The confusion in my head and body is almost at the same level, almost. My body seems less confused than my head. I don't know what I think anymore, I don't know what I want anymore and I certainly don't know what I feel anymore. I feel happy, sad, angry and scared all at the same time.
Novak's words go against everything Christiaan has ever told me. What I just felt beats against everything Christiaan has ever made me feel. I look at Novak not knowing what to say. Something inside me is crying out to be touched again like he just was. Somehow I wanted to touch him. Emotions are released in me that I have never felt or wanted to feel before.
'Are you alright? Was it too much?' he asks when I still haven't said anything after a while. I seem to wake up from my trans. My eyes peg themselves into his.
'Yes, I'm fine,' I reply. A small smile appears on Novak's lips. He gently takes hold of my hands. His long fingers gently hold mine, his thumb sliding across the back of my hand.
'Are you coming to bed with me?' he asks softly. I look at him startled at his suggestion. I pull my hands from his. Does he mean it? Does he mean sex? For a moment he doesn't understand my reaction until it seems to land. He immediately shakes his head.
'No, not in that way. I just mean sleeping,' he says in a quick tone but with a smile. My muscles relax almost immediately after his words. I didn't even realise that my muscles were rigid and that I was holding my breath. It seems to be an automatic reaction as soon as someone talks about sex or touches me.
'Yes,' I reply and he starts to grin. I stand in front of him and turn myself around so that my back is to him. I pull my hair out of my neck. Novak stands behind me without moving.
'Are you going to open my dress or do I have to sleep in my dress?' The words leave my mouth without a second thought. It sounds strange to hear myself say that, but at the same time it feels like I am finally expressing myself without shame. I feel and see myself changing while I am with Novak, in a good way. I'm slowly letting go of the rules I've been taught, expressing myself more and daring to step out of my comfort zone a little.
Novak's fingers glide briefly over my neck before I feel him remove the strings from the rings. He says nothing, only his fingers move. As I feel the strings slip out of the rings and the dress begins to feel looser around my upper body I realise that Novak has never seen me without a dress before. The nerves shoot into my body again, but this time I shove them away. I trust Novak and always have my underwear on.
Novak keeps going until the strings have been threaded through all the rings. The top of the dress slowly slides off my shoulder. My bra appears from under the black fabric. I let the fabric, with a little bit of nerves, slide down my arms. The dress falls to the floor around me. Only in my bra and pants do I step out of the fabric with my back to Novak. He says nothing, I say nothing. There is a tension in the air, a good one.
I slowly turn my head towards Novak. The further I turn, the more those blue eyes take hold of me. I am caught in his gaze as I turn myself completely towards him. His eyes glide over my body. I should feel nervous but I don't. His gaze is soft and I grin. His gaze is soft and a grin has taken over his lips. The feeling I have with him makes me feel safe.
Novak takes a step in my direction until we are only 30 centimetres apart. His blue eyes have me in their grip. There is a tension between us that I can no longer deny. I can only think of his blue eyes, the rest seems to have disappeared from my mind.
Novak slowly raises his hand to my face. I let him. All I do is look into the two blue eyes. His fingers gently touch the skin of my cheek. A tingle goes down my spine at that small touch. His fingers slide further down my jaw, over my cheekbones to the back of my neck. I stand still, looking only at those blue eyes. His hand holds itself still as it is folded around my jaw and neck.
His eyes seem to search for an approval for his touch. I give him a smile as a sign that I approve. His fingers put pressure on my skin, pulling me closer to him. I swallow as I take a small step closer to him. Our almost naked upper bodies almost touch. He puts his other hand on my side where his hand has been before. His eyes shoot from my eyes to my lips and back to mine. The tension between us is palpable.
I am not innocent enough to know that he wants to kiss me and, frankly, I want to. He slowly brings his head closer to mine. I want to close my eyes, but I am held by his gaze. I swallow as his lips come closer to mine. His eyes seem to be searching all the time for a reaction, for approval.
His head is so close that I feel his lips against mine. I had expected to freeze again, but my body is completely in his grip. His eyes shoot past mine once more. They look at me questioningly, something no one has ever done before.
I want this. I want to know what it is like to kiss someone I feel good with, someone I want to kiss too. As a sign of approval, I bow to him. He takes that as his sign. He gently pulls me to him and presses his lips to mine.