That night after tucking Liam in, I keep waiting for Stefan. He is supposed to be home early for dinner yet he is not back. It's already past eight. I'm so hungry as well. I didn't ate lunch because my head was really aching. He is not even picking my call.
I decide to eat an apple while waiting for him. I walk in the kitchen and freeze when I see Stefan and Cara having dinner. They even have a bottle of wine open.
"Hey Jess", she grins like a Cheshire cat. "We thought you were already sleeping."
"Stefan", I speak, completely ignoring her presence. "We were supposed to have dinner together. I was waiting for you."
"I'm sorry Jess", he says guiltily. "I thought you were already sleeping."
"Well I was not. You could have come and checked", I cross my arms angrily. "I am freaking starving."
"Honestly it really looks like your body won't mind a day of starvation", Cara throws in while sipping her wine.
"Cara....", he starts but stops when she she gives him a look.
"I am right", she goes on and runs her eyes on me again. "I have remarked that she has a really unhealthy diet, no wonder she looks like this. For a person who eats sweets stuff, you sure have a nice body but your stomach...."
Stefan averts his eyes and I look at him in disbelief. I ignore her and approach him.
"I need to talk to you", I try to say calmly.
"Can't you see that he is eating?", Cara snaps.
"Shut the fuck up!", I pick up her fork and point it near her face. "I am not talking to you."
Maybe I should really poke her eyes out! She annoys me so bad.
"Jess!", Stefan takes the fork hurriedly from my hand and tries to turn me towards him. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Stefan", she gasps. "She is trying to hurt me. Did you see that?"
"I'll just come Cara", he says in an apologetic tone to her. "Have you dinner in the meanwhile."
Shock, I let Stefan drags me in the room and close the door. He is behaving like nothing has happened with her. How can he do this?!
"Stefan", my voice is calm as he leaves my hand. "Is there anything going on between you two?"
"No Jess", he holds my face. "Why would you think that?"
"Because I am not freaking blind!", I shrug his hand off harshly and take a step back. "I can see that you two are close too much. I saw the way she was clinging on your arm earlier and you didn't even do anything about it!"
"You are being insecure Jess", he claims with a frustrated sigh and look away.
His words acts like pieces of glasses against my chest.
"You are giving me reasons to feel insecure Stefan", I murmur and start feeling burn out. "Maybe this is not working out....."
"No!", he exclaims and stands before me in an instant. "Don't think about leaving me. I'm so sorry Jess. Please don't."
"You are sorry for a lot of things these days."
"I promise you there's nothing going on between us", he leans his forehead against mine. "Believe me."
"Then why are you behaving like this Stefan?", I question in a tired voice. "I feel like you don't like me anymore. You just need to tell me. I'll leave without any fuss. You know it's okay if you like Cara...."
"I don't like her!", he cuts my phrase off with a firm voice. He look troubled but nevertheless he keeps going. "It's only you Jess. There's nobody else. Can you please just trust me on this?"
I hold his gaze for a long while. He looks tired and he is even starting to get dark circles under his eyes. He looks drained.
"Say you trust me please", he begs and his eyes turn glossy.
"I do and I hope I don't regret trusting you Stefan", I utter. "Please tell me if anything is bothering you. You don't seem okay at all. I'm worried for you."
"Don't worry too much about me", he states and hugs me. "I won't let anyone hurt you again."
I let him hold my head against his chest. His heart is thumping loudly against his ribcage. Is he hiding something from me?
"You didn't eat because of me", he almost whispers in a low voice, remorsefully. "I'll get your food."
"I'm not hungry anymore", I shake my head. I don't think anything will digest in my stomach after seeing and hearing what Cara has just said.
"You need to eat", he insists. "Please."
When I realize that he is not going to take no for an answer, I just give him meek nod. He exits the room, and I find myself standing infront the mirror, analyzing my body.
Am I gaining weight? Have I start to look like before? I lift my shirt and look at my stomach. Are they seeing something that I don't? Maybe I should exercise a little bit. It's been a few days, since I had any workout.
