Part IV - Second Chances
"Mommy?" I see a little boy call out from the doorway making my mother practically leaped from her seat.
I give Lana a distressed look as I felt a combination of anxiety, fear, and rage course through me. Lana softens her eyes, as they told me to relax.
A few seconds later, Alexis murmured to the little boy and lead him outside of the living room, before she walked back to me.
"Alina," she pleads with her eyes closed, her whole body betraying her as if this was the moment she was dreading.
"How old is he?" I ask before she could say anything after swallowing the lump in my throat as I sat there unmoving.
"He's turning four next-" she says and I felt my heart fall to the pit of my stomach.
"You've got to be kidding me," I scoff, shading my rage with sarcasm as I get up from the couch. "Get up, we're leaving."
"Alina, please just let me explain!" she urges as tears ran down her face.
"Explain what?" I exclaim trying to my tears at bay. "How you got pregnant the moment I left? How you kept me in the dark completely after you built another life for yourself?"
"I've been trying to get you here for years!" she exclaims.
"Don't you fucking dare pin this on me," I say, my eyes flashing with rage. "Instead of calling me to say Merry Christmas, you could've told me! So, stop feeding me your excuses, I'm sick of them!"
"You couldn't have me around because of dad but you didn't have a problem fucking someone else, didn't you?" I say my voice full of anger.
"Alina," Lana warns softly, her hands on my forearm, making me realize that I had gone too far.
jesus christ
"No, she's right," she says, making me look up at her, shocked.
she would never admit she was wrong
She walks toward me standing in front of me, her eyes still glassy, "I know whatever I say will only sound like more excuses. I was selfish. Selfish for not telling you about him sooner, selfish for putting my needs over yours, when I shouldn't have," her voice gets caught up in her throat. "I thought that if I told you about him, you wouldn't come back. That you'd hate me more than you already do."
excuses
"I never hated you mom," I say and I see her expression soften as if it were something she doubted.
"Alina, I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you," she says, causing my eyes to shift back to me hers. "You're my daughter. I don't want to lose you."
"I'd like to start over," her eyes pleading. "If possible."
"Can I meet him?" I ask, completely ignoring her request.
She wipes her tears hurriedly, "Y-yes, of course," she continues as she walks out of the living room.
I turn to Lana and rest my head on her shoulder, wanting her to tell me not to let her back in so easily but she didn't. She just held me in her arms without saying a word.
I pull away from her after I heard Alexis come back with, my half-brother?
"Honey, go say hello to the girls over there," she murmurs to him from the doorway before he shyly walks towards us.
I couldn't help the small smile that formed on my face as he carried himself toward us, cuteness radiating off him.
I crouched down to his level, as he stood there shyly waiting for me to start the conversation.
"Hi buddy," I say softly as I hold his little hands in mine. "What's your name?" I ask, attempting to shake up the conversation.
"Hudson," he says over pronouncing the syllables, making goosebumps rise on my skin.
"You named him-" I look up at my mother, and she gives me a warm smile with a nod as she continues to wipe away her tears, then to Lana.
after my dad
"You're very handsome, Hudson," I say as I wipe away the blue pigment of what seems like paint on his face.
"I know," he giggles making us all chuckle. "You look like mommy," he continues as he places his hand on my face, grabbing my nose.
"I do?" I ask as I look up to my mother before shifting my gaze back to him and he nods enthusiastically.
Alexis walks toward us and places a hand on top of his head, "That's because Alina is your big sister sweetie."
"I have a sister?" he says with his face lightened up.
Kids never ask how or why because, in the end, complicated histories are uninteresting to their young minds.
"You got the best one out there," she says as she crouched down next to me. "The kind that will always be there for you, and take care of you," she continues, looking at me this time.
"Can I get a hug?" he asks shyly.
I open my arms wide and he falls right into me as I tightly wrapped my arms around his tiny figure. I felt myself melting into him rather than him into me.
"I'll go get Nana," Alexis says leaving the living room before Hudson and I break away slowly.
"Who's that?" he asks, pointing at Lana.
I stand up and lead him to the couch, and have him sit between us.
"She's a...friend," I say, looking at Lana then back to him. "A special friend."
"Can she be my friend too?" he asks.
"Can you?" I ask Lana with a smile.
"Of course I can," she says before extending her hands to him. "I'm Lana."
"Lana," he tries out her name on his tongue. "I'm Hudson," he says confidently takes a hold of her hand.
