“I’m Emily Garner, your wedding planner, dear.”
Wedding planner?! Oh, wow, okay. Wasn’t prepared for that.
However, she discovered that the panic she’d expected to feel at that statement was apparently absent, and instead, she found that the idea had generated a swarm of nervous butterflies in her stomach, their wings tickling along this way and that. Not that she was in any way ready for such an event. They still had quite a few bridges to cross before for that would come.
Numerous bridges. Loads of traffic. So many tolls.
But still, in the spirit of ‘their normal’…
I mean, one day… it might be nice.
“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry, you kind of look familiar, but I have a pretty solid block on anything Lisa related, unfortunately,” she said, pointing to her temple.
“That is unfortunate,” she said, her face falling into a sorrowful grimace.
“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, or to meet you again, I guess,” she giggled softly. “I didn’t even know that we had a wedding planner. Lisa never mentioned it.”
“Yes, well, I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I was your wedding planner,” she said, the pity evident in her eyes. “You were such a lovely couple. Such a shame.”
And, suddenly, it was like an icy shock to her system.
What…? She felt the small smile fall from her face as she absorbed the words, trying to make sense of them in any way that she could.
“We… we were?” she asked uneasily.
Oh god. What’s going on here?
She was their wedding planner? They were a lovely couple? It was such a shame? That formerly absent panic had made an appearance and was quickly growing, echoing into her chest and expanding outwards as her throat began to close up.
“Absolutely. One of the sweetest I’d ever had the pleasure to work with. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen two people more in love in all of my years in this business.”
“Oh, um…” Wow. “Well, thank you, but… I’m sorry, you’re no longer working with us or…?” she stuttered, still trying to wrap her head around what exactly was happening at that moment.
Breathe, Rosie. Just breathe.
“Unfortunately, no. I was so looking forward to the big day, for both of you, and it was so hard to hear the news when Miss Manoban called.”
Lisa called her and… She felt like the air had just been sucked from her body as she struggled to keep her feet steady. What did she say??
“The news…? I’m sorry, when did Lisa call and what did she say?” She heard the edge of desperation leak into her voice as she gripped the strap of her bag a little tighter, her knuckles straining under the pressure.
“Oh.” The question seemed to surprise the older woman, which only made Rosie’s angst grow faster. “Well, originally she called sometime in early October to say it was possible you may need to postpone the event. She said you’d had an accident and might need some more time to… I believe she said ‘readjust.’”
“Oh!” Rosie felt some of the tension leave her shoulders as she sagged in on herself.
She just pushed it back!
“But then,” Ms. Garner continued, “I believe it was around the end of October that she called and canceled everything. I was so sorry to hear you were no longer together.”
Oh god...
Every muscle in her body went taut with fear, the panic at her core tripling in the span of a second with those three words.
No longer together? She was really done with me?
“She-she said we weren’t together anymore?” she asked, her voice small.
“She didn’t go into any specific details. She simply said that considering the circumstances, it wasn’t going to work out,” she answered, and the pity on her face only made matters worse as it grew.
“But, I mean… I mean we are still together,” she cried eagerly, wondering if she was saying it for the benefit of her current companion or just to reassure herself.
“Well, that’s wonderful, dear!” she said with a genuine smile. “I’m thrilled to hear you were able to find your way back to one another despite the situation.” Ms. Garner looked away for a moment as someone called her name just up the sidewalk, the older woman smiling and waving before turning back to Rosie. “I don’t mean to sound forward, but if for any reason the two of you change your minds and decide to continue on with the planning, I’d love to help. Here’s my card,” she said, handing Rosie a small piece of pristine white cardstock, and with one last smile and a ‘ta’, she was gone.
Rosie looked down at the card, the loopy script swirling unsteadily in front of her eyes, her fingers shaking ever so slightly within the thick red yarn encasing her mittened hand. She felt like she’d just been punched in the chest, bile swiftly rising in her throat.
Oh my god! Oh my god! She-wait a minute!
What had just happened? The wedding? Lisa calling it off? The fight? That they weren’t going to work out? Everything churned around her brain in a vortex of confusion, and as she attempted to pinpoint one fact to focus on and start there, she found herself getting more and more agitated.
She called at the end of October…?
The fight they’d had… the fight where Lisa admitted that she knew Rosie didn’t love her anymore.
No, they weren’t in the best place at that time. That much was obvious. And when she’d stupidly ran out that morning to Jisoo and Jennie’s… when she’d almost ruined everything, yes, the situation had probably hit an all-time low. She’d been so busy trying to wrap her head around the fact that she’d lost the most important person in her world that she hadn’t thought things through when she’d grabbed her bag and bolted that day.
But Lisa understood! After that fight… I mean, she got it! And she wanted to start again just as much as I did! Right?
But no. Apparently, she was wrong. Apparently, she was the only one who felt that way… who wanted to make it work.