I am pinching my cheeks when Stefan's voice startles me. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing", I straighten my t-shirt quickly.
Realization dawns upon him and he places the plate of food, on the bedside table. He walks close to me and holds my hands gently in his.
"Don't let her any of her words affect you", he states. "There's nothing wrong with you. You are perfect."
He strokes my lower lip where the cut lies and bends his head to place a soft kiss there. My whole body stays rigid against him while his arms are wrapped around me. He is definitely hiding something from me and I will find it out.
Later the same night, I keep tossing and turning on the bed. I cannot sleep. Stefan is asleep while he faces away from me. He never sleeps like this. I get up and decide to get all the frustration out of my body by sweating it out. I change my clothes and notice my dinner is still lying untouched where I had left it earlier. I had placed it on the washroom counter so that Stefan does not questions or forces me to eat.
I make a mental note to take it to the kitchen later and leave quietly for the gym. Once I'm in there, I plug my earphones in my ears and get on the treadmill. I do my best to block out any thoughts about Cara and Stefan from my mind and concentrate on running but it doesn't really work.
I start seeing how I was in the past and how I used to get bullied. I feel the hurt, the shame, the anxiety all over again. I can't be like her again. I will do anything to not become like that.
Cara said Stefan doesn't likes fat girls.
I don't know for how long exactly I ran until I start seeing black dots. Sweat runs everywhere on my body. My hair is stuck on my face and I feel out of breath. Suddenly, a hand comes out of nowhere and unplugs the treadmill. I gasp when I feel like I'm about to fall but a pair of arms catch me instantly.
"What the hell are you doing?", I hear Stefan demanding in a heated voice while I pant.
"Running", I answer breathlessly. My legs feel super weak.
"You have ran for almost two and a half hours!", he scolds me. "It's freaking three in the morning."
"Oh", I take a deep breathe. "I didn't realized how time went by."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?", he shouts all at once. "Were you trying to hurt yourself?!"
"No", I answer, shock at his outburst. "I was just exercising. Why are you talking to me like that?"
"Because you are being irresponsible!", he continues in a furious tone.
"How me exercising is irresponsible?", I question ignoring the dizzy sensation in my body.
"You started running in the middle of the night and if I had not come here, would you have stopped?! No! You would have ran till you puke your guts out"
My stomach churns at the words. I find myself at a loss of voice when realization dawns upon me that he is indeed right. I was lowkey punishing myself in the name of exercise because of what Cara said. I just didn't want to admit it to myself because I would be ashamed of myself.
I had made a promise to not let anybody's words about myself affect me but her words were constant and the way Stefan has been behaving made me weak and I started believing it. I was supposed to be strong yet I am not. I thought Stefan is seeing what Cara is saying about me and I didn't want him to leave me. I love him so much and it really hurts my heart to see him distancing away from me.
I catch my reflection on the mirror behind him and cringe at the sight. I look weak, disgusting from the sweat, my hair is sticking to my face and most important of all, I appear to be utterly drained and this desperate sight of mine start bringing more old memories back.
"I don't want to hate myself", I start sobbing, not able to hold myself back.
"See that's your problem!"
I look at him through my tears while he keeps getting more angrier.
"Why can't you just be like Cara?! She is responsible for herself. She knows what to eat and what not to. She doesn't let people affect her life."
"Then maybe you should be with her", I state and a rush of dizziness goes through my body. Tears keep falling from my eyes as I keep my gaze on him.
"Maybe I should", he admits in an instant without any hesitation. "You can't even look after yourself. How are you supposed to look after my son?!"
A sob escapes my mouth as a searing pain passes through my chest upon hearing his words. Is this really happening or am I having a nightmare?
My legs turn weak while my vision starts blurring and just when I take another shaky breath, I find myself falling into a state of nothingness. Darkness overpowers all my senses as I fall into a warm embrace.
I wake up with a jolt and find myself on the bed. Was it really a nightmare? I look down at my clothes and find myself still in my exercise clothes.
