#nowplaying
= No longer mine - Roy Kim =
💎💎💎
"I didn't like you for being a coward, you know?" My voice was soft and fragile towards the end. My genuine thoughts turned into a subtle confession somehow. I hope Myungho didn't notice it.
His lips parted but no words came out. I searched his eyes desperately for an answer and waited.
"I-I don't know," he stuttered to begin. "I'm struggling to make ends meet because our damn father gave up on us. I can't afford to think about anything else. I've already got Myunghee and she needs me too..."
"I'll help you," I said.
"No, you can't."
"I can, just let me-"
"-I said no." Myungho firmly insisted, without even hearing me out.
"Why not? I can take care of Myunghee while you study. If it's about the money, I can ask my dad for help and you can always pay us back-"
"I didn't get close to you for the money or for you to babysit my sister. Just leave me alone, will you?" Myungho let out a big sigh and messed up his hair. He was edgy at this point. "Just walk away from this like you've always done to others your whole life. Aren't you the best at that?"
That was a straight punch to my heart. I clenched my fists tightly, trying my best to look unhurt, but he really did me the worst.
We were still in Don Don Donburi and there was nowhere for me to run. With all my built-up emotions, tonight will be the first time I let it all out.
I leaned back in my chair, looking down on my food. "You're the one who asked me to tutor you. You asked for my help first, even when I said no. You're the one who came into my life, but now you've seen me for who I am, you don't like it?"
It's not as if I chose to live this way. I can't help obsessing over my anxiety. I can't help the wild thoughts that run through my head every time people approach me. For years I've coped by biting nails, digging into my skin, pulling hoodies over my head, and hiding in corners just to escape attention and people's judgments. For once I thought Myungho could understand that part of me.
"That's not what I mean," Myungho sighed again. He looked tired of our conversation, and I think I got the hint.
"Have I been too clingy? You just want me to walk away so you won't feel bad about yourself. Is that it?" I breathed in disbelief and resisted the tears from falling. I didn't want to look pathetic in front of him anymore.
"No, I'm sorry. That's not what I mean." He leaned forward, reaching for my arm but I kept my hands away.
"Don't worry, I'll do exactly that," I faked a smile while avoiding his eyes. "It's what I do best after all." Ending off with that, I rose up from my seat and walked out of Don Don Donburi.
"Yujin ah!" Myungho reached for my hand but I shook him off. I was disappointed and honestly ashamed of myself. For the person I am, and for the person he thinks I am. He didn't trust me to stay by his side to help him. I'm more like a burden to him.
Three steps out of Don Don Donburi, Myungho wrapped his arms around me from behind. I stopped, sucking in my breath and stayed really still.
His cheeks brushed against mine as he pressed his warm body against my back and I hate to say that I loved it...
"I don't mean that," he sighed, our faces side by side as he kept me in a back hug. "I'm sorry man."
I really wanted to turn around to hug him back, but that would hurt my ego.
"Sorry for what?" I frowned, still containing the frustration within me. He wanted me to walk away but here he is, holding me back? "What exactly do you want?" I croaked impatiently.
"I'm confused," he said. Well, so am I. "I'm going through a lot right now."
"I know," I sighed too. Is that not obvious enough?
"You don't have to be a part of this," Myungho explained. Again and again, he's saying the same thing and it makes me more impatient. The whole time I've been trying to tell him that he didn't have to do this alone, but he's not getting it.
"So? Do you want me to leave or stay?" I asked, looking right into his eyes but he avoided mine and stayed silent.
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked again, actually afraid that that would be his answer. My eyes started to water. "Or stay?"
I waited for him to look back at me. I begged with my eyes for him to please take a good look at me... but he couldn't meet mine.
That was almost the breaking point, though we were nothing to begin with.
...
I crashed in bed first thing when I reached home and hid my face deep into my pillow.
Of all the things I've said today... Oh my gosh, Choi Yujin. Never knew I could be so bold.
I lifted my head and stared blankly ahead as I replayed today's events in my mind. "So, did I get rejected?" I said bitterly to myself.
