I could feel my phone buzzing again in my pocket and this time I dared to slide it out. Since we weren't in class anymore, there was no problem checking it no w and once unlocking the screen I found out it was Connor once more. Like I'd first thought.
I didn't open it, feeling my stomach clenching and slid the item back in my pocket.
Hold your ground.
Macy perked one brow, resting her back against the locker beside mine. I felt bad for not remembering what were we talking about before the interruption, but lately it felt like Connor deactivates my brain function.
"Was it Connor again?" she wondered and I blushed, pulling away the books, my bag and then closed the locker softly.
"Uh, yeah."
She scoffed a laugh as we walked down the hallway. "What? Are you giving him the silent treatment?"
"No." My face was still burning and I felt the buzzing of a new text in my pocket. "I just want to see if he works for me."
"As in?"
"As in: would he react if I'm not the one making us work?"
"What for?" she frowned dropping her own stuff in her locker and like that we were off towards the cafeteria. "I thought you guys were good."
"It's not like we aren't." I fiddled with the hems of my shirt. "I just want to know where we stand."
"Is this still because what happened at the expo?"
Yes, but I shrugged, not really convinced about not sounding childish or whiny. Back in the exposition he claimed he was my boyfriend to Brett and Dylan, but then couldn't muster the guts to ask me out. And he didn't for the whole day.
At the moment I didn't really mind it because I was overwhelmed by the results of the scouts. It went so great I couldn't even believe it. They got a few questions about the motives, inspiration and creation, they asked about my grades and family too, and by the end Mr Medina went off expressionless but the other smiled warmly and say they'd keep in touch.
That was good, right? Everyone believed so, so I decided I'd let my nerves consume me later. Ever since then I'd felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
But Connor? The insecurities began to rise that night. I stayed at the Mendleys place and he fell asleep half way through the movie. It was in that moment, with his head on my lap, his hair through my fingers, and a meaningless movie on that I realized: I got no clue what to expect from this. And that was scary as hell because I was already waist deep in this whatever. But he wouldn't even consider us a thing.
I was falling harder than him. I always had but now, with the end of high school so close and other things finally rolling well in my life, I took the time to consider what I wanted from this. Not like, big plans for the future, but a tag? Was it really that much to ask for?
I barely close my eyes that night, tossing and turning for hours. At some point past midnight he tucked me in his arms, cocooning me in the sweet embrace he would never allow when awake. Which surprised me, I always assumed I was the one that cuddled with him after I was knocked out unconscious, but apparently he seeks it just as much.
Which confused me further. I knew he went through a lot, and that he had traumas he might not fully overpower anytime soon. Or ever. But this felt too much.
I left that morning before he woke up, needing to clear my mind and went over these past months and how they unfolded. It was always me moving things forward. Seeking him, meeting him midway, making concessions. He defended me, true. He empowered me, that was also true. And he allowed the sweet safety to sink in my guts, but through all that he only really went out his way for me once: after our first kiss.
Otherwise, he just went along with me and it was exhausting to think I was the only one that wanted this enough to fight for it. Exhausting and heartbreaking.
Were we going somewhere?
So yes, now I wasn't exactly on my best moment with him. It wasn't like I was ignoring him, I just took my time answering. Or suddenly was very busy with our finals and last works -which wasn't a lie either.
But I shrugged at Macy. "I need time to think."
Her eyes softened, she was already updated with all my drama. "If it means anything; I know you're going through stuff and all, but if you talk about it I'm sure you can work things out."
"Or he'll decide it's too complicated and break up. No, not break up, because apparently we're not even worth a status."
"You sound bitter." I felt bitter. I was on the verge of a break up -or whatever- that I couldn't even mourn properly. "He likes you very much, you really should see the way he looks at you."
"He doesn't look at me any different than he looks at anyone else. With coldness."
She snorted. "He does to anyone else, but not to you. He looks at you like you're the last drop in the desert."
My heart picked up and I looked at her as we neared the cafeteria. "Does he?"
"I'm telling you." she nodded. "And he always keeps you so close, it's cute. Like he can't help but orbit around."
