▪︎▪︎▪︎》in which haruto is still hung up over his ex and wonders why they broke up
ships: harukyu (romantic), mashikyu, harusahi, haruhwan, sukhoon
genres: angst, romcom
|without you|
NOT A SINGLE DAY went by without Haruto dutifully stalking his ex's Instagram page. Who was he seeing? Did he hang out with anyone lately? Was he happier without him? It made him feel sick to the stomach to see any updates about him, but it was even worse when he received no news.
The questions and the wondering would eat him alive someday, he was sure of it.
"Snap out of it," Asahi sighed as he noticed his friend refreshing the same page over and over again. "You are literally residing on his Instagram page at this point, and I promise he's not doing the same thing for you."
Haruto glanced at his co-worker and friend who had a hot chocolate on one hand and some marshmallows on the other. No matter what time it was, Asahi always needed his drink to get on with his busy day at their company.
"Good afternoon to you too, Asahi," he sarcastically greeted.
Asahi hid his smile. "You seem grumpy as usual. Should I have brought you a hot chocolate?"
It was Haruto's turn to sigh. He roughly threw his phone on the marketing team's table and collected his belongings. "It would be no use because I'm taking the rest of the day off. I can't concentrate on marketing strategies when my boyfriend's posting lovey-dovey pictures with another man."
He stopped himself, wondering what was wrong with his sentence. His heart ached once more when he cleared his throat and corrected himself.
"Sorry. I meant my ex."
Asahi looked at him with a mixture of compassion and pity. This conversation felt vaguely familiar to him, like déjà-vu.
Thoughout the last four months and eleven days (he didn't count but Haruto did and constantly reminded him of it), which was ever since Haruto and Junkyu's legendary breakup that everyone in the company secretly gossiped about, his co-worker had no motivation to do anything.
He looked and acted entirely like a zombie. He thought it would just be a phase, but he wasn't sure anymore.
Haruto shook his head when he understood the direction of Asahi's thoughts. "Stop it. Stop feeling sorry for me or worrying about my well-being, okay? I'm all good. I'll move on soon, to someone better. And I'll show him what he's missing."
"Ruto-"
"Have a nice day," Haruto interrupted him before storming out of the office room like he was running away from something life-threatening.
Asahi stared after him. His throat felt tight as he shared his friend's pain. Move on? Those seemed like empty words and wishful thinking from his friend-since-birth Haruto.
Granted, Asahi had never been in love, not yet, but he could imagine the way his friend felt for all these years and the heartbreak that inevitably followed his break-up. Coming out of a relationship was already bad enough, but make it a long-term one and it would be the cherry on the sundae.
He shook his head and sat down on the chair, ready to continue Haruto's unfinished marketing plan. He needed to carry the company he shared with Haruto and he was okay with it.
For now at least.
Until his partner got a grip of himself.
《○○○》
Later, the sun was setting as Haruto decided to come home. He was twenty-three years old by now, but he still lived in his family's luxurious residence. His parents had insisted that he stayed in their main house as a tradition, until he got married and would naturally have to move out. Which, regarding the recent events, wouldn't happen anytime soon.
He never thought it was an inconvenience. After all, his family gave him the famous and well-liked technology company he owned with his best friend Asahi. He wanted to be a good son and thank them.
Of course, there were frequent nights on which he preferred to stay out, especially when he was still with Junkyu and crashed at the latter's place, but he always ended up going back to the prestigious Watanabe Residence on the next day. He sometimes brought Junkyu home to introduce his (used to be) boyfriend to his family. However, his family had never been a fan of visitors, so he didn't bring him home often.
Junkyu was okay with it. He understood how much family meant to Haruto and had always been courteous with the latter's family members although the energy wasn't always quite returned. However, Junkyu was always so understanding and selfless-
Haruto shook his head in disappointment when he realized he was (once again) lost in his thoughts about his ex.
"He's the one who broke up with you," he mumbled underneath his breath, dragging his feet toward the kitchen to grab some snack. "He's anything but selfless."
He couldn't keep living like that. He needed a distraction and quickly. Or else, he would go crazy.
"Did you work late hours again, my son?" His mom queried in a slightly worried voice as Haruto passed by the kitchen. The long-haired woman was busy making sushi for their supper. "Don't overwork. You seem so stressed these days!"
Not because of work. Definitely not because of work.
Was he even still working these days? His staring into space couldn't possibly be considered as working.
