songs:
i miss you- adele
work song- hozier
all three- noah cyrus
The next three weeks moved in strange waves of days that went on forever and days that went by in a blink. I felt like I was in my head all of the time, I couldn't escape my thoughts, I couldn't get out of the memories, I was stuck in my head, and the heavy weight of the past felt like drowning. The only time I felt like I was coming up for air was when Harry and I distracted each other.
We'd spent every night together at my place or his, just keeping each other company and keeping our minds occupied. The mornings were my favorite, he was also sleepy and disheveled looking, even on his way to work.
With his mouth on me, his hands on me, his body moving against mine, I felt like I could breathe again. It probably wasn't healthy, but I wanted those moments of clarity as often as I could get them, and he was happy to oblige.
"You sure? You seem tired, poppet, do you just want to sleep?" His voice was low and warm against my neck as I arched my back and rubbed my ass against the front of his sweats again. We were laying in bed, it was almost one in the morning. We had sex that morning before work, and he got me off again on his couch when I showed up a few hours ago, but I wanted it again, I needed him again.
"I can't sleep anyway, need you to wear me out, please." I knew I sounded kind of pathetic, but he'd seen me be pathetic for him so many times over the years that I couldn't care less at that point. I once crawled into his bed in college and woke him up begging him to make me forget the horrible day I had. He took me in bed twice and then in the shower after. We slept on the couch that night, I woke up to him holding me on top of him and snuck out before he could wake up.
"I got you, it's okay." He brushed all the hair away from my neck and kissed me softly while he spoke to me, "I'll take good care of you, poppet, tire you out." His hand ran from my waist, down my hip, and around the cheek of my ass. He sucked lightly on the skin between my neck and shoulder and I couldn't stop the whimper that left my lips. He rolled his hips into me and I could feel him working himself up through his sweats. His hand slid from my ass to sneak between my thighs and I immediately let my hips grind onto his hand, desperate for the friction that would send a jolt through my body.
"Where do you want me, poppet? Here?" His fingers pressed against the crease of my thigh and labia. I could feel the smirk on his face, he knew exactly what he was doing. "No? How about here, this where you want me?" He pressed the tips of his two fingers right above the hood and I groaned in annoyance.
"Harry!" He moved them to the other crease, rubbing small circles as he asked me again if that's where I wanted him. "H!" I groaned again as I squirmed against him, trying to move myself to his fingers. "You're being mean, dimples," I whined at him as he drug a finger up the center, pressing over the thin fabric of my thong.
"Call me baby again, I'll give you what you want." He panted into my ear and made me whine again.
I immediately turned my head back to look at him and kiss him before I whined into his mouth, "Please touch me, baby, I need you."
He moaned and instantly slipped his fingers under my underwear and pressed them to my clit. I cried out and kissed him again while I worked my hips against his fingers. "Fuck, I l- you're everything. Everything, Ash."
He took his hand from between my thighs and rolled me onto my stomach while he straddled me. "Can I take this off?" He had a firm grip on the band of my thong. As soon as he heard me say yes, he ripped it down my legs almost violently.
"Gimme your mouth, poppet." I arched my back and pushed myself up while I leaned my head back and opened my mouth for him. He scooted up my body until he was straddling my back and gently ran the tips of his fingers up my throat while it was strained back for him. "Wanna taste me, baby?" He asked with his lips dusting over mine. His top lip tickled my bottom lip in this weird spider-man position.
"Please, H." He kissed me and pulled back, I laid my tongue out for him and he held my head still while he spit in my mouth. "I'll be the last thing you taste, always." Echoed through my head as I moaned for him.
He released me and let me fall back forward onto the pillows. Within seconds his fingers appeared in front of my face and I sucked him into my mouth, wetting them with the mix of us. He slid them between my legs as his tongue explored my mouth and I gasped at the sensation. His fingers sank into me with ease and he worked me up until I was a soaking mess for him. The room was filled with the sounds of my breathless whines and the slick mess between my thighs as he worked magic with his fingers. I felt so good, my head was full of him and only him, nothing else existed in these moments.
