Chapter Twenty Three: Oh, When You Look At Me Like That, My Darling, What Did You Expect?
Aaron POV
I admire her hair sometimes. Specifically when she is sitting near me, feeding my son a spoonful of her pasta even though she knew he wouldn't like it. I admire the way her fair falls onto her shoulder, soft and effortless. It reminds me of the times I've ran my hands through it without a knot in question.
Perhaps my obsession isn't healthy. I still don't know what to call the feelings I have for her. Some may say love, however I don't think the word is strong enough. So, I've begun to think of her as an obsession— to keep her safe, happy, glowing. My main priority is to put a smile on her face.
When I see that smile flatter I can't help but feel I have done something wrong. Though I know it's not always true, I took her under my roof, her happiness is my responsibility. Which is why I agreed to not keep anything drastic away from her, like Axel.
Now I consider if I have something wrong with me. We found Axel, hiding in Oregon. Morgan, Rossi, and Emily left after we went to dinner. I haven't told her mainly because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that she'll leave me. It's selfish, I know. One of the worst things I could possibly do to the woman I'm obsessed with. There was something she wasn't telling me and I have a feeling I know what it is. She's ready to move on from what I can see— I'm not.
I'm not ready to not wake up to her snuggled next to me. I'm not ready to not listen to her soft breathing as she falls asleep. I'm not ready, to go back to cooking eggs everyday for breakfast, which, apparently, aren't any good.
So, as her and Jack laugh about what his teacher said at school, I study the way her mouth moves, the mouth I've kissed. I study the way her eyes flutter, the eyes I've been lured into. I study, the way she laughs, the laugh I heard at the ice cream parlor— the laugh I haven't heard in so long.
"Dad, what do you think?" Jack pulls me out of my thoughts. I look up from my food, the loves of my life looking back at me.
"I'm sorry buddy I didn't hear you..." I say.
I can't focus. Jack rolls his eyes, "Y/N ask him again!"
Y/N laughs, again, and I sigh in contentment.
"Aaron, Jack asked if you'd rather eat three snakes or one whale," she explains.
That's something Jack would ask. I always admired his imagination. It reminds me of Y/N.
"I suppose three snakes, it would be less filling and quicker," I answer curtly.
Sometimes I wonder is I should let my stoic exterior fade away. I try, at least when I'm with Jack. He doesn't deserve a father who wasn't there emotionally because without that support, he has nothing.
Y/N shakes her head, picking up some more pasta on her fork, "I knew you would say that. Always time efficient even when you're asked if you'd like a snake or a whale."
Amusement coats her voice and a savor it. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear it again anytime soon. "I'd assume eating a whole whale would kill you, three snakes is doable on a realistic stand point."
"That's not what you're supposed to say, dad!" Jack whines. I laugh.
"Jack you wanted my answer," I say, "It was a would you rather and that's what I'd rather do. Do you think a whale would be better?"
Jack nods his head, "Yes! Because than you can have your own whales."
Me and Y/N share a look of confusion, a silent conversation passed between us like we were both on the same boat.
• • •
Jack went back to Jessica's again. I wonder what he likes about it there, not that I mind, I want him to be the most comfortable wherever he is. I keep my head held high as I drive on the dark roads that are nearly empty.
Y/N is leaning against the window, a permanent smile pulling her lips as she hums to the music. When I glance over again, her eyes are shut. She isn't sleeping.
As I pass the road to turn into my neighborhood, I feel the nerves knotting in my stomach thinking about Morgan and the others. I'm not usually this nervous, I hold my own and for the team— I don't show fear. Everything I do it calculated. My decision to tell Y/N after Axel is in custody didn't have to do with our relationship. It had to do with the way she'd worry at night knowing the team is gone and she can't afford to lose any sleep.
"Aaron, you missed the turn," she says suddenly. I can't recall when she opened her eyes or how long I was in my thoughts.
"I know sweetheart, I want to take you somewhere first before we go home,"
I note the sharp intake of breath at the word home. Perhaps it wasn't the right word, but to me, whenever she is, is home. She begins to braid a piece of her hair behind her ear.
"Can I ask you something? And I want you to answer seriously, okay? None of that deflection crap you pull."
I nod. I pull off into the parking lot of the shop. No one is here, it's deserted and quiet. I put the car in park, letting my head rest against the seat.