"Nice to meet you, Hudson," she says formally making him giggle.
"My sweet girl," I hear her voice and my heart jumps.
"Nana, I made new friends!" he exclaims as he runs toward her.
"Let's go meet them, shall we?" Nana says as she led him back into the living room.
I rush toward her and wrap my arms around her tightly as she squeezed me, I heard her sniff.
I break our embrace and swipe along her tears, "Don't cry, Nana, I'm right here," I say holding back my own tears with a chuckle.
"My baby's all grown up," she says softly, before her gaze falls behind me. "Robert's girl is here too?"
how did she even recognize her?
"Yeah," I smile as Lana gets up on her feet and my grandmother surprises her by wrapping her in a tight embrace, similar to mine.
My grandmother moved in with us when my father passed away, so she was always a major part of my childhood. When my mother kicked me out, she offered to cover all of my expenses until I was able to get back on my feet.
6:49 p.m.
We sat there talking about the latest in our lives before Lana had to excuse herself to take a call.
"Are you still with Mac?" Nana asks.
"Noo," I say as pick up the glass of water from the coffee table. "We broke up three years ago," I continue seeing her eyes widen in disbelief.
"Wow, that's a long time," she says, shocked.
"Yeah," I say before I take a sip of the water.
"You're so beautiful. You're not single, are you?" she asks squinting her eyes with a sly smile, realizing that I wasn't still hung up on my ex.
I see Lana make her way back to the living room, giving me a smile before Hudson urges for her attention.
"I mean," I smile, shyly.
"Allie," she teases as she playfully punches my shoulder, making me chuckle as I comtinued to watch the interaction between my girlfriend and little brother.
Nana shifts her gaze to them then back to me after she realized the implication from my smile. She gasps as she noticed who was reason behind my wide grin.
"Is it..." she asks with a sweet smile and I nod. "I can't believe it."
"Trust me, neither do I," I chuckle. "She's...she's just so good to me Nana," I finally say as I struggle to find the right word before I rest my head against her chest.
she's everything to me
"Don't you let her go, honey," she advises before she plants a kiss on top of my head, wrapping her arm around me. "If she really makes you happy. Hold her tight."
"I will," I say softly.
"She's really pretty too," she continues as she strokes my hair.
"She really is, isn't she?" I say as I look at her with a subconscious smile on my lips.
Alexis saves Lana from Hudson as she takes over his attention using food. Lana gets off the carpet and walks toward me and Nana on the couch.
"Hey," I say with a smile as she takes a seat next to me.
"What'd I miss?" she says as she leans back into the couch casually.
"Nana calling you pretty," I say with a smile causing her to blush a little.
"You never blush when I tell you these things," I say, feeling offended.
"You're not doing it right," Nana whispers over my head, making me roll my eyes.
"Ready to go?" I ask Lana after I take a glance at my watch.
7:16 p.m.
"Leaving so soon?" Nana asks a little disappointed.
"We fly out really early tomorrow," I say. "I'll come visit as much as I can, I promise. For real this time."
"Don't worry, sweetheart," she says as we stand up from the couch. "Don't be too long, he'll miss you," she continues pointing her head in Hudson's direction.
"I will miss him more," I say genuinely, smiling at him from afar, unaware of how I became attached to the sweetest little creature in only a couple of hours. "I'll miss you too," I continue as I take in her embrace.
"Take good care of yourself, honey," she says next to my ear.
"I will," I say as I hug her tightly.
"She really is trying this time," she says in a low voice, talking about my mother. "And this is coming from me."
Nana never agreed with any of my mother's actions toward me. She was more of a mother to me than Alexis ever was.
After saying our goodbyes to Nana and Hudson, with promises of more visits.
"Alexis-" I say pointing over my shoulder toward the front door with my thumb, wanting her to show me out.
"Thank you, Alexis," Lana says politely as she walks out the front door.
"You're welcome, it was lovely seeing you," Alexis tells Lana with a soft smile.
"You too," Lana smiles. "I'll start up the car yeah?" she tells me before she walks down the porch and I give her a nod.
Here comes the wave of of awkwardness once again as I stood on the entrance mat.
"I know you didn't come to New York for me," she says softly. "But if you ever come again, let it be for him," she continues, motioning behind her.
"Mother, I want you to promise me," I start, her eyes inquisitive. "Promise me that you'll never treat him the way you treated me."