With his lack of concentration, he wasn't even updated on the company's latest news; Asahi took care of all of it and Haruto trusted him enough to not question his partner's decisions. So, instead, he just ambled around into the city, mostly by himself. To reflect, to feel something, he didn't know. Some soul searching.
"Thanks mom. I'm fine, so you don't need to worry," he said sweetly.
"Alright. Don't forget to accept your friend Jihoon's wedding invitation!" His mom reminded him in a sing-song voice. "Him and Hyunsuk must be so excited!"
Haruto's mood instantly got brighter until he heard his mom's next words.
"You'll probably need to find a wedding date soon..." His mom added the next words hesitantly. She was walking on eggshells. Was it okay to mention dates yet, more than four months after the legendary break-up? "Tell me if you need help finding someone. I know some very nice-suited Japanese girls."
Haruto recoiled, his mouth tightening.
He was unhappy at the thought of having a date, especially one of those well-suited Japanese girls that his mom always said hi to at big gatherings his family irrevocably attended. It was like his mom couldn't fully grasp the idea that he would never get married to one of them. Never get married to any girls in general, speaking truthfully. He couldn't even imagine it.
"It's okay, mom," Haruto quickly denied her request before she could make any rushed plans. "I will... I will find a way to make it work."
"You can't go without a wedding date," his mom insisted. She had an evident frown on, which scared Haruto a little.
"I will. Have a nice evening, mom." He bowed and walked out of the kitchen.
There was no way he could miss Jihoon's wedding.
Jihoon was one of his best friends throughout high school and would literally postpone his own wedding if Haruto couldn't go. Haruto wouldn't be this cruel to his good friend.
The only problem...
Jihoon was one of Junkyu's best friends too. They had him as mutual friend, having spent half of their lives together. There was a high chance - to not say a certainty - that Junkyu would also show up at Jihoon's wedding.
What to do? Was he strong enough to face Junkyu again? He didn't even see his shadow after their breakup, which was four months ago. Worse, would Junkyu show up with a date?
Again, he felt sick thinking about it.
Speaking of the devil, the phone rang. Caller ID, Park Jihoon.
"Yobuseyo?" He spoke into the phone in a teasing voice, although he knew very well the person on the other line.
An enthusiastic laugh was heard on the other line. "Ruto-ssi! I have news for you. You received the invitation to my summer wedding, right? I just wanted to tell you that you are gonna be one of my best men!"
Haruto gasped in surprise. "Jihoon! Are you serious? Aren't you gonna choose one of your brothers?"
Jihoon grinned widely on the other side of the line, although Haruto couldn't see it. "Family's great and all that, but I wanted my friends as my best men for this occasion. Remember when we were talking about our future weddings back in high school, making scenarios in our heads and empty promises? It's gonna happen!"
"This is such an honor. I'm really speechless. Thank you!"
"I have organized fittings for the tuxedos. You know the amazing shop Tuxedos & Love, right? Down the street where your company with Asahi is."
Haruto stifled a laugh. "Of course, Hoon. Don't forget I myself own a successful company. I can probably name all the businesses in this city one by one with their opening dates, if you want."
"I don't doubt! Anyways, your fitting is scheduled to be on Wednesday next week. Is it okay with you?"
"Ha, looks like I'd have to miss it. Can't break away from my company," he rolled his eyes playfully, obviously joking. He absentmindedly walked toward his room on the second floor. "Of course it's fine, Hoon! I make my own schedule with work, remember? What time would be best?"
Jihoon replied, "5pm", before he fell into a deep silence.
For the first few seconds, Haruto didn't think much of it. However, as time stretched on and especially when his friend cleared his throat awkwardly, he knew something was up.
Jihoon was hiding something that he thought would be a sensitive subject, and he would be right. Haruto sighed. They both knew exactly where this conversation would lead to. It was inevitable. He needed to prepare himself mentally.
"Just say it," Haruto pleaded as he rubbed his forehead. "What about Junkyu?"
"Well..." Jihoon started hesitantly like he was trying to contain his own feelings. "Actually - I'm worried for you, Ruto. Are you ready to hear this? You can say no and we can end this conversation right now."
"No. Say whatever you want to say. I'll be fine."
Nothing was worse than ignorance. And he already had an idea of what Jihoon wanted to say, so he couldn't be completely thrown off, right?
"He's going to be my best man too. So you will have to tolerate each other's presence for the time of the wedding without any dramatics, alright? Please. I already informed him about it and he said he'll behave. And..."
"And what?" Haruto urged, wanting to end his suffering the quickest possible.
