alexander na ganito.
Pumasok lang din talaga siya sa classroom niya nang walang ekspresyon sa mukha niya ngayon. He doesn't have his usual smile, his laugh, or his greetings to me and Ryland.
May nangyari o may problema talaga. O baka pareho lang.
Ewan ko ba, but I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
Nagsimula na nga yung araw ko na may away sa living room na'min sa bahay ngayon naman wala pa ngang flag ceremony may issue si Alexander.
I looked like an idiot trying to find Alexander throughout the whole flag ceremony before our classes pero wala siya.
Wala siya sa linya ng klase niyo o talagang 'di siya sumama papuntang gym para sa flag ceremony. Mas lalo lang akong kinabahan dahil 'di ko gusto yung nakita ko kanina.
Tinext ko si Silas bago magsimula yung klase at nagreply naman siya pagkatapos nang second class for today.
Tinext ko kung anong problema ni Alexander pero sinagot lang ako na 'di niya rin alam, that he'll try to find out later on because the Manuel twins are also confused.
Genevieve is worried about me.
Narealize niya agad that's something is bothering me, tulad niya ay ganun din ako sa tuwing naiisip ko si Alexander kanina.
Recess.
Hindi ko siya nakita sa hallway o kahit sa classroom niya kanina since our classrooms are just across each other this time.
Silas' classroom is just next to us dahil nasa senior high school na rin kami, mas madali nang makipagusap sa isa't-isa tuwing recess o lunch kapag absent si Genevieve o nasa detention nanaman siya.
"Look at you..." I heard Silas from behind.
"Huh?"
"You are attracting way too much attention, Ms. Miranda."
"What... attention?"
Lumingon ako sa hallway at nakita agad yung mga estudyante na nakatitig sa'kin at pati na rin yung mga freshmen na bumibisita sa department na'min.
"Oh."
"Oh? You must be really used to it, huh." he smirks.
"Inaasar mo ba 'ko?"
"Nope, I'm complimenting you."
I rolled my eyes at him at tumawa lang siya sa'kin. Silas is still the same ever pero wala na siyang masyadong mga babae this time, sobra na pocus niya sa pag-aaral dahil malapit na rin siyang grumaduate at pati na rin sila Yael at Jaxon.
I can't believe na gagraduate na sila, ilang taon din kaming magkakaibigan dito sa NEO.
At ngayon, gagraduate sila at magkokolehiyo pa.
They're finally going to have that life outside of school, becoming real adults out there.
"Did you... pass your exam?"
"Anong klaseng tanong yan?"
"Naks, ang confident naman na'tin."
"I am confident because I studied, Katerina Grace Miranda."
"Buti naman at nag-aral ka, akala ko magaling ka lang sa babae at sa halika--"
"Hey, hey." tinakpan niya ang bibig ko gamit ang kamay niya at ngiti lang ang bumuo sa labi ko nang makita ko yung pagkagulat sa mukha niya.
"Ang lakas nang boses mo, Rina."
"I'm just saying..." I paused, inalis ko ang kamay niya sa bibig ko.
"...at least you're more than just a playboy, Silas Nakamoto." I smirked.
When class started, Silas kind of matured.
Hindi na siya masyadong nakikipagusap sa iba't-ibang babae, pero sometimes napapaisip ako na baka 'di niya kinakauusap yung mga babae sa senior high dahil nahalikan niya na yata silang lahat.
Isa rin yun sa rule ni Silas, to never return to an ex. Kaya nga sila ex eh, they're an ex for a reason.
"It's been two minutes and you haven't mentioned Alexander."
I sighed.
"Well, wala ka namang alam."
"Tinext ko siya, kinamusta ko. Walang reply, maybe... it's a problem he has to deal with by himself, Rina."
"We've dealt with our problems together, Silas. Yung problema mo nga sa ex mo eh, kung hindi dahil sa'ming apat e 'di sana kayo pa rin nung babaitang yun."
"Hey, don't mention that--"
"Si Yael nga eh, nung nanghihingi nang advice kung paano alisin sa utak niya yung babaeng may gusto sa kanya, tinulungan din na'tin siya..."
"But he didn't take the help because now he has a teeny-tiny crush for her." Tumango ako sa sinabi niya na may kasamang ngiti sa labi ko.
"And then Jaxon and his feelings for that girl Chandria? Kailan ba na'tin 'di sinamahan si Jaxon kapag naiinis siya sa tuwing nakikita niya yung babaeng yo'n na may kasamang iba? Million times already, million!"
Umiling si Silas and crossed both of his arms against his chest as he leans his back against my classroom's window.
