TW: mention of abuse and victim blaming
Kabanata 28
Hindi maipinta ang mukha ni Etienne. I could even feel the animosity around him. Walang gana n'ya kaming tiningnan ni CL. Tito Cruz irritatingly squealed upon seeing Etienne, hindi nito napigilan na maglahad ng kamay.
"Etienne Soteiro! I rarely see you in these events, balita ko ay may girlfriend ka ngunit bakit di ko naman kilala? Are you hiding her? That's a really mean thing to do!" nagtatampong aniya.
"I don't talk to irrelevant people," Etienne smiled. I was frozen by the coldness of how his lips formed.
I shifted my weight. Lalapit na sana ngunit agad na nasemento sa aking kinatatayuan nang dumapo muli sa akin ang tingin ni Etienne.
Nalaglag ang panga ni Tito Cruz. Hindi man lang siya mukhang na-offend. He even looked intrigued. Lalong lumawak ang ngisi nito sa labi.
"Ah! That's right." Tumawa si Tito Cruz at binaling sa iba ang atensyon. "Nagtago ka nga pala sa ibang bansa! Huwag ka magalala, hindi ko naman ipagkakalat na pumatol ka sa matanda."
I looked at Etienne and saw how his look shifted. He always looks like he's composed and he doesn't care. Subalit kilala ko siya. The way he wasn't able to answer back means something. I memorized him enough knowing his silence means something. It was even louder than words.
Etienne is hurting right now. The hidden mist on his eyes and the way his adam's apple moved— I know that he doesn't know what to say.
I glared at Cruz or whoever this fucking man is! Akmang susugurin ko siya at tatadyakan sa mukha nang pigilan ako ni CL. Hinawakan n'ya ako sa aking braso.
"Cruz!" singhal ni CL. "That's enough. I would like to escort you outside the area."
"CL naman! What's wrong with it? I'm sure that Etienne loved it anyway, hindi ko nga alam bakit pinakulong pa kung ginusto rin naman 'yon ni Etienne. He's a man after all, he probably enjoyed —"
"Shut up! Sino ka para sabihin 'yan?!" sikmat ko. Winaksi ko ang hawak sa akin ni CL at agad na hinablot si Tito Cruz.
"Ano ba! Stop acting like a low class bitch! Wala akong ginawang masama!" reklamo n'ya nang kaladkarin ko siya palayo kina Etienne.
I don't want Etienne to hear any of those bullcraps anymore! Hindi ako papayag na ginaganito n'ya lang si Etienne. I don't even know where he got the guts to even spat those words out!
"You don't poke fun at people's trauma! At sino ka para sabihin na ginusto 'yon ni Etienne?!"
"He's a man!"
"And he can still get assaulted!" I shrieked, mahigpit na ang hawak ko sa kan'yang braso. "I know you gain money for your gossip and shits but leave Etienne alone. Ako mismo ang magpapalubog sa iyo."
Napapiksi siya. "What can you do? Hindi mo ako kilala. Sayang dahil kayang-kaya ko pa naman tulungan ka kay CL dahil balita ko ay kayong dalawa ang hinihintay ng mga Soteiro umamin. Your relationship with Etienne—"
"You knew?!" I angrily shouted. "Alam mo pala pero tinuloy mo pa rin 'yong article mong walang kwenta?!"
Natawa siya. "Your fake relationship? Of course. Kalat naman sa amin na kaya ka lang na kay Etienne ngayon dahil naaawa ka 'di ba? Because of what happened? But dear, what if ginusto n'ya rin 'yon?"
My chest deflated, feeling the burden of a thousand emotions. I remember Etienne crying because people were looking at him differently. I remember how he flinches whenever someone touches him without his permission. I remember how he doubts anyone who shows affection to him. Pakiramdam ko ay kinakapos ako ng hininga.
"You're a horrible person who only lives to be a complete shit," sabi ko sa kan'ya. "He didn't want that. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't get hurt. It doesn't automatically mean that permission is always granted because of his gender."
