>> yeah i have nothing to say for myself
>> tw // minor torture??? like. magic and cold iron and stuff
merlin's not having a good time
yeah it's angst sue me but it has a happy ending
>> yes i know y'all love when i come out of the blue and drop pain on y'all
. . .
A layer of white, fluffy snow blanketed Camelot's rooftops and streets, decorated the pines of evergreens and dusted the hair of young children playing in the cold. Breath fogged out of mouths warmed by tea and freshly-baked honeybuns, eyes shining with cheer as an air of celebration spread through the kingdom. The sound of music floated through frostbitten ears, drifting up towards the castle.
Merlin heard the celebrations through a layer of stone and damp earth, head thumping backwards against the cold wall. He curled downwards, pressing his icy fingers to his lips in an attempt to stifle the hiccupped, choked sobs that were trying to escape his mouth.
His body was wracked with spasms, his magic screaming out in agony.
Cold iron burned welts into his wrists, the metal hissing against his skin, chaining his magic within himself.
He felt like his organs were trying to shrivel in on themselves.
But the physical pain was nothing compared to the regret that split his heart in two.
He squeezed his eyes closed, biting down on his hand to muffle a jagged scream, his throat aching. Arthur's face flashed behind his closed eyes, imprinted forever in his memories. The broken look in his eyes, flashes of betrayal and heartbreak before becoming guarded and vengeful. The crack in his voice as he called for the guards to take Merlin to the dungeons. The way he turned his back on Merlin when the warlock begged for his forgiveness, begged for him to listen.
How Arthur had stood in the snow, motionless as Merlin was dragged away.
How Arthur had dropped to his knees, his head in his hands.
Now all he heard were the chains clamped around his wrists rattling against the ground as he shook violently, trying desperately to stay quiet. He didn't want any of the dungeon guards coming over to tell him to be quiet. He wouldn't be able to look them in the eye--not when he knew them all by name, not when he had seen them enough times around the palace to almost call them friends.
The silence, save for his own sounds, was unbearable, only tempered by the music from outside. Yet, it only served to make him aware of what he'd lost. He'd lost his closest friend, the friend he loved the most, more than anything. Arthur had seen him use magic with his own two hands, using them to create a whirlwind of snow to entertain the children.
Arthur had thought he was trying to hurt them.
Had he read it all wrong? Had he fooled himself into thinking that he and Arthur shared a bond that was stronger than friendship? He used to think that Arthur would understand, would be able to listen to him when he revealed his magic to the king. Maybe there would have been some tension, some walls put back in place between the two of them. But in the end, it still would have been Merlin and Arthur against the world. The king and his warlock.
How wrong it had gone.
Merlin was dragged out of his misery by the sounds of footsteps approaching his cell. He took in a shuddering breath, looking up just as someone appeared in front of the barred door, keys sliding into the rusted lock. He blinked away the fog clouding his vision, tears rolling down his cheek as he tried to see who was at the door. He was saved by a gruff voice announcing, "The king is here to see you."
The warlock sniffled and rubbed at his cheeks to clean off the tears, swallowing down the bile rising in his throat as Arthur came into his field of vision. He didn't want Arthur to see him in the state that he was in, although he knew there was no point in hiding it. He swiped his sleeves over his eyes, although he already knew that they were tear-stained and damp, just like the air around him.
Merlin heard Arthur enter the cell, and then the door closed behind him. He stared at Arthur's feet, not trusting his voice to stay steady if he looked him in the eyes. He sniffled again, waiting for Arthur to say something, and yet the king was silent. He could feel Arthur's eyes on him, making his heart race painfully.
"... Sire..?" Merlin mumbled after he couldn't take the silence any longer. He heard Arthur take a deep breath, letting it out in a heavy sigh.
"How could you do that, Merlin? How could you use magic? How could you use magic to hurt people?" Despite the questions, Arthur's tone was flat, cold. Merlin stifled a sob, yet anger sparked in his chest at the accusations.
"How dare you assume I was trying to hurt those kids!" Merlin retorted, voice pinched and desperate yet he was assured in his actions. More tears threatened to fall from his eyes. "I have never once used my magic to hurt someone innocent. I've only ever used it to defend you from people who want you dead."
He met Arthur's eyes with a watery stare, face contorted in a mess of emotions. He was almost satisfied by the flash of distress that cut through the icy mask that Arthur schooled his expression into, before it became guarded once again. Maybe it was cruel of him to want Arthur to feel something when he looked at Merlin, but he thought he deserved to see something akin to regret in his former friend's eyes.
Arthur laughed.