"He's going to come with his new boyfriend," Jihoon blurted out.
There was no going back. And it was excruciating to hear.
Haruto was pretty sure his face whitened as he gripped more tightly onto his phone with his long and callused fingers. He gasped for air and put a heavy knuckle on his nightstand, feeling weak on the knees, before simply dropping onto his bed that seemed so empty without the warmth of his ex next to him.
Everything was always Junkyu, Junkyu, Junkyu.
How could he ever move on? It killed him inside.
"Oh," he let out with difficulty. He gulped and forced himself to recollect his thoughts. "Well, I didn't know. Congratulations to him I guess. I'm glad."
Jihoon sighed. "I know you're not. I'm telling you this just so you could be mentally prepared and slowly digest the news before my big day, Ruto. I don't want you to have palpitations when you see them together at the wedding, you know."
I'm gonna have palpitations anyways, Haruto thought. God. He always did when he was looking at Junkyu.
Granted, it wouldn't be the same kind of palpitations this time.
"Perhaps you should find a date too, Ruto. No pressure; only if you want. It would be good... it would be good to move on a little and think about someone else for a while. If you can, alright? For your best interest."
Haruto closed his eyes. He knew Jihoon was right. He also knew Jihoon didn't want any drama or unresolved issues that could potentially ruin his big day.
He could do that for his friend. He had to.
"Don't worry about it, Hoon. I got it all under control."
"Listen, Ruto-"
"Believe me. I need to go now, but I'll see you soon, okay? Tuxedos fittings have been included to my schedule, no worries about that either. I'm excited for you and Hyunsuk!" He babbled.
Jihoon clapped, his good mood finally back. "Thank you so much! I have so much to tell you, but it's gonna go to another day. I'll leave you to your work, so have a nice evening, my friend!"
"You too!"
Haruto hang up and stared into thin air for a moment. He then made up his mind.
Feeling the rush of adrenaline in his veins, he did something he never ever thought he would ever come close to doing. He opened this app called "Find a boyfriend" - a quick dating app that could be used for any kind of needs you wanted - and created himself an anonymous profile.
He left a message on his board with a few hashtags, hoping someone could reply fast.
ANONYMOUS
Need a fake boyfriend for a day (June 6th). Ready to pay 100$.
He tirelessly checked his phone every two minutes, fidgeting with his fingers on his nightstand. It was nerve-wracking to even post that. He couldn't believe he had the guts to.
Five minutes later, a response had already popped up. His fingers almost trembled when he clicked on it.
SO JUNGHWAN
I'm interested! I'm 22, male, single. Down for anything except intimacy (if you know what I mean) during the fake-dating day.
Haruto bit his lip. He wasn't even gonna think about the intimacy part or he would simply shudder. Just the idea of innocently holding hands with someone else than Junkyu made him feel like mud, like he was cheating on the love of his life. He never wanted to feel like that.
He did a quick background check on this Junghwan's profile. It was a brunette with a huge smile and a cute face. Tall and well-built, too, if it mattered. Didn't seem like a scam.
That was his best option for now.
ANONYMOUS
Accepted. Can we meet prior to the day? Cafe Dreamland downtown this Friday at 9am. If you're free.
He held his breath until he received a confirmation.
SO JUNGHWAN
Perfect. See you then!
Was did he get himself into?
《○○○》
Haruto entered the fancy cafe. He had been looking forward to his meeting with this Boyfriend App guy. To say the least, even if he wasn't interested at all in a romantic sense, he was curious about him. Maybe he could even befriend this So Junghwan after their wedding date.
There was more people than he thought there would be in Cafe Dreamland. At 9am, everyone needed their coffee to get on with their last day of the week, as Asahi always said. It didn't help that Cafe Dreamland was located on one of the busiest streets in town.
"Yes, your order, please?" The cashier asked in a loud and clear voice.
Haruto took a step toward her. He wanted to order a drink for Junghwan too, but he wasn't sure what kind of drink this stranger would like, so he opted for the most basic one.
"A regular hot coffee for my friend who would come soon. And a strawberry latte for me, please."
"Noted. Here is an available table," the cashier mentioned toward a well-decorated table on the far left.
It was a nice private spot (as private as it could be in a popular cafe-restaurant) with cozy couches and bright yellow lights hanging from the ceiling. There was also a plant in the middle of the table, which was quite comedic to Haruto.
"Thank you." He bowed to the lady and installed himself on the couch confortably.
