"𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚊𝚜. 𝚂𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞—𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚏𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞—𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘." — 𝙐𝙣𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙣
❀
Amber ran to get the door that morning. A persistent knock on the door had woken up from her deep sleep. It was the first time after a long time that she was actually enjoying sleeping, no dreams, no waking up all the time, she was just into deep. But that was ruined when the person that was behind the door decided to surprise her a few days earlier than expected. It was her best friend, Rosie.
When the two girls were finishing high school, they had decided that they were going to be roommates. Amber was moving for collage and Rosie wanted to pursue a modelling career. And so it happened.
"I'm coming." Amber yelled. She opened the door and gasped when she saw Rosie in front of her. It was the first time she was actually feeling happy after too long.
"Ambs!" Rosie exclaimed and hugged her best friend. Rosie was always an overenthusiastic person, always making everyone smile around her. She had that kind of energy and it just matched with Amber so perfectly. They had really hit it off since the first day of high school.
"Rosie!" Amber hugged her back. "You're finally here, thank god, I was drowning all alone in this city!"
"I got you now." Rosie reassured her. Amber helped her get her things inside. She placed her suitcase in the living room, until she could get comfortable in her new room. "I brought you coffee, and oh my god, did you know that there is a very hot guy just across the street making these?" Rosie chuckled as she handed Amber her cup of coffee.
"What hot guy? I haven't seen a hot guy." Amber scoffed. She didn't want to admit that Dean had charmed his way into her head. It wasn't that she liked him, because she loved Tom, but that didn't stop her for finding him handsome and charming. "Just a slightly cute one." She shrugged it off, failing to inform her about their conversation last week.
"Oh so you noticed him?" Rosie raised her eyebrows suggestively.
"I don't notice hot guys, I have a boyfriend, remember?"
"Yeah, I remember Tom." Rosie said. "I love Tom. Tom is delightful. Tom is also in Chicago. How are guys doing with that?" She asked as she took a seat on the big white couch, on the living room. She admired how stylish the apartment was. Mark had a good taste.
"Fine, most of the time." Amber admitted. "We haven't really talked though. I feel like he is having the time of his life there and I don't want to call him and ruin that with my mood." She said. They had been trying to reach each other the last few days with no success. When Amber was calling him, he was out and when Tom was calling her she was either in class or sleeping.
Rosie gave her friend a warm look. She felt bad for leaving for Europe, but she had an opportunity for a job and she couldn't say no. "How are you Amber?" She placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Oh you used my full name, things are getting serious." Amber half joked, not wanting to reply to that question.
"Amber..."
"I am fine, most of the time." She shrugged, hiding the fact that she was still crying herself to sleep. That she had stopped seen her therapist and that she was letting herself get lost in her head and memories more and more. "I just feel like I shouldn't have left Seattle. I should have been there for Mark, he needs help and my siblings... they won't ever know how it is to have a mother and I... I need to be there, you know?" And again, she hid the fact that she was just one step away from giving everything up and returning home.
"I know that your step-dad and your siblings are very lucky to have you, even if you're not there all the time. Because working for your dreams is also important, and it's going to be very inspiring for your brother and sister when they get older. And for whatever's worth, they might never meet their mother, but you've met her and you can tell what a great person she was and all the great things she had done."
❀
"I can't believe that your mom is the chief of a hospital." It was roughly a year and half in the past. Rosie was lying in Amber's bed. The teenager had just informed her that her mother had a promotion. "That's so inspiring. I want to be your mom." Rosie always admired Natalie since the moment she met her. It was because of the way she always looked confident; she looked like she was ready to rule the world with just one cup of coffee in her hands. And Rosie found that very motivational.
"Well, the surgical floor." Amber corrected her as she was sitting in her chair by the desk, spinning around. "She doesn't own the whole hospital, although she could."
"She totally could!" Rosie exclaimed and sat up. "Do you think that we will ever own a hospital?"
"No..." Amber chuckled at the irony. "What?" She said when Rosie gave her a look "I'm just being honest. And you want to pursue a modelling career. How would you ever own a hospital?"