Girls are often victim-blamed for being assaulted. Yet, it was even worse for some men because people think they can't get assaulted. Pinahid ko ang ilang luha na lumabas sa aking mata. My mom, Etienne and a lot of people buried their deepest scars because most tend to think they cause it themselves. We live in a society where we get hurt but people think it was our fault — for thinking that we are hurt and bruised.
Tito Cruz shrugged off. "Dear, aren't you too focused on your role? I wonder what Etienne offers to you? Compared to him, CL is a better man. Someone who doesn't have a past."
"I wonder if someone could even love a horrible person like you," I sneered. "Hindi mo maiintindihan ang isang bagay na kahit kailan ay hindi maibibigay sa 'yo. Walang magmamahal sa 'yo sa paraang hindi titingnan ang nakaraan mo o mga sugat mo noon dahil hindi ka gano'n. If you only love a person in their best, then you're the worst."
Nagtaas lang ng kilay si Cruz. I turned my back at him and went back to Etienne.
"Don't mistake pity for love, dear!" Halakhak n'ya pa sa akin. Halatang nangaasar. I secretly raise my middle finger at him.
Pagod na akong umintindi ng mga taong hindi naman ako iniintindi.
Believe me when I tell you that in this world if there's hay, people would still opt to find a needle in it. People would still ransack your good deeds in order to find something to use against you. Yet, they never did that to themselves. Kaya ka nilang siraan dahil sira na rin sila.
Dalawa lang naman ang klase ng tao sa mundo. Ang hinahanap ang mali sa sarili at ang naghahanap ng mali sa kapwa. And it is honestly frustrating that even if you don't do anything, the world is too eager to find faults in you. Kahit estranghero ka lang sa kanila. Kahit hindi ka nila lubusang kilala. Hahanapan ka nila ng butas.
Natigilan lang ako maglakad nang makita na naguusap si Etienne at CL. Etienne was gritting his teeth, nagpipigil ng luha. My heart hammered against my chest. My boy. . .
"Etienne, calm down."
"You told me you weren't interested anymore! Bakit ka pa ba bumalik?" Etienne asked CL, namamaos ang boses.
"Calm down. . ." Napapikit si CL at hinawakan ang kan'yang sintido. "Nothing's between us. I swear, Etienne. Ngayon lang ulit kami nagusap."
"Caer. . . I rarely ask anyone in any way. . ." Etienne sounded weak and defeated. "Please let me have Lavender. . . She's the o-only person that understands me."
"Etienne. . ." CL sighed. "Mahal ka ni Solstice. . ."
Hindi sumagot si Etienne. His eyes darted in my direction. Agad itong pumungay. I went towards him and looked at CL.
"We have to go, pakisabi na lang na nilagnat ako o di kaya nabangga ako ng sampung truck."
"Solstice!" CL widened his eyes. "Your words. . ."
I chuckled dryly. "Kaya mo na 'yon. Just make up an excuse. Mauuna na kami ni Etienne."
Hinawakan ko sa kamay si Etienne. I squeezed it gently when it felt cold. Nanginginig siya at halatang balisa. His gray eyes were slowly forming storms in them. Lalong dumidilim habang papalayo kami nang papalayo.
He was about to open the driver's seat when I stopped him. Naglahad ako ng kamay sa kan'yang harapan. His eyes dropped at my hands.
"I'll drive."
"I can. . ." giit n'ya.
"Etienne, please let me drive. I'll take you home."
I sounded desperate because I was. Gusto ko na lang siya i-uwi. It was years ago, hindi na nga namin pinaguusapan ang tungkol doon. Bumuntonghininga si Etienne at inabot sa akin ang susi ng sasakyan.
I held my breath as I started the engine and watched him sitting on the right side of the car. His shoulders were tense and his eyes were misty.
"Do you want to. . ." I swallowed hard, napakapit sa manibela. "Talk about what happened before?"
