tw: mentions of attempted self harm
"Approximately two weeks from now."
***
Fuming, I went back to my room. My head was all over the place.
Isabel, Farlan and Sam were all dead. I made promises with Levi, in which is nearly impossible to keep due to my transfer to Garrison. Not to mention, I have no clue how long I'm going to be there for. And Sam confessed his feelings for me moments before his death.
The others weren't made aware of his death, let alone Isabel and Farlan. And I definitely need to be careful bringing their names up not just for my sanity, but for Levi's too.
I sat on the edge of my bed, staring blankly across the room at what was Isabel's side of the room. Now that I wasn't in a dangerous situation, I couldn't help but break down.
They weren't coming back. I sob relentlessly as I go through the memories I had made with the bunch.
Isabel and her large smiles, the way she linked her arm with mine, her green eyes filled with so much glistening hope it seemed impossible.
Farlan and his admiration for Levi, how much he cared about the two he considered family. The advice that came in handy whenever it came into play.
Sam and his overprotective personality, trying his best to protect the three of us to the best of his abilities. The warmth that was so evident in his eyes as he looked at each of us.
As he looked at me.
The door knob twisted, revealing three boys and one girl. I look up at them between the fingers that had held my face.
"Y/N!" Hange exclaimed happily pacing towards me before stopping in the room. Her smile ceased as she glimpsed my tear stained eyes. "What's wrong?" She asked, hurrying to my side, Reece, Moblit and Zion quickly following behind.
"Do you know where Sam is? I haven't seen him since we split up in the formation." Zion asks. I muster up the courage to remove my hands from my face, but couldn't find the strength to look them all in the eye. So I resorted to staring at the floor through blurred vision.
"During the 23rd expedition of the Scouts Regiment, the majority of the Flagon squad and one of the Luca squad were wiped out by an abnormal titan." I take a deep breath, keeping my gaze glued on the floor. "Isabel Magnolia, Farlan Church and Samson Trayt were all killed in action as they served their purpose." I choke out as the room fell dead silent. The only noise sounding was my muffled sniffles.
"What?" Moblit asked just barely above a whisper. I lowered my head into my hands once again as Hange pulled me into her arms.
"If I hadn't hesitated so much, if I hadn't delayed in getting to them faster I could've helped them. I could've saved them but I couldn't! I couldn't do anything to keep my promise. I promised to protect them." I rant, the words falling from my mouth seemingly endlessly.
"I couldn't." I whisper, sniffling lightly. Three extra pairs of arms were wrapped around me as I sat there pouring my feelings out. None of them said anything, even though they were just as close to Sam as I was. They refused to show any emotion, no matter how much their eyes denied it.
"Hey. It's okay. We're here. We may not be them, but we're here regardless." Zion says. The most chaotic of the bunch was the one giving out gentle words.
"I love you guys." I mumble.
"Aw! We love you too!" Hange exclaimed with a bitter happiness, clearly trying to up the mood. I smile to myself, knowing they couldn't see it but they did know how much they truly did mean to me. It didn't occur to me until now that I needed to check on Levi.
"Hey, how about you guys go down to the mess hall for something to eat? I'll go get Levi and bring him down." I smile with puffy red eyes. They all looked at me with pursed lips, questioning glances looking at me from four different directions. "I'll be fine." I reassure.
"Okay. We'll see you soon." Reece says reluctantly as he walks out the door, Hange and Zion slowly following behind as Moblit stayed in front of me.
"If you ever need anything, we're always here to help." He smiled. I returned the gesture, nodding in thanks.
"Likewise. Go get something to eat." I shoo him away playfully with a dry chuckle. As they all disappeared down the corridors, I search through Isabel's belongings, hoping to find something of value that I could give Levi. I searched through her drawers, mainly finding spare clothes and strange objects that looked like they would've been Hange's.
Then I came across a book. It looked worn, the leather cover fading with weather conditions and age. I sat on her bed and flipped to the first page. I chuckle at the terrible handwriting that was scrawled across the paper. Yet it was readable.
I did steal this book from the underground but never found a purpose for it until now.
Even tho I may mispel some words, I will make do with what I was taught.
In this book, I will be righting about some of the adventures I have witnessd on the surface, firstly starting off with the person who taught me such a usful skill.
I look up to a girl named Y/N. She taught me to right, even tho my righting isn't nearly as tidy as hers. She's very strong, like crazy strong. Her family even took me in as there own. I haven't felt so welcomd since I had met Bro and Farlan.
I didn't like her much at first, but she did defend us more then once. Her frends didn't mind us, well, most of them didn't. Sam didn't like us much but he did try his best to warm up to us. But that was okay.
Farlan was always so calm. It was scary sometimes. He was always getting us out of truble with his words. He has very cool blue eyes but sometimes I want to stab them out with his calmness. Lucky I love him.