He was about to scroll down the messages on his phone to see if Boyfriend App guy had texted him, but was momentarily distracted by a loud laugh that came from some place near him. His heart skipped a beat and he wondered for a second if he was dreaming or simply hallucinating.
It wasn't unusual to hallucinate when after the hardest break-up of your life, he read somewhere on the Internet (probably on a very sketchy website).
He could recognize that laugh anywhere, he painfully thought as he turned his head toward the table beside him like in slow-motion. He still had hope that he was entirely wrong until-
God. Oh no. His worst fear came true.
"Why?" Junkyu giggled, looking down at his phone. He was facing Haruto but since he didn't look up yet, he didn't know. "Mashiho, look at that! We should totally wear this for the wedding!"
"Can you imagine Jihoon's face? So funny!" The other boy (Mashiho, his name?) laughed too.
Haruto watched them. They were probably on a date. He felt sick.
Junkyu's hair was fashionable and perfectly styled, like a summer breeze purposefully swept right through it. His outfit was a simple cardigan, the color pastel purple, and it just screamed Junkyu so much that Haruto felt a pang in his stomach. It was so familiar to him. So familiar yet so out of reach.
He's not yours anymore, he reminded himself harshly. He's the heartbreaker you should feel bitter towards.
And Haruto did feel bitter because what he noticed the most wasn't Junkyu's hair or his clothes or even his smile. It was his gaze.
Junkyu was staring at the mystery guy with so much adoration in his sparkly eyes that Haruto prayed to plummet to the ground and disappear forever rather than facing this shame. This Mashiho was who Junkyu left him for and he was better than Haruto in every way.
Prettier. Cuter. Funnier. Probably nicer.
Most importantly, this man was the one who got Junkyu whipped, which Haruto obviously couldn't do anymore since he had been dumped like a trashcan on the side of the road.
"Sorry to interrupt, but are you Haruto?" A brunette with a warm smile asked him a little shyly. He glanced down at his phone (Haruto had sent a picture of himself to the Boyfriend App guy) and back at Haruto.
"Yes, it's me. You must be So Junghwan. Please sit down," he forced himself to say in the most welcoming voice as possible. As if he hadn't been hyperventilating because his ex was a few feet away from them.
"Great! Nice to meet you!" Junghwan politely exclaimed before taking a seat on the opposite site of the couch Haruto chose to sit on.
"Nice to meet you too," Haruto curtly answered. He had nothing else to say. It was like the beautiful man sitting on the table beside had stolen every single thought from his head.
Beautiful man... God, he should hate him. He really should. He criticized himself for not being able to.
"So you told me the fake-dating day would be for a wedding, right?" Junghwan went on in a loud voice, unaware of the situation. "Is there anything special you want me to do or anything I need to know prior to the day?"
Haruto shushed him by making big eyes and tilting his head toward the other side. Junghwan instantly got the hint and closed his mouth. He also leaned to the other side, back turned toward the table beside them.
"Could you keep it low?" Haruto whispered in a pleading voice. "Long story short, but the brown-haired cardigan guy beside us is the ex I'm desperately trying to forget."
Junghwan's eyes widened. He looked a little concerned. "Got it," he mouthed.
Haruto sighed in relief. "Just pretend we're close friends. Or more, I don't know. I just hope he doesn't notice us."
He definitely spoke too fast because when he turned toward the front and raised his gray eyes again, he was hit by a stare he knew all too well.
Junkyu and Haruto's eyes finally crossed paths across the bustling cafe after all these months and felt like time stopped. It was like everything else around him turned to ash gray as he looked straight at the one who stole his heart and paradoxically the one who broke his heart too, the one and only Kim Junkyu. He was so beautiful. How could he be so cruel to him?
If Haruto thought he looked like a deer caught in headlights, Junkyu certainly had it worse. He had never seen that look on his face before. His ex's face had lost all its color while his usually so vibrant eyes held a turmoil of emotions; panic, guilt, pain, then coldness.
It was like Junkyu had seen a ghost and was waiting for the impending kill.
They didn't blink as they stared at each other for what could have been a few seconds or eternity.
Suddenly, the black-haired Mashiho said something and made Junkyu zone out of his momentary hypnosis. Haruto angrily looked away too and cleared his throat when his eyes landed on Junghwan, the poor boy caught into the middle.
"Sorry about that," he sincerely apologized. There was nothing else he could do. "I'm just feeling quite overwhelmed right now."