Lisa stopped everything and…
Suddenly, of all those emotions swirling around inside her, one in particular took hold, overshadowing all the others with a loud thunderous jolt. The confusion fled. The sadness ran away. The dread bolted.
She was done! She was done with me and with us! And… she never even told me! She never said a word! She chose for us and stayed silent on it!!!
Turning on her heel, she stormed up the sidewalk, stomping past the bakery she was planning to visit for some of those pastries Lisa had just mentioned craving the day before, her fists clenched at her sides, crushing the white card in her hand, breath coming fast and hard. The relaxed afternoon she’d planned to spend with her girlfriend was going to have to wait because this wasn’t going to be pleasant.
She better have one hell of an explanation!
***
Hearing the locks turn on the door in the other room, Lisa swallowed hard and stepped into the kitchen, watching from the doorway as Rosie entered, head down, her long blonde locks hiding her face.
“Hey, Chaeyoung-ah,” she said, the nervousness in her voice more than obvious. She waiting a long moment as Rosie dropped her things, the blonde’s back still to her. “We um… we need to talk.”
She watched as Rosie hung her jacket from the coat rack, the blonde’s shoulders tensing as she turned towards her, the silence between them heavy. And Lisa immediately saw it. Saw what she feared as their gazes met. Rosie’s eyes were hard, her eyebrows tightly pulled together, jaw clenched. The blonde took one step towards her, fists tight at her sides, limbs taut in obvious anger, and Lisa once again swallowed hard at the sight.
“Yeah. Yeah, we really do, Lisa.”
She sighed and looked down at her feet, her boots suddenly heavy on her feet, gluing her to the wood floor below. Shoving her hands into her back pockets, she nodded once before looking back up, the anger in Rosie’s eyes even sharper than the moment before.
Damn idiot brunettes.
“Look, I get that you’re upset,” she started, “and you have every right to be. I shouldn’t have done this. I should’ve talked to you first but… can you please just let me explain why?”
Rosie huffed and rolled her eyes, her posture still rigid. Shaking her head, she turned and walked past Lisa into the living room without another glance.
“This better be good,” she sniped and Lisa swallowed once more before slowly following.
***
Three Hours Earlier
“So um… you want to tell us what’s going on, Lisa?” Jisoo asked.
Fuck.
She had to do this. She couldn’t back out now.
As much as I want answers, I really hope they don’t give me the one that’s going to crush me.
“I wanted…” she started before swallowing down the guilt that was rolling around in her chest, clearing her throat softly, and trying again. “I wanted to ask you guys about… about Rosie. If she’d said anything to any of you before the accident.”
“Said anything about what?” Jisoo asked.
“About… about her and I. Did she say anything about me?” she asked, absolutely hating that a smidge of insecurity had clearly leaked into her voice. That wasn’t her and she wasn’t about to let these three see that vulnerability. Schooling her face, she looked back up, the weakness now hidden even as her heart thudded loudly in her chest. “Did she… was she unhappy with me or… with us?”
“Manoban, what’re you talking about? That girl thinks you make the sun shine.” The fact that this came from Tzuyu startled her, and when Lisa looked over, taking in the softness on her face, it only confused her more.
“She really does. Rosie Posie is head over heels crazy in love with you,” Jisoo added.
She says she is. She thinks she is, but before…
“Lisa, what’s going on?” Jennie asked as she untied the apron from around her waist and took the stool next to Lisa’s.
“I just… I’m trying to understand. With everything that’s happened, I’m just trying to find an explanation. I mean… there has to be a reason that she only forgot me.”
She glanced around, watching as the three other girls shared a sad look, their own feelings on the situation obviously surfacing.
“Lisa, why are you asking this all of a sudden?” Jisoo asked, leaning their elbows forward onto the table, eyes curious.
“Like I said, I just want to understand.”
“But why now, dear? Has something changed? Between the two of you?”
“No, it’s just… look, I know it’s been months. And I know that this has been really hard for her. But it’s been hard for me too, and I just… I just want to understand if I did something that was driving her away before it all started. If the reason she forgot me is because…” She paused, feeling her heart drop in her chest at that moment. “Because she wanted to.”
She fucking hated that the thought had even come to her, but she couldn’t deny it once it implanted itself in her brain. Rosie obviously hadn’t planned the accident, or the aftermath, but if she had wanted out… well, this was a pretty good way to go.
She nervously glanced around, the sinking feeling in her gut becoming heavier and heavier as the moments of silence ticked by. The trio stared at each other, eyes uneasy before finally turning back to her as she swallowed hard and prepared for the worst.
“Why would she ever want to forget you, Lisa?” Jennie finally asked. “Rosie was so happy with you. She was so excited about the future and all that the two of you would have. Together.”
Sighing heavily and steeling herself once more, she looked down at her hands, her fingers nervously moving the crumbling piece of oatmeal cookie back and forth between them.
“Fine, then if she didn’t say anything, is there a chance that maybe she felt that way and didn’t tell you guys?” she asked, slowly glancing around the three once again.
