"I hate you! I hate you!!" I feel a sting spread through my wrists, legs going weak the same time every tear that's been shed seems to come back down my cheeks, knees hitting the floor, this fvcking ache in my heart. "I hate you!!!"
I hate him.
By now, Abraham would've found Rick. Told him what happened.
Told him everything. And who knows what would happen afterwards...
Regardless of the possibilities, I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling, clenching my teeth while more tears lap over the old streams, trailing towards my ears the same time it feels like my hearts been taken out of my chest and ripped into a million fvcking pieces.
A day or two. That's how long it's been since they got us.
That's more than how long it's been since they threw me in here. This room, warm and empty, the lights on, and nobody coming to check on me since they locked the door, shutting me away to lose my mind on what they've done with Carl.
What they've done. What they'll do.
"Dammit." I whisper.
Dammit!
"Damm it all to fvcking heIl."
Agh! I can't even ask myself how this happened, because I know. I knew this would happen, deep down, even when I was hoping, and taking out all the stops, there was the knowledge that this sh1t would be waiting.
What does that mean though?
That everything was pointless?
"Idiot." I mumble, wiping my eyes when a bang hits the door.
The fvck!?
"Spes!" My eyes alert wide, and I'm on my feet by the time the entrance beside me opens, the person behind it a character I used to remember from all those injections before. A doctor that would oversee my physical fitness and test results whenever my dad was busy.
Funny how I never learned his name, not that I give a sh1t.
"Thank goodness." He grins. "It's really you!" He hurries, readying his arms to give me a hug when I take a step back and hold out my hand.
"Where's Carl."
"The boy?" He keeps on smiling. "He's fine. It was actually just a flesh wound."
Oh thank fvck I know what that means.
"Sh1t." I relax, using both my palms to pull my bangs back and let them fall where they choose, grinning at the idea he's really ok, and not in any danger when I'm engulfed in a hug that I wasn't ready for. Uh...
"Welcome home." He squeezes, and I for the first time in a while, find myself feeling uncomfortable about a situation, especially when I'm not used to this kind of treatment. I mean, I used to give this guy hugs, but now? HeIl no.
And this isn't even my home.
I know I still have some habits of this place, but one month can do a fvcking lot to change things.
That's for sure.
"You ok? I just got finished stitching up that youngster. How about you? Need anything? Check up, food? Anything?"
"I could use some food." Obviously these people have no idea how screwed up the menu is outside this place. I'll never stop missing cheeseburgers that I'm lucky enough to have. "But, first I want to see Carl."
"He's sleeping right now. And first, a checkup is needed." I swallow at his suggestion, a hand on my back the same moment I realize a few armed guards outside the room, paying more attention to them than my old doctor commenting on how much I've grown.
Hmph.
He'd have little clue to that.
Guards huh? Obviously they're not here for my protection.
Right now I'm just waiting for him, or any of these as$holes to say something. Especially my father. Gosh, it's so odd being back here! I mean, truthfully I'm anxious to walk around again, maybe even sleep in my bed, but what's even weirder is the feeling of me just wanting to be with Carl and get out of here.
I always talked about how it'd be neat to show him this place, but now that we're both here, I want to take him away. I want him to take ME away.
Fvck, they keep this place nice and clean.
Aside from everything, I guess it's a little comfortable to be back. Only a little.
I'm not resting easy though. I know how this will most likely end. How they'll want it to end, and I won't let that happen. I have to think of a way to get out of here, now.
"I know you have a lot of questions." Not really. "We all do." Great. My doctor turns on a lamp while I stand still, partially frowning but also admiring the patient room that used to belong solely to me, until I remember the many accidents and chaotic outcomes that occurred here.
Fvcking nightmares.
Hm.
Abe was right.
Nightmares here, nightmares out there.
Always nightmares.
Gosh Carl...wake up soon. Please.
_________________
-Carl's P.O.V.-
"What's your name?" The guy in front of me, asking non-stop questions like I'm some sort of criminal sighs, and I'm past caring what these people want from me, holding me in some weird office room that's actually holding a light in the roof.
These people. They actually have electricity.
I don't know why it's so surprising. Spes would always talk about everything they had, well not always, but she'd make me jealous sometimes just hearing about the things the mall uses, but actually seeing it? It's weird.
"Ok. Hold on the questions." This guy with a bald head sits down after tugging his pants, and I'm literally puzzled by the fact he's wearing a suit.
He's wearing a suit?
This place isn't what I thought it'd be.
"Here you go." I keep my hands to myself but widen my eyes a little after the man who's been annoying me slides a plate with a sandwich on it, perfectly made, like it's an art piece, my way and it's only now I'm feeling how hungry I am. "It's ok. You're among friends. We wouldn't do anything to hurt you."