I start looking around for Stefan. Was his words true? Or was it part in my dream?
I get down from the bed and get dizzy immediately. I stand still for a while and once I regain my balance, I walk out. I hear voice coming from Cara's room and follow the sound.
"When are you going to tell her Stefan?", she asks while her head is on her chest. "I can't do this anymore. Just tell her everything today so that she can leave us alone."
I stop breathing when I hear Stefan's words.
"I will", his hand is on her back. "Let her wake up. I'm tired of pretending myself."
"But what if she refused to leave?", she questions with concern. "I just want her to leave."
"Come on babe", he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "You know what to do to make her leave."
"Do you want me to blackmail her?", she smiles and looks at him while biting her lip seductively.
"Do whatever you want"
"Should I threaten her with the video?", she trails a finger on his face and stops it on his lower lip.
What video?
"What are you talking about?", I demand as I get in her room and approach them. My gaze remains on Stefan the whole time. He stares right back at me with a cold gaze as if I don't matter for him.
"Stefan", I say with a heavy heart. "What is happening?"
"You need to leave from here", he orders in an distant tone. "I'm breaking up with you"
I stop breathing upon hearing his words.
"But what did I do?", I question him and hold his arm in despair. "Please tell me if I did anything wrong."
"Leave his hand!", Cara sneers and shrugs my hand roughly from his arm, scratching my skin at the same time.
Stefan sees it but stares at me blankly. He pulls Cara close to his body and wraps his arm around his waist. "It's okay babe. Don't touch her."
"You and her....."
"I love her", he averts his eyes. "It was always her. Just took me time to realize it. I love her very much."
"No you don't", I move closer to him while crying heavily now. "You don't love her! Look at me and say it! Why won't you look at me?"
"Stefan", I cup his face into my palm urging him to look at me. "Please look at me. Is she telling you to say all this? You don't have to be scared of her! Just tell me....."
"Get back!", Cara pushes me harshly. "What are you talking about? Why would he be scared of me?! He just told you he loves me. Now get the fuck out of here!"
"Please don't tell me you love her when I'm madly in love with you", I declare. "It hurts Stefan. You promised that you would not hurt me."
His eyes widen slightly as he stands still. His fist curl at his side as he keeps staring at me. For a fleeting second, I can see pain flashes in her eyes but it is gone quick just as it has appeared. I keep waiting for him to say something back. For him to say his words are not true. For him to say the truth and most importantly for him to say that he loves me too.
But there's only silence lingering between us.
His blank look is replaced by a cynical smile and watching him like that, mocking me make me too stun to even move.
"God Jessica", he chuckles. "You are the easiest woman I ever had as a girlfriend. You really thought I would keep you around forever. You thought I could love you? You?"
His gaze makes me uncomfortable as he takes two steps closer to me. His face has a feral look as he glares down at me.
"Did you really thought that I would never recognized you?", he runs his eyes on my face, assessing every details. "The ugly and fatty girl who becomes skinny after two years thought that I would not recognized her."
"What?", Cara frowns slightly. "You already knew her?"
"Yes", he admits. "She used to work for me. And I had thought that I had made it pretty clear how I felt about you back then. Didn't one of my friends called you ugly?"
"It was really you....", my voice trails away. I really thought that maybe his friends had made up a lie. Because the way he had looked at me, didn't make me think that he thought that I was ugly.
"It was really me", he snickers and poke my cheek. "Remember how these were chubby? Then how could you even think that I would fall for you? How could you fall in love with me knowing my reputation with women?"
"I thought...."
"You thought wrong!", he shouts at me causing me to flinch back. "I only had to keep you around for Liam but now he is growing up, he will have to stay without you."
The weight in my chest keeps getting heavier and at the mention of Liam, my heart breaks completely. I don't want to leave him. My breathing starts to get unsteady as he keeps talking in the same harsh tone.
"Cara is prettier. You don't even stand a chance against her. I would have considered you somewhat pretty but I don't think I could."