“Doubtful. Rosie can barely hold water. And even if she didn’t tell us everything, if there was something wrong, we would’ve known,” Jisoo said, their face taking on a seriousness rarely seen. “And you would’ve too.”
You would’ve. You know this!
“Well, then what the hell is it?” Lisa asked, her voice exasperated as she finally set the fragmented cookie down beside her, ignoring the anxious look on Jennie’s face at the possible mess. “There has to be an explanation.”
“There might not be, though,” Tzuyu argued. “It might just be a fluke thing that her brain just shut off everything having to do with you.”
“But she didn’t shut off everything! She remembers stuff!”
A loud chorus of startled ‘whats?!” erupted around her and she realized that she may have been a touch pre-emptive with that statement.
“No,” she said, holding her hands in front of her to calm the excitement. “I don’t mean she remembers everything. But she does know some things. She… she remembers all these little one-offs, but they’re so small and insignificant, and she doesn’t even seem to realize that she’s doing it.”
“Well, like what?” Jisoo asked, scratching thoughtfully at their chin.
“Like… she somehow knows I hate mushrooms. She knows how to waltz and how to play chess, things that I taught her. We danced to the song I taught her to after a dinner date we had before I left town. She knows which of my t-shirts to wear when she’s going to make a mess of herself and the ones she’s already ruined in the past. She knows to pack something to remind me of her when I leave town, just like she always has. She knows the one Christmas song that I like and that she always makes me dance to. She knows…”
Exactly how to kiss me and touch me and make me fall apart.
“Yeah? What? What else?”
“Nothing, just…” She shook her head, ridding herself of the thought. “I mean maybe all these things have something to do with why it’s just me!”
She looked around, the three sharing another curious look before facing her again, shrugging, apparently at a loss.
“So a handful of random shit and nothing? That’s just it? No rhyme or reason?” she scoffed. “Of course. This was a waste of time.”
“Wait, hold on. Maybe not,” Jisoo said before looking around the room. “Has anyone else noticed anything?”
“Well, she did say something a few weeks ago that I found rather odd,” Jennie started, her brow furrowing as she did. “She mentioned something about how you like those little bacon and potato quiches I make. I didn’t understand how she knew that at the time but, well, it was rather strange.”
Lisa’s eyebrow quirked at the information, curious. What is it with Rosie and food?
“Oh! She said something that day I met her for coffee,” Tzuyu added. “They were having some sort of art exposé at the time and there was a painting on the wall near our table. She said something about how it specifically looked like one of yours.”
“So? There are paintings hanging in our house, I’m sure she can see similarities between artists.”
“Okay, fine,” Tzuyu piped up again. “When we had game night, I think you were in the bathroom, but she mentioned some restaurant in Chicago that had ‘the best pizza ever.’ Have you guys talked about the greater Chicago area’s restaurants in depth?” The taller girl’s eyes narrowed, daring her to argue.
“Okay… I… maybe-”
“Oh,” Jennie interrupted. “The day she and I spent together, when she bought you that Christmas ornament, she said something about getting you a new set of pencils. And when we asked the girl at the art store, she knew the ones that you prefer, but they were out of stock.”
“Maybe… maybe she dug through my art stuff?” Okay, these are just getting weirder and weirder.
“She also called me on Halloween. It was… well, it was when she was still trying to come to terms with everything that happened with Tzuyu,” Jennie said uncomfortably and Tzuyu had the decency to look embarrassed. “But I was making caramel apples for the neighborhood children, and she asked if I made any with the graham cracker crust if I could save one for you since they’re your favorite.”
“Well, I never got one, so clearly you didn’t,” Lisa grumbled.
“Have you possibly mentioned any of these things to her? Like, just off-handedly?” Tzuyu asked.
“No! I mean, sure, she’s asked me things about myself, but despite her love of food, we haven’t gone into favorite holiday treats or why Gino’s East has the best deep dish ever.” Eyes eager, her gaze flicked between Jennie and Tzuyu. “I… I really don’t know why she would just know any of this.”
“Well-”
“Whoa, hold on, you guys are spinning,” Jisoo interrupted, holding their hands up. “Look, I’m sorry, but just because she knows these things… well, that doesn’t mean she’s going to remember everything. I mean, I’m not saying she won’t, but what she’s remembered, in relation to the big picture… you have to admit that it’s a slim bet.”
Lisa sighed heavily, turning back to the short-haired ginger.
“That’s not why I’m-”
“But that does not mean it’s not possible,” Jennie zealously argued, eyes wide. “This could be a sign!”
“No, Jisoo’s right,” Tzuyu sighed. “And, it sucks, but… I mean, I thought you were okay with this, Manoban? I thought you were okay with the fact that Rosie wasn’t going to remember, and that this was your life now.”