"That dummy. Ang kailangan lang naman niyang sabihin ay 'gusto kita', yun lang! Tapos na agad yung usapan! Ang gwapo at magaling sa babae pero duwag pag dating kay Chandria, hahahaha... that dummy, really." he laughed.
"And then Ryland? Tinulungan na'tin siya pangliligaw niya doon sa babae na kasing-edad niya kahit na ayaw na'tin sa babaeng yo'n."
"Ugh, the girl I kissed?" pinalo ko siya agad.
"Baliw. Gusto mo ulet magalit sa'yo si Ryland?"
We've been friends for years since the first time we all met each other that day at that party.
Close ako sa kanilang apat pero nakakasama ko lang sila kapag absent si Genevieve.
At the end of the day, si Genevieve pa rin ang natatanging taong importante sa buhay ko.
I started with her and I'm ending with her.
That's how it's supposed to be like.
But of course, I met new people and became friends with them.
They are now my best friends too.
Masaya ako na nakilala ko sila, kaya 'di ko kaya na makita si Alexander na malungkot o blanko.
Maybe it's me. Siguro ako yung ayaw makita yung itsura niyang ganun pero bago ako nagkagusto kay Alexander, naging kaibigan ko muna siya. I am his friend and I am still his friend.
"I tried to look for him inside that classroom at wala rin siya. Ang bilis naman maglakad nung Cardozang yun."
"So, wala ka talagang alam?" huli 'kong tanong.
Huminga siya nang malalim at tsaka niya 'ko in-obserbahan mula sa paa ko pabalik sa mukha ko.
Lumapit siya at bumulong sa tenga ko habang nasa akin pa rin ang pocus ng mga mata niya. If anyone sees us like this they will really think that we're either dating or there's something between us.
"It might be a family problem." he whispered.
"Family... problem?"
"Yes, the Cardoza family problem. It's pretty normal to other families too but you know, from my perspective, I think na hindi talaga 'to problema ng pamilya and more like Alexander's problem with his family."
"Then bakit niyo tinatawag na Cardoza family problem?"
"It's his excuse."
So talagang may problema siya at tungkol pa sa pamilya niya?
We shouldn't probably talked to him about it then, siguro hindi siya okay na ilabas yung problema niya sa'min o sa kung kanino man. It's better that way, sometimes it's better to not open it up to anyone.
"I am worried about him. Alexander might look happy and excited every time but he's still a vulnerable person when things get shitty. He's going to explode, you know."
I'm not ready for that.
Tumatanda na kami, I'm sixteen at 'di pa rin ako handa sa mga bagay tulad nang magalit.
Paano nga ba magalit kapag nasa edad na 'ko? It's not like I can get mad like when I was in third grade, sigaw lang ako nang sigaw at iyak lang din ako nang iyak.
Pero sixteen na 'ko, 'di na 'ko gano'n magalit.
But Alexander, I've never seen him upset. Siguro noong iniiwasan ko siya pero iba na yun. If he's going to explode... what would happen? How would he react? How would he act when he's upset?
"Then look for him, hindi maganda kung ganun, Silas." nag-aalala kong sabi.
"I tried, Katerina. Hindi ko siya mahanap, but I'm guessing na nasa lugar siya kung saan siya lang mag-isa at madilim."
"Madi...lim?"
"Yeah. He likes dark places to think more, and it's also a good place for him to vent."
And then it made me think. Anong klaseng lugar ang madilim at siya lang mag-isa at walang makakaalam kung nasaan siya?
Oh. That place.
But no, imposible sa lahat lahat nang lugar na pupuntahan niya bakit naman doon?
Pero kung iisipin mo, yun lang ang lugar na talagang madilim at walang nakakaalam na mga estudyante sa school na 'to.
"How many minutes before class starts again?"
"Uh... ten minutes?"
"Good."
Mabilis akong lumayas sa classroom at 'di ko na sinagot yung tawag sa'kin ni Silas sa may bintana.
Alam ko na baka mali ako pero matagal na din ako dito sa NEO kaya alam ko na ang mga kwarto dito, at isang kwarto lang ang alam ko that hits all of Silas' description of places that Alexander would like to stay at if he wants to explode.
Bumaba ako sa may high school department at bumaba pa 'ko nang isa pang floor at nandito na 'ko.
The floor where the storage room is.
Ilang beses din ako umamin sa kanya sa floor na 'to, naiinis nanaman ako sa tuwing naaalala ko yun, pero wala eh gusto ko talaga siya at amin pa more, Rina.
The storage room is really dark and no students enter the storage room unless you're being asked to send a box inside that room.
