" 'Cause you know what you're doing when you're coming back and I don't want to have another heart attack. Oh, I can't be the kiss that you don't need, the lie between your teeth, the cut that always bleeds."
____________________________
REMUS LUPIN
February, 7th 1979
Remus,
What does that matter now, honestly?
—C.R.E
I run my fingers across the page, feeling the dents where she had pressed the quill to the paper. I can almost picture her writing this—scribbling the messy letters in her unique handwriting. I can imagine the fury pulling her thick eyebrows together and crumpling her forehead.
If i'd been there, I might have laughed. Don't give yourself a brain hemorrhage, Delia. I would have told her. Just spit it out.
Laughing is the last thing I feel like doing now as I reread the words i'd already memorized. Her answer to my pleading note—passed from Lily to Pomfrey to her, just like in second year, as she pointed out—was no surprise.
I'd known the essence of what it would say before I opened it.
What was surprising, though, was how much each one of her meticulously written words had hurt me.
Cordelias pain cuts me deeper than my own.
Still, I created this storm, so it's only fair that I must sit in it's rain.
The dormitory door opens and I quickly tuck the letter into my blazer pocket.
"Hello," He says as he walks over, a soft and serene smile on his lips. He places his palm on my cheek, thumb gently stoking the curve of a scar.
Smiling back, "Hi." I breathe out.
☽☽☽
January 2nd, 1979
"It was Remus."
Cordelia drops my hand from under the desk.
I swallow, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt makes my head bow and my shoulders slump. I ruined her chances at a normal life, like Fenrir did to me. I am a plague.
There are moments when the lycanthropy is heightened. Times of stress, fear, threat. The adrenaline courses through your blood like heroine. Giving you everything you need in a single moment.
I glance at Delia from the corner of my eye. Her face is smooth, unreadable, but there's something wrong with her eyes—something she's trying very hard to hide. I feel a spasm of unease in my stomach.
I need to leave. I need to leave. I need to leave.
My legs pick me up suddenly. Carrying me with a light, unnatural speed. I'm able to leave the room in a breeze.
I'm able to walk the corridors before the panic really starts to hit, but I'm hyperventilating by the time I get to the portrait hole.
Cordelia will just need time, I tell myself. She will get over this. Maybe she doesn't really care, maybe she just looked like that because Iris is dead.
Oh, fuck.
Iris is dead.
Cordelia is having a night, isn't she?
Perhaps life can be simpler if I just take her away and we deal with this, rather than be here when then news gets scattered. I grow slightly less depressed as I consider all the uninterrupted alone time.
I'm able to talk myself into enough composure to handle walking into my dorm. Sirius has beaten me here, and he looks up at me when I come in. I go to my bed, nodding vaguely at his distraction. I'm still imagining pleasant scenarios that consist of Cordelia and I running away with absolutely no issues.
Sirius interrupts my fantasy. "She's dead."
"I know," I mumble, staring at my canopy. "I'm sorry."
Did you love her?
Did you love her?
Did you love her?
I can tell he knows somethings wrong. Whether he assumes it's about Iris, or not. But he doesn't ask and I don't have to tell and that makes me grateful.
So much has changed, and so abruptly. It's making me feel a bit dizzy, like I'm standing on an edge, a precipice somewhere much too high.
Will she still want to be my girlfriend?
Will she hate me?
Will I ever be in her good graces again?
I don't want to think about this anymore.
"Sirius," I whisper.
☽☽☽
February 7th, 1979
Smiling back, "Hi," I breathe out.
My lips tremble for a second, and I nearly choke. Then I hurl myself at him.
"James, oh, James," I gasp, as I slam into him.
I always forget how hard he is; it's like running into a wall of cement. From the quidditch.
"Remus?" There is a strange mingling of concern and confusion in his voice.
I don't notice when the gasping turns into something else—I only realize I'm sobbing when his shoulder becomes wet from snot and tears.
"I—I need—"
"I know," James sighs, patting my back. "I know."
After a few more sniffles I pull back, composing myself. James says nothing as he looks upon my guilt stricken face.
It's a crippling feeling. This notion that something you did has the power to eat you alive from the inside out. Kill you slowly. Painfully. However, there comes a soothing sensation—like aloe on a sunburn—when you remember it's less than you truly deserve.
For what I did, for what I have done, there is no retribution vile enough.