Y/N pulls her knees to her chest before she speaks. "I'm not overstaying my welcome, am I? I know that when you first agreed to let me stay with you that I said I just needed the money wired to me but...we know how that went."
For a moment I don't reply. I soak in her words because I loath to remember that day. The bloodstained shirt, the marble floors slick with tears and glass scattered all around. Celia was there, pushing me inside— insisting I help, that this time it had gone too far.
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I'm never speechless. In my head I always have something to say. Her eyes pierce into my skin, a look of worry surrounding them as though she has suspicions that I don't want her around anymore. That's I'd throw her away like Axel did and pray someone scoops her up.
Instead, I reach over with my hand brushing a lock of her hair behind her ear, "Y/F/N," I whisper painfully.
There isn't a single movement from her. She sits like she's frozen in time. "Aaron, say something."
I close my eyes, wrapping that piece of hair around my finger. In my lap, my fingers rub together put of nervousness. She makes me feel something that I can't explain. It's so intense I can feel it in my chest when I look at her, almost like an ache.
"No, no you're not. Of course you're not," I whisper in the silence. "You're not."
I repeat that again to myself. Those two words convey what I can't to her, what I wish I could stomach on my own: Y/N Marie I'm helplessly in-love with you and I told myself it was an obsession, and God please, never leave me.
A soft laugh leaves her lips almost like a breath, "I thought you hated me," she says, "Not literally but I just didn't want to stay longer than you wanted me to-"
"Y/N," I say her name firmly that her mouth falls shut. "Please, stop talking just for a moment."
I said that nicely. As nicely as I could for telling her to stop talking. When she bites the inside of her lip looking embarrassed. Just for a second I close my eyes and breath in the air.
I'm angry.
I'm angry that she believes I don't like her enough, don't find her worthy enough to be in my presence. To the common it may seem absurd for me to be angry over such a little thing.
But Y/N deserves to be loved. She deserves to feel like there is a place where she can call home and a person she can talk to for hours. A person who makes her smile and makes her feel safe. I'm angry I couldn't show that enough.
"I don't want you to leave Y/N," I finally say. "Ever. I don't want to let you go, and I'm sorry if that makes me selfish but you've shown me something I've been looking for."
When I reopen my eyes, she's staring at me with her head tilted and confused expression. She looks nearly pained to hear those words.
"I don't think I want to go, but I feel I have to."
"No," I insist, "Stay with me."
"But Aaron-"
"Y/N everyday I'm worried about you. I never want you to leave my side and I miss you even when your curled in my arms."
"You can't just say that," she protests.
"I will because you need to hear that someone cares for you, Im here for you Y/N and I know you feel this too,"
Slight buzzing comes from outside because of curling crickets. She looks afraid to speak so I continue.
"When you came to my house and I watched you heal, I watched you laugh, I watched you cry, and even when I wanted you break into a million pieces, I couldn't imagine what it was like before you. And I knew that I was there, that you weren't alone again."
She gulps and when she speaks her voice is horse, "I didn't know you thought about me that way."
"I do, I really do," I breath, "And I know you may be thinking that the only way to move on is to change, but Y/N, it doesn't have to work like that. You can stay, we can build a routine, and things will go back to normal as they were."
"What about the team, Jack, my job? You know the bureau would never allow it, let alone considering their own scandals. An employee and supervisor?"
"I'm not worried about them right now," I persist, "I'm worried about you making the wrong decision. I'm not making you stay, I'm simply asking that you consider how much I truly lo- care for you."
Y/N POV
You're so speech that it feels like cotton was shoved down your throat, soaking up your will to talk. Your heartbeat was in your ears causing them to ring chronically. Whatever you were feeling was so foreign it felt like an illness. You hated yourself for having doubts about him. Aaron showed you what love was like. How love can hurt but the pure bliss always outweighed that.
Your hands were slick and rubbing against each other. Suddenly you regretted wearing the black
outfit because it was sucking up all the heat circulating in the car. You didn't want to analyze his slip up of words, but you couldn't help it. Aaron nearly said he loves you. It stole your breath away.
You lick your lips, "I want to stay with you," you breath, "I really do, I just don't think we can do it with them."
Cold hands grip your cheeks, cooling down your overheated skin, "Let's worry about them later, okay?"
You wanted to tell him how much you love him. You felt like if you kept it in for any longer you'd burst. You never thought you'd find yourself falling for the man who saved you, let alone your superior but it didn't matter in that moment. It was all in the back of your head as your lips graze his.