"I don't know, but you could be more supportive." Rosie told her, but her gaze drafted at the older woman that was standing by the door. Natalie had just returned home from the hospital and the first thing she always did when she returned home was check on her daughter. The one she couldn't bring to take care at least.
"Hey girls!" Natalie smiled at them.
"Hi mom!"
"Hi Mrs Turner, or is it Dr? Or maybe Chief Turner?" Rosie rambled.
"Don't mind her..." Amber rolled her eyes at her friend. "She wants to be you."
"Amber!" Rosie shrieked. "Okay, yeah" she admitted and looked at Natalie who was just standing there looking at her friend's daughter as she talked too fast. "You're so inspiring. You finished medical school while you had a baby, and what a great baby this one grew up to be." She commented and flashed Amber a smile.
"She did!" Natalie agreed.
"I am so fabulous." Amber muttered to herself.
"And you achieved for much since then that you ended up being Chief. That's inspiring." Rosie added, making Natalie laugh softly.
"Thank you Rosie!" She said honestly. "You know what though? You should always be inspired by other women, even if they're not chiefs, even if they are moms that stay home to take care of their families. You know what kind of courage that needs? Every woman has made a choice, and she should be encouraged for that. Because being a woman in this world is really bloody hard."
"Inspiring!" Rosie sighed.
"You can call me Natalie by the way." She told her, answering the question from before.
"She can?" Amber questioned. "Tom is not allowed to do that."
"Well, I don't see Rosie climbing up your window in the middle of the night." Natalie have her daughter a pointy look. "Rosie respects me and this house and she can call me Natalie." Rosie smiled proudly at that.
"Rosie brought alcohol that weekend you and Mark were away!" Amber scoffed, without really thinking about what she was saying.
"Ambs, what the hell? " Rosie gasped. "We had a moment here."
And Natalie's smile dropped in seconds and the strict mom took over. "You know the only one in trouble for that is you, right?" She crossed her arms on her chest and glared at Amber.
"Oh come on!" Amber complained, mostly because she was the reason her mother found out about that.
"Car keys, for one week." Natalie announced.
"I can still call you Natalie, right?" Rosie questioned.
"We will see." Natalie called out as she was walking downstairs to spend some moments with her husband.
"I can't believe you got me in trouble with your mom!" Rosie threw a pillow at Amber.
"I am the one who doesn't have a car!" Amber threw the pillow back at her.
❀
"So, what do you do for fun on Saturdays?"Rosie asked Amber as they were chilling at the living room. The TV was on and they were chatting about Rosie's trip to Europe.
Amber pressed her lips together, her definition of fun had changed a lot the last few months. Mostly because she didn't like being around many people. She didn't like crowed places and she preffered staying at home. She ad reached a point where she wouldn't even get out of bed all day if she hadn't to go to her classes. "I rewatch Supernatural until the new episodes come out!" She said quietly, expecting Rosie to yell at her.
"Let me rephrase." Rosie cleared her throat, being patient with her friend, because she knew that she needed more time. "What do you do for fun on Saturdays outside of the house?"
"I only go out for classes." Amber confessed.
"Okay" Rosie clapped her hands together like she had come at a decision. "Go get dressed, we are going to do something. We could go dancing!"
"Oh, no please!" Amber complained and laid down on the couch.
"No more whining, go get dressed!" She order and stood up running to get dressed as fast as possible. "Wear something nice!" She called out and Amber only groaned in reply.
❀
The loud music was vibrating through their bodies as they entered a famous New York city's club. "The music is too loud and we can't even drink, what's the point of going to a club if you can't drink?" That was the first thing Amber said as she looked around her with a frown in her face.
"Dance?" Rosie questioned. She had started moving her body in the music as she looked around trying to find a place for them to stand.
"But there is no space for that..." Amber said as Rosie was dragging her further inside the club.
"If you really want to go, we can go." Her best friend said. "I didn't mean to pressure you." Amber looked at her friends. She admired how beautiful she was and how her hazel eyes were giving her an honest look. She was really trying to make Amber smile again, remember what it's like having fun.