Suddenly, he pulls on his playful smile that charms anyone within a twenty mile radius. "C'mon," James squeezes my shoulder. "I know exactly what you need right now,"
"I kinda just want to wallow in my own self-loathing if that's alright with you,"
His raises his hand to swat the back of my head, I catch his wrist. "No! That is not alright with me. We are going to pull a prank. Now get your sorry ass out of this dorm Moony."
☽☽☽
January 2nd, 1979
"Sirius," I whisper.
I can't see his face, but I know he's looking at me now. "Yes?"
"It was me, I bit her." The words taste metallic coming out of my mouth. Or maybe that's the blood from my teeth puncturing my bottom lip.
Sirius doesn't say anything for a while and I wonder if he was even listening. "I know," He says eventually. "You may have mentioned it in a dream or two,"
I spring up now, quickly. His face melts into surprise when he sees the pure fury in my eyes. "And you didn't fucking tell me Sirius?! Do you really hate Cordelia that much!? You don't think she should have known about this a lot sooner?" My volume of my words shake the room. Or maybe i'm just trembling from anger.
"What good would that have done anyone?" Sirius looks up at me from the edge of his mattress. "So you could hate yourself? Make you hate me for telling you news like that? So Cordelia could hate you?" His voice is dejected, small. Tired. "I was protecting you,"
"Yeah, and look at where we are now because of that,"
"Is that all, Remus? Are you done punishing me? Because I'm really not up for it tonight, mate," Sirius says with a wry chuckle.
"No. That's not all."
"Then what else?"
"I've been thinking about this for some time now. Trying to sort myself out. Tonight might not seem like the best night for me to do this. It may seem cruel. But everything is already changing tonight as it is. So, perhaps it's best I just rip the bandage off—"
Sirius cuts of my rambling. "What the fuck are you saying right now?"
"I'm saying, there's no you and I anymore. Romantically, I mean." I tell him quickly. Maybe a bit too quickly because by the look on his face the works haven't sunk in. "I love you, I really do. But I'm in love with Cordelia, more than I can understand at times. And that's the thing— I understand what it means to love you. I just don't want to do it anymore,"
He opens his mouth to speak, but it's my turn to cut him off. "It's a confusing thing, loving two people. I've been suffering, Sirius. And i've been incredibly selfish. For me to have a chance with Cordelia, if she decides to give me one after what i've done to her, I can't be tied to you anymore. You have to let me let you go. Completely."
Sirius stares at the ground blankly now.
"As my friend, Padfoot, I need you to know I need her. I need you to understand it." I inhale a deep breath, "Please."
☽☽☽
February 7th, 1979
His raises his hand to swat the back of my head, I catch his wrist. "No! That is not alright with me. We are going to pull a prank. Now get your sorry ass out of this dorm Moony."
James and I spend a solid fifteen minutes walking around school and discussing possible pranks. It seems like we have none left to pull.
Of course when I mention this, James says, "Nonsense, Moony, there's always another great stunt to be executed!"
We enter the great hall—where I assume this great stunt will be executed.
Honestly, since Iris death, no ones been in high spirits so to speak. It's like she was an unnoticed glimmer of light that danced around the school mischievously. No one ever really seemed to know her, but everyone liked her. Now, without her, it's like the colour grading on the entire went down. She took every last bit of vibrancy she brought to this world, right back to the grave with her.
Cordelias been missing for nearly a month, would she find this insensitive? Or would she cheer us on and say this is exactly what everyone needs?
I wonder what she would say to me if she was here?
How would she look at me?
For a moment, the idea of Cordelias certain repulsion overshadows every other pain.
I prod at my lunch in silence, guessing that James will get around to doing the prank on his own time.
I glance at the clock routinely—12:20–something I do every few minutes around this time. Less than half an hour to go now.
Afternoons are always the slowest part of my day.
The letter I received from Cordelia was delivered at exactly 1:00pm.
Now every lunch from 12:30-1:30 I await a letter.
I pull out my much abused copy of weathering Heights and try to lose myself in the turn of the century England while I wait for James to start talking.
He doesn't.
"You know, If you wanted to talk you didn't have to steal me under false pretences of a prank." I say scathingly, rolling my eyes.
I'm just to the part where Heathcliff returns when James clears his throat. "Who said they were false?"