“It’s not that. I… Goddamnit you guys, you all know that I love her more than anything in this world. I don’t care if she ever remembers anything. I’m not waiting for her to wake up one day and suddenly know every detail of the last seven years, because that’s not going to happen and that’s not why I’m here! That’s not why I brought any of this up! I just… fuck, I need to understand why she only forgot me. I mean, she could’ve forgotten anyone or anything else. And, I know she didn’t make the conscious decision to tag me out, but… well, I just… I thought, maybe, all of these little things… ugh, nevermind”
She sighed heavily, staring at her lap, and trying to calm herself back down as silence overtook the room for a long moment. She’d sworn she wasn’t going to get her hopes up and she’d done it anyway. She’d thought this might lead to an answer and it was most likely just a complete fluke. This was hopeless. There wasn’t an explanation.
Luck of the fucking draw.
“Hold on.” Somehow Jisoo’s voice sounded louder than normal within the four walls, startling the other three to quickly look at them. “You’re right, she didn’t make the conscious decision. And these things that she’s remembered, they may be small, and I’m not saying she’s going to remember everything-”
“I just said that’s not why I’m here!” Lisa interrupted. “She’s not getting her memory back!”
“But…” they continued unphased, their face thoughtful and pausing for so long that Lisa nearly fell off of her chair. “Maybe she’s not remembering things. Maybe she never forgot. What if… what if she couldn’t shut you completely out? What if something held on?”
“So because she has a fascination with food, she subconsciously held onto some of my eating habits? That’s ridiculous!”
“It’s not. And it’s not just the food. The chess and the waltzing… those were things you taught her. Things that were special because they were things the two of you shared.”
“We shared a lot of shit, Jisoo, come on!”
“Well, what about the painting thing?” Tzuyu asked, her face challenging.
“Again, I will reiterate that some artists share the same fucking style!”
“No, she was talking about one in particular, and if I remember correctly, it was one that got packed up for storage when you guys moved.”
“Well, maybe you’re confused,” she argued.
“No, I’m not. Besides, she always memorized everything you created, down the last detail, Manoban. She bragged about you to anyone who would listen. She was proud of you,” Tzuyu continued.
“What does her being proud of me have to do with any of this?” Lisa growled.
“Because she still is!” Tzuyu practically yelled. “That hasn’t changed! It didn’t go away!”
“Chou, generally people don’t forget when they’re proud of something! Again, I ask, why does this matter?”
“Ugh, you are such a pain in the ass.”
“Fine!” Jisoo interrupted before Lisa could snap back. “What about the t-shirt thing? You said she knows which shirt specifically to wear when she’s going to make a mess. But she used to steal all of your t-shirts constantly.”
“She still does,” Lisa shrugged. “Every day there’s like a fifty-fifty chance that she’ll put one on at some point just because. She’s worse about it now than she was before she got hurt.”
“Exactly! That habit didn’t stop with the accident. She showed up in a Johnny Cash one when she met Tzuyu and I for coffee like two weeks after she got out of the hospital. And that was when you guys were still in that weird limbo stage, you weren’t even ‘dating’ yet.”
“She said she accidentally put it on,” Lisa argued, trying to forget the warmth that moment had generated in her stomach all those months ago.
“So what about that fifty-fifty chance on the daily?” Jisoo countered with a small grin and Lisa sighed heavily as she rolled her eyes. “You know why she used to wear them, right?”
Lisa merely shrugged, looking around the room as all three gingers shook their heads in sync.
“We used to give her shit about it all the time,” Tzuyu laughed. “She couldn’t name a single song by the Ramones and her knowledge of The Smiths was pretty limited. But she’d always show up to meet us in these shirts. And she’d never cop to the real reason she was wearing them. It was always ‘laundry day’ or ‘a mistake’ or ‘she was in a hurry.’”
“She finally admitted one day, about a year ago, that it was because it made her feel closer to you,” Jennie said with a smile before motioning towards Jisoo and Tzuyu. “It made those two tease her even more, but… I personally thought it was very sweet.”
Lisa let that sit with her for a moment, as the thought had never occurred to her. It was a habit Rosie had had for as long as they’d lived together, and, as she’d always thought the shirts looked better on Rosie anyway, she never minded.
“I didn’t know that,” she finally said, her voice a little softer.
“Maybe the reason she’s doing it now more than ever is because the two of you have had this block between you,” Jisoo offered eagerly. “If this still makes her feel close to you, whether she realizes it or not, maybe it’s her way of getting back to what you guys had.”
Lisa shook her head and looked away, once again second guessing her choice to come here. As sweet as the thought was, she wanted answers about why, not theories on something that was impossible.
“Lisa, even those these things are small, maybe she didn’t block you out as much as you think,” Jisoo said. “Maybe Jen’s right. Maybe there’s a small chance that she’ll get some of her memories back. I mean, I’m not trying to get your hopes up but-”
“Jisoo, for the last time, that’s not why I’m here!”
“I know, but, Lisa, what if she didn’t really forget you? What if you’re still there, deep in the recesses of her mind, but she separated everything having to do with you out for some reason?”
“Which is exactly what I want to know!” she cried.