"Where's Spes?"
"Ah-" I glare a little when the man lifts his index finger to shut me up the second I make a sound. What the heIl is up with these people? "You will address her as The Child or since you're below her, The Future."
What?
"You seem confused." The man with little knowledge of all the things that have been happening since Spes left-I mean...are they serious?
"The...Why?"
"It's almost always her official titles. Think of her as a regent's offspring. I mean, we have to show due respect. She's not just a figurehead."
"Wha-"
"You still look a little confused." He chuckles, and I feel a sweat begin to break over me at how anxious I am in this moment. How vexing it is to hear this.
If this guy knew I've killed people before, if he knew what we meant to each other, Spes and I, that I acknowledge her as a person, not a fvcking figurehead, and not a fvcking monster, would he still be talking to me like this?
What do I do?
Calm down or get myself in trouble?
"Where is she?" I lowly ask, same time he squints his hazel eyes at me, and then stands to inhale. "I know she's here." Last thing I remember hearing before they knocked me out was her voice taking up and over every other sound that was in a 3 mile radius of Orion's Belt.
She's here. I just need to find her.
Using my dad's methods of being brazen and direct will only get me so far.
I'll have to play this by ear.
"First, can you, maybe tell us a few things? Like a deal? I'll let you see The Child, and-"
"Don't call her that." My interruption prompts his attention.
His attention and a curious look.
"Hmm. Well, it's against rules to call her anything else unless I'm speaking directly to her. Ha. I'm guessing you two were, somewhat close."
I don't think I'll answer how close.
"Yes." I lean back in my chair that's cold surface engages my body.
"Hasn't she ever mentioned any of this?" The guy interrogating me leans down, folding his hands together and resting his forearms on the white table that looks like it'd belong in my school's old cafeteria room. "Told you how important she was over here?"
Mentioned it?
In the beginning it was all I heard.
"No." I lie. If they don't think I know, this may work out. If anything, it may keep her out of trouble. I don't know this place. It could be just as sick as all the other areas, regardless of Spes' descriptions, but I get the feeling that something is going to happen, just like before, and I'm not going to walk straight into it this time.
Even if I don't know where she is, I know I have to protect her, till they let us go.
If they let us go.
Dammit.
Dammit! This is my fault!
It's-
"So, you never wondered about The Child's grey hair? Her silver eyes? The tattoo on her back?"
"What tattoo?" I skillfully play dumb, blinking once and lifting my chin a bit to see the man better, presenting an innocent side that just doesn't exist in me. Maybe if I act ignorant the odds will tip in my favor.
"Hmm. Well forget about the tattoo. But, well, what story did she tell you? When you found her? Could you just, tell us everything? I mean, the goal here, is I'm gonna put it plainly, Carl, is that, Spes, is important. She's very important."
I know.
"She ran away from here for reasons we still don't know." He smiles, thinking he's handling me when inside, I know I'm handling him instead. At least I think. He's acting so civilized though. Like I'm a kid who's stolen something from a candy shop. I hate it. "We knew it was dangerous out there. So, for a while, we've been looking for her and-" A sound of a door opening interrupts us, and I slightly turn my head, the hope of it being Spes bursting into nothingness when I become confused instead.
Right before my eyes, I see a man in regular clothes, clean and neat, push in a cart with a...tv on it? And...a dvd player?
"What's that for?" I lean forward and adjust myself in the seat, same time the bald man pats the shoulder of the second and we're left alone again.
Are they going to entertain me with a movie? It won't work.
"This?" My interrogator lifts his eyebrows and I watch him grab a dvd case, I'm surprised I still remember how this works, and open it to reveal a simple disk before popping it in to the silver player. "We'll get to this in a minute."
I don't like the sound of this.
"What's going on? Where's Spes? Please I-"
"I'm sorry to say, you really can't address her like that anymore. You're not out there, you're in here. Things are different. I know it's been hard for you, and you can stay here now, this can be your home, but you need to learn the rules."
"I'm not-"
"Carl. Just, answer me this."
Dammit!
"Are you sure you don't know who she is? What she's meant for? Anything?"
"No! Nothing!"
"Well then, if you're going to stay here, with her, then you've gotta learn."
"What?" I squint; finding it ironic that even though we're at the place Spes grew up, it's the place that knows her the least already. What the heIl is going on?!
"Do you want to help The Child? Do you want to be with her, Carl?" The man that I still don't know the name of walks behind me, and I scoff under my breath, turning to look at him while he smiles down at me, and I feel something churn inside that turns me pissed off beyond belief.
"Yes."