I was face-down in the pillows, moaning loudly as his fingers pressed against the spot that made my legs shake. He was relentless, He had impeccable rhythm and he never faltered on a single thrust. "That's it, poppet, let go. Give it to me, baby. Cum for me so I can fuck you better." A swift swat to my ass and a thrust of his hips against me was all it took to send me over the edge. I came around his fingers faster than I could even process.
In the middle of my orgasm, Harry was lifting my hips off the bed and getting me on my knees for him, spreading my legs for him to fit perfectly between. He used the mess I made on his hand to warm himself up. The sound of his slick hand working himself was so hot that I physically whimpered in my post-orgasm haze. My mind was just running on a loop of him. Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, he's everything. He's all that mattered. He knew how to take everything else away, he took such good care of me.
My mind reeled, playing slideshows of the times Harry has taken care of me in hushed, dark rooms. We play so lovely together in the dark. High school, his hand over my mouth to muffle the sounds while he fucked the frustration out of me after a long week of fighting with my parents. College, all the nights he'd spend kissing me through orgasms before finals. Coaching me through orgasms when we were both exhausted after work, claiming orgasms in coat closets or friend's bathrooms when we both needed to feel the tension release. He was so good to me when he wanted to be.
"Ready for me?" He asked as he pressed himself against me and leaned over me to kiss the folds of skin that covered my shoulder blades.
I answered him with a breathless "always," and he hummed against my skin as he lined up and thrust inside me. We gasped together, mouths hung open at the addicting sensation of him inside me. I knew we wouldn't last long, but that was okay, I'd be so exhausted when it was over that I'd fall right to sleep in his bed.
"Never gets old, you take me like you were made for me." He was talking to the ceiling, his head thrown back as his hands held my hips steady.
"I was." I was breathless, delirious, and too far gone to stop myself from saying things that could be used to hurt me later. I just didn't have it in me, I just wanted to love him. I loved him for so long, letting just a little bit of it out felt so good.
He pulled me up to him then and sat back on his heels so he could stay inside me, he fucked me harder and held my jaw as he turned my head to look at him over my shoulder. I was whimpering and whining, my legs shook and I felt completely out of control of my body. I loved it. "Say that again," Harry said through his teeth as he buried his face in my neck.
"I was ma- oh! made for you. He kissed me so hard like he was screaming at me as gently as he could. He ravaged my mouth as he fucked into me harder and I could feel the heat start to flood my body.
"Made for me?" He whispered against me as he pulled away and held my eye contact.
"Made for you," I whispered back.
"Just for me?" His thrusts got sloppy, he was about to cum. He was holding me so tight, as much of me as he could possibly fit in his arms.
"Only you. Always you." He whined out my name as he came, and left fingernail imprints in his arms as I tried to steady myself while my second orgasm washed through me. I was exhausted, but I felt alive.
We fell asleep that night in his bed, with a blanket laid over his dirtied sheets. His arm laid under my head and his breath hit my forehead in steady patterns as he fell asleep. I whispered so quietly, I thought for sure he wouldn't hear me, but just like all those nights in high school, he did. "I adore you, Harry," I said.
"You're everything, Ash." He whispered back to me in the dark.
Those kinds of moments never last though. By the end of that week, we were arguing.
Harry had been acting very strange, and I knew that we weren't like "official" or whatever, but if he was fucking around with someone else I truly didn't know how I'd survive it. He was on the phone all the time, always talking so hushed and quiet. He wouldn't answer my texts or calls for hours on end and then just appear at my apartment and cook me dinner and fuck me senseless like nothing was wrong.
Four days passed, and I said nothing. I thought maybe he was just fighting with Niall or something, I hadn't seen any of the boys in weeks. I hadn't seen Rose or Bash in over a month. I saw my clients and Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, he was all I ever saw. He was the only one I wanted to see, he was the only one who understood what I was feeling, and now he was being a fucking sneak!
On the fifth day, I snapped. His phone rang and he went for a "walk" because it was "important" but he'd "be right back." I was livid. I put every piece of clothing I had there in garbage bags, packed the toothbrush and the shoes and the snacks he bought because I liked them, and my cigarettes, and the throw pillows I bought. I put it all in garbage bags and was prepared to pay for a taxi to haul me and all my shit back to my apartment.
I was in the middle of saying goodbye to Evie when he walked through the door.