Junghwan nodded, his expression empathetic. "I understand, Haruto. Don't worry about me. I'm only here to help you, so say the word and I would do anything you want."
Haruto sighed. Under normal circumstances, he would have thanked Junghwan again and simply walked away from that cafe shop, and not speak a word to Junkyu until he saw him again at the wedding for one last time, then part ways for good.
But today, however, Haruto felt himself suprised that he wanted to stay. He wanted to make Junkyu pay. Why would he be the only one suffering when he hadn't done a single wrong thing?
"Maybe I'm angrier than I thought he would be," he remarked to Junghwan, speaking in hushed tones. "I want to make him jealous. See if he's completely insensitive to me now. You up to help me out?"
Junghwan didn't have a particular reaction. It was almost like he was expecting it.
"Sure. I'm here for this."
You can do it. The Japanese took a deep breath and scooted closer to Junghwan. To be honest, he hadn't been close with anyone else than Junkyu - at least, not in this way - in his entire life. Junkyu was his first everything. Thus, he totally forgot how to flirt with someone else, or kiss them, or whatever. It was nearly impossible.
"He's looking at us," Junghwan mouthed to him with an encouraging smile. He was sitting in an angle which permitted him to watch the other table from the corner of his eyes while the people on the other table couldn't distinguish his facial features well.
"I know," Haruto replied. He was facing Junkyu, so he didn't need to pretend like he was looking away.
They both knew what he was doing.
"Sorry in advance if I'm a bad kisser," Haruto warned quietly as he put a hand on Junghwan's knee and squeezed softly. He blushed a little out of habit and embarrassment, but Junghwan only laughed out loud and swept his hands in the air like it didn't matter at all.
The Japanese laughed too in his deep voice, trying to make it sound as natural as possible, although he knew that there were nothing natural about what he was doing. It felt wrong and yet... and yet...
Junkyu's expression was the pay off.
His ex's eyes narrowed as if he was challenging him to do it. But he didn't look away. Neither did Haruto.
"He thinks I won't do it," he whispered to Junghwan in a voice he didn't even himself recognize. It sounded more hoarse than his usual tone. "He doesn't know me very well, then."
The moment he pushed the Boyfriend App guy's face to his and kissed him passionately without any hesitation, he saw Junkyu clench his fists on the side. Mashiho also stole a quick glance to them and simply looked astonished. He said something to Junkyu.
Junkyu, however, didn't even spare a glance to Mashiho. His eyes were fixated on Haruto and were silently throwing flames toward them. Haruto felt like he was running out of air, not because of what he was doing, but the way Junkyu's gaze made him feel. Even if he was still kissing Junghwan, tangling his fingers in the other man's hair, he still felt like he was kissing Junkyu.
And that was what drove him crazy and made him deepen his kiss with Junghwan. He felt drunk on something strong.
He was about to make out some more with Jungwhan, coming closer to his lap, until he heard some shuffling sounds beside them and footsteps resounding further and further away.
Startled, Haruto broke the kiss and stared after Junkyu who took off to the bathrooms direction, looking bummed and silently fuming. He glanced at his make out partner with question marks in his gray eyes.
"Go after him," the brunette suggested.
"Sorry," Haruto apologized again. He felt like he really had to. "I can E-transfer the 100$ to your account and additional money for what happened today-"
"Don't worry about it. We can discuss it another day."
"Alright. If you'd excuse me." Haruto stood up and collected his belongings. He completely forgot that he even ordered a strawberry latte and looked at it with exasperation. "You can have my drink too. I don't feel like drinking anything today unless it's alcohol, maybe."
Junghwan laughed. "Okay, okay. Go. And by the way... Your kiss wasn't so bad."
The other boy let out a grimace. He had to be honest with his new acquaintance. "That's because I was thinking about him."
Boyfriend App guy shrugged and gave a reassuring smile. "Figured. I'm not offended at all. See you soon, Haruto!"
Haruto waved like a friend would and walked toward the bathrooms too. He couldn't help but glance at Mashiho one last time, just out of curiosity. He found the latter scrolling down a phone, a sad frown on his face. Mashiho looked up at him when he passed by his seat.
Don't say anything. Don't say anything.
He willed himself to move forward.
He needed to find Junkyu. They had avoided each other for enough time.
To be continued
Please, the number of breakdowns I had while writing this... no one understands how harukyu gets me in shambles. They are just so. Anyways. Be ready for the second part.
Also stan Treasure to heal yourself <3
Take care and have a nice day.
@beomromantic