I laughed at her dreamy tone. "That's not true." I was the one orbiting around him.
"I'm sure it isn't if you look at it from the inside, but outside it's so obvious you're his weak spot."
His weak spot. I didn't know if I wanted to be anyone's weak spot. I want him to feel strong, and brave and sure when he was with me. Like I felt whenever he was in the room. But not a weak spot, something he would learn to abhor once surpassed the initial infatuation. If I even awoke infatuation in him. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Maybe it was just curiosity and I was making it so easy for him.
"That doesn't sound so good." I pursed my nose and she rolled her eyes, intertwining our arms as we entered the cafeteria.
"The ever present pessimist."
"Well, you know me."
"I do."
I smiled and was about to say something, but my blood froze when my eyes meet some pale ones across the room, sitting with the rest of the cheer squad and jocks at the popular table.
Jade had left me alone since the run-in behind the bleachers. True was it that we really ain't seen each other since but still. Her lip looked better now, still split, but not swollen anymore and the scab barely even there.
Last poll revealed people were more likely going to vote for Lydia as a Flower Queen in the Spring Ball next week before the break. I knew that losing the crown would be a hard blow to her, and I might even have felt some sympathy if it wasn't for all the horrible things she'd done so far.
She still hadn't snitched on me, and at this point, I was beginning to wrap my mind around the fact that she wouldn't. For some reason, turning me in wasn't on her schedule.
Also, the embarrassing picture she took of me didn't go online nor public anywhere though. The threatening notes had remained but the more it stretched, the less strength it all hold. If she was to do something, she would already have, wouldn't she?
But she didn't. She stayed away.
Even now, across the cafeteria, it was Shannon that scared me with that narrowed glare the moment she spotted me, but to my surprise it was Jade that grabbed her arm to prevent any possible trouble by giving her a warning look. The brunette scoffed, shaking off Jade's hold.
"Alyson."
I immediately tensed at the sudden voice. My chest tightened as I snapped my eyes from the popular's table to my side, where Noel stood awkwardly, a tray lazily held on his hand. He must be on his way towards them.
I clenched harder my hold on Macy's arm, feeling unprotected all of the sudden. He was just as bad as Jade. He'd hurt me. Constantly.
Macy straightened as well, folding her arms and giving him a nasty scowl. "And what do you want?"
"Are you called 'Alyson' by any chance? I want to talk with her for a second."
"She's not talking to you so piss off."
"What are you? Her manager? Fuck off."
"After you!"
"For fuck's sake..." he brushed on hand across his face frustratedly. My heart stopped for a second when his hard gaze found mine. He was pissed and people were starting to look. "I only want a second, alright? It's not like I'm gonna do anything." and gestured around to the crowded place. True. Not even he would risk doing something with so many people here, right? "Can we talk for a minute?"
I didn't want to. Every fiber of my body was begging me to say an emphatic 'no' and let Macy dragged me away from this guy that had caused me so much pain in the past. But there was the curiosity in me couldn't wrap my head around him asking for a talk. Noel had never been the kind of person that speaks calmly. He acts and asks later, so that's part of what shocked me about him approaching me like this. If he wanted to do something, he would have already. And, the truth was, he wouldn't do anything before so many people, would he?
So somehow I heard my breathless voice saying. "Thirty seconds."
Both turned to look at me surprised. "Are you sure?" wondered carefully Macy and I, pushing down the clench in my chest, nodded once. Let's get over with this.
Shock was covered in Noel's face by roughness again and he waved my friend. "You heard her. Go."
Her eyes narrowed as she gingerly stepped backward, "I'll be watching you, Whickman. Don't push it."
I was quick to regret this when his attention was fully on me and even with the bubbling chatter and giggled around I felt suddenly isolated and cold. I wrapped my arms tightly around me, very self-conscious.
"W-what do you wanna talk about?" I could count the fast drumming of my heart as it hammered my ribs and almost has a stroke when dropped his tray on the nearest table and took my elbow to walk us away from that table. I dug my heels and rushed: "P-please, don't touch me."
He let go like I'd burned him, raising his hands and glancing around now that we were out of earshot. I brushed the spot he'd touched, hating the feeling it left behind. Please don't let it be a mistake.