"What the hell?" He asked as he stepped in and around one of the three big bags. "What is all this? What's going on?" I could see the tension in his features, I knew he was hiding something from me and it was stressing him out. He picked up one of the bags and ripped it open while I set the cat down and told him to stop. My clothes fell out onto the floor and he looked at me with a mix of confusion, anger, and hurt in his eyes.
"What the fuck is this, Ashton? What is-"
"Are you kidding me!? What do you mean what is this? This is my shit! This is all my shit! I put it in bags so I can take it back to MY apartment." I stormed to the kitchen to get a new bag.
"Why?" He sounded exhausted and thoroughly confused.
"Why!? Because you're fucking sneaking around, that's why! I'm so sick of you hiding shit!" I was yelling as I shook out the bag loudly, Evie ran to the bedroom.
"I just have to take this, I'll be right back," I mocked him in his stupid accent with his stupid words that he kept spewing at me. I didn't even give him time to speak, I just kept going as I shoved my clothes in.
"Because you keep locking yourself in your bedroom and whispering phone conversations! Because you keep ignoring me for hours and then pretending like nothing happened! Because you're fucking lying to me!" I finally looked up at him on that last one and his lips were rolled in on themselves like he was stopping himself from yelling back at me.
I tied the bag and stood, hands on my waist, a pissed-off pout on my face, and I said what my head had been telling me for days. "So whoever she is, whoever is taking so much of your precious fucking attention, she can have you!! I'm not doing this shit! If you don't want to be with me, fine! Don't just keep me around because I'm a better fuck!" The insecurity just poured from my mouth after clawing its way down from my brain. His mouth hung open, he looked at me like I was insane.
"Are we seriously doing this again? Is this a joke? Am I being Punk'd?" Eyes wide, he looked around the room and stuttered around words, but said nothing.
I couldn't stand there feeling stupid for the things I said. I had convinced myself that I knew exactly what was going on and that he was playing dumb to make me feel humiliated. "Oh, go to hell, Harry!" I gathered my bags, stormed out of his apartment, and slammed the door in his face.
"Ashton!" Was the last thing he yelled, and the last thing I heard was his fist hit the door as I walked away.
"Fuck!" I hissed as I cradled my throbbing hand. I had just about had it with the entire Payne family at that point. This was the cherry on top of the fucking shit show that the last week had been.
Jameson Payne was calling me every single day, telling me I couldn't leave. Every single day he told me that if I had been doing a better job running my shit, Louis wouldn't be dead. If I had been focused instead of "playing around" in the studio, my friend would be alive today. Super fun phone calls, essentially.
Every call I told him that he was wrong and that I didn't want to do this anymore. I told him that I respected him, which was obviously a lie, but that I didn't want to do it. I told him I'd train my replacement, I told him that the team would stay on, he didn't have to lose anyone else but me. That's usually about the time he'd remind me that we lost Lou.
I told him he'd save money if he replaced me, he could pay my replacement much less than he was paying me. He told me he didn't need to save money, he had one less employee to pay. I told him he'd get new business with a new dropper, and he told me he didn't want new business. He wanted his clientele to see how loyal we were, it was a good reputation to have.
We fought every single day, and I did it in hushed whispers, or outside so that he'd never hear Ashton's voice. I never let him hear her because I knew the second that he did, I was fucked. He'd use her against me to get me to stay. My only weakness and he knew it.
He told me once in high school that he saw the way I watched his daughter, the way I watched everyone around her. He told me that his little girl was too good for a criminal like me and to stay away from her. When I reminded him that he was also a criminal he busted my lip open.
There was a time in college when we were practically a couple, things were more serious between us than they'd ever been. She had answered the phone one night and told him that she was at my place, that I was taking care of her. I didn't get paid for a month. He told me he'd take her out of school before she could graduate if he heard of us spending time together again. He told me she'd never be able to get a good job without a college degree and that she'd have to stay at home with them.
I had a new girlfriend every month or so after that.
He would use her against me to get me to stay, and then I could never get out and never be with Ash and my whole fuckin' life would be ruined. So yeah, I was taking phone calls outside. I was ignoring her most of the day because I was in warehouses in the meatpacking district trying to do Louis' job and my own and run the fucking studio. When I wasn't working, I was arguing with Jameson.