"Then you have to see, who she is. What she's meant for. Don't you?"
What is he talking about?
What's going on?
"What did you do with Spes?" I growl, feeling the thickness in the air suffocate my calmness, alerting me to something that's lurking in between the lines.
"Oh it's not what we're doing. It's what we've done."
My face drains, and I see the TV turn on, the anxiousness I'm feeling, slowly turning to a rotting sensation in my stomach, as I wait to watch what they're going to show me.
_______________
-Spes' P.O.V.-
"You're ok." The doctor slides away on his stool a bit before scribbling his findings down, and I spot a mug full of lollipops that he used to give to me when I was a kid. Those days are fvcking over though. "Aside from the obvious, development, you becoming more of a young woman, I'd say everything's normal."
"Hmm." I reply.
"And now, for your injection. Hold out your arm please?"
My eyes dart to his fingers flicking the vile holding the chemicals I remember from a month ago, the very idea of being pricked again pissing me off that I scan the area for anything to keep him away from me, my eyes catching a scalpel.
That'll work.
"I want to see Carl." I object, getting up to move closer towards the weapon, given I don't have my saber with me right now, and inhale the air conditioned scent while my doctor keeps his blue eyes on me, an understanding sigh leaving his mouth when I hear another voice interrupt.
"You really should get your injection first Spes."
My body freezes without my say so.
"I mean, a whole month without it. Not a good thing."
No.
"Oh. You're still wearing it."
No.
"My birthday gift to you."
No!
"Baby girl." I feel his arms slowly slither around my frame, pulling me towards his chest so he can kiss the top of my head, the smile on his lips so strong I can feel his upturned cheeks pushing on my being, when the familiar scent of perfume that doesn't belong to him drifts around me, and I notice my hands trembling in the shape of fists, when my keeper releases me.
Fvck. This.
"I've missed you, Spes."
Even his voice, right now, it won't let me look away.
Staring up into his iris', feeling every ounce of hate that I never knew I could direct towards him, flash and eat at my eyes, all those faces, all those Infected, every last one of them...endless amounts of blood, poured on my hands, by him.
Him.
My mother's husband.
The one I hate the most.
Him.
"Spes."
"Father."
I suppose, I hoped I'd never see you again, is a little bit of a rocky start, but I really hoped, I'd never see him again.
I left home loving him, and now I'm back, hating him.
One month, that's all it took.
Just one fvcking month!
"I'm not having the injections." I declare, cutting straight to the point. "Not anymore. And I'm not staying." I push past or around him, sighing and resting my hand on the tray near the utensils openly displayed, watching while both men look at each other, and my other doctor decides to give us some privacy.
That makes this more uncomfortable, but a lot easier.
Now to get a good look at my dad, who all in all, is unchanged but, sh1t he looks a little skinnier than usual. Hmph. Probably stressing a lot. He looks a little rough too. Tired. Well that makes two of us.
"Oh dear. Aside from the morons out there, let's be frank with each other. I know what you were doing. I know why too. Guilt? I've told you a thousand times-"
"I'm not the doom, I'm the future? The hope? I'm what keeps everyone alive?"
"Yes!" He laughs.
"I'm sick of that story! That bullsh1t! It's not true. If you were trying to fix things, it'd be somewhat true, but it's not. You've been lying." I accuse him, glaring and walking around, trying to get my head on straight.
I mean fvck. There are so many things I rehearsed saying to this guy over and over in my head, but I never thought to because he was my dad. Because I just couldn't. But now, I can. I'm saying my father is a liar! I'm saying that, to his face!
"You're a liar. You used me. You've been using me, and everyone here!" He just stares, silent and patient, waiting like this is another tantrum, but I refuse to let it die. "I'm not staying." I sigh. "I'm leaving. And I'm leaving with Carl."
"That boy?" Boy? Are you serious? "Ah yes. He's here."
"I know." I smile. "You know, in a weird way..." Just shut up Spes. Stop while you're ahead. "Dad." I sigh. Hoping it'll make this easier. "In a way, I'm grateful, that you forced me to choose to leave." I decide to smile at him, saying something so fvcking twisted I've been keeping it to myself until the day I could say it to someone who's always been near the same level of darkness as I've been forced into. "If you hadn't done any of this...I wouldn't have met him."
"It wouldn't have mattered." He chuckles, draining anything of ease left inside me out. "If you'd never met him, you wouldn't give a sh1t about knowing him. You'd be blissfully unaware that he was out there. This, Carl." Ouch. "Tell me Spes."
Here we go.
"Tell me what it's like out there."
Is he lieteral? Leaning against the wall, next to a laptop on the desk beside him, his fingers clicking a few things while I scoff and bite my lower lip, wishing I was somewhere else other than this white painted cold temperature room.