"Look," he started actually sounding stressed as he drove his eyes back to mine. It took everything in me not to cower. "I never intend for it to go this far, okay? I was, like, messing around. I thought it was funny."
My arms tightened around my waist. I didn't have to ask what he was talking about. "It wasn't."
"I know that." Noel snapped. "And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Or make you bleed." he grimaced and I felt the spot in my line of hair pulsing as if remembering the cut. "But well, Mendley got me real bad." he sounded almost light, brushing is jaw as if he could still feel Connor's punch. But when he saw there was no positive response to his intent to lighten the mood he dropped the attempt. "Anyway, what I mean is that all those pranks... they were just that. Pranks. But I see now I took them too far. And at that party last semester."
My eyes widened and my stomach dropped to my feet. I hadn't expected him to bring it up just like that. So this was why he didn't want others to eavesdrop.
My gaze lowered as he sighed, at least I saw repulsion and guilt cringing his features, but I was too ashamed at the memory.
"I was drunk. That wasn't supposed to happen and I will leave you alone from now on. I'm sorry."
"Mhm." still couldn't bring myself to look at him.
How should I feel about this apology? Was he even being serious? For all I know he'd been horrible all my life... just because he thought it was funny? That makes him awful.
Yet he apologized, twice. A shitty way to, but he did after all. And a part of me deep down felt that he meant it. But I couldn't tell him 'it's okay' because it wasn't. He'd been so wrong, hurt me so much in so many levels...
School was almost over, barely over a month more and all this will be history. If he was willing to stop I wouldn't protest, but all those 'pranks' had scarred me too deep to just accept his lame apology. I was glad he was trying to change if he meaned it, but I couldn't dismiss it just because he said he was sorry. I didn't trust him. He'd have to prove he was for real.
Noel waited a couple seconds, but when he realized I wasn't going to accept it just like that I heard him sighing again. Like I was being the difficult one here.
"Just so you know," his voice broke through the tension. "There's no picture anymore."
Oh god. My gaze snapped up at his, wide in horror as my whole body buzzed. "Y-you've s-seen it?"
"I wasn't part of it, if that's what you mean." he snapped quickly, raising his hands and his scowl deepened. "But they showed me and I..." he grimaced. "Apparently they were having a discussion and Jade seemed to want to back down. I know it was wrong, so I deleted it. Shannon almost punches me."
I bet she did. But my mind was stuck with Jade. She wanted to back down?
So what me fighting back did have an effect. A small spark of pride pinched my chest. I had faced her and achieve something. True, I didn't exactly make it happen, but created a chain of successes that ended with Noel deleting it. Noel. Deleting it. Ad apologizing. Maybe he did mean it?
As I eyed him carefully Macy stepped back by our side. "Thirty-two seconds, Whickman. And you still here."
"Oh, spare me." he glared at her, gave me one last glance and walked away like he didn't just said what he did.
I was so confused.
Macy grabbed my shoulders and made me face her, a concerned look in her eyes. "Are you okay? What did he want?"
"He... wanted to say sorry."
"What?"
Yeah, I was just as surprised. She pried a bit more, but I was too baffled to make anything clear now. I'd had a stressful day so far, right now I wanted to have lunch, my last classes and finish the English essay I had left. That's what I wanted. And to sleep. Sleep forever until this all made sense.
So before she could keep questioning I took her wrists and pulled us to the line to get something and she got the message and let it go. I'd overthink if I should consider his apology or not later. Now my brain would explode if I keep going like this.
********************
I typed rapidly as the sun gets down outside the window. As I said, I was busy with finals and the stupid English essay seemed to be stuck. Not moving forward, not backward. I wrote one sentence, regret it and erased a couple before attempting to start again.
Maybe because I felt stuck as well.
But this was due to Friday at most and I only have half a page done when I needed three minimum.
We were in the school's computer room. I rarely come here, usually using my own laptop at home, but there were too many distractions there and here I felt like I could isolate from everything else. Macy was also working on hers, but she seemed to be doing a lot better, her brows pursed and typing rapidly. As the day ran off other students using this room starts going away and at this point it was only us and Billy Hudson sitting on the opposite end with earpieces on.