I felt so bad, and I just wanted to see her, so I'd show up at her apartment and turn off my phone for a couple of hours and cook her dinner so she ate something that didn't come from a box. I'd eat with her and listen to her tell me about her clients, and then I'd kiss her and touch her and try my best to remind her that I wanted to be here. That she's what I wanted.
Apparently, my best was not good enough.
That seemed to be a recurring theme in my life, but I was so determined to make it work in the end.
I knew if I stayed in my apartment with all of her things gone, I'd drive myself insane. So, I pulled out my phone and called Niall while I walked to the bathroom.
"Hey, H. What's up?" It was nice to hear his voice sound like him again.
"I'm coming over." I tucked the phone between my ear and shoulder and opened the second drawer in my vanity.
"Oh! Uhm, you know, actually now is not a great tim-" Sorry bud, not optional. I found the "panic pills" that my doc gave me, they pair with my daily meds if I need an extra boost.
"Wasn't a question, Ni, make it a good time. I'm walking, you have 30 mins." I needed the air.
"Well that doesn't really-" I knew he was trying to do something with G, and I felt bad, but I really didn't have another safe alternative.
"Niall. I need to come over." I tried to make my tone give off the severity of the situation, and he finally understood.
"Okay. Okay, yeah, I got you. 30 minutes. You're walking? Do you want me to come get you?" He got it, thank god.
"No, I need the walk." I tossed a pill back and ran cold water into the sink so I could ground myself before I left.
"Okay, be careful, H. I'll see you soon."
My plan was to take a couple of hours to cool off and figure out what to tell her and then show up at her apartment and grovel, I guess. I was so tired of lying. I just wanted everything to be as it was, sexy and heated and soft and flawed, but perfect. My favorite times with my favorite girl.
I went to my apartment, hauled those three bags of shit upstairs, and then immediately headed for the cafe. I hadn't seen Rose or Bash in so long, I needed them. I missed them, and selfishly, I needed someone to listen to me talk about Harry.
If we're being honest, that's the real reason that I went to the cafe.
I walked in and saw Bash behind the counter with a freshly buzzed head, a couple of new tattoos, and a summer glow. Rose was busy as ever, handing out orders with a bright smile. Her smile doubled when she saw me and my cheeks warmed at the response.
"Hey hermit crab, got tired of your shell, huh?" Bash pulled open the counter door and pulled me into a hug before asking their employee Ricky to cover for him and taking me to the back.
"Something like that. Hi! How are you!? Look at your head! This is hot, l love it." I ran my hands over his fuzzy, nearly bald head.
"Thank you, it's been a big hit with the ladies." He wiggled his eyebrows at me and it made me laugh.
"When have you not been a big hit with the ladies?"
"Touché" His smile was proud and lighthearted.
Rosie came to the back and gave me a tight hug. I was so relieved to see her that I started blabbing immediately.
"Thank god you're here, you won't believe this shit! Things have been SO good with Harry, right? So good, too good. I knew they were too good, and now he's like sneaking around and he's ignoring me for hours on end, then just showing up out of the blue and acting like nothing happened! Is this that love-bomb thing that abusers do? Oh my god is he an abuser? No. No, he's not an abuser, I shouldn't have said that. I-"
"Are you serious right now?" Rose looked pissed and it just validated my decision to come here.
"I know, right!? The fucking audacity of-" She stepped away from me and put her hand up, silencing me.
"We haven't seen you in a month. Probably over a month now, and you come in here to start telling me about your piece of shit boyfriend that I already told you was a piece of shit!?" Sebastian stepped toward her side and stood quietly with his head down.
"He's not a piece of shit, he's just-" She didn't even know him, she had no business talking about him that way.
"You haven't been to a family dinner in MONTHS. You haven't even sent a text in well over a month, even with us reaching out to check on you. You haven't stopped by, you haven't let us know if you're doing okay or even if you're doing bad so that we could be there for you. You literally suck right now." My chest constricted and I knew she was kind of right, but she didn't understand my side. I was a little wrapped up in things, but I was still there!
"Rosie-" I stepped toward her to try to get her to understand my side, but she stepped further away from me.
"Don't 'Rosie' me. The Ashton we know and love would never have been like this. I'm happy for you, that you got your friends back or whatever, but weren't you the one who ran from them in the first place? Didn't you want to get away from them? 90% of the time all you have to say about Harry is how awful he is. Why the fuck are you still wasting your time with him!?"