Arthur laughed in Merlin's face and Merlin wasn't prepared for it. Yet, he supposed he should have expected such cruelty coming from Arthur. Arthur was hurting and betrayed, and Merlin knew that he was capable of being mean, of being cruel, especially when the one on the other end was deserving of it.
Arthur had been prattish and annoying when the two of them first met. And yet, he had changed so much during the time that the two of them had grown close, becoming friends. Kilgarrah had said that the two of them were two sides of the same coin. They shared a bond that couldn't be broken, no matter what.
Merlin clung to that tiny hope despite the look that was cast down upon him by Arthur, hair lit in a ring of light cast by the torches in the hallway. He appeared as a vengeful angel, here to bring righteousness upon the sinners, and yet, Merlin was not sure who was the sinner and who was the saint.
"How can I trust you word when you've just been lying to me all this time? You pretended to be my friend and you gained my trust, gained the trust of my knights, cementing yourself as a loyal servant of the castle. Who knows what you could have been planning for the fate of Camelot," Arthur sneered, but he too looked away, like he couldn't hold Merlin's gaze any loner.
"I never once pretended to be your friend," Merlin snarled back, pausing there just to see the change in Arthur's expression. He took a deep breath. "I have always wanted to be your friend, wanted to be someone you could trust. We were friends, even. Did none of that mean anything?"
Merlin knew he sounded desperate, knew that his voice bordered on a plea as he stared up at Arthur, who still refused to look back at him despite his expression distorting further as Merlin spoke. Arthur crossed his arms. "Apparently it meant nothing, for you to betray Camelot like that. For you to break the law and practice magic, I'd say that you never cared at all."
"You aren't listening, Arthur!" Merlin's voice rose. "I begged you to listen when you first ordered the guards to drag me down here, and you wouldn't. So please, please just listen to me this time. Let me explain, at least a little bit. I have done so much for you and even if it won't change your mind, at least I can rest knowing you knew."
Arthur remained silent, so Merlin took that as his cue to continue. His volume lowered, forcing his tone to remain calm, to soften as to not sound so distraught. "I was born with magic. It runs in my blood. Magic to me is... it's like breathing. I can't live without it. Believe me, I tried," he laughed grimly, eyes flashing at his own foolishness. "So I learned to live with it. Magic is who I am."
"Ealdor grew too small for me. My mother feared that I would be put in danger if I stayed in Ealdor, so she sent me to stay in Camelot with Gaius. She didn't know of Camelot's anti-magic policy at the time," he continued, remembering how his mother had become distressed when she found out about the anti-magic laws, had found out about the purge. "When I first came to Camelot, I saw a sorcerer get beheaded. Despite that, I still stayed, even though staying here could have resulted in my death a long time ago."
"You stayed, even though you could have been killed," Arthur repeated bluntly, now staring at Merlin as though he had grown a second head. His eyes narrowed. "Why would you stay if you had everything to lose and nothing to gain?"
Merlin shook his head. "I don't know. I just felt... I felt like I had to stay, for some reason. That reason became clear once I spoke to the dragon beneath the castle."
"The dragon beneath the castle? The one that nearly burned the citadel down?" Arthur repeated his words once again, bristling. Merlin let out a heavy sigh.
"Yes, that one. I freed him, because I had made a deal with him," Merlin answered honestly. "He created Excalibur in return for being set free."
Arthur's lips thinned, a muscle in his jaw twitching. Merlin assumed he wasn't pleased by the knowledge that his decision could have burned the entire kingdom to the ground. Oh well. There was nothing he could do to change the past, and besides, it was for the greater good. Nothing truly bad came out of it in the end.
"The dragon told me that we were two sides of the same coin. The warlock standing alongside the once and future king," Merlin said quickly, before Arthur could ask more questions about Kilgarrah. "The dragons were the guardians of ancient knowledge, before Uther hunted them down to near extinction."
He could tell that Arthur was still trying to say something, so he continued to speak over him. "Wait, no, let me finish. Please," he added, not wanting to make Arthur any angrier than he already was. When Arthur remained silent before giving a brief nod, Merlin took a breath.
"When Kilgarrah first said that we were two sides of the same coin, I was furious. It was only shortly after I had been appointed as your manservant," Merlin continued, the memory bringing a watery smile to his face even as his entire life crumbled around him. "I thought you were a terrible prince and an even worse prat. I didn't want to give in to destiny."
Merlin's head dropped, staring at his hands in his lap as he swallowed his grief. "Maybe it would have been better if I had been right about that. If I had been right that you were a prat and a bully, and that we never could have been friends."