"Let's talk about why you're with CL," he diverted the topic. "Tell me honestly, ano'ng pinagusapan n'yo? Will you. . . Are you. . ." He leaned frustratedly on his seat.
Mahina siyang napasabunot sa sarili n'ya. He was probably going through a brief breakdown. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya matutulungan. I watched him sob over the thoughts that he can't tell me.
"I just want to be happy. . ." daing n'ya. "I may not be the best person but I'm not that horrible. . . I may have done bad things but I'm not a bad person. . . Why can't they let me have you? W-why do people always have to compare me to him. . ."
"Etienne. . ."
"Lavy, CL used to like you," pag-amin ni Etienne. Umawang naman ang labi ko.
"I was desperate before because I knew that there was a possibility that both of you would end up together. So I. . ." Etienne swallowed hard. Kitang-kita ko ang hinagpis n'ya sa bawat salita. "I don't know. . ."
"You did what?" tanong ko. Hindi na ako nakatiis at pinarke ko sa gilid ang kotse. I looked at him and caressed his face.
"It's okay," I affirmed his feelings. "You can tell me, I won't judge you. . ."
"I wanted to find your mother, not solely because I care for you. I wanted you to see that I was more capable of CL, I was eaten by the desire to impress you that. . ." his gray eyes glistened because of brimming tears.
He turned to me and gave a sad smile. "I'm sorry, Lavender. I might not be better than Caer. He's selfless while I'm selfish. He won't harm anyone while I don't even care if I hurt someone. He—"
I cut him off by kissing his cheeks. "The difference between you and Caer is I love you and I don't love him."
Patuloy na umaalpas ang mga luha sa kan'yang mga mata. Pinahid ko naman ito para sa kan'ya.
"People would think you're dumb for choosing me over someone as righteous as CL. . ." aniya.
"Pakialam ko ba sa kanila?" I rolled my eyes.
"Their opinions. . ."
Umiling naman ako sa kan'ya. "The truth is, we don't blame people for their opinions. Instead we blame ourselves for not being able to reach their shitty standards on whether they'll treat someone nice or not. But that's not right, Etienne. If others can't be nice to you, you have to be kind to yourself."
You can't force people to be kind to you. Even the world can't always be kind. You have to squeeze every ounce of kindness from yourself — and give it to yourself too. Hindi palaging inuuna ang iba. Mas mahalaga na mas mabait ka sa sarili mo dahil habang lumilipas ang panahon — mas mapagtatantuan mo na ang mayroon ka ay ang sarili mo lang din. No one can replace the love and kindness you can give to yourself.
Hinawakan n'ya ang kamay ko at hinalikan ang aking mga palad. His kisses trailed to my shoulders and I let him. I held on to his hair and made sure he had an entrance beyond my shirt.
"I love you. . ." I coaxed as I took off a few of his buttons. "I love. . . You. . ."
𐂴 ৫ ⧉ꕤ
"Kumusta kayo ni Etienne?" tanong ni Mama habang pinagbabalat ako ng mansanas.
Niyaya ko si Etienne na pumunta muna sa isla upang magaliw-aliw. I notice how his entire mood plummet down after that party. Minabuti ko rin na tanggihan lahat ng mga party na may ganap ang mga Soteiro. I didn't want to see CL and that Tito Cruz.
I sighed. "Okay naman kami, Ma."
"Pasensya na kung di ako pwedeng sumama sa iyo sa Maynila," her eyes softened upon seeing the deep frown on my face. "Gustuhin ko man na mabantayan ka, maraming may galit sa akin doon."
"Did you. . ." I bit my lower lip. Hindi alam kung tama ba na ipagpatuloy ko ang itatanong ko.
Mama faced me with questions swirling in her eyes. Marahil ay nagtataka rin kung ano ang gusto kong itanong.
"Ano 'yon, Lavy?"
"Minahal mo ba si Alfos?"
Her lips twitched upon the mention of his name.
"Your father. . ." ani Mama at agad umiling. "Sa tingin ko ay minahal ko siya ngunit alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi 'yon ang pagmamahal na gusto n'ya."