“But all these little things that have popped up…” Jisoo continued as if they hadn’t heard her. “The songs and the food and the little things she just knows about you… maybe it’s you slowly creeping back in. Maybe-”
“No! That’s… she may have somehow retained this handful of random things but they clearly don’t have anything to do with why I’m all that’s missing! She’s not going to remember! What part of that are you three lackwits not understanding?” she growled, running a frustrated hang through her hair. “I’m not here hoping for a damn miracle!”
“Ugh, fine, you’re here because want to understand why she only blocked you,” Jisoo sighed, folding their hands in front of them.
“Yes!”
“And we’ve clearly discovered that these things she does know were all positive associations with you. If she wanted to forget you, I’m assuming she would only remember bad things.”
“Like how obstinate and argumentative you can be,” Tzuyu added with a fake smile.
“Maybe you should go,” Lisa snarled.
“But as we’ve also established, dear, she didn’t want to forget you. She loved you, Lisa,” Jennie added pointedly.
“So if she didn’t want to forget me, then what?” She heard the desperation in her voice but she didn’t care anymore.
She saw Jennie and Tzuyu both shrug, obviously at a loss. But Jisoo… she watched the lightbulb slowly turn on behind her eyes, her face turning thoughtful as she swiveled towards her in her seat.
“Maybe it’s not anything you did or didn’t do, Lisa. Maybe something else was going on with her.”
“Like what?”
“Well, the day of the accident, did anything odd happen?”
“No,” Lisa answered, quickly replaying the day in her mind. “We talked on the phone that morning. It was a shorter conversation than normal because I was running late, but I promised I’d call her later after everything was done for the day. And then, later came and went, but I was still working so I didn’t call when I was supposed to. And she ended up calling me instead. I just never heard my phone ring, so I didn’t answer.”
“Did she leave a message or anything?”
“Um… yeah. Yeah, she was on her way home from the airport. She made a lame Rosie joke about my voicemail because she hadn’t heard it in months. And then she said she just wanted to hear my voice and that she loved me. And she hoped I was okay.”
“But did she sound upset or anything? Because when she called us, something was definitely wrong.”
“No, not upset, but… well, maybe kind of anxious,” she shrugged. “What do you mean something was wrong though?”
“Just, something was definitely off. She called us on her way home and we invited her over, remember, Jen?” Jennie just nodded. “And… she was talking about how sad she was and how much she missed you. She sounded absolutely miserable.”
“That’s right. I do remember her being far more morose about not seeing you than normal,” Jennie added.
“Well, she’s never been super fond of us being apart. But what does that have to do with anything?” Lisa asked, desperately glancing back and forth between the two.
“Well, maybe it was more than just being apart,” Jisoo said, working through whatever puzzle was forming in their brain. “What about while she was gone? Anything weird?”
“No. She seemed fine and we had the same routine as always.”
“Okay, keep going back. Anything unusual the day before the trip?”
“No, nothing. She… well, I was already awake when she woke up that morning. She… convinced me to come back to bed, and we stayed there pretty much all day.”
“Gross.”
“And there was nothing at all out of the ordinary? The whole day?” Jisoo continued, ignoring Tzuyu’s side commentary.
“I mean… she did seem a little more antsy than normal as the day wore on. But I just figured it was because of the trip. That week was the first time we were both going to be out of town in over a year, and it was the longest we were going to go without seeing each other in… well, I honestly can’t remember.”
“Are you sure?” they pressed.
“What in the hell are you getting at, Jisoo?” she cried, the irritation seeping into her voice.
“Just something was going on the day of the accident. She may have been fine when you talked to her that morning, but from then until she called us, something had gotten under her skin,” they answered eagerly. “So between that and being antsy the day before the trip, obviously something was up. What… What about the day she left for the trip? Did she say anything to you or do anything odd?”
Lisa looked away, her brow furrowed in concentration, trying to remember Rosie’s exact words from that day.
“She had an early flight so I walked her down to the car. I’d just loaded her suitcase into the trunk and she grabbed ahold of me. She said she’d miss me and that she loved me and then she kissed me. And…” She paused, trying to remember anything else. “She told me to drive safe. She wanted me to take the jeep down instead of the bike but-”
“Oh my god… that’s…” Jisoo trailed off, her eyes widening just so as the final pieces clicked into place.
“What?” she pleaded, a sudden uncomfortable weight settling in her chest.
“That accident on the highway this past spring! The one that scared the absolute crap out of her!”
Lisa swallowed hard and looked away as she thought back, remembering the utter chaos she’d come home to.
It was mid-May and she’d been out of town once again for work. She was only going to be gone for two days so it wasn’t a super long, drawn out goodbye between her and Rosie, and the brief time they’d been apart, they talked and texted just like always.