Out of the blue, two hands leaned on the table by each of my elbows and I jumped at the sudden invasion. The heat in my back proved he was really close and I was engulfed by a cloud of this known citric scent and cigarettes.
Connor. My heart swelled. What is he doing here?
"H-hi." I managed, already a shaken mess as his inner forearms brushed the back of my arms and thousands of shivers caressed my skin.
His mouth came to my ear and I shuddered, overpowered by a wave of glee I struggled to suppress. "Are you ignoring me?"
"I literally just said hi."
He hummed, but unsatisfied with my answer he straightened his back again, leaving me cold and bothered as he moved to take the chair on my right. On my left was Macy, who gave him a quick look before going back to typing pretending she wasn't listening as well.
Connor slouched back against the chair facing me, stretching his long legs under my own chair and looking bored as hell as he met my gaze.
"I'm working." I informed him, but it didn't falter him in the slightest.
"Go on then."
I gulped. "I can't if you're gonna be staring at me."
"Why not?"
"Because..." but there was no answer acceptable I could give him and so my voice died.
This was what I'd wanted, wasn't it? For him to prove he noticed my absence and he'd come looking for me. But now, seeing him slouching in the seat tilting his head at me, I could only feel my chest hot and tight. Was this really what I wanted?
I glanced back at my open Word on the screen, the uncompleted sentence mocking me as I buzzed hyper aware of his presence now and our attention was attracted to the other end of the computer room as Billy's chair scratched against the flood when he got up. He sent us an apologetic smile for the fuss and waved at us goodbye, exiting the place and nodding his head to the rhythm of the music from his eye pieces. Now it was just us here.
Macy turned from his retreating form to meet my gaze and I could tell she was silently asking if I wanted her to leave as well. Did I? If she did, that would force us to have this conversation and for once I wasn't at all eager to talk. I didn't even know what I wanted.
I heard Connor moving from my other side and soon all my hairs rose as he leaned into my space and pulled my attention to him and to him only. I didn't even notice Macy focusing back on her work and sliding slightly away, as if that would give us more intimacy. But she did pretend she wasn't listening.
"What have I done?" he questioned only for me to hear.
"Nothing." and it was true. He hasn't done anything. That was the main problem here. I was too needy to be crawling for whatever he felt like allowing all the time.
"Right." there was a scoffed hidden in his collected tone.
Collected.
He was holding back, clueless on what triggered me to be like this and was probably analysing his options, holding back his real emotions instead of putting them out there. Because he never put himself out there.
If I hadn't kissed him first, or confessed to like him, or bit down my own insecurities every time to make this work... If I hadn't put myself on the firing line, I wasn't even sure we would even be friends at this point.
"You suck at lying."
My guts clenched at his sharp tone. He was losing his temper, but for once, I didn't want to meet him middle ground. If he was okay acting all cold and detached, then so will I.
Forcing my hands to unclench, I moved them over the keyboard once more. He huffed, pushing his chair backwards and stood to move towards the large window facing the school's backyard. Once there he leaned against the frame, taking out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke outside, his gaze glaring somewhere out there.
"Uh, I'm not sure he's allowed to do that." murmured Macy leaning so only I could hear her and I nodded.
Not only he couldn't, but he would get suspended if they found him. I didn't know if he was doing this because he truly didn't care of if he wanted to push my boundaries and see if I tell him to stop. Which I was dying to do. But instead I clenched my jaw and focused on the screen.
Macy looked between us, whispering again: "Do you want me to leave?"
"No." I muttered back, typing even if I had no clue what I was writing -the point was to make it look like I was unbothered. "If you leave before he apologizes I will cave in."
"So you want an apology?"
"I... I don't know. I guess I just want something." even if I couldn't name it.
She nodded, focusing back on her work and I was grateful. I knew I wasn't rational with Connor and if she leaves us along and he come back I would crumble in my determination.
