TW: panic attacks
Penelope.
"Felix? Have you gotten on a call with Deborah yet?" I asked with a frown on my face as I tried to figure out Carlo's schedule for the week.
I palmed my forehead as I cursed under my breath, "Jesus Christ, this is a mess..."
Felix frantically searched around the folders on his desk, a bead of sweat running down his temple before he used his pointer finger to loosen the tie around his neck, "Yeah, I took notes, I'm... shit, it's here somewhere." He muttered.
I sighed when the phone rang, blindly reaching for it, "Penny for Carlo." I greeted in a grumble, knowing it was someone from the own company. We had separate ringtones if it were calls from inside the building so we didn't have to answer so formally.
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose when I heard someone from marketing on the line, complaining about something. I tried to get a word in but decided to just let them rant, before I drew a breath, "Hate to break it to you but Carlo really can't come to the phone today. Put it in e-mail maybe? I'll forward it to him with urgency but he's got a super shitty day and he's just going to yell at the both of us if I speak to him about this now."
I was met with little understanding and rolled my eyes, "Sorry, I honestly can't help it. I'll try if you want me to, but prepare for the worst."
I then slammed the phone shut and decided to bother Carlo at own risk. Felix looked with wide eyes as I hesitantly approached the glass doors where he was behind. My knocks didn't alert him and he stayed with his face buried in his hands until I opened the door on a crack. I could tell the whole floor was holding their breath to see if he'd explode on me or not.
"What." He snapped sharply and I forced a small smile, "Sorry to bother you. Mindy from marketing called in regards to that Stevenson-dress and she wanted me to tell you that Bryan from legal is very angry."
Carlo's head shot up and he glared at me, "Mindy?"
I slowly nodded, "Mindy."
He angrily snatched his phone and glanced at the list of phone numbers on the list, dragging his finger over it until he harshly pressed his fingers on the buttons of the phone, dialling a number.
"Hi, is this Mindy?!" He sneered before there was a brief second of silence, "You're fucking fired."
He slammed the phone down again and my eyes widened. He looked at me again, a look of pure annoyance in his face, "Anything else?"
I pressed my lips together and shook my head, "Nope." I quickly walked out, seeing Felix' shocked look, "Did he... just fire her?" He whispered in a yell and I nodded, hurrying over to my own desk, "I'm not going in there again today. It's your turn next." I sighed. Felix and I had the rule to alternate who had to bother Carlo. This had been enough for me today.
It was nearing the end of November and Carlo had been scolded by Vivienne Westwood herself. Apparently his job was on the line for something I didn't really understand. But he was in a shittier mood than usual and Felix and I were getting most of the burns from it. I knew it wasn't personal, Carlo was actually quite fond of the both of us, but it was hard to remember that when he was yelling in our faces.
At least he hadn't fired us, unlike Mindy. It had been long days in the office because nothing was ever good enough for him, and I hadn't been spending as much time with Harry as I wanted to.
It actually turned out that I spent most nights at his place now. In weekends I usually stayed home still to not raise suspicion with Dave. I had cancelled on some parties and get togethers to catch up on sleep because between my heavy job, my quality time with my friends and my dating life and sex-life with Harry, sleep had turned into an illusion.
We had been tighter than ever since a couple of weeks ago where Harry had opened up about his past relationship with Kiara. He had shown a type of vulnerability that night that I hadn't seen before, about his past. It was also the night he invited me to spend Christmas with him and I had been on cloud nine about that ever since.
The butterflies in my stomach were overwhelming whenever I was around him, but it did become quite clear that the sneaking around became a lot for us. It got in the way of us spending time together sometimes and I wished I could just yell at Dave and come clean to him that I was having a date with Harry, instead of cancelling on Harry again and spending time with Dave and the others. Otherwise it would be suspicious if the both of us didn't show up.
Louis had been having a field day to be honest, every time we were around him. He was constantly teasing us, slipping little comments in that nobody else noticed but that were clearly about Harry and I. It amused him to no end to get under our skin like that. I had found myself blushing and nervous so often because of the things he said. He also turned into an even flirtier mood around me just to piss Harry off. He knew he couldn't do anything when others were around, he knew Harry could never comment on it or knock his teeth out, even though he wanted to.