She’d gone to the shoot the second day, realizing too late that she hadn’t fully charged her phone, a rookie mistake in her fiancée’s book. But she’d been able to fire off a quick text to the blonde just as she was getting on the road that afternoon, letting her know she was on her way. She’d thought nothing of it after that, simply driving along, looking forward to her own bed next to the woman she loved that night. And she was making pretty good time, or she was until she hit a small snag on the highway back. It had taken hours to get through the mangled mess of traffic, and she knew Rosie would probably be worried that it had taken her far longer than it should have. But she never expected to come home, open the door, and find their house full of all of their friends, and Rosie in full on panic mode.
The blonde had immediately ran to her as the door shut, wrapping herself around her fully as the tears had started to stream down her face. Carefully putting her own arms around the blonde, she looked around at the relieved faces of their friends, thoroughly confused.
“Good to see you too, cutie.”
“Where in the hell have you been?” Rosie demanded, finally pulling away but still gripping tightly to her t-shirt, her teary eyes furious, teeth clenched.
“There was a lot of traffic on the way back.”
“And your phone is turned off because…?” she pushed.
“Ugh, I forgot to charge it. It died not long after I told you I was leaving. I didn’t think it would be a big deal though.”
“You jerk! I thought… I thought…” But she gave up, her arms desperately winding around Lisa’s waist once again, leaving a trail of tears into the shoulder of her shirt as she sobbed.
Once more, she looked up to their friends, who all looked a little upset as well, but also, somehow relieved.
‘What’s going on?’ she mouthed in their direction, hoping someone would fill her in.
“The traffic was from a pretty nasty accident,” Jisoo said quietly as she pulled Jennie close. “And… there was a bike involved. Same make as yours.”
“Oh.” She looked around, now understanding the worry but… Isn’t this taking it a bit too far , she thought as she looked from one set of frightened eyes to the next. “Well, I mean, I’m sorry, but-”
“There were multiple fatalities,” Ryujin interrupted, her voice angry. “It’s been all over the news for hours.”
“And she hasn’t been able to get ahold of you,” Eunwoo added softly.
Oh shit.
“Fuck. Rosie, I’m sorry,” she said, pulling back just enough to look into the other girl’s red rimmed eyes, the guilt at that moment ripping viciously into her gut. “I’m so sorry, Chaeng-ie. I swear I didn’t know and… oh god, come here.” She pulled the blonde back in, holding tight as Rosie’s tears continued to fall.
Rosie had clung to her that whole night and most of the next day, still furious and spouting off this and that before wrapping herself around her, and burying her face back into Lisa’s neck, unwilling to let go despite her anger.
Lisa had felt horrible for scaring the blonde, but she hadn’t done it on purpose. And she honestly hadn’t thought of it again after a few days had passed. She’d gotten a charging station installed on the bike, at Rosie’s insistence, and things had slowly returned to normal.
“She hung up with us like five minutes before that truck hit her car. And she said that she’d just tried to get ahold of you, but you didn’t answer. She… she sounded worried,” Jisoo said, sagging ever so slightly into their chair.
“But she knew where I was!” Suddenly that weight in her chest tripled, nearly pulling her down to the floor as it descended.
“It scared her, Lisa. And I didn’t think about it when she called but… the way she was talking…”
“What?” Lisa pressed. “What did she say?”
“She knew she was being dramatic, but she wanted to get it out. She said something about how she didn’t know what she’d do without you. That she didn’t know how she’d live without you. And something about… ugh, what did she say, Jen?”
“That she never wanted to know a world without you in it,” Jennie answered quietly, her own eyes sad.
Jesus.
“So what does that mean? She… she blocked me out because she was scared of losing me?!” The idea was so completely farfetched, and yet…
“Lisa, she was terrified something had happened to you earlier this year. And if that was in her mind at the time, if she was really that worried about losing you, it’s possible that that’s why you’re the only one she’s missing.”
“Jisoo, that makes absolutely no sense!”
“Yes, it does! Traumatic events have an impact. A big one. I’ve been reading about this stuff for months now and, dammit, why didn’t I see this before?”
“See what?”
“That whole thing… last spring and her thinking she lost you and worrying about you since then any time you took the bike out… if that fear caused the disassociation, then that’s it! By the time she woke up in the hospital, you were gone from her mind!”
But… no… I…
“And,” Jisoo continued, her voice much softer, “I mean, that whole thing… Lisa, we know how much you love her. And we know that no one in this world knows her better than you. I just… I don’t think you realize just how much it scared her.”
“But… I mean, she was fine after a few days,” she argued. This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t be the reason Rosie had been put in this position.
“How many times did you guys take the bike out this summer?” Tzuyu asked quietly.
“I mean, not a lot but… well, we were busy with work… and the wedding and… fuck.”
How had she not noticed this before? Sure, Rosie hadn’t been a huge fan of the bike when she’d initially gotten it a little over two years earlier, but she’d slowly come around. And after Lisa had finally convinced her to come along for a ride a few weeks after she’d purchased it, Rosie had held tight to her waist and laughed loudly the entire time. The blonde still gave her guff about it from time to time, but was never quick to turn down a ride during those gorgeous sunny days.