And Amber appreciated that. "No, I'm sorry, I am just complaining a lot, I am sorry. We can dance for a while." She reassured her and Rosie's face broke into a smile.
They were trying to move pass some people, when a tall figure blocked their way. Amber had been looking at the floor, avoiding eye contact. But then a familiar voice talked to her over the noise and she looked up. "Extra sugar girl!" It was the guy from the cafe.
"Oh, hi, Dean!" Amber smiled awkwardly and Rosie gave her a look, only then realising that her friend had told her half of the truth and that she did know the guy. She even knew his name.
"Sorry, I don't know your name there and..." Dean said as he scratched the back of his neck.
"No, it's fine." Amber reassured him, not taking the hint that it was her turn to say her name.
"This is the part where you tell me your name." Dean flashed her a charming smile.
"It is?" Amber asked clueless.
"Well, I'm Rosie, hi!" Rosie butted in, feeling like she needed to save Amber from her own self.
"Hey." Dean smiled at her politely.
"Amber, it's Amber. My name it is." Amber said awkwardly and Rosie gave her a look.
"Amber, nice, I like it." Dean commented.
Amber's phone screen flashed with a text on the screen and she only managed to see the ID, Tom. "I have a boyfriend." She blurred out, like she had forgotten about him for a second as she was speaking with Dean. She could only feel her heart flattering and she knew that it was not good.
"What?" She heard Rosie saying under her breath.
"I wasn't hitting on you." Dean said.
And Amber winced at the realisation. "I know, I am so sorry-"
"Yet." He added interrupting her. "I was going to, but guess I was going to make myself look like a fool. So thanks for the warning."
"Oh my God." Rosie muttered again and Amber nudged her to stop.
"Oh." That was the only thing Amber was managed to blur out, too shocked to say anything else.
Dean only flashed her a smile again, and Amber's heart started beating louder. "So, I'll let you girls alone." He glanced at Rosie for a second who was standing there with an awkward smile and wide eyes. "Nice seeing you extra sugar girl." Dean gave Amber a good look before disappearing into the crowd.
"Bye." Amber whispered.
"What is wrong with you?" Rosie exclaimed when Dean was out of sight.
"I don't know!" Amber said at the same tone.
"Oh my God, I was in pain just standing here." Rosie cried. "And oh my God, hot guy has a crush on you."
"I have a boyfriend!" Amber reminded her.
❀
Few minutes later, Amber stepped outside to call Tom. He had texted her saying that he was home alone if she wanted to talk. After Amber informed Rosie that she was going to be right outside, she left her flirting with a guy.
Amber smiled when she heard Tom's voice answering the phone. "Hey" she said in a sweet tone "I saw your text earlier but I am at this club with Rosie and I just stepped outside to call you. She was flirting with this guy and I'm giving her five minutes. And then I am going home."
"Are there any guys hitting on you?" Tom asked half joking, half being serious. The number one problem of long distance relationships was other people. And the way you can find comfort in them when the one person you want to comfort you is miles away.
"No, I wore my I have a boyfriend t-shirt." Amber said playfully.
"You should get that tattooed." Tom said making Amber scoff. "Okay, I am joking. I trust you."
"Well, so do I." Amber smiled softly, wishing she could see him. There were moments she really needed him and other times she just felt bad overall because she wasn't giving one hundred percent of herself in that relationship. Because half of her was lost in the past and in grief. Half of her was gone the moment her mother left her. And she couldn't find her pieces.
"I really can't wait for you to come here" Tom sighed dreamily, like he was already picturing how things would go down. He had a whole plan in his head. "I really miss you and I have so much to show you. And you're going to love my room."
"I will?" Amber asked him.
"You will once you see how organised I have it. And hear that, I have no roommate this semester, so it's going to be you and me." He made sure to emphasise the last three words. You and me meaning something more to him.
"Will we have a Harry Potter marathon?" Amber asked as she hugged herself with her free hand, feeling cold without her coat.
"I had other things in mind."
"Like what?" She asked not understanding the meaning of his words.
"You know..." He let the words lingered, trying to make his hint more obvious.
"I don't." Amber was pretty clueless at times.