"I have to tell you something," you mutter. You let your breath trail along his lips, looking to meet his eyes.
"Anything," Aaron pried quietly.
"I love you."
"Fuck," he mumbled.
Before you could say something else, his lips were pressed against yours. They were slick and moved effortlessly with yours. Heat rose even higher on your skin and you melted in your own thoughts. Your body was pressed against the center console, the side dug into your skin.
Your hands gripped the sides of his face as you inhaled each breath that parted his lips. It wasn't as fast and reckless like your kisses usually were. This was softer like he was trying to convey everything he didn't know how to say.
Aarons hand traveled in your hair, pushing you closer to his lips. "Tell me again," he demands.
"What?" you smirk against his lips. Frustration and dominance radiated off of him.
He moved his hands from your hair to your waist and grips them, pulling you over to his lap. You straddle him, moving your lips to his neck. Kissing and sucking on the sensitive spots, you allowed his hands to move your hips. It doesn't take much longer before his grip tightens on you and heat coiled in your stomach from the friction.
"Don't play dumb, tell me again." Aaron groans as you suck behind his ear.
You laugh quietly, hovering your lips over his ear, "I love you, Aaron Hotchner." You whisper.
"God, I love you too," he grumbled, "So much."
"Good," you sigh. Relief washes over you knowing that he feels the same way.
It felt like your heart was growing bigger in your chest. You couldn't begin to explain how it felt to know someone loves you, really loves you. Not a relative who is practically required to, but a person who sees you as you and didn't run.
"I was beginning to think you were tired of me sweetheart," he admits. His hands are toying with the waist band of your romper.
With a gulp— you reply, "Never."
Aaron was so passionate during sex it nearly scared you. He wanted to make you feel good like it was his lifelong mission. So that's when his hands drifted down your pants, you gripped his wrist. "I want to do something first," you say.
He mutters something under his breath as you slip off his lap on the floor. There wasn't much room between the steering wheel and him but with his long legs, the chair was pushed back fairly far. "What are you doing Y/N?"
"Can I make you feel good?" you ask quietly. One hand was hovering over his belt buckle. You don't have much experience with this but you wanted to reciprocate what he's done for you.
"Yes," he says, "Yes."
You smirk, undoing his belt with shaking hands. First time giving a guy head and you never thought you'd be this excited. Truthfully, the thought of it always grossed you out until now.
"I've never done this before," you say confidently, "Sorry if it's not the best."
"I'm not worried," he groans.
As you unbutton his slacks, palming him through the fabric as you did so. His hands gripped the sides of his thighs in anticipation. It felt like you were moving in slow motion, admiring him from below. Being at his mercy was something you'd already grown used to.
Once you get them unbuttoned, you run your hands up his thighs slowly until you meet his boxers. Pulling them down enough to free him, you have a sharp intake of breath. How was that supposed to fit in your mouth?
Not thinking about it anymore, you leaned over and ran your tongue along his dick. You look up at him through your eyelashes but he's already looking down.
"You're doing so well already, sweetheart," he grits through a clenched jaw.
The little words of encouragement allowed you to gain more confidence. You spit into your hand, moving to pump up and down as your thumb swirls the pre-cum on his tip. His breaths are already shot with desire.
"I've wanted to do this for a long time," you whisper before leaning over.
You take his tip into your mouth, sucking lightly. Immediately, Aarons hands find a way into your hair, gripping the back of it.
"Tap my thigh if you need air," Aaron sighs, pushing your head down on him.
You suck in through your nose, making sure to create a vacuum seal with your lips, while covering your teeth. You close your eyes with each inch he goes down further.
Nearly at the base, a small gag erupts from you when he hits the back of your throat. Tears accumulate on your waterline, smudged mascara running down your cheeks.
His hand caresses your cheek, his thumb running back and forth, "Relax your throat," he orders softly, and when you do, you take him all. "Just like that— good girl."
Your nails dig into his thighs. "Open your eyes love, I want to see you."
You obliged and open them. Aarons face is contorted with pleasure but adoration is underlying while he looks at you. He whispers praises in-between curses.
The grip on the back of your hair tightens as he begins to move your head faster. You're nearly choking now but you enjoy every second of it. Every groan, moan, whimper that leaves his mouth is because of you.