So I saw Harry a lot, but more than often there were other people in the same room and it simply wasn't the same thing. I hated not being able to touch him, I hated that he couldn't slide an arm around my waist or peck my temple or look at me the way he looked at me when we were alone.
Or when we were around Sarah and Mitch.
They had grown tired of our sappy moods quite quickly, but Harry and I enjoyed the fact that we could be ourselves within his apartment. I was there a lot these days, and I got along well with both Mitch and Sarah. But they made fun of our lovey-dovey behaviour a lot, especially Mitch teasing Harry about turning into a 'soft son of a bitch'.
Their bickering was amusing to be honest, and they did give us the space to enjoy our alone-time every once in a while since they knew we never had that over at my house.
Harry and I also went out more. On actual dates. I took him to dinner, or he suggested going to the movies, or strolling around beautiful parts of London. He really took the time out of his day to be around me, and it was something I wasn't used to.
He was so attentive. He assured me it was the bare minimum, but in comparison to Patrick, it was everything.
I sighed when my own phone started ringing, Dave's name flashing on my screen.
"Hello?" I answered, being met with Dave's voice, "Hi bestie."
I snickered at the nickname, "What's up?"
"Have you looked outside?" He sounded giddy and I frowned a little, turning around on my chair to face the large window, "No, w- Oh my god!" I exclaimed when my jaw dropped, "It's snowing!!"
"It's fucking snowing!!" Dave confirmed in an excited voice and I giggled, my eyes admiring the white, soft snowflakes that drizzled through the air. I got up to my feet to get a little closer to the window, seeing that the roads and cars were all covered with a thin, white layer.
It immediately perked up my spirits, "Thank you for bringing it to my attention, had my nose against my computer screen all day." I sighed, stifling a yawn.
"Another one of those days? Carlo's being an ass again?"
"Yep." I confirmed, "It's been worse today."
"Fearing for your job?"
"Fearing for my life." I chuckled, "But he did just fire someone though."
"Hmm, wanted to ask you to come home early so we could do our snow-traditions but I'm guessing... it's a no?" Dave mused and I bit my lip, "I'm sorry, but no. I'm not getting out of here before six at least. And I was here at eight already this morning so I could leave early." I scratched my forehead.
I had been trying to keep my days from getting too long since I liked spending my evenings with Harry. So instead of staying until nine in the evening, I tried starting earlier in the morning. Our tradition of morning-runs had gone to shit, but we did usually fuck in the mornings so it was kind of the same thing.
I loved morning sex.
Harry was always so sleepy and gentle, slowly rolling his hips into me as he hugged me to him. I loved the rough side of him, but also that soft side. It felt so intimate to feel his weight on me, fingers linked together as he hoarsely whimpered in my ear. It felt like pleasure in its most primal form.
"Alright, I was going to head to Steve's. You can find me there if you get off earlier." Dave spoke and I smiled before nibbling my lip, "Who's joining you? Is, um, is Harry going?" I tried to sound breezy.
"No, don't think so. He's been having a bit of a shit day, honestly. He got in a row with another teacher and then got scolded by Cindy. It's just been going wrong a bit. He also made this whole presentation to change something for the school board, and they turned him down after like a minute. Oh, and he's got detention duty so he won't get out before six either."
I frowned, immediately feeling worry seep into my system when I heard about Harry's day. I knew he had been stressed lately, because he felt so strongly about some of his beliefs and he wanted to translate them into the school system. He had practiced that presentation for me a couple of times, so I did feel bad for him that it felt so shitty.
"Um," I cleared my throat, "I'm actually probably hanging out with Model Man tonight."
"What?! Again? Pen, it's a Friday!" Dave cried out and I rolled my eyes, but he continued, "You've been there basically the whole week already. Does the guy live in a castle or something? You promised to be home this weekend."
I pressed my lips together, "I know. Look, I'm sorry. I'll be home Saturday and Sunday. We can go to the market and get a Christmas tree and decorate together?"
