they treated me like an outsider as if my new found faith was less valuable than the brainwashing they grew up with. i wanted to belive so badly. to know him and love him. but he began to ruin me, ruin my life. yo show me how little i mattered. and the christians will say i had to go through it. that it made me stronger. that god belived i could handle it.
but i have never been strong. i was never able to handle it. my brain has betrayed my heart. my body has betrayed my soul. and god has never been on my side. never protecting me not even for one second. christians are the hypocrites they so hate. believing pain a necessary process. i won't believe in a god who claims to be good but allows so much evil.
how could he watch me unconscious face down in my bathtub, and do nothing? how could he watch me feel so unloved and guilty daily, wishing for a relationship with my father, and then take him from me, from the earth? how could he watch me slice myself open in response to all the horror i've survived, and do nothing? how could he watch me beg him to stop, not to choke me, not to force me, not to follow me, how could he watch me plead for my life, and do nothing? how could he claim to be good? my free will will never matter to me so long as i'm happy.