My vision blurs while tears keep running down my face. The pain in my heart renders me utterly speechless. I feel too numb. I feel as if someone has just ripped my heart from my chest. And that person is Stefan. The man who has it. The man with whom, I'm in love with unconditionally.
"Why did you keep my picture then?", I find myself questioning him.
He seems taken aback but he recovers quickly.
"The picture was on the ground when I found it. I had placed it on the table for someone to throw it away but for some reason, an idiot placed it inside my book pages so I just kept it as a joke. Something to laugh at. It's not that serious."
This is too much. I feel completely shattered and the feeling is too much. I can't bear it.
"Stefan....you promised me.....you are breaking my heart", I mumble and look down.
"You are pathetic!", Cara laughs. "Look at you! God just leave. You look so miserable."
"What about Liam?", I ask with a slight hiccup from crying too much.
Stefan's gaze softens slightly when he realized how much I have cried for me to start hiccupping. "You don't need to worry about him anymore."
"Yeah", Cara chimes in. "He has me now. He will forget you in a few days. Babies's brains are not that strong."
"No", I cry out in pain. "He can't forget me."
"Stefan", Cara holds his arm. "I think we should do what you just said. Should we show her?"
"No", he states. "Let her leave. I already packed your stuff. Take it and leave."
Is he so eager for me to leave that he has even already packed my clothes?
"There's no fun in that", Cara smirks as she pulls up her mobile.
"Don't Cara", he warns and tries to pull her mobile out of her grasp but it's too late.
My eyes widen in panic when I see myself completely naked, under the water in the shower. My eyes are close as the water glides down my body.
"What is it?", I ask shock. "How....?"
I try to snatch the mobile away from her hand but she is quick with her movements. She retreats back quickly.
"Uh uh", she shakes her finger close to my face. "Not so quickly. Imagine if I post it on the internet. It will go viral. You will be famous. You should thank me."
My stomach churns uncomfortable. I think I'm going to vomit. I clutch my leggings at the sides tightly in desperate need to hold something.
"No", I beg. "Please don't do this. Stefan please do something. Don't let her do this to me."
"He won't do anything for you", she smiles evilly. "He wants you out of here!"
"I do", he agrees giving me a hard chilling glare he adds, "How can I do something for you when I was the one who shot it in the first place?"
His words make my blood runs cold in my veins. My mouth falls slightly apart while he smirks without any shame. I feel disgust running through me while I hold my breath waiting for him to continue.
"When I realize no matter what I did, you won't sleep with me because you were never ready so I did this", he claims with a bored look. "You don't look that bad by the way."
My pain turns into an intense fury and on its own accord, my hands lifts and I end up slapping him really hard across his face. His face turns to the side and I watch as he clenches his jaw. I feel a sharp sting on my fingers and when I notice blood on the corner of his lower lip, I realize how hard the slap really has been. But I am far too mad to even care anymore.
"How dare you?!", Cara shrieks and lifts her own hand but without wasting time, I catch it and twists it around and I make sure to dig my nails deepy into her flesh enough to make scars.
"Don't think just because I didn't say anything, you will gain free reign to do or say whatever you want", I increase my pressure on her hand even more.
"Leave me you bitch!", she snarls. "Stefan do something!"
"Don't touch me!", I snap at him when he takes a step closer to me and I let go of her hand brusquely, making sure she falls down.
"Both of you are fucking disgusting!", I shout. "Stefan you just had to tell me how gross and repulsive you find me. I would have never said anything. I used to go through that often. I would have left quietly. But you made me believe that you cared for me. I felt loved."
His gaze still remains blank and he doesn't even helps Cara to stand up.
"I can't believe that after everything I told you about me, you did all this behind my back just because you wanted me to leave. You just had to say the words. I would have left forever. Why did you do this to me? You violated my privacy!"
I feel disgusting with myself. I feel as if insects are crawling up my body, digging their claws into my skin.
"I poured out my heart to you about my struggle only for you to just throw it on my face", I say in a firm voice but all the while my heart hurts immensely and tears keep flowing down my face without any sigh of stopping.