I managed to write half of another page, very distracted by the fact he was barely meters away, smoking and typing away on his phone. So he took the time to hold a conversation with whoever it was on the other end, but only respond with short answers when I texted him. Cool. It only pinched my insides and made wanna keep this cold façade. Or whatever it was that I was holding up.
If this was a normal situation, I would go there, sweet-talk my way into his good side and reassure him. But what about me? Don't I need confirmation of his emotions? Of my worth to him?
If he was happily texting someone over the phone rather than fixing this, then fine. I pushed the squeezing of my heart down.
The sun was beginning to set, tainting it all with a golden light turning red and I knew were only about half an hour away from a teacher or janitor showing up and kicking us out. And I hadn't advanced half as much as I wanted to. In any way.
I heard him sigh forcefully through his nose and saw him putting his phone away from the corner of my eyes, but I pretend to still be focused solely on my essay as he made his way back here. He sat again, equally stoic as he stood and I gulped, trying to sneak a peak when he didn't immediately speak but got caught and my heart leaped down.
"Aren't you gonna tell me at least what I did wrong?" his tone was flat, collected, but there was also a weird hint behind it, and it was confirmed by the way his fingers picked at an irregular edge of the table. He was altered somehow. This bothers him more than he was willing to show. Maybe more than he wanted it to affect him, but he was still pulling up his hard front.
"I've told you. You've done nothing wrong."
"Then what is this shit about?" he snapped and I looked away, my lungs dense. He sighed, leaning forward and tuning down his voice. "If I've really done nothing, then why are you ignoring me?"
"I'm not-"
"Bullshit." he raised one hand to brush his hair, messing it and making my own fingers tingle to slide through it as well. "Alyson." he stared at me dead in the eyes, trying to read me. "Are you mad because I didn't ask you out?"
My throat felt dry, and I keep my back straight. "No." he gave me a pointed look and I shrugged one unstable shoulder, keeping my voice just as low as him; but I was quite sure Macy was hearing us either way. "I'm not mad because of that, but I'm not happy either."
"Why does it matter so much?" he stressed -or I thought he did, it was hard to tell when he was struggling to keep everything under control. "It's not like it would change anything. It only adds responsibilities and cliches linked with the tag."
"It's not that." I whispered back, squirming in my seat. "I don't care if you don't want us to 'date'." I frowned, rethinking my statement. "Well, I do care; but it won't be that bad it was just that. The thing is that it feels like I'm not even important enough for you to give it a thought."
Which kinda made me feel pathetic stated like that.
His brows pursed together, staring back at me as if he couldn't believe it and my heart pounded harder each second, making me buzz in self-consciousness.
But I couldn't stop now, so I tugged at the strands of my jean holes and forced out: "You're so against... everything."
"That's how I am."
That's the thing. It was always 'Connor is like this'. But that couldn't be the solution for everything.
"Well, but I am not like that." I mumbled, as this kept going deeper I regretted having said no when Macy asked if I wanted her to leave. As much as I appreciated the inner strength her presence offered, this didn't feel like the type of conversation you have with others around. But it was already rolling now, so... I sighed shakily, "I need to be reassured from time to time. To feel like... like I'm important too, or cared for..."
"But I care about you."
"I guess you do, b-but maybe not like I care about you. Or like I want you to... or how I need you too. And whenever I try to have a conversation about it you shut it down. It's just... You're so against stating we are anything at all that I just..." I shook my head, but the thoughts didn't ease nor cleared the dense turmoil there. "I don't know anything. I... I'm not even sure if you like me."
My heartbeat was loud in my ears the moment I was done with my rambling, satisfied I let it out my chest but anxious as well.
He eyed me silently, and not for the first time I wished I could read what was going through his mind. Especially as I feel so vulnerable as right now, pouring everything out. Finally, there was a tick in his jaw.
"You're joking."
I giggled, but it wasn't an amused sound. It sounded more defeated and I looked away, my chest deflating and past the point of shame I just decided to tell him. I got his attention, now if I didn't lay down all my cards this would only be a childish cry out for attention and so I went on.
"I'm really not."
"I love you."
Completely unprepared, my heart pounded harder and I heard Macy choking with water bottle she was sipping from, but I was too dazed looking into his dark, deep eyes to look away.