After one intense conversation, all Myungho could answer was sorry.
"I don't need your stupid apology," I muttered frustratedly, punching into my pillow. I expected more than an apology back then but we were interrupted by his phone call, and there was no way I could stop him from leaving because Myunghee was the one calling him.
He took off right after the call and now he got me wondering if everything is okay back at home. Or should I say Seokmin's home?
Oh god, what exactly should I be worried about?
"UGHH!" I groaned and plunged face down into my pillow again, wishing I could sleep forever and never return to school.
...
Well, here I am again seated in class the next morning. Nothing new, just a different day and I found myself waiting for Myungho to come again. I looked at the door with anticipation as my classmates stroll in one at a time, but I was disappointed every single time.
"He's not coming today," Seokmin said when he caught me looking out.
He seems to know everything and I hate it.
"Did something happen at home again?" I mustered courage to ask.
"Not much, he's just being a stubborn big brother. He refused to borrow money from us so he's out earning Myunghee's school fees himself. At this rate, he ain't gonna graduate from high school."
I listened to Seokmin complain endlessly and learned a lot about Myungho in one day. His interests, hobbies, his future all given up because of the situation he's trapped in. With a younger sister to raise and no source of income from his father, Myungho only has a rock brain and his limbs to work in order to pay off his family debts and save up for Myunghee's tuition.
My heart goes out to him, but there's nothing more I can do when he's not letting me. I also spent a lot of time reflecting on the things I said and felt guilty of it. My words were harsh and I forced him to make a decision with me when I should've given him more time. I should've known better that he didn't mean harm to me...
At my desk during recess, I took out my notebook and started penning down what I wanted to say to him. If I couldn't catch him at the right time, the least I could do was be honest with how I feel every time I missed him.
Day 1 - Myungho. I'm still waiting for you to talk to me about it. Even if you don't, can you please come to school? Or call me? We're reading a new book in Literature class today and I think you'll like it...
Day 2 - You're not in school again. At least tell me something, will you? I'm still waiting for you to call me. We're supposed to have tuition today. Did you forget or did you really give up on school?
Day 5 - Seokmin said you look exhausted from work. Do you not know how to take care of yourself? Are you dumb or dumb? Why can't you just ask for help?
Day 7 - Will you pick up if I called?
Day 10 - You fool. What happened to our tuition? If you keep missing out, I won't teach you anymore.
I sat alone in the classroom when it was recess, feeling empty once again. It's Day 14 today and I picked up my pen to start writing another note.
Day 14 - It's been two weeks.
There and then, I paused and cut off my train of thoughts. I knew I had so many things to tell him but none of it I wanted to write on paper. I looked at the note with tears warming up my eyes. Is that all I should say?
Feeling suffocated, I pulled out my phone and called him without hesitation. All I wanted was to hear his voice. I needed to hear it so I could be brave. I needed to hear it so I could tell him something... but my confidence dropped to zero when the call ended with the automated operator speaking.
There is nothing more I could say, so I wrote one last word and folded the note in half. With it, I went to his locker and slipped the note through the crack once again. Since the very first day, I delivered my notes to his locker hoping he would come back to school and read them once and for all. If he had done so, he would've known how I truly felt for him...
This will be the last time, I told myself as I stood in front of his locker.
"Yujin ah," Seokmin approached when he spotted me in the hallway. "Another note for Myungho?"
I nodded with a faint smile. "You promised not to tell him anything until he comes back to school."
"Yeah, don't worry. I'm a man of my word," he assured me. "I just don't understand. If you're looking for him, why won't you call him? You have his number."
I forced another smile. "There's no hurry," I lied, recalling the numerous times I was on the verge of dialing his number but didn't.
I really wanted to call him, but I was afraid of the rejection, like what if he didn't pick up? What if he refused to accept my help? What if he thought I was nosy? What if he's too busy or tired to entertain me?
All those thoughts hindered me, but one main reason I kept my distance was because if Myungho wanted to speak to me, he would've done so by now.
