In my line of work, it wasn't hard to fall back into a fond memory lane that could easily lead to a night of moping and falling into a spiral of regret when the thrill was over and you were left to your own devices again.
No more adrenaline to keep your mind distracted.
No more research to delve into to occupy the time.
Nothing but your own company as you lie in the dark of a post job slump, wishing to be with the boyfriend you'd left behind a long time ago.
At least, that was my experience.
What I wouldn't give to be back in our campus room, cuddled up in his shirt and boxers as he slaved away over his law books.
Instead, I was sat on the end of a dingy motel bed, staring up at him as he looked at me in anger and disbelief, his brother leaning against the door with his arms folded.
"How long?" He finally asked, turning towards me as he stopped his pacing.
I frowned in thought then shrugged.
"I don't know, maybe since I was fifteen? That's when I remember deciding it's what I wanted to do after happening on a case at school."
"And you never thought to tell me?"
"Did you?" I replied, my voice coming out snappier than I had intended for it to sound.
Sam stopped, sinking back into himself a little as his jaw set.
"That was different."
"How? How is you not telling me that you're a certified hunter any different?"
"Because I went to college to get away from that life, I wanted out."
"Well a load of good that did you, huh? I nearly died when that bastard came to our room."
Sam faltered, his look of anger dropping into one of sadness and he had to force himself to look away, licking his bottom lip as he shook his head.
"I didn't...I didn't think that would happen," he said quietly.
"Look," Dean jumped in, pushing away from the wall, "if anyone is to blame about the college thing, it's me, I dragged him back into this."
"No, Dean," Sam looked to his brother, "I agreed to go, I should have known it wouldn't be that simple, why would it be?"
It broke my heart how utterly defeated he looked.
It was hard to believe that it was just short of three years ago that I had left our relationship and never did I expect to run across him during a hunt, the surprise had been evident in both of our faces upon seeing one another but that quickly shifted, to anger for him and relief for me.
The conflicting emotions and adrenaline of the hunt, plus a minor injury to my arm, had led us to this very moment and the swirl was beginning to make me feel a little nauseous.
"Can we have a minute?" Sam asked Dean, who gave a quick nod as he turned to the door.
"I'll grab us some food," he said before leaving, the clunk of the door closing making my stomach churn.
A heavy silence sat in the room after that and I could feel growing unease add itself to the already disgusting mix in my gut.
Flashed of our time together sprung forth, of the small glances during college down time, of our first dates, of evenings turned to nights where one of us would lounge in comfortable silence as the other studied.
Then the night I regretted most flashed up like a bad cockroach that refused to die, the night of my biggest regret to date.
The yellow-eyes of the thing that had taunted me about Sam had haunted me for the years since I had left, a deep scar on my side a permanent reminder of how I had barely managed to get away with my life and served as, what I at least thought to be, a reminder of why I needed to keep my distance.
Yet here it was, all catching up in a way I never thought possible.
Standing up from the bed, I took a deep breath and looked to Sam, begging him with my eyes to say something.
He didn't and we continued to stare at one another for an uncomfortably long time before I opened my mouth to speak as he, in perfect timing to my own small movement, crossed the room in a few strides and engulfed me in his arms.
It was tight, comfortable and familiar.
"I was so scared," he finally said, his voice tight with emotion. "I thought he'd gotten you, that I'd lost you along with everything else when our place burned down even though you weren't there and I panicked and...and...."
"Sam," I whispered, wrapping my arms tightly around him in return, "I'm sorry I never told you, I'm sorry for disappearing without a word."
I could feel my throat constricting with the need to cry, my fingers grasped onto his clothes as my eyes started to well with tears.
"I thought it was me putting you in danger for a stupid hobby I picked up by chance as a teen, that some small ghost hunt had become something more and I panicked too, I left without saying anything thinking that you'd be safer without me."
He scoffed a laugh and I tilted my head up to see him smiling sardonically down at me.
"That's why I never told you, I wanted to leave my past behind and thought keeping it from you was the best choice, I never thought the thing that got my mom would come for you too."
"How do you know it's the same thing?"
"The fire on the ceiling was a pretty big give away, too similar to..."
"It's okay, I get it," I frowned, my lips quivering as a tear started to roll down my cheek. "I'm so sorry I left how I did, I really thought it was for the best."
"I'm sorry I left with Dean, if I knew that you'd be put in danger then I...I don't know what I would have done honestly bu-"
"No," I said with a shake of my head, "no, it was right that you left with your brother, it's not like you could have known how things would have turned out and whatever happened with your dad was important."
Sam went silent, looking down at me before he nodded slowly, sniffing back the tears I couldn't suppress myself.
"I'm still sorry," he said, which only had me bursting out with a small laugh, my smile twisted by my still shaking lips.
"I know, Sam, you're just too good of a guy, you always were."
"I don't feel like it sometimes."
"I know, I know."
I gave him an added squeeze in the hug we still lingered in, hissing as a shot of pain ran up my arm and forced me to pull away from him.
Sam's eyes drifted to the gash in the sleeve of my jacket and he sighed, his hand reaching to take mine to gently lift the injured arm.
"Mind if I look at that?"
I looked from my wound to him and smiled a little, using my other hand to wipe at my eyes.
"It'll give us more time to discuss things, I guess."
"Yeah, I think there's still a lot we need to talk about."
With a small nod, I started to shimmy my jacket off and resumed my place on the edge of the bed.
"Yes, far too much."