"Ano'ng ibig mong sabihin?"
"Alfos and I loved each other but I was only in love with the idea of him." Ngumiti si Mama sa akin. "Alfos was rich, good looking and he used to do charities. Akala ko noon ay suwerte ako dahil nakilala ko siya. Dayanara, my sister, liked him too but she respected our relationship. Nasaktan ako nang malaman ko na ikakasal si Alfos sa iba kahit na kasintahan n'ya ako noon. . ."
"He cheated?"
"Gusto kong sabihin na hindi ngunit sa pagbaling n'ya ng tingin kay Dayanara sa pagkawala ko. . ." Mama sighed. "Hinanap n'ya sa iba ang pagmamahal na hindi ko kayang ibigay."
"Do you hate Dayanara?" I gulped. "For doing that?"
"I hate her for killing Solstice. Hindi dahil sumama siya kay Alfos. Hindi ko siya masisisi kung bakit pinatulan n'ya si Alfos dahil lumaki kami na iniisip na kailangan namin mag-asawa o magka-anak upang matawag na masaya."
"I wanted to meet Solstice. . ."
Ngumiti si Mama nang malungkot. "Hindi alam ni Alfos na kambal ang naging anak namin. Pilit n'yang kinuha si Solstice mula sa akin. Tinago kita kahit alam kong baka mahirapan ka sa buhay natin. Sumama ako sa isang lalaking hindi ko mahal para lang maprotektahan ka mula sa mga mata nila. I wanted Dayanara to think I led a bad life so she can stop tailing me. Hindi ko inakalang gusto n'ya ako ipapatay. . ."
"She was your sister. . ." namamaos kong saad.
"Alam ko na iniisip mo na sinisisi ko siya ngunit alam ko rin na ang mga kilos n'ya ay dahil kay Alfos. Alfos can never assure her that he loves her more than how he loved me. Oftentimes, people blame the woman for the actions of a man. It was easier to blame them because they are looked down upon in our society."
"Bakit hindi ka sumama kay Alfos? Kung alam mong mas magiging maganda ang buhay mo sa kan'ya?"
Ngumiti siya sa akin at hinawakan ang aking kamay. She gripped my hand to assure me that she was alright. "Hindi natatama ng isang mali ang isa pang pagkakamali. The only silver lining that I got from our relationship was you and your sister, Lavy. Kayo lang."
"You have sacrificed a lot for me. . ." nagbabadya ang mga luha ko. To learn her story and how much she suffered in order for me to have a good life. . .
"Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakabawi sa pagkukulang ko. Hindi ko rin inakala na babalik ka sa kanila. Pakiramdam ko ay palagi akong kulang, anak. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko maibigay sa 'yo ang buhay na dapat mayroon ka."
Parang nagpapawis ang kan'yang mga mata. Agad n'ya itong pinahid at binigyan ako ng isang ngiti na puno ng pagpapasalamat.
"You have given me a lot, hindi ka kulang." I assured her.
"Mahirap maging ina, Lavender. Ang tanging hiling ko lang ay ang kasiyahan mo, kahit hindi na ako. Kapag ina ka, kung minsan ay hindi ka na humihinga para sa sarili mo — kundi para sa mga anak mo. Nandito pa ako dahil nand'yan ka, anak."
Niyakap namin ang isa't isa. Mahigpit ang mainit ang naging yakapan namin lalo na't nararamdaman ko ang kan'yang luha sa aking mga braso.
I want to live longer because I know my mom deserves better. Lahat ng mga naging sakripisyo n'ya para sa akin, gusto ko itong maibalik. Hindi man ngayon ngunit alam kong darating ang araw na hindi na n'ya kailangang magtago.
𐂴 ৫ ⧉ꕤ
"Bakit?" Etienne asked upon noticing my scornful reaction.
"Nagpalit ka ng pabango?" asik ko sa kan'ya, extremely irritated.