He... what?
Realizing I'd frozen, I slowly willed myself to look at him and his head tilted. "W-what?" I stuttered.
"I will- I'll just... uh, yeah." I barely noticed Macy getting up and moving somewhere else, leaving us privacy.
The computer room suddenly felt too big, too dark if you don't count the screen light of ours and the others seemed to spin and closed around us, isolating this single moment from the rest of the world.
"You don't-" my chest felt heavy and hot and I pursed my brows. "That's not funny."
"I'm not joking either."
I shook my head, looking away and fixing my stare on the blurred screen without actually seeing it and folded my arms. How was I supposed to believe that? To take that? He didn't even care enough to prove he liked me actively without me pushing his boundaries, he didn't even want us to 'date'.
Now he said he loves me? Just like that?
It was all so sudden strange and confusing, I felt my eyes burning and he noticed too even if I wasn't returning his gaze anymore.
"Are you crying?"
"No." but my throat closed and my voice sounded a lot weaker than I wished. "I don't get it."
"What?"
"You."
"Considering you're who gets me the most..." he half joked and I blinked rapidly. "Come on, it was cringy enough to admit it out loud. It was supposed to make you happy."
He meant that as something good. I knew he did, but it sounded wrong and I sniffled. "I d-don't want you to say it because it makes me happy, but because you mean it."
"I do mean it." he pulled my chair closer. "Besides my family you're for who I care the most. And who cares about me back. Of course you are important to me, and I give you thousands of thoughts every day." he said it like he couldn't believe I'd doubted it for a second.
And it was easy to believe him, but that was now.
What would happen when he went back to being 'how he was' and I had to cling to the memory of this to remember I did matter in his scheme?
"Hey," this time I did meet his softening gaze. With great difficulty. He reached out the tuck a strand behind my ear, sending shivers down my neck and following his fingertips my hair down and pushed it pass my shoulder, stripping me from the screen of protection it offered. "I love you."
Again he said it. Three words. Eight letters. Breathed out so easily as if they carry no weight with them.
Connor loved me. Loved me. Me.
I felt lightheaded just processing those dense words.
"D-do you really?" the corner of his mouth twitched and my heart pulled with it. A tear fell now and I wiped it furiously. "Then why do you make it so complicated?"
"I don't know. I'm sorry." for once it was him rushing the words as he cupped my face and brushed away the proves of my crying. Maybe he couldn't stand it like I couldn't stand him suffering. And if he said he loved me... "I'm messed up. I'm broken and will ruin you and thought... I thought holding back was the safest option."
"You're not b-broken, s-stop saying that."
His lips curled in the hem but it was more like a wince than a smirk. "I thought I was only putting myself at risk." I chuckled incredulously, the sound coming choked as more tears shed and he wiped them so. So softly it was hard to remember I was mad at him for being cold. "I thought I made myself clear regarding to you."
I cupped his hands and lowered them, but he intertwined our fingers making my heart shuddered. "I just... it would be nice not to be begging for reassurance all the time."
"It's not that I don't want to date you. I just don't see the point. I don't need a tag to tell me what I feel for you."
"But maybe I do." I smiled down to our fiddling hands on my lap, his knees were on both sides of mine and he was leaning so we were sharing the same breathing space. I could feel my face heating up. "I'm sorry I am so needy."
"I'm sorry I didn't notice. I do care about you, more than anyone. I know that, and I want you to know that too, but a tag is just a tag. It won't stop things from falling apart, just like it won't strengthen something that isn't already there." he spoke lowly; watching too our hands, his brows pursing together as his eyes unfocused, deep in thought. "My parents... they are divorcing." he said then and my heart squeezed. With all the fights and weekends away, it wasn't a surprise, but Connor had always denied it. Now was the first time he ever spoke it out loud. "They are married, they promised to love each other forever and still it meant nothing." his jaw ticked and I slid my palms over his, brushing his forearm tattoes skin and lacing lazily on his wrists, feeling the hard pounding of his veins there. "A tag means nothing in the end."