"Shit," he curses, clenching his jaw. Your not sure what else to do but let him use you.
You love being at his advantage. It doesn't scare you, if anything, he makes you feel the most safe. You know you can submit and still enjoy it. Just the way he makes you feel without touching you is enough to know.
You relaxed fully, pushing your legs together to create friction for yourself. Spit was threatening to come out of the corners of your lips but you refused to let it. You had to keep steady with every single muscle in your body. It was hard considering the rapid thrusts into your mouth were never ending and ruthless.
When your nose touched his skin, you moaned, sending vibrations like shockwaves through his body. "I'm going to come," he warns.
You simply look up at him, fluttering your eyes and sucking even harder. You wanted him to finish in your mouth. You breathe through your nose and bring your head up to his tip as he comes.
A foreign liquid shoots down your throat that tastes like salt. No matter what anyone says, it wasn't all that enjoyable, but you swallowed anyways— you wanted to make him happy. Afterwards, you pull him out of your mouth, each breath was in sync with his.
"What's my rating?" you tease, still panting.
"You're insufferable."
"I suppose it was good enough than?"
Hotch tucks himself back into his pants and reaches over to the glove compartment. He pulls out a tissue and wipes around your mouth. "Amazing, astonishing, brilliant-"
"Okay I get it," you laugh and hold a hand up. "We should probably get out of here soon, or was there something else you wanted to do?"
Hotch bites down a smile, "I was going to show you the ice cream shop I parked in front of but I believe it's closed now."
"That's a shame," you say, "What flavor did you plan on getting this time?"
For the first time in a while, a genuine smile overtakes him, one that he can't hold back anymore, "The one with all the colors of the rainbow."
You laugh and shake your head.
"You're full of shit, do you know that Hotchner?"
"I do now," he smirks. "Let's go home."
You nod and he helps you off the floor and into your seat again. You buckle your seat belt and listen to the outside as you drive all the way home.
• • •
That night after Hotch feel asleep in bed, you snuck into the guest room and turned the lamp on. In the bedside table, your journal sat patiently along with the envelope of pictures. You hadn't written in a while mainly because you didn't know what to say. Now, you were more confident than ever that this would be ending soon and the entries would be a faded memory.
Opening up the crinkled pages, you clicked your pen and began writing.
Entry three
11/30/17 10:31 PM
I haven't written in a while and during that time, more has happened than someone could say happens in a life time. Three months to be exact that I've been gone. The team is still chasing down Axel and I don't think I have the capability to hear about it. I know me and Hotch fought over keeping secrets but this one is for best, and that is coming from me. I found out that Hotch opened the envelope before I got a chance to and was protecting me. Once I found out that Lesly Jacobs and my father were best friends who ultimately killed my mother and sister, I couldn't comprehend what was happening.
For days, I really just want to have a break. I didn't want to die, I just want the world to go quiet for a while. But Hotch dragged me out of bed and insisted we make snow angels. Okay, I'm getting off topic. So yeah, Lesly killed my family and when me and Axel met, he knew who I was and wanted to repay his debt by leaving me money while Axel barely got any. My father will always drown in guilt and drink his life away. I don't know if I should pity him or not. Hotch said that Axel was leaving breadcrumbs and it shouldn't take long to get him.
Tate is still in foster care, Celia is somewhere away from here and I'm losing my mind. No updates on Harmony, though I wish I had some. Her family is powerful and she had a life ahead of her, I can't imagine how manipulated she feels- actually I can. But Im not sure if I can understand to her extent.
Flinging your hand in the air to get rid of its cramp, you close the note book and switch it out for the envelope. Taking out the pictures, you switch them until you find the one taken on the night of the fire. It was slightly blurry but it was also easier to see when your eyes aren't full of tears.
You run your finger over the face of Lesly, the man you always referred to as uncle and never saw as a child. It wasn't painful. At least that is what you wanted to believe. Perhaps you were really just numb to the betrayal.
With that, you rip the paper in your hands. You watch the their faces separate from each other and they can no longer be in contact with that day. Maybe you thought that if you ripped it apart, your family would come back together and it wouldn't be the miserable childhood you had to suffer through after they left.
Soon the picture was simply shreds of nothingness piled on the floor. You clench your jaw, scooping it up with you and and throwing it into the drawer along with your journal.
You snuck back into Hotch's room under the covers and breathed in his scent.
-