"You don't-" I was getting kind of pissed. She made her point, but she had no idea how Harry was! She had no right to speak about him that way, I just wanted her to listen to me.
"You know what, I don't care! I miss you. I miss the you that gave a shit about people other than those guys. They seem like great guys, and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. If you want to waste your time with a guy who you don't even like, that's not my business anymore. I have a business to run, I gotta go. Call me if you ever get your head outta his ass."
Her bringing up the loss of Louis was a slap to the face. I was still reeling at the fact that someone just drove down the street and shot my best friend dead for no reason. She just didn't get it, but she didn't need to be a bitch about it.
"You don't know what you're talking about and it makes you sound like a real bitch. I came here to see my friends and CLEARLY I was mistaken in assuming that that's what you were. Keep your opinions on Harry to yourself, you don't know him and you apparently don't know me. I can't believe I thought you'd get it." I walked out of that building and didn't walk back in for a very, very long time.
I didn't understand then that she was right. I was too consumed with myself to see what kind of person I'd become.
I paid an uber to take me to Brooklyn, to take me to Liam. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch movies, and not talk, and just have someone be there for me and get it. When I showed up Cora let me in, but she was stiff. Liam was on the phone in the living room, he was shouting at whoever he was talking to. When he met my eyes, he started to whisper. He walked away.
He took the call outside.
I remember thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" and looking at Cora like she held answers for me. She wouldn't meet my eyes though, just asked if I was staying for dinner and If I wanted a drink. Something was wrong, I could feel it. There was something they were keeping from me.
I remember thinking that maybe whatever took Liam outside is what was taking Harry outside too, but why? What? What could those two be doing together that would be such a damn secret? In the old days, it would have been drug work. There would have been secrets about drop-offs and product splitting and profit sharing, but they didn't do that anymore. They had real jobs now, there was no shady mystery in their lives anymore. The only mystery that I could think of was, "Who killed Louis, and why?" It was the mystery that kept me up at night, the reason I couldn't sleep.
Foolishly, I talked myself into believing that that was their secret mystery too. I found myself explaining away all of Harry's behavior that I had found so horrible just a few hours ago. I created a narrative in my head that Harry and the boys were just trying to get to the bottom of their friend's death. They just wanted to keep me out of it, they just wanted to keep me safe.
When I got a text from Zayn asking about a movie night with the whole crew at Niall's, I agreed to be there with no hesitation. I talked myself out of my anger, I made them out to be flawed heroes. They were just avenging a death that the police had written off.
It's hard to know how far gone you are when you're in it. It's much easier to see now, the lengths that I went to live in the narrative that I wanted.
Liam came back, my anger was gone. He drove the three of us to Niall's and we walked through the door to what felt like the first normal gathering since before the funeral. As soon as I walked it, I went for Harry. He must have been surprised, because he fussed with his drink as I approached him.
"Can I talk to you for just a minute? I just want to-" He was speaking so quickly, frantically trying to get words out before I'd shut him down."
"You can talk to me as long as you'd like, dimples." I tried to say it with a smile, to let him know that this wasn't hostile territory.
His brows furrowed, but he leaned in closer to me, stepping into my personal space so we could both feel that hum of energy between us. "Yeah?" He asked softly while his eyes traced over my face.
"Mhm. I may have been a little frantic earlier, a bit dramatic. You promise you weren't with someone else?" My eyes dropped to his hands holding the beer in between us.
"Wouldn't want to be with anyone else." He said it so matter-of-factly.
"You mean it?" I met his eyes then, and he laughed.
"When I kissed you that night, I meant it. I'm done with the games, life is too fuckin' short. What's not clicking in that head of yours, pretty girl? How many times do I have to tell you that you're everything, poppet?"
"Maybe just one more wouldn't hurt." I smiled up at him and leaned in toward his chest.
"You're everything, Ashton. Absolutely everything." He leaned down and whispered it into my ear. Then he kissed my cheek, and walked away from me.
He was everything too.
——————————-
hey, hi, hello
y'all love to yell at me for past tense, like this whole book isn't written in past tense.
i missed their smut. i love them. 🥰