"You want to put the tree up already? It's not December yet."
I shrugged, "I don't care. You love the Christmas tree, let's do it together."
Dave paused, and I knew I had persuaded him. I actually wasn't planning on going to Harry's tonight. We hadn't arranged anything. But I felt like being there for him after hearing about his shitty day. I could make him dinner and we could just have an easy night to comfort and relax him.
I coaxed him and it worked, Dave grumbling something under his breath but eventually agreeing, "Alright, see you tomorrow then. Be careful on the roads, yeah?"
"I will." I smiled, "Have a good rest of your day, Dave."
"You too, bestie."
We finished our call, and I saw that it was nearing four in the afternoon. I tapped my pen against my lip, eyes focussed on the pretty snowflakes for a bit until I was snapped out of my thoughts when Carlo's office doors opened.
Felix and I were on high alert immediately, straightening out in chairs and holding our breaths. Carlo didn't seem too angry though, he actually seemed a little nervous. He cleared his throat and directed his attention to the both of us, "Been behaving like a dick today. You can both leave at five."
His sentence was short and he turned around again to disappear into his office. It almost sounded like an apology. Felix and I were both frozen in shock until a small smile crept up on Felix' lips, "Alright then."
Relief flooded me at his positive message, and it actually worked out perfectly. I could get off at five, go grocery shopping and get everything settled at Harry's to surprise him when he got home from work.
I glanced at my phone, noticing that he hadn't texted me all day. He probably felt really bad about his presentation and was in his head again. I tried calling him on my lunch break but he hadn't answered. I hesitated a little before calling Mitch, and he assured me that him and Sarah weren't home tonight and that he'd let me in the apartment when I arrived before Harry.
About an hour later, both Felix and I left the office early, as was allowed by Carlo. It felt a little weird to leave all our colleagues who were still at their desks. Usually it was the other way around, and we were the ones left here after they had all gone home already.
We each got in our cars after saying our goodbye's, and I was stuck in traffic for a bit. The snow was falling down quite heavily, leaving a coat of white on every surface. I drove carefully to not slip, and parked on the lot of the grocery store.
I grabbed a cart, scanning the ailses of food as I contemplated what to cook tonight. I was trying to remember some of Harry's favourite foods, and I eventually settled on homemade pizza's. He was a fan of Italian and once mentioned his ideal pizza, which was a combination of stuff that made my nose scrunch up. But he loved it. It wasn't a traditional pizza that could be found in restaurants, so making it ourselves was a good alternative.
I vividly remembered him saying that a cheeseburger on a pizza was the dream. I mean, I wasn't a fan, but sure.
I was creating a shopping list in my head when I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. I was thinking about a hundred different things when I turned around, and froze immediately when I was met with the eyes that had haunted my dreams for years.
Patrick.
I dropped the pack of meat I was holding on instinct, holding my breath as I felt like I melted into a puddle. I had no idea how my legs managed to hold me up when he stood in front of me in a grocery store out of all places.
The wide, white smile he shot me was near blinding and so manipulative, "Hey, Pen."
It was crazy how fearful I immediately felt. It was a feeling I hadn't had in weeks, ever since I broke all contact with him. Ever since I got the restraining order. Being in his presence immediately made me sweat and tingle, immediately made me panic.
It almost made me nauseous to have that feeling again. I despised it, I couldn't believe I had felt like this for years in a row. Bile rose up in my throat when he stood in front of me, the man that had made me feel the lowest I could ever feel. I couldn't even feel my fingers anymore, and even though I hadn't had a panic attack in weeks, I was close to one right away with him this close to me.
"Y-You can't talk to me." I weakly spoke. It was the only thing I could say. Patrick let out a chuckle, arrogance dripping from him as he shrugged, "What're you going to do? Call the cops on me? You wouldn't, Penny, we both know that."
I pressed my lips together as I felt my confidence faltering immediately. He always managed to do that to me, make me feel like a weak, little girl with just a couple of words. I was right back to that person, that insecure, quiet girl.