"What was my fault? I was only in love with you", I cry my eyes out. "You made me look like a fool and I feel disgusted with myself that I am in love with you!"
Hurts shines in his irises and face but I no longer care.
"Stop being dramatic already!", Cara drawls. "Get your bag and leave."
"I am", I wipe my tears away and look at him. "You want to post the video? Post it. I feel already dead from inside. It won't matter to me anymore. Because it hurts so bad and I am not ashamed to admit it because you broke my heart and I hope it haunts you forever!"
I turn around me but his hand shoots out and hold my arm. My breathe stills for a second when I see fear on his face.
"You won't do anything reckless", he orders.
"Get your hand off me!", I shrug his hand off. "I hope you never have to see me again Stefan."
I leave the room and taking my already packed bag, I decide to meet Liam one last time before leaving. Life changes so fast. I never thought that I will be leaving him so soon and in this way.
"Where do you think you are going?", Cara blocks my way. "The door to exit is there not here."
I decide to ignore her and move past her but stops when I finally realize, Liam belongs to Stefan. I have to ask for permission because he is not mine. I, no longer have any rights on him.
"Can I see him for one last time?", I look at Stefan blankly this time.
"No....", Cara starts shaking her head but he stops her.
"Let her", he clenches his jaw and looks away.
Without saying anything further, I enter inside the nursery. The atmosphere and baby scent instantly starts calming me but at the same it brings fresh tears in my eyes. I see him still sleeping in his crib and starts crying bitterly. Liam may be not mine but a part of my heart will always belong to him. For me, he is my baby and he will always remains so.
"I'm sorry baby", I caress his cheek. "I have to leave you. I'm so sorry."
I pick him up gently and give him a last hug, holding him close to my body. His baby scent soothes my broken heart and I find myself crying more. This is my last hug with him. How am I going to live without him now?
"I wish you were mine Liam", I sob and place a kiss on his head. "I really wish you were mine baby. It is breaking my heart that I have to leave you. I don't want to. It hurts to think that I have to live without you. I wish I could take you with me. But I can't. Please forgive me my love."
A sob breaks out from my mouth and I bite down on my lip, ignoring the sting from my wound to avoid making a noise. I don't want him to wake up. His eyes won't let me leave and I don't want him to cry. I will break down completely. The pain from the cut on my lip can't even compare to how I am really feeling on the inside. I feel as if time has stand still for me with my heart in several pieces.
I keep staring at his sleeping face and capture his every features in my mind. He looks just like a little angel. My angel. I kiss his forehead, feeling his soft baby skin under my lips.
"Mama will always love you baby", I murmur and this time my tears fall on his face. "Please don't forget me."
I place him gently down not wanting to leave him. Giving him one longing look, I turn around and leave the room with a heavy heart. I find Stefan near the door while he stares at the floor hardly.
"Please take care of him", I mumble in a breaking voice.
He nods and when I try to walk past him, he holds my arm causing me to stand still.
"Please take care of yourself", he almost whispers. "Don't hurt yourself anymore."
"Why do you care now?", I snap vehemently. "You didn't seemed to care when you recorded me naked or used me for Liam. You told me to trust you and I did trust you blindly but you betrayed me in the worst way possible."
He remains quiet and looks down again.
"Will you really upload the.....?", I find myself asking in almost a whisper in an attempt to find my Stefan with whom I have fallen in love with. I am still hoping that beneath this cold and distant Stefan lies the one who has my heart. The one who keeps saying that he will protect me. The one who can't see me cry and will do anything for me.
When he remains still without saying a word, I add exaggerately just to make his insides curl with pure guilt and shame if he even has a conscious left in him.
"You know something if I die, I hope my death becomes a burden on you and pulls you down. I hope whatever you did and just said to me keep you awake at night with guilt. Falling in love with you has been my biggest mistake in life. You have managed to make me hate myself Stefan. Again."
His face remains stoic at my words but I can see his eyes reddening slightly. I walk past him and leave his house without a glance back.