"You should go out and look yourself." I smirk, walking over to him. "It's a fvcking blast." My eyes are like lasers right now, I can feel it.
"You're voice has changed." He crosses his arms. "You cut your hair." He reaches out and touches the ends. "So much of a reflection to her."
I feel my heart stop, his reference to mother cutting deep that I shy away before he speaks her name.
"You won't tell me how it went out there. All the things that happened? None of it?"
"I don't want to." I rest my palms on the desk, bowing my head a bit. "I just want to see Carl."
"I've heard he wants to see you too."
Wait, what?
"He's awake?" I stand straight, feeling my smile threaten to surface when I watch my father tilt his head.
"Out of all the things I thought would happen Spes, you falling in love...I thought you would avoid something so cliché." He scoffs, remembering all those times I insulted love stories and ranted about how disgusting they were, how I'd never fall in love, but mainly for the reasons of I never thought it would be a good idea, especially with these bozo's around here, so of course he's surprised.
Tch. In a quick glance, I'm sure it comes off as cliché, but on the other hand, no. It wasn't.
"Dad. I'm asking you, let me go."
"To Orion's Belt?"
"Yes!"
"No." He shakes his head, walking by me, towards another laptop across the room.
What is he doing?
"I won't help you here." My near adult, strong voice fights back while I watch him click a few more buttons, the screen turning on near his palms when I hear another power up, this time hooked on a wall, the security surveillance screens that the mall used to use functioning, and...what the heIl is he doing?
"What's going on?"
"Tell me something daughter." My father speaks, bringing up a screen of what looks like a room with-wait. Is that...That's Carl!
Wait a minute, who's that with him? Fvck, where is he!?
What the heck is going on!?
"Those Infected. They've changed you. You've been among your children-"
"They're not my-"
"They are." Dad insists. "They come from you." I hear the pat of my father's black shoes approach me, his reference to those walkers, all of them, being my children, pisses me off and I squeeze my fists too tight the nails I have start to dig into my palms once again.
"They're not." I whisper.
"From inside you. This boy." My father puts his hands in his pockets, making me uneasy when he stands beside me and we both stare at the screens, a man in the room bringing in a DVD player and TV, confusing the fvck out of me while I watch the person talking to Carl open a case to put a disc into the machine.
I can't hear anything though. The audio is on mute.
Gosh. I'm starting to miss the direct simplicity of out there as opposed to the sh1t in here.
"Does he know what you are? I should think so, since he was found at Orion's Belt, with you not far away."
"Does it matter?" I scoff.
If this is one of those, he loves me for me things, then we've gone way past that. Carl and I, we're not some moronic couple that teenagers in movies freak out about. We're different. Things are different on the outside.
Just being back here, tells me that for sure.
"I don't know what you're getting at." I smile, feeling sure of myself. "Dad. Accept it when I say, it's over. It's time to let me go. To let it all go. I've-"
"What would you do Spes, if, this boy Carl, found out, what you're life was like?"
Uh...
"What?" I shake my head a bit, in confusion, and a good dash of aggravation.
"Cliché or not, I'm curious. What would you do, if he saw, what we did to you?"
Wha-What...
"What are you talking about?"
My heart's literally thumping out of pace right now, and it's because I know exactly what he's talking about.
"Surely, he may know what you are, but if he didn't, he'd be surprised wouldn't he? He'd want nothing to do with you, and you'd have no choice but to let him go, and in the end, stay here." I process my dad's plan outright, but feel the effect of what he's talking about in a different way entirely.
Sh1t.
Dad thinks that if Carl found out about me being the source of all those monsters, he'd want nothing to do with me, but what dad doesn't know, is that Carl already knows everything about me!
He knows...but that's not why I'm shaking.
I'm shaking...because if Carl saw what they've done to me, the full extent, not just what I've told him, not just what I've remembered, but everything, every, single, thing...
If the situation was reversed, and I was subjected to watching Carl through a screen, seeing what would be done to him at 12 years old, ridiculed and treated like an animal, me helpless and finally aware of everything he'd lived through...I'd lose my mind.
I'd need to be with him, but I wouldn't be able to find him.
Carl's in this position now.
He's going to see, something I don't want him to see.
And when he does...
When he does, he'll-
Carl...
"Stop." I feel tears fall straight from my iris'. "Stop."
"Spes, I'm sorry. But I can't."
"Stop!!"
Stop!!
Stop!!!
Don't do this to him!! Stop!!
Please!!!
Stop...
Stop this...
Just stop.
Don't look at it.
Don't look...
Turn away, Carl please.
Please.
Carl I-