I wasn't her anymore. Harry had helped me through that so much, as had I helped myself. I didn't want to be her anymore, I hated her.
"What do you want?" I spoke quietly.
Patrick shrugged, his eyes darting over my form in a judging way. He wasn't checking me out, he wasn't really doing anything, but it made me feel horrible either way, "Just wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm fine." I muttered, "Would be better if you left me alone."
His stare hardened immediately as he intently glared at me in the aisles of a grocery store. I regretted my words immediately. Harry had taught me how to argue, he had taught me how to fight. He always wanted me to speak out my frustrations and annoyances, and he accepted them. He never made me feel like my emotions weren't valid.
"I'd advice you to be careful, Penny. I know you think you've won, I know you think you're better off without me. But you will always, always belong to me, you know that?"
I slowly shook my head, feeling the tears in my eyes already.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
"You're wrong." I murmured out, "I don't belong to you. Never again."
I was nailed to the floor, eyes wide and filled with hot, thick tears when he reached his hand out. I flinched ever so slightly at the familiar raise of an arm, but Patrick just softly smirked when he brushed the tips of his fingers over my cheekbone. My fear clearly amused him.
I hardly noticed when he turned around and walked away again. A staggered, whimpered breath tumbled from my parted, quivering lips.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My hands reached for the railing of the cart, balancing myself as I felt weak on my legs. I could feel my entire body shaking and I shook my head, "No, no, no... breathe... come on." I murmured to myself. I didn't want a panic attack right here in this aisle. I wiped beneath my eyes, brushing away the two stray tears that had fallen down as I pressed my palm to my chest to slow my heart beat.
I stayed there for a few minutes, focussing on getting in deep breaths. Like so many times before when I had been in public places during moments like this, I gathered myself and postponed the inevitable panic attack until later.
I pulled myself together, faking it tremendously when I appeared collected and strong. I wasn't. I was dying. I picked up the meat again that I had dropped earlier, putting it carefully in my shopping cart before my eyes darted over everything in there.
I did it about six times before making sure that I had everything. The last thing I grabbed was a bottle of wine before making my way to the cash register. I didn't look around again, I didn't want to catch his eyes even from across the room. I kept my vision solemnly on my groceries, putting everything in bags and paying in silence before wheeling my cart back outside.
When I was behind the wheel of my car, I tightly gripped the steering wheel and let out more harsh breaths.
Keep it together.
You're doing this for Harry.
Don't be dramatic.
Don't cry.
I repeated the four things in my head. Nothing happened. We had hardly said three words. I was exaggerating. He hardly touched me.
Stop it.
My fingers were trembling as I stared up my car, forcing myself to cling to the small happiness I felt from the idea that I was about to surprise Harry.
Mitch couldn't tell something was up when I rang their bell. It was nearing six and Harry would be here soon, so I had to start on dinner if I wanted things ready for when he got here. It'd be ideal if I just had to heat stuff up, so we could actually spend time together instead of me being in the kitchen the whole time.
Mitch and Sarah left soon after, something about having dinner plans with Sarah's parents. They did that on the last Friday of every month apparently. It was quite a cute tradition, and Mitch blabbed on about Sarah's parents even though I was hardly listening.
I had cut up most of the veggies by the time I decided to cosy up the apartment a little. I put the wine glasses out, lit a couple of candles and left the curtains open so we could see the snow out of the windows from the couch. It was a real winter-y aesthetic now and it felt so cosy and comfy.
I felt a little nervous about surprising Harry like this. I had never done anything like this before, and neither had he. I had shown up at his door after visiting Brighton, and he had done that the evening before when I was freaking out about my hearing, but that was different.
When I heard the key sliding in the lock, I held my breath. I was behind the counter, unrolling the pizza dough when Harry walked in.
The first thing I saw was the frown on his forehead. He had his eyes low when he closed the door behind him and dropped his key in the small bowl next to it. Eventually I saw confusion in his eyes when he saw the glasses on the coffee table, and then more confusion when he finally noticed me in the kitchen.
"H-" I started with a smile but he cut me off, "What are you doing here?"