Dahan-dahan ako nag-lakad papasok sa storage and I saw a silhoutte of someone's back, it made me gulp immediately.
Kinakabahan nanaman ako for no reason, but I knew I knew who this person is.
"Alex...ander?" I called his name.
At sa isang segundo lang pagkatapos 'kong tawagin ang pangalan niya at unti-unti siyang tumalikod para harapin ako.
Blanko pa rin ang ekspresyon nang mukha niya pero kahit madilim ang buong kwarto ay halata ang bakas ng tubig sa mga mata niya, and it immediately put me into a shock.
Hindi ko na kinailangan pang mag-isip o mag-tanong, agad akong pumasok nang walang ilaw sa loob at niyakap siya nang mahigpit.
Wala nang tanong, usapan, o salita.
"Rina?"
I didn't speak and I just hugged him even tighter.
"I..." I felt him shiver under my touch.
"I... I'm a mess... right now, I don't think you shoul--"
"I don't care." hinaplos ko ang likod niya nang marahan at pinikit ang mga mata ko.
"I don't care, Alexander." I added.
Minsan kapag may taong importante sa'yo, gagawin mo ang lahat para lang manatili ang ngiti nila sa labi nila.
Wala naman gustong makakita nang malungkot na ekspresyon mula sa kanila, 'di ba?
Pero paano kung yung taong importante sa'yo ay mas higit pa sa salitang 'importante'?
I knew it was normal to see someone feel sad or hurt, but it's totally different when you're seeing those kinds of emotions in front of the person you cherish the most.
But is it normal to feel something like this?
To feel such emotions? Emotions so intense that you want nothing but to bring back their smile again?
"Rina... I... am... not myself. I'm sorry."
I pulled out the hug and faced him as our eyes met. Kahit madilim ay kumikinang pa rin ang asul sa mga mata niya, but now they're filled with traces of tears around them and it fucking sucks.
"Why are you saying that? You don't have to say sorry..." I whispered, caressing his cheeks to wipe his tears.
"Di ko alam kung sino ako today, 'di ko nga rin alam kung anong meron sa'kin. Akala ko... akala ko... akala ko magiging okay ako kasi akala ko kaya ko but then why... why am I crying?" a small, painful, smile was then formed in his lips.
"It's okay... it's okay, Alexander... if you can't take it then it's okay. Not everyone has their good days, this is really normal..."
"No, no! No, it's not, Rina. Because if it's supposed to be normal then why is it so painful? Why am I crying? Why does it hurt so fucking... much?"
I've gotten to the point kung saan pumapatak na rin yung mga luha ko pero sinusubukan ko pa ring maging okay para kay Alexander dahil mas kailangan niya 'to ngayon.
Ang sakit lang talaga na nakikita ko siyang ganito sa harap ko, sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko at gusto ko na lang alisin yang mga luha niya.
"It is normal, Alexander. It is normal to be in pain, you don't have to be always happy, alright? Nasasaktan din ang mga tao dito sa mundo, naiintindihan mo ba 'ko?"
Tumango lang siya sa'kin na para bang bata na nakikinig sa sarili nilang magulang. Huminga ako nang malalim bago ko itinuloy ang sasabihin ko.
"What... happened?" I asked, biting my lower lip.
"It's too much. It's too fucking much, Katerina." lumabas nanaman yung mga luha niya.
"Sometimes I wonder if I can still live with those people, those people who did nothing but destroy each other but don't realize that they are also destroying us... one by one..." he cries as I pulled him into another hug.
I felt it, I felt his words.
Kilalang kilala ko yung mga taong gano'n, people who destroy each other but don't realize that they are destroying me too.
I know what it feels like.
Masasanay ka, at kapag sanay ka na, mas lalo lang masakit at doon mo mararamdaman na ikaw na pala yung nasisira.
"I'm here, Alexander... I'm here."
Okay na 'to sa'kin. Wala na 'kong pake kung hindi niya ilabas ang dahilan kung bakit siya nasasaktan at umiiyak, ang importante ay nailabas niya yung nararamdaman niya.
It's my first time seeing him cry like this and it's hurting me too.
"Rina... Rina... shit..." he cried while whispering my name.
It does hurt being in love with him, but it hurts so much more when I'm seeing him like this.
Ayoko nang makita siyang ganito, pero wala akong magagawa kung ganito ang nararamdaman niya.
Pero ang maari ko lang gawin ay tulungan siya bilang kaibigan niya.
God, Alexander.
You are something else.
You are precious, you are fucking beautiful and fucking perfect. You don't deserve this, you don't.
Wait... did I just admit to myself that I'm in love with him?
Oh, shit.