The previous summer’s rides had greatly dwindled in frequency, and looking back, Lisa had noticed that Rosie hadn’t laughed as often as they took the twists and turns. But she still kept their bodies pressed together at every juncture and held tight. Sometimes…
Too tight. Oh god, she got hurt and…
“This is all my fault,” she said, her voice almost inaudible.
“Lisa, no! That’s not what I’m saying at all! I just meant the thought of losing you earlier this year absolutely terrified her. Between keeping that worry inside and getting hurt, it might’ve made the perfect storm,” Jisoo said, eyes eager. “I just… you wanted to know why. This could be it.”
“Dammit, why didn’t I just agree to take the fucking jeep!” Lisa growled, completely ignoring the argument. She stomped off of her stool, pacing back and forth from one end of the kitchen to the other, fists clenched at her sides, jaw taut in anger. “I did this.”
“Come now, Lisa, you can’t blame yourself for this.”
“But if I’d have just-”
“Manoban, you didn’t do this!” Tzuyu stepped in, eyes hard, stopping Lisa in her tracks as she met them. “Yes, she was worried about you. And yes, that whole thing this past spring scared the absolute shit out of her. But you didn’t do anything to hurt her. It… it was an accident.”
“Yeah, an accident that I completely ignored how she felt about!” She grabbed onto the counter, eyes downcast, knuckles tight.
You broke her. You broke her!
“Lisa, stop! Look, this may or not be it,” Jisoo argued. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s happened… it’s done. And yes, it’s unfortunate that she lost the last seven years of her life with you. But, I mean, come on. You’ve been next to her every step of the way since! You haven’t given up on her! I know it’s hard but-”
“She’s worth it,” Lisa interrupted. “She will always be worth it.”
And that was true. Rosie was the love of her life and she’d do anything for her for as long as she could.
But that’s not true. She asked you not to take the bike. She asked you more times than you can count and you ignored her! she thought as she stared down at her fists, pushing down the ache that had taken over her entire body. If you just would’ve listened, you wouldn’t be in this mess! And you wouldn’t have hurt her. It’s all your fault.
***
Present
“Are you okay?” Lisa asked quietly from where she leaned against the corner of the wall on the other side of the room. She watched Rosie, sitting on the couch, staring down at her hands, looking so small and…
Hurt. You hurt her again.
Rosie had stayed quiet the entire time, which was more than surprising. And it worried her. A quiet Roseanne Park was never a good thing. She’d expected questions at rapid fire and angry accusations. Maybe even some good old fashioned yelling. But, now that the story was done, and she’d admitted everything, the silence was unnerving her even more.
“Rosie…?”
She watched the blonde close her eyes, her fingers clenching back and forth in front of her.
Heaving a deep sigh, she pushed herself off the corner of the wall and slowly moved further into the room, edging closer and closer before carefully sitting on the trunk in front of the blonde, leaning in but not touching.
“Rosie… I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about going to your friends,” she said, her voice remorseful. “I wasn’t trying to hide this or anything like that. All these little things that you’ve remembered, I thought maybe there was a connection. And I went to them because I thought they might know something that I didn’t. I just…”
“You just what?” she asked quietly, eyes refusing to meet Lisa’s.
“I just wanted to try and find some answers first before I approached you about it. And… I didn’t want you to find out about it from them. I asked that they let me talk to you first. I should’ve known they couldn’t keep their damn mouths shut. But… either way…”
She watched the blonde blink slowly, her jaw clenching tightly, but staying silent.
“Look, I know I’m a shit and I should’ve just told you right from the get go. I… I’m sorry. For everything. It’s… it’s all my fault,” she trailed off, looking away, guilty.
“That’s… no, it’s not all your fault,” Rosie quietly countered.
Lisa’s gaze quickly moved back, eyes eager, her heartrate speeding up.
“Or… at least me losing my memory isn’t.”
What?!
“What does that mean?” she asked nervously. It was all her fault.
“Lisa,” she started, her voice uneven. She cleared her throat once before trying again. “I understand why you have these questions. I understand that you just want some answers.”
“I do! But that didn’t give me the right to go about it the way that I did,” she argued.
“You’re right, it didn’t.”
Oh fuck.
She watched as Rosie finally looked up, her eyes a combination of hurt and fury, and Lisa felt it hit right in the center of her chest.
“It…” Rosie started once again, taking a deep breath. “It seems you’ve been going about a few things the wrong way lately.”
And suddenly, this wasn’t just about the accident anymore. There was more here that she wasn’t seeing.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, her brow furrowing as she felt her own defenses start to kick in. Yes, she’d screwed up. She was the reason they were in this mess to begin with and she’d gone behind Rosie’s back looking for answers. But she’d been trying so hard to do right by her girlfriend for months now!
“My friends didn’t tell me about today. I didn’t know you went to see them. I haven’t even talked to any of them in… days.”
“Oh! Okay, well… look, I get that you’re pissed now, and rightfully so,” she said eagerly. “But, then why were you upset when you got home?”
“Because I did run into someone this afternoon.”