My smile faltered immediately as I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt nauseous immediately, my lips pressing together as I stood frozen in the kitchen.
He looked so... disappointed. I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I felt like I could cry all over again when he had a bit of a tired, annoyed look in his eyes. It was clear as day that he'd had a shitty time at work. When I left this morning, he was chipper and smiley.
Now, he just looked like he wanted to go to bed.
I fiddled with my fingers, "Oh, um... Dave called me today, said you had a shit day at work. I-I wanted to surprise you." I quietly murmured, keeping my eyes low. I felt physically sick. I was so stupid. He looked less than happy to find me unannounced in his kitchen, "I should've called, m-" I started but he interrupted me again, "Um," he slowly shook his head, letting out a sigh, "No, it's fine."
It didn't sound fine.
He pushed his hair back with one hand, sighing again, "'M just gonna grab a shower. Don't think I'm good company right now, need some time to think."
Not another look as he walked through the hallway and I heard him opening his bedroom door. My arms fell down limply by my sides as I felt my bottom lip trembling.
No.
Don't cry.
It's stupid. You're stupid. Dramatic.
I screwed my eyes shut tightly for a moment, blinking away the tears as I tried to swallow away the thick lump in my throat, but there were tight sobs there that were threatening to choke out.
He didn't want me here.
He looked at me like I was bothering him. I hated it. I despised that look. Patrick always looked at me like that, like everything I did was too much.
You suffocate people. Smother them. Always show up when you're not wanted.
So annoying. No wonder they all get sick of you.
Nobody will ever put up with your shit, Penelope. No one will have the patience that I had to deal with you.
I quickly cleaned up the kitchen a little, setting all the ingredients for the food aside so he could use it later tonight if he wanted to.
But I had to leave.
He didn't want me here. He wanted to be alone. I had been stupid, invading his privacy, showing up unannounced, annoying him. Of course he was disappointed. We weren't together. He had seen me for four days in a row already, was probably sick of me.
So disappointed.
My legs trembled as I continued pacing around the kitchen, putting everything back where I had found it before. I held one of the glass bowls in my hand, ready to put it back in the cupboard but I jumped up when I heard the hard slamming of the bedroom door.
The bowl fell out of my hands and dropped to the tiled kitchen floors, breaking into about a million pieces. I choked on a sob as tears spilled from my eyes, "No, no, no, stop." I whimpered to myself as I sniffed and dropped down to my knees.
"Penelope?!" I heard Harry's urgent, low voice from the hallway. The pieces of glass looked like blurry blobs to me through my teared-up eyes as I tried to gather some of the pieces, "It's fine!" I called back in an unsteady, hoarse voice, hoping I had convinced him.
His footsteps were loud and quick as I heard him running over to me. I sniffed more, keeping my head low as I reached for the multiple pieces of glass that littered the floor.
"What the hell?!" He snapped and I shut my eyes tightly again as I gasped for breaths. I was heading straight towards a panic attack and was in clear denial at this point. I didn't want Harry to see me like this, he'd think I was so dramatic.
"S-Sorry, it just... fell..." I tried to explain, "I'll clean it up, I promise."
I was on my knees on the floor and kept my eyes away from Harry. Pure panic was in my body just from how wired up I felt. I couldn't control the shaking of my hands any longer.
Seeing Patrick, seeing Harry's disappointed face. I couldn't do it, I had to leave. He didn't want me here.
"Penelope, stop, you'll hurt yourself!" Harry sternly spoke, kneeling down as well but I shook my head, "N-No, I'm f-"
"Stop it!" He snapped and I flinched at the volume of his voice. It was on instinct that I cowered back and blenched, my shoulders tensing as I held my breath. My eyes were still on the floor, tears leaking from them and falling down on the tiles as well.
The second Harry moved, which I could see in the corner of my eye, my arms raised and my eyes wired shut. I felt dizzy from how tightly I was holding my breath in my throat, and my forearms were shakily brought in front of my head as I tightened my jaw, eyes closed.
It was a defence manoeuvre, and I never realized how much of an instinct it was until now.