"Al-"
"Promise me," I urge.
"I-I promise," she says, assured, as if it was already a given and made me relieved.
tell her you forgive her
"I'll come visit soon," I say, backing out, but she nods, accepting her fate.
I paused for a moment before cautiously leaning in wanting to feel what it was like to be in her arms again.
She flung her arms around my neck as soon as she sensed I was about to hug her, like she had been waiting all night.
As she clutched my neck tightly, I heard her soft cries, which provoked my own tears, the ones I concealed for the moment I saw her again; a few tears slid down my face as I closed my eyes.
If I said I didn't feel warm and loved in her embrace, I'd be lying. That anyone, could easily fill her shoes, but no one can. Because, at the end of the day, a mother's embrace lingers long after she lets go, the smell of my childhood emanated off her.
She caressed my face after we'd backed away. I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch, resenting the fact that I was still attached to her. This time, I'm hoping it will stick.
"I love you so much," she says with tears still running down her face. "My beautiful baby."
"Thank you mom," I say as I gently move her hand away from my face and take a step backwards. "We'll speak soon," I continue with a half smile, and she nods.
I walk down the porch toward Lana's car, praying I had done the right thing.
I had done everything but forgive her
I silently got into the car, my mind racing at a thousand miles per hour.
"Everything okay?" Lana asks after a few seconds of silence, stroking my thigh.
"Yeah," I force out a smile, not wanting to get into it before thinking it through first.
I discovered after a silent trip back to her penthouse that I not only look like my mother, but also act like her.
"This is way too quiet," Lana say as she wraps her arms around my waist while I was packing my bag. "Even for you."
"Can I ask you something?" I ask as I clutch her hands and turn to face her.
"Anything," she says as she puts a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"Why did you forgive me?" I ask.
"What do you mean?" she asks, perplexed.
"I mean, yeah you broke up with me," I say, seeing her face still as confused. "But why did you forgive me? I wasn't honest with you, I didn't tell you I was moving as if you're opinion didn't matter, when it did-" I ramble but she interrupts me, cupping my face.
"Why are you bringing this up?" she asks, holding my face in place.
"I just want to know," I say impatiently, looking down. "How could you be so forgiving?" I continue with my eyes furrowed moving away from her.
"I shouldn't have been?" she asks, a little taken aback. "Where's this coming from?"
"Alexis!" I say, looking back at her. "I've had a brother for three years and she didn't even bother to tell me!"
"And she expects me to forgive her?" I say, now thinking out loud as I walk back and forth in the living room. "After everything she did."
"You didn't forgive her," Lana states., acknowledging that I haven't. "Why?"
"Because she doesn't deserve forgiveness," I say absentmindedly. "And neither did I," I continue, looking up at her.
"Is this how you felt when you found out I was leaving and didn't tell you?" I say, starting to ramble. "Betrayed? Hurt. Fucking enraged," I sigh, listing my emotions.
"Yes, all of the above," she says firmly, pulling me away from my thoughts. "I wasn't going to forgive you."
"What changed?" I ask, curious, hoping how she dealt with me would help me deal with my mother.
"I loved you," she says softly. "I don't know if it was the right thing— forgiving you. But I gave you a chance, because I knew you deserved it."
"Did you mean to hurt me?" she asks.
"Of course not," I say.
"You made a mistake," Lana says as she approached me. "People make mistakes."
"If you still love her after everything she put you through," she says as she held my hands in here. "Then you'll forgive her."
"And if she really loved you," she continues. "She'd never waste the second chance given to her."
"Forgiveness is earned," she continues. "Not given."
"Did I earn it?" I ask, jumping back to our relationship.
"Yes," she smile as she caresses my cheek.
I wrap my arms around her, resting my chin on her shoulder, contemplating her words. Maybe seconds chances aren't as bad as I'm making it out to be.
If it weren't for second chances, I wouldn't be wrapped in her arms right now. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I wasted the second chance that had been given to me.
because I knew I was wrong.
I break away from her embrace and cup her face before passionately connecting our lips together.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," I whisper against her lips. "I love you," I say desperately before I takeover her lips once more.
12:19 a.m.
I laid there in the dark with Lana in a deep slumber beside me, as I hovered over the keyboard in the conversation between my mother and I.
A: I love you too
I send the text and switch my phone off before I curl up into a ball, draping my arms over Lana's exposed belly, waiting for sleep to consume me.
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