"They were together for a long time." I muttered. "Some people just grow apart with time fall out of love. I-I think it was one out of three marriages end in divorce-"
"Believe it or not." he said in that low tone of his. "That doesn't really help."
"Sorry." I let my fingers the traced of the ink in his arms and he sighed, letting his shoulders relax and his forehead pressed on mine, easing some of my own lace of emotions. "I... I am sorry, about your parents."
"Everyone saw it coming." he said. "What I mean, is that I don't need to be your boyfriend to know I care about you."
"And yet you were my boyfriend to show off for Dylan and Brett."
"I need to simplify things for jocks' brains."
Against my better judgement, I laughed at that. And he smirked lightly tilting his head up until I felt his lips on my forehead. As I keep tracing up his forearms I felt his palms closed on my elbows, moving my arms to his shoulder. Then his arm came easily around my middle back with the new closeness and, seeing his intentions, I got off my chair easily letting him pulled me into his lap instead. I burned everywhere, my side completely pressed against him I snuggled comfortably as he slouched against the back of the chair pulling me with him.
I wasn't used to this kind of cuddling, but I loved it. My eyes closed as I melted at the soft path of his lips to my ear.
"Of course I care about you." he kissed my jawline and soft spot under my ear and his hand traced carefully my outer thigh and his other curled easily on my waist. I shuddered in glee -physical and emotional glee. "I just don't speak my emotions."
"I wish you did more. Just a little bit."
"You and everyone." he half taunted, his tone flat, but there was a tick in his eyebrow. "My family wants me to see a therapist. For... everything."
I gulped, knowing exactly what he was referring to.
"I'm surprised you haven't before to be honest."
"I did." his lips grazed the skin of my jaw tauntingly as he spoke, keeping us casually close. Goosebumps and heath spread everywhere. "But only work for so long. Now with they think the divorce would hit me hard and that I'm being self destructive so they want me to start again."
I hummed, considering his words. He stated them with disgust, but that actually didn't sound bad. "I mean, it's not a bad idea."
"I don't like talking to people."
"You talked to me." I commented and he gave me a look and I shrugged. "Kinda. A little." I slid my hands through his locks softly and his lids fell, not really reacting but not pushing me away either, so I keep going. "And this might help you."
"I'll think about it."I nodded, softly tracing the bleached hair off his face, but he took my hand and my eyes moved to his closed ones. "I'm sorry."
About making me insecure. About not reassuring my feeling to the point I doubted his so much. I brought my hand to his shoulder with my other. "I know."
He smiled. "I love you." that was a bit softer, and a bit strained as well. I knew he wasn't comfortable speaking his feeling -earlier he had said he cringed at it or something like that.
"I love you too."
And just like that, I'd said to too. Putting finally a name to this. It was definitely more than a crush, more than infatuation, and it's been growing these past months. Maybe that was part of why I freaked out when he didn't seem to reciprocate at all. But now? It felt so good to say it.
Connor smiled; but then grimaced, hiding in my neck with a shudder. "Okay, can we drop it now?"
I chuckled and nodded, but hold him still and he sighed, adjusting my position to fit better and rested his head on my shoulder.
I wanted to stay like this. I really wanted to, but my computer screen was still there, an awful reminder I had a timeline to fulfill.
"Connor." I kissed his cheek, then his temple and he hummed. I smiled, enjoying how relaxed I felt now after this clearing up. He loved me. His idea of a stable relationship ruled more on feeling than on labels, but he loved me. We were together. In this weird unconventional way, but we were. "I have to work on my essay."
"Then work on it." was his simple response and I smiled, kissing his lips.
An immediate spark overpowered me as he kissed back, straightening our position as if grew from a peck to a proper kiss, insufflating light in my bones. It was almost aching to pull away; so, empowered by this new confidence, I didn't get off his lap and instead turned the screen and dragged the keyboard closer to work from here. With his arms around my waist and his chin resting on my shoulder.
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QUESTION: What would be a good ending for them?
I'm working on the last chapter for Connor and Alyson, but I would love to know what are your ideas for them in the previous question ^^^. And let me know also how do you feel about this chapter: Noel, the confession and all. I'll be dying to know!
Don't forget to comment, vote and share.