Harry stopped moving immediately, and the silence was deafening. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, my arms shaking as they shielded me.
"What... what are you doing?" He sounded greatly confused and I whimpered ever so quietly when I felt his fingertips on my arms. His hands closed around them as he gently forced me to lower them. My eyes were still closed.
"Penelope." Harry murmured. My cheeks were wet with tears, my jaw clenched and my brow furrowed in a hidden sob as I heard him say my name.
He repeated it, "Penelope. Look at me. Are you... are you scared of me?"
The sob finally came out. My shoulders hunched as I gasped in a breath, dropping all the tension in my body as my head felt so thick it was about to explode. I couldn't open my eyes still and the ringing in my ears was just a tad more silent than his voice.
"Oh, baby, baby..." Harry whispered, gently rubbing his thumbs over my arms that were still in his hold. I felt and heard him scooting closer to me, "C'mere." He softly spoke.
"I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry..." I choked out, shaking my head. I finally dared opening my eyes, seeing the look on his face as he watched me lose it. I shook my head some more, "I-I shouldn't've... You had s-such a shit day and I should just leave you alone... I'm sorry." I apologized while sobbing.
Harry softly shushed me, and I didn't have the energy to fight him anymore when he pulled me into a different position. He sat down against the cupboard and pulled me sideways into his lap so I sat in between his parted legs. His arms circled around my waist as he pulled me into his chest.
I cried against him, entire body shaking and tired after being in such a panic that it made me physically sick. I had never felt that way around him, and it was because Patrick made me feel like that. He had ruined my whole entire day and turned me into a crying, frightened mess again.
Harry stroked my hair, pecked my forehead and softly coaxed me. We fell in silence, my sniffs and sobs the only thing that could be heard as we sat on the kitchen floor.
"You thought I was going to hit you, didn't you?" Harry whispered.
My head was leaning into his chest, fully staining his jumper with all my tears. I nibbled on my lip as I shortly nodded, "I'm sorry..."
Harry shook his head, "Stop apologizing."
His grip around me tightened a little and he cupped my cheek with one hand, turning my face slightly so I could look at him. He had a look of pain and worry over him, "Penelope, I promise, I'd never do that... I could never... hurt you like that. Ever. And I know he probably said the same thing at some point but please... I promise, I could never." He pleaded.
Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. He was right, Patrick had said all that to me before. After the first time he shoved me, he was so apologetic. He was always apologetic, always promised me he'd never do it or he'd never cross the line to actually hit me. And I had always believed him.
With Harry it was different though. He looked like he could be sick at the thought that I was thinking he could ever inflict that sort of abuse on me. He had been nothing but soft and sweet to me. The few times we'd had an argument, Harry used his words and not his hands. He never intimidated me to the point I felt like I was in danger.
"God, I'm a fucking idiot." He sighed to himself, "I'm so sorry... just didn't expect you here and I've been in my head all day. Just thought it'd be better to be on my own, 'm not good company when I'm pissed like this." Harry apologized, kissing my forehead repeatedly.
I shook my head and sniffed, "No, no, it's okay. I-I should've known, shouldn't have showed up like that without you knowing anything. I should leave." I murmured, moving around in his grip so I could get up and leave.
Harry groaned in disapproval, keeping me firmly in place with his lips against my forehead, "No, not going anywhere... stay, please. 'M so sorry. Don't want you to leave."
I let out a breath and nodded, "Okay. Are you sure? I get it if you want to be alone." I tried again but Harry shook his head, "Never want to be alone again. Don't leave, please."
I sniffed and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck. If I wasn't feeling so exhausted and mentally drained, I would've commented more on his words.
Never want to be alone again.
"What were you going to make me?" Harry softly asked, breaking the silence.
A small smile played up on my lips, "Cheeseburger pizza."
His chest shook a little in a soft chuckle, "You're the best."
My smile faltered a little as I took a breath. We were still entwined on the kitchen floor, next to the pieces of broken glass, "Sorry about my reaction. I know you'd never hurt me. And I don't want you to feel like you can never yell or be angry with me. Today's just been... hard." I mumbled the last part.