Nangunot ang noo ni Etienne sa akin. "No?"
"Magpalit ka ng pabango. I don't like the smell." I squeezed my nose.
"Okay, ano'ng amoy gusto mo? But Lavender, apat na beses mo na akong pinagpalit ng pabango?"
"It makes me want to vomit," I confessed.
"Grabe ka naman?" He lightly chuckled.
"Totoo nga! Hindi ka naman mabaho, ayoko lang ng amoy." I said. My eyebrows furrowed upon seeing him smiling on the side.
Etienne only smiled and shook his head.
Tanga, bakit ka ngumingiti? Lalo akong naiirita. I sighed to myself. I'm being extra sensitive these weeks, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Gusto ko kagatin sa pisngi si Etienne. I want to be enfolded in his arms. But I don't like his scent. It makes my stomach create invisible knots.
"Balita ko ay sinara ang column at blogs ni Cruz?" tanong ko. I want to confirm my hunch, hindi rin kasi biro ang mapatahimik ang isang tulad ni Cruz. He's known for being the best gossip maker among the rich. Kung sino man ang nagpatumba sa kan'ya, it means the rich fear his or her wrath so they didn't meddle with it.
"Well deserved," Etienne said while nodding. "Ang hilig n'ya kasi gumawa ng mga kwento. Kung pinagkakalat n'ya sana kung gaano kapatay na patay sa akin baka natuwa pa ako."
Ah, from his statement — it looks like he did something about it. Minabuti ko na lang ibalik ang tingin ko sa harapan. I tried to divert the discussion because it makes me feel uneasy that Etienne has to do something that isn't ethical.
Ngumisi naman ako sa kan'ya. "Ha? Baka ikaw 'yon. I'm sure that if we had a child, kamukha mo."
"Huh?" Etienne widened his eyes innocently.
"Kung sino raw kasi ang nasarapan, siya raw magiging kamukha." I blurted out.
"Lavy!" Etienne screeched. Napahinto bigla ang kotse. Agad naman akong naumpog sa aking upuan.
Minasahe ko ang aking ulo at masamang tumingin sa kan'ya. "What?! Obvious naman na mas nag-enjoy ka!" Mamamatay na ako pero di ako aamin na mas nagustuhan ko!
"Why are we even talking about this?" Etienne sexily groaned. Or am I hearing that right? Pakiramdam ko si Etienne na ang pinakapoging nilalang na nakilala ko. Mali na yata ang paningin ko.
Napanguso naman ako. I hate how he smells like mint or fresh from applying his shower gel but his face is too enthereal.
"May kasabihan din daw na kung sino ang mahal na mahal ng asawa ay 'yon ang magiging kamukha. So, if we did have a child, at kamukha ko — it means you love me that much," Etienne boasted.
Agad naman akong ngumiwi. "Edi sana kamukha ko! Because I love myself so much!"
"Why are we even talking about a child?" Halakhak ni Etienne. Agad naman siyang napatikhim. "Are you. . . Open about the possibility that you'll have kids? Kasi, I don't want to force you to face obligations as a parent, Lavy. Kahit pangarap ko pa na magka-anak na kamukha mo."
Saglit akong natigilan. Hindi ko alam bakit naiiyak ako. "Gusto ko naman? I like kids. But I don't think it's not the time yet. Hindi pa tayo nakaka-graduate. And I want to get married too."
Nanglaki ang mga mata ni Etienne. "With me?"
"Malamang? Alangan kay Snyder?" I sneered. Tinawanan lang ako ni Etienne.
After he parked the car, we parted ways. Subalit imbis na dumiretso ako sa klase ay nakipagkita ako kay Snyder sa likod ng aming school building.
"You'll cut classes for this?" tanong ni Snyder habang inaabot ang isang folder sa akin.
I nodded. "'Yon lang ang oras na wala si Etienne. Anyway, dalian na lang natin. I just want to make sure of something."
"Meeting his tutor wouldn't change the past."