"But boy oh boy, look at how wrong I was. You're anything but a prat and a bully. You have a heart of gold and a will of iron, stronger than any magic I know." Merlin continued to avoid Arthur's stare, but he could hear movement as Arthur shifted around. "All I wanted to do was stand alongside that power, to help you become the greatest king that Albion has ever seen."
"And so I stayed in the shadows, and watched as you grew as a person. You became someone your father could never hope to be." Merlin finally looked up as Arthur took a step closer, surprised at the hesitance that Arthur seemed to show. "You became someone I knew I would follow until the very end."
Merlin took a deep breath. "You once told me that no man deserved my tears," his voice was shaky, cheeks damp in contrast to his words.
"But you... Arthur, you deserve everything. You deserve everything I could ever give you and it still wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough," Merlin's voice broke and he was forced to choke back a ragged sob, his throat tightening against the words that he thought would be some of his last. He didn't want to have to say goodbye, want to look at Arthur one last time.
"Merlin," Arthur breathed, now falling to his knees in front of Merlin. Merlin inhaled sharply as Arthur's hands came up to rest on his shoulders, flinching just barely away from the contact, the fear evident in the tension held in his spine. Arthur looked heartbroken, and regretful, his hands tightening on Merlin's shoulders. "Merlin, I'm so sorry."
"Arthur?" Merlin's blurry gaze flicked over Arthur's worry-lined face, blinking to clear his vision.
"Merlin... I--" Arthur hesitated once more, and then pressed forwards. "I was always your friend. It wasn't the magic that hurt so much. It was the thought that you had lied to me for all these years that we've known each other."
Chains rattled as Merlin leaned forwards, into the pressure of Arthur's hands. "I would never betray you like that, Arthur, I swear on my life. All I have ever wanted was the best for you... but I was afraid. When I thought that maybe I could tell you the truth, it was too late. I had lied to you for so long and I was afraid of what would happen if I told you," he whispered back, hands curling into fists behind his back, blunted nails digging into his palms.
"I didn't want to lose your trust. Look at where that made me end up," Merlin gave a wet laugh, now leaning away from Arthur. However, Arthur stopped him from doing so, abruptly pulling Merlin forwards and into a tight hug that Merlin wasn't prepared for.
"Merlin, Merlin, I'm sorry," Arthur said, preventing Merlin from saying anything more. "It's okay. Merlin, we'll be okay. We can make it better."
He drew back enough to look Merlin in the eyes. "We still have a lot to talk about, and we'll definitely have to take another look at the laws on magic," Arthur said with the hint of a grin curving across his lips. "But I still want to be your friend. If you'll forgive me for this. I-- I overreacted. I don't know if I can ever make up for it."
"You did overreact. A lot," Merlin replied, but he too offered a faint smile in response to Arthur's words, hope curling in his chest. "And you know I'm going to bring this up for years. But... I want to be your friend too."
Arthur released Merlin and reached for his belt, pulling out a ring of keys. He wrapped his arms around Merlin again and unclasped the shackles from his wrists. Merlin gasped as his magic flooded out of him, swarming along his skin and writhing in the air around him, finally released from it's bindings. Arthur too seemed to be able to feel Merlin's magic, the keys falling from his hands as he toppled backwards in surprise.
Merlin could see the shimmering gold of his magic swirling around Arthur, although he could tell that Arthur couldn't. He smiled at the sight. "My magic has always been drawn to you." He reached out towards Arthur, smile growing as Arthur reached out to take his hand with Arthur's own. Arthur's thumb swiped sadly over the skin on Merlin's wrists, where the shackles had rubbed his skin raw, but Merlin squeezed his hand to draw Arthur's attention. "It's always wanted to protect you. I've always wanted to protect you."
"And now I know," Arthur murmured, taking Merlin's other hand with his own. He held on tight, smiling at Merlin, before tugging him close again. Merlin fell forwards into Arthur's arms, now able to return the tight hug, hiding his grin in Arthur's shoulder. He hadn't been able to hope that Arthur would be able to forgive him for his magic, for lying to him for so long, but he shouldn't have doubted. He should have at least known that Arthur would never sentence him to death--Arthur was better than that.
"Now I know that you'll always be here to protect me. And now you know that I will always be here to protect you," Arthur added, tilting his head so his words brushed against Merlin's ear, lips pressed against the shell of it. Merlin exhaled a breathy, giddy laugh at the promise.
The future looked brighter every day.
In the distance, a golden dragon smiled and flew towards the setting sun.
. . .
>> i have actual brain damage now that took way too long
>> ignore any coherency mistakes i am stupid and forgot what i was doing months ago
>> comments give me life