I lay the book aside; the binding so destroyed that it slumps flat to the table. "James you and I both know if you wanted to pull a prank it would've been done by now"
He nods, eyebrows pulling together. "Yeah. You know me too well. I just thought some nostalgic vibes would soften you up a bit,"
I laugh. "It worked. I'm as soft as a marshmallow. What do you need, James?"
"It's about Cordelia."
I feel my face harden. "What about her?" I ask through stiff lips.
"Easy, Rem. I know you're still upset she hasn't reached out, but can you blame her?"
"Right. So what about her?" The careless question repeats inside my head, anything but trivial. What about Cordelia? What was I going to do about her? My girlfriend who now...what? Hates me? I cringe.
James leans in from across the table. "I heard through the grapevine, that she's been staying with her mother." James says. "Even her mom is worried...she's depressed. I just think you're hurting her feelings, ignoring her like this."
I wince, but keep my eyes on my food.
Oh, so now I was avoiding her?
"I think you could benefit from seeing her too. You were always so happy after spending the day with Delia. If you want my honest opinion, I doubt it will change anything, but it's a place to start."
A solid black cat with wild tufts of fur runs into the kitchens, and out with a package of instant coffee mix in its mouth.
Gatsby?
I can feel Cordelias note in my pocket, like it suddenly weighs ten pounds. I can hear the words in her voice, and she seems to be agreeing with James— some thing that would never happen in reality.
What does that matter now, honestly?
☽☽☽
January 2nd, 1979
"As my friend, Padfoot, I need you to know I need her. I need you to understand it." I inhale a deep breath, "Please."
"Are you sure this is what you want?" His mouth is slightly parted, bushy dark eyebrows furrowing with confusion and his faintly hooded grey eyes locking with mine, so intensely it's intimidating.
I nod.
I'm always going to feel something for Sirius.
But I'm always going to feel everything for Delia.
"Okay," He whispers.
I take a seat next to him on the edge of the bed. I feel him scoot closer to me. My fingers grip at the fabric of his comforter with a feeling of fear over this conversations consequences. I don't dare to look up.
Until, I feel Sirius press his cold hand to my face. His cold fingers instantly warming up against my boiling hot skin. I raise my hanging head but still don't look him directly in the eye. Look off somewhere to the side.
"Kiss me back," He softly presses his lips to mine and cups my face in his hands.
"Did you not hear what I just said?" I ask, breathlessly, angrily against his lips.
"I heard you, I heard you so perfectly fucking fine, Remus. Now kiss me like it's the last time you ever will." He mumbles against my frozen mouth.
"This is goodbye," Sirius says.
"And good riddance" I add.
I can't wait until I can love her forever.
This is the first step.
The last loose end.
I start to slowly kiss him back, my eyes remain open only a little. Assessing how I feel. Relieved and lost about what is happening.
The kiss deepens and I feel Sirius sigh into my mouth. I relax at the feeling of his vulnerability, making me feel more comfortable about my own and finally shutting my eyes completely. Feeling them sweep against his cheek as I did so.
His lips are a little rough, not like I remember from when they were coated with liquor and sweet lies. Though his lips are rough, his skin against mine is smooth and he seems to kiss me naturally, though I am struggling to stay in the moment
His hands move from my face, travelling down to my chest and gently removing my hands from the tight grip around the covers. He lays be back gently.
I breathe in, giving Sirius an opportunity to open the kiss; experiencing a sudden feeling of shame.
Sirius has seen me at my worst before...but never felt me.
Then, all of a sudden, I feel his tongue softly ask for entrance against my parted lips. A feeling of panic washes over me as I open my eyes instantaneously and gently pushed him away.
This was well over enough for a goodbye kiss.
As I look over Sirius shoulder I see her. My heart sinks into my stomach.
No. No. No.
I'm immediately on my feet. "Cordelia?" My voice is shaky, pleading. Begging her to listen.
She just inhales a shaky breath, "It never was me was it?"
I can see the pure anguish on her face.
"It never could've been, me it was always going to be him."
I look upon her face and I can tell i've broken her heart.
I don't particularly enjoy it.
____________
this chapter has sooo many parallels to previous ones, lmk if you can spot them!
song: the cut that always bleeds by conan gray (if this song isn't Cordelia, Remus and Sirius then idk what is)
thoughts on this chapter?
thoughts on remus?