"Don't make me say it."
"You're gonna have to, because I don't understand."
"Well..." Tom sighed. "Making love..." He said, and made a face at the way it sounded, but he didn't want to use the word sex. "I am talking about that..." He confessed and Amber was surprised for a second. They hadn't completed their relationship in that part, not fully. Amber wasn't feeling comfortable at the beginning and then her mother got sick and she couldn't think about that. "I really got how you were not ready at the beginning and it was fine" Amber smiled, she always loved how sweet he was and she liked that he was talking to her about what he wanted, but it took just few words for Tom to ruin everything. "But then time passed and I really wanted us to take that step. And then the thing with your mother happened and..."
Her smile dropped at the way he said that last sentence, like it ruined his plan. And her calmness turned into anger, in just few seconds. "Oh, I am sorry the thing with my mother was such an inconvenient for you." She snapped and started pacing back and forth at the pavement outside of the club.
"I didn't say that..." Tom tried to find the right words to explain, but it seemed like he wasn't thinking with his right head. "Just all my friends think that it's been too long..."
"Are all your friends in this relationship with us?" Amber interrupted him. "You know I didn't mind talking with you about it. But you're bringing up other people in the conversation and... you know, yeah? I am not ready right now. Everything inside of me hurts and I am not going to apologise for needing time to grief my mother. I need time to figure out how I am going to move on, because I can't. I can barely get out of bed every morning. And the only reason I am out right now is because Rosie showed me some support and respect, she didn't talk to me about how she needs to get laid. Because that's what you need. You're just horny, right?"
"Amber, everything just sounded wrong." Tom sighed. "I just needed..."
"No, I don't care." She cut him off again. "I don't care what anyone needs. I am done always putting everyone else first."
"I am not just anyone." He told her.
"You are now."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I am going to make it easy for you." She remarked. "Go on, find someone who's willing to give you a good laid. Maybe one of your friends since they have an opinion about it. We are over."
Amber's eyes got blurry as she hung up the phone. Her hands trembled and she took few steps away so she could get some privacy. The pavement outside of the club was pretty crowded and she couldn't break down in front of all those people. She leaned against the wall and started taking some deep breaths. But she exhaled, a sob escaped her lips and she put her hand against her mouth, muffling her continuous sobbing.
She was still a crying mess when she started dialling the only phone number she knew by heart. Her mother's.
She closed her eyes tightly and the flashback from that night came at her. Her mother promising her that she was always going to be by her side. It was like she was standing there, right next to her. And she prayed over and over that she would hear her voice again. But she didn't.
"The number you dialled does not exist." An automatic message popped up and then the calle was ended.
And Amber tried again. And again. Until she had enough. "You said you'd be here, but you're not." She cried. "I need you, why aren't you here?" She dropped her phone from her ear. She looked up the dark sky. "I hate you mom, do you hear me?" She yelled making few people glance at her way. "I hate you so much." She whispered and continued crying.
"Amber, where have you been?" Rosie ran at her friend, only a second later realising that she was crying. "What happened honey?"
"Sorry, I was breaking up with Tom." Amber managed to cry long enough to form the sentence. But then she broke down again. So Rosie didn't question anything, she just hugged her until she had no more tears.
❀
After Amber calmed down, Rosie had an idea about a way to throw away some of the heartache. "It's easy, right?" Rosie asked her best friend. Amber nodded her head, still not able to say much, even if she was calmer than before. Rosie held her hand tightly giving her courage. "Okay, okay, get ready, three, two one..." And then they screamed as the subway train was passing by. Their screams becoming one with the loud noise of the train. People stared at them. But they didn't care. They needed to let it all out, for just a second. It was just a second, until the train disappeared taking their desperate screams with it.
❀
ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ɪ'ᴠᴇ ᴘʟᴀɴɴᴇᴅ ɪᴛ, ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ꜰɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴘɪɴᴏꜰꜰ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɴ ꜱᴘᴀʀᴋꜱ ɪꜱ ᴅᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ. ᴏᴋᴀʏ ᴇxᴄᴜꜱᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪ ᴄʀʏ.