"What happened?" Harry asked, pulling back a little. He had a frown on his forehead in worry, hand cupping my cheek as his thumb traced over my wet cheekbone. I hesitated for a moment and he shot me a look, "Penelope..." He urged me.
"I saw Patrick."
The circling of his thumb stopped, jaw clenching as he stared at me in disbelief, "Wait... what?!"
"At the grocery store." I sighed, shaking my head, "It's fine, nothing happened."
"Nothing happened? Did he talk to you?" Harry frowned and I pressed my lips together before shortly nodding, "Mhm."
"What did he say."
I shook my head again. Part of me wasn't sure why I was trying to keep this from Harry. It was a mix of different things. I felt embarrassed for having such a strong reaction to the few words Patrick spoke to me. I felt stupid for not telling him off. I felt like Harry would explode on Patrick if he heard.
"Come on.." Harry urged me in a soft voice, "Don't shut me out again... just talk to me."
I licked my lips as I let out a breath, admiring Harry's patience with me so much. I knew I was damaged goods, I knew Patrick fucked me up. I had made so much progress from being around Harry and he had truly watched me grow into a different person over time. I had such a habit of shutting down when I felt in moods like this, and I knew that I had shut him out on different occasions.
Just like I dragged answers out of him when he was in an off-mood, he did the same for me. And from experience, I knew it was exhausting.
"He... He tapped my shoulder and said hello. I told him he couldn't talk to me. He then said I wasn't going to do anything, wasn't going to call the cops on him. I didn't really say anything... I think." I frowned, realizing how blurry that moment was for me, like I hadn't really lived it. Panic did that to me, made me forget details.
Harry softly rubbed his thumb into my side and I continued, "He told me to be careful. And then he said I hadn't won, that I'd always belong to him." My voice died down slightly as Harry's grip on me tightened tremendously. I knew he was searching for ways to let his aggression out as he was seething from what I had just told him.
I peeked up to see his face, darker than the darkest cloud. It didn't scare me because I know it wasn't directed to me, but it still felt slightly intimidating. Harry was always such a soft soul around me that I found it hard to imagine him in an actual fight. I had never known him to be a very angry person.
"He... what the fuck?" Harry spoke through his teeth, clear disbelief in his eyes, "He said that? That you'd always belong to him?"
I shortly nodded and sniffed again, my sinuses thick from the heavy crying.
"Jesus fucking... asshole." Harry muttered, shaking his head before letting out a sigh, "what did you answer?"
"Nothing." I shrugged, "He then just did this." I brought my hand up and brushed my fingertips over Harry's cheekbone. His eyes widened, "He touched you?!"
I didn't respond, and Harry sighed again, "Fuck, fuck, fuck... I hate him so much." He gently took hold of my face, making me turn my head to fully look at him. I fought the small smile when he pressed his lips to my cheekbones, kissing the area that Patrick had touched just an hour earlier.
"I, um – I could tell I was about to have a panic attack but I kind of shoved it away and postponed it. And then I got here and I started on dinner and you arrived and... I don't know. With everything that happened, just kind of triggered me I suppose." I tried to explain.
Harry kissed my cheek again, repeatedly pecking the area, "I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. I get it. We've never done this, show up in each other's house just like that. I thought it'd help you forget about a stressful day, but I realize that I have no idea how you deal with that kind of stuff. So I just assumed... I'm sorry." I sighed.
Harry faintly smiled, "So in conclusion, we're both sorry."
I giggled slightly into his chest, "Exactly. And I'm extra sorry for breaking that bowl."
"Fuck that bowl, wasn't mine anyway." Harry snickered and I palmed my face, "I'll buy Mitch something."
"No, no, please don't. He probably doesn't even know we own that, he never cooks. Just leave it, it's fine."
"Okay." I breathed in a smile, feeling calmed down. I sniffed as I untangled myself from him, "I'm cleaning it up though, can't take that away from me."
"Wouldn't dare." Harry grinned back, accepting my hand as I pulled him up to a standing position.