...
[Two days later]
I opened Myungho's contact, thumb hovering over the dial button, and contemplated once more. I knew that this was my only chance before I'd regret it, but still, I was afraid.
"Yujin ah, let's go." Mum walked up to me and helped me with my luggage. Here I was, at the airport with my mum and dad. I have all my valuables with me, and the rest of my stuff will be parceled over and out of this country. My family is leaving Seoul for good, and I don't know when I would be back. Maybe two years, four years... or maybe never.
For years my family have been talking about migration and I didn't expect it to really happen, but when their decision was set two weeks ago, I had no reason to reject the idea because nothing tied me down here.
I chuckled at my lonely self because one knew that I had withdrawn from school to live and study abroad. Myungho would've known if he had bothered contacting me once but he didn't. The only one who knew was Daphne because I had to quit my precious part-time job, and she was genuinely sad to see me go.
~
"I'll miss you," Daphne sulked during our last encounter. "Please come visit when you're back."
Thanks to her outgoing nature, I grew a lot more comfortable around her at work and we were almost like friends.
"I'm sorry this is so sudden. Now you have to find someone else. Maybe you shouldn't have hired me back then..."
"Don't be silly, even if I knew you'd leave soon, I'd still hire you."
"Why?" I wondered hard. "I wouldn't even hire me."
"Because you remind me of my little sister," she wore a sad smile and reached out to tuck my hair behind my ear. "She was just like you... timid, anxious, and afraid of how people thought about her. When she couldn't take it anymore, she decided to end her misery."
My heart fell to the ground. "Y-You mean she..."
"Yep, she committed suicide. And a horrible sister like me never realised that she was suffering so badly. I knew she had some sort of anxiety but I didn't think it was so extreme. If only I tried to care more, she wouldn't resort to that, right?"
I couldn't meet Daphne's eyes upon hearing it. If I reminded her of her little sister, it means that I remind her of her pain every time too. "I'm sorry," was all I could say.
"Don't be, you're just trying to find a place in this world." She smiled back. "Look, Yujin... I don't know everything you're going through, but if you want to say something, say it. If you can't cope with something, don't cope with it by yourself. Get help somewhere or talk to me. I'll be the big sister you need, just a call away. Can you do that?"
I nodded to her with teary eyes.
~
"Yujin?" Mum called out when she saw me lost in thought. I had been staring blankly at my phone. "Ready to go?" She asked.
"Not yet," I answered, biting my lip as I made a brave decision. No more hesitating, I told myself. It's now or never.
So I hit the button to call Myungho and nervously pressed the phone against my ear. I could hear my heart pounding louder as the line went through because anytime from now, I could hear Myungho's voice again.
And I really wanted to hear his voice again.
The heart stringing moment lasted several seconds and I was about to give up when-
"Hello?"
My heart dropped at the sweet sound of a girl, who was not Myunghee. I was utterly dumbfounded.
"M-Myungho?" All I could blurt out was his name, but what I wanted to ask was 'who are you?'.
"I'm not Myungho," she chuckled the obvious. "He's still asleep, is it anything important?"
I really wanted to cry.
"No," I choked softly.
"I'll get him to call you back later, yeah?"
The call ended shortly after, and I lost all hope within me. I really wanted was to hear his voice, but it ended up being someone else's. Some girl whom I didn't know of.
If only he picked up, if only I told him about my migration, if only he asked me to stay, it could all be different...
"Ready now?" Mum returned soon after I was done calling.
"Yep!" I smiled brightly at her though I was shattering within. I kept my emotions hidden the whole time and only smiled at mum and dad to show my excitement.
As I switch off my cellphone, I made up my mind. Since I'm leaving this country, I think it's time to leave my youth behind. I'll forget everything that happened here and move on with a new home, new school, and perhaps new friends.
I'll forget my first love and not regret it since I've done my part. This is really it, I thought to myself as we walked through the little tunnel leading us onboard the plane.
In the fourteenth note I delivered to his locker, the last word I wrote to him was goodbye.
💎💎💎