"But I want to make sure that she has no control of Etienne anymore. Ayoko na nabubuhay siyang hindi pinagsisisihan ang ginawa n'ya."
"She's in jail. The sentence is actually just light however, patong-patong ang naging kaso at parami ito nang parami. I don't know if it's the truth or the Soteiros are just making sure that she can't get out of that cell." aniya.
Binuksan ko ang kotse ni Snyder. I squeezed my nose once again and looked at him. Snyder raised his eyebrow at me.
"What?"
"Palitan mo sasakyan mo, I don't like the smell."
"What the fuck, Lavy?"
Pumasok na kami sa sasakyan. I started the engine so I could open the windows to get the smell away. Nilanghap ko ang hangin mula sa labas.
"I'm pretty sure I always clean my car," Snyder looks bothered. Tinitingnan kung may naiwan bang kalat na nagbibigay sa akin ng masamang pangamoy.
I sighed. "I'm sure it's not your fault. Medyo sensitive lang ang pangamoy ko ngayong mga araw. I'll probably go to a doctor or something."
"Ah, parang sa buntis lang."
Binatukan ko si Snyder nang malakas, it even created a smacking sound. Nagulat siya sa akin dahil kahit kailan ay hindi ako nagtataas ng kamay sa kan'ya. Ngayon lang yata. His monolid eyes broadened. Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng isang takot na Snyder.
"Bakit ba ang init ng ulo mo?" Snyder pointed out, putting on his seatbelt. Medyo nanginginig. I felt guilty because I didn't mean to hurt him.
"Sorry! Because!" I glared at him, napalunok ako. "You're acting completely annoying!"
"Lavender, wala pa nga akong ginagawa. May regla ka ba?"
"Ang kapal mo?! Hindi porke't mainit ang ulo ko ay may regla ako! I haven't even had my period for about two months now!" I huffed and maneuvered the car on the nearest parking lot.
Napahilig ako sa aking upuan. Snyder looked at me, tulad ng inaasahan ko ay nanglalaki ang mga mata n'ya.
"I won't ask for details but. . ." Snyder's eyes gradually went towards my stomach. "Gumamit naman kayo 'di ba?"
Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. My lips were sealed as if words are forbidden to come out from it. Napapikit ako nang mariin.
I shook my head.
"What the?" Snyder blinked, disbelief slowly being written on his face.
"Hindi nga kasi kasya!" I cried out. "Shit! Bakit ngayon ko lang na-realize!"
"Magd-doctor ka. . ." Snyder trailed off. "Dapat nagpa-seminar ka kay CL na always ready."
"Shut up, Snyder!" I pouted, frustrated that I could strangle someone right now.
"You sure you still want to meet his tutor? Baka ma-stress ka at ang bata," nagaalalang sabi ni Snyder.
"Di ako buntis!" giit ko. "False alarm lang ito. Feeling mo lang! Snyder kasi!"
I was indenial. Of course there's a larger possibility that I am. . .
Shit.
"I'll drive, I'll also be with you during the visiting hours. I can't let you be alone, lalo na. . ." Snyder's eyes looked down on my stomach. "Fuck, ninong na talaga ako."
"Hindi nga!" I exclaimed.
I can only gulp as we switch positions. Pumunta kami sa isang kilalang kulungan at habang nasa biyahe ay binabagabag ako ng sinabi n'ya. Snyder made sure that I was going there with someone. Siya na rin ang kumausap at nag-asikaso ng mga bagay-bagay. I only waited until everything was finished and we can talk with the tutor.
"Sure ka ba talaga?" Snyder asked. "She can trigger you, Lavy. That woman is completely different."
Tumango ako. "Sigurado nga ako."
Snyder sighed as he led me towards a room. Pagbukas niya ng isang pinto ay may babaing nakaposas at nakatingin sa akin. She smiled at us. And the color on my face gradually lost its color.
"Hello. . . What was your name?" She acted like she was thinking, may isang ngising naglalaro sa kan'yang labi. "Ah, Lavender. . ."
❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