Him and Bro will always have a place in my hart. Bro could be cold. But he did seem nicer to Farlan and I then most. He has protected us to the end and will try to do that for as long as he can, even tho I say I can defend myself.
Speeking of wich, I did have Y/N promise me to protect Bro and Farlan if something were to happen to me. She didn't hesitate to acsept it, so I know I can have much faith in her.
Tomoro is our first mission ! I thought it would have been in two weeks but turns out Irwin had changed the plans. Y/N said she was going to take us somewhere tonite, I wonder where.
She took us to a cave. It was so pretty, there was a cherry blossom tree that sat in the middle of it and the moon shone down on it. There was even water around the tree! Even Bro seemed impressed with the place. It's never easy to impress him.
Todays the mission. I can't help but feel like something's going to happen. It could be the nerves, but I will keep it a secret. I'll right again when we get back.
I look at the pages she had filled out, pursing my lips at the last paragraph she had written.
She had a feeling all along but didn't want to burden the others.
I closed the book and stood up, exiting the room and closing the door behind me and pacing down the hallway with the book in hand. I arrived at the door that led into Levi's and Farlan's room, reaching a hand up and tapping my knuckles on the wood three times before twisting the knob. I walk in, shocked by the scene before me.
Levi sat against the wall on the ground, his teeth gritted and his forearm bare, his hand wielding that of a small pocket knife as he held it to his forearm.
"Levi, put it down." I say cautiously, slowly moving closer to him. It was clear in his expression he was fighting against the urge to glide the blade across his skin. "It won't help, this isn't the right way to cope." I say gently crouching to a kneeling position beside him. His eyes were squeezed shut as quivery breaths were being sounded from his mouth.
I gently place my hand on the hand that wielded the blade, feeling him shiver with the contact I had made.
"Give me the knife, Levi. This isn't fair to yourself or anyone else. They wouldn't want this." I whisper stroking the back of his tightly clenched hand. His grip loosened on the knife and I slide it out from his fingertips, placing it far from his reach.
"I could've done something." He whispered as a subtle tear subconsciously left his eye. "But it happened again. The people I love most lost their lives in front of me. And I couldn't do anything to stop it."
"Don't let the guilt eat at you. It wasn't your fault." I say. He turned to argue. "Nothing can make me change my mind, Levi. In fact, I blame Erwin for this. I was supposed to be in formation with you guys. If I was there, they could be here with us now. You lost them, I lost Sam." His eyes widened as he looked up at me.
"Sam's dead?" He questioned guiltily. I stiffly nodded.
"He tried to save them in order for you guys to have some form of faith in him." I say. He pursed his lips and lowered his head.
"I'm sorry." He apologized. I widened my eyes.
"No, don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for." I say leaning my back against the wall, straightening out my legs. "Nothing to apologize for except for the fact I walk in the room to find you holding a blade to your wrist!" I exclaim in disbelief. "How stupid are you?!"
"I don't know what came over me." He leaned his head back, his raven hair falling back and his silver eyes gleaming in the little sunlight illuminating the room.
"You should know what came over you, asshole, who knows what would've happened if I didn't come when I did!" I slap him lightly in the arm. He rolled his eyes in response.
"My apologies." He says in obvious sarcasm. I scoffed in response before chuckling lightly. We sat in silence for a few moments before I look down at the book that rested by my thigh.
"I came to get you for dinner, but also to give you this. Considering she was my roommate, I figured I'd find something of hers for you to treasure. There's not much in it but maybe you'd find some sort of comfort in it." I explain as I hand him the diary. He looked at it and slowly took it into his hands.
The room fell silent as he stared at the cover of the book, negotiating with himself on whether he was ready to read what little contents occupied the inside.
"If you want me to leave-" I say beginning to stand up before his hand gripped my forearm.
"No, you can stay." He murmured. I look down at his hand that was wrapped around my arm and back up at him.
"If you insist." I utter quietly as I lower myself onto the floor once more. His hand unlatched itself from my arm. He exhaled heavily as he lifted the cover of the diary, revealing Isabel's writing inside. He breathed out of his nose amused as he realized how horrendous her handwriting is. His eyes flicked from word to word, analyzing each line of ink that had stained the yellowing pages.
"Thank you." He whispered. I raise an eyebrow as I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall.
"Hm?" I hum softly.
"For this book, for everything. I was wrong to judge you so quickly when I first met you." He said. I chuckle.
"You were in the right to judge me from the beginning. We literally kidnapped you." I remind him with a laugh. "You had every right to think the negative."
"I suppose. But, you know, the thing is..." He began making me open my eyes and look at him. "I have no regrets." I furrowed my eyebrows.
"If we didn't come for you, you wouldn't be alone right now." I say.
"That's where you're wrong. I'd like to think I have Hange, Moblit, Zion, Reece. You." He looked at the ground and pressed his lips together.