“Yeah?” She quickly wracked her brain, trying to come up with anything else she could’ve possibly done that would deserve the true Roseanne Park Wrath that was sitting on the horizon.
“Emily Garner…”
She felt her brow furrow even deeper as she stared back into those furious brown eyes, her confusion growing.
“And…?”
Rosie’s sigh echoed into the room as she shook her head and looked away.
“I obviously didn’t know who she was right away. She… she looked kind of familiar, but I just couldn’t place her. So… go ahead and add that to the list of ‘weird crap Rosie remembers but can’t figure out,’” she snipped.
And another blow.
“Rosie, come on, that’s… Chaeng, I’m not keeping score here,” she tried, hating how hard the blonde’s gaze was. “I only went to your friends because I wanted to find out why I’m all that’s gone.”
“I know. And again, I understand that, but…” She trailed off once more, looking down at her hands, still tight in her lap. “Today, she um… she said you’d called to postpone the wedding. And then-”
“Originally, yeah, I did,” she eagerly interrupted. “But then I called her and told it was off. I… I’m sorry. I know I should’ve canceled everything right away. I just, I don’t know. I thought we might still-”
“Lisa, that’s not what I’m getting at,” she said, her voice frighteningly even. “I can understand why you initially called to say we might need more time. And, honestly, I can even understand canceling everything. I mean, even if that’s where we want to end up someday, we have a lot of ground to cover first. I just…” She watched the blonde’s gaze move up to hers, the storm behind her eyes brewing larger and larger with each second that ticked by. “When did you call her?”
Why the hell does this matter?
Lisa hadn’t come to the decision lightly. She’d fought herself about it since she’d initially pushed the wedding back. But it was a decision she had to make. Rosie wasn’t ready for anything, including getting married, and though it was a hard pill to swallow, it was one she had to accept.
“The first time was before you came home from the hospital,” she answered, her posture sagging, head falling, eyes downcast. “I thought that maybe you just needed some time. That if your memory came back, we could always try to go with the original plan, but just in case…”
“And the second call?” Rosie pushed after she trailed off.
The moment of silence that followed seemed to stretch on for far longer than necessary, the quiet around them strained and tense, ready to shatter at the smallest misstep.
“It was the day after you bolted,” Lisa finally answered, her voice defeated. “After you ran to Jisoo and Jennie’s.”
“So, I was conscious for both,” Rosie said, her tone mocking.
“What?” She snapped her gaze back to the blonde, suddenly finding her own anger fighting to the surface. “Rosie, what the hell are you getting at here?”
I did the right thing and now I’m getting shit for it?
“And when you called her…” she continued, ignoring the question. “You told her the wedding was off. And you told her that we were over,” Rosie said, her voice breaking ever so slightly on that last word.
“I don’t remember the conversation word for word, Rosie,” she answered, shrugging. And that was the truth. She’d lost the love of her life and she was heartbroken. “It wasn’t the most pleasant phone call I’ve ever made.”
“But you said it,” Rosie pressed.
“Yeah,” she sighed. “I said that the wedding wasn’t going to happen. I mean, it wasn’t. It’s not.”
Another moment of silence passed, somehow even more charged, a bomb just waiting to explode.
“Look, I don’t want to make this worse. I know that I messed up that day. I know running out was a terrible mistake and that it only made things between us more complicated. And, I know I hurt you, and I hate that I did. But… I just… I can’t believe you did this,” she said with an incredulous huff.
“You can’t believe I did what?”
“You just quit,” Rosie said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I had not quit!” she countered, eyes earnest.
“Yes, you did. And… you did it all without ever saying a word to me. That’s… that’s why I’m upset,” she said, her tone once again even and lifelessness. “You didn’t talk to me.”
“What was I supposed to say?” Lisa asked with her own huff, gaze skeptical.
“I don’t know. How about ‘hey, Rosie, you know how people keep saying that I’m your fiancée? Well, we need to talk about that.’”
She felt her eyes roll as she shook her head, doing everything she could to keep herself in check.
“Rosie, you ran out of the house because you freaked out and wanted to get away from me.”
“I didn’t want to get away from you! But I needed to figure out how I felt about all of this and how in the hell I was going to get through it. How I was going to get to the point to tell you that even though I still wanted you, I needed more time.”
“Well, then I did you a favor. I canceled the wedding and gave you time,” she said, her voice taking on that gruff tone she so rarely used with the blonde.
“That’s not… ugh, no. That’s not the same thing, Lisa. Look, again, I know we are not ready to get married. That’s not why I’m upset. I just… was it really that easy for you to just give up and never say anything?” she pleaded.
“I wasn’t giving up! Rosie, you had no feelings for me.”
“That’s not true! I did have feelings for you and you know it!”
The volume of their voices continued to rise with each trade-off, the mutual annoyance growing with each exchange.
“Rosie, you had an innocent little crush on me,” she finally scoffed. “That does not a fiancée make.”
“You are infuriating!”