"Of course you have us. Now that you're here, you're one of us." I lean forward gazing at his face, hoping for him to look at me. And he did. "No matter what, you come to any of us if there's trouble. Hell, I would beat the shit out of anyone if you guys asked me." I chuckled. His lips twitched a little. I narrowed my eyes.
"I'm going to ignore that. Let's go." I say standing up. Levi looked at me confused.
"Ignore what?" He asked, following my actions.
"That near-smile you just did. Come on, I'm hungry." I shrug as I pace to the door.
"What? I never did a near-smile." He argues.
"Yeah, yeah." I sing as I walk down the hallway. As I got to the mess hall, the energy radiating wasn't quite the same as it was last night at dinner. It was dull and knowing that three people I cared so much about will never step foot in here ever again wouldn't stop flashing through my mind.
I approach the table, everyone silent as I take a seat. Hange glanced up at me and smiled.
"Hey, Sunshine." She greeted gently. I smiled in response.
"Heya." I reply.
"Where's Levi?" Reece asked. Just as he said that, Levi walked into the hall and looked around the place. Except he looked different. He looked... blank. As though none of the events that had happened today happened. I frown slightly as I realize he's hiding his emotions and is doing a great job doing so. He walked passed our table and headed for the kitchen to, I assume, get a cup of tea.
"There he is." I answer reaching for a loaf of bread and taking a bite out of it. Reece rolled his eyes.
"Great observation, genius." He retorts making me chuckle. It felt good laughing, but it didn't feel right without them. It was clear everyone was trying to avoid the topic, yet everyone was so desperate to speak about it.
"I do have an announcement to make when he gets back." I look down at the table with a frown.
"Uh oh, I'm scared." Zion says, curiosity getting the best of him as he shifts uncomfortably in his chair. I looked at them in sadness. Levi enters back into the room and sure enough, a cup of tea was being held at the rim with his fingers, held with such delicacy. He walked back to the table and seated himself between me and Reece. He sipped his tea and looked up at the sudden silence that overcame the table.
He expected the attention to be settled on him as he was the only one moving in this moment, only to be surprised by everyone's gaze to be set on me. Naturally, he turned to look at me as well, expecting me to say something. My gaze was concrete on the table, a sense of guilt surrounding me.
"So?" Reece asked confused. I sigh heavily before I began.
"I was called into the Commanders office when we had got back from the mission." I furrowed my eyebrows as I thought about it more. "Against my wishes, I'm being temporarily transferred to Garrison in two weeks."
"What?!" Everyone but Levi exclaimed as they stood up abruptly. Levi looked at me, shock written across his usually emotionless face.
"What do you mean 'getting transferred to Garrison?'" Levi asked lowly.
"Exactly what she said." Erwin approaches the table. My head snaps upwards to glare at the tall man who looked down on us and had done so multiple times today.
"So you're practically forcing her out?" Reece asked narrowing his eyes on him.
"That's not what I said." The Commander replies blankly.
"She just stated against her wishes! What did she do to deserve this?" Zion argues.
"Surely it's not about me disobeying superiors orders after we split up into formation." I say with gritted teeth. To my surprise, he shook his head.
"Actually none of this was my decision. I was asked to keep this specific information confidential but I realised you have the right to know such details." He began. "Squad Captain Felix L/N has requested for your personal transfer to his squad more specifically."
"I swear to God I'm going to fucking kill him." I mutter to myself in rage.
"Who's Felix?" Levi asked perplexed. Hange and Moblit looked at me with a questioning gaze as well considering they hadn't met my family.
"My stupid fucking brother." I seethe. "Of course it would that shithead. How could I be so stupid?" I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.
"Unfortunately, I didn't have a say in the matter, Y/N. If I did, you'd be staying." Erwin continued.
"You can't leave us, Y/N." Hange said sadly. I look up at her as she pouted. My heart throbbed dreadfully at the sight. It wasn't often you'd see Hange sad, and when you did it was truly a depressing sight. And this is the first time I've seen it. I stood up and stepped towards her, spreading my arms in an embrace. She didn't hesitate a little as she stepped forward and accepted the hug.
"I'll try to come back as soon as I possibly can. If I'm gone longer than a week, I'll write to you as often as I can. I promise." I declare over Hange's shoulder. "But after I do leave, look after each other to the best of your abilities." I pull away from Hange.
"Zion. Don't get into trouble. Reece, keep him from doing that. Hange, don't drive Moblit insane. Moblit, take care of yourself. And Levi, don't resort to that. Hang out with this crowd, you don't need to speak. They will keep you sane." I say looking at each of them. They all nodded once. "Commander." I glance at Erwin.
"Keep them alive for me, will you?" I ask. He smiled warmly.
"Spend your time with them wisely, we've no idea how long you're gone for." He spoke. I nod, still not forgiving him for his bluntness throughout the day.
"Will do."
***
Another update 😩 don't worry, I'm ACTUALLY working on WFMI chapter 51, not even joking.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Leave some feedback :D
Aishiteru!
jazz<3