December 28th, 2012, Phoenix, Arizona
Stevie sat on her mother's bed, Barbara's cold, lifeless, tiny hand still in hers. Silent tears streamed down Stevie's face as she stroked her mom's fingers, looking into the beloved face of her best friend that had just passed away. How could she ever go on with her life without her in it?
Another heavy crying fit overwhelmed her and she crawled into the bed and snuggled closer to her. She knew, soon people would come to take her away from her, and she wasn't ready yet to let her go. Her family and friends had left the room after Stevie had asked them for some privacy, and they all had agreed, knowing far too well how close Stevie and Barbara had always been.
"I'm so going to miss you, mom..", she sobbed, "I love you so much.. Why did you leave me? You know how much I need you..."
Stevie wrapped her arms around her mother's body and pulled her closer.
"Mom... What am I gonna do?", she cried even heavier, "What about Lindsey? What am I gonna do without your advice.. Even though, I've never listened to it, though..", she smiled sadly through her tears, remembering how Barbara and her had spent hours discussing what she and him were doing every year and how her mother had never understood why both of them were torturing themselves so much.
Barbara was the only person on earth, Stevie had told about her and Lindsey's arrangement. No other person she had trusted that much.
She remembered how she had instantly flown to Arizona after the night she had spent with Lindsey. Her mother had already been sick then, and when she had arrived at her house, she had seen that Barbara was going to die. She had spent the last twelve days here, not leaving her mother's side once. They had talked and talked, laughed and cried. They had told each other anything that needed to be said, and still, as she lay here beside her, she felt as if there was still so much she needed to tell her. So many things they hadn't talked about yet.
Stevie was so engrossed in her thoughts and crying that she didn't hear the knocking at the door.
"Stevie?", she heard someone calling her name.
She looked up. In the doorframe stood Lori.
"Stevie, honey.. Listen.. They are here to take her, now.. It's time."
"No", Stevie cried out loud and held on to Barbara even tighter, "Not yet.. I'm not ready yet. Lori, make them go! I can't.."
"Oh, Stevie..", Lori said sadly and sat down beside her to pull her into a hug, "I know this is hard right now.. But you have to let her go.."
"I can't, Lori.. I just can't.."
"You've been in here for three hours, now... It's time..", Lori said softly and stroked Stevie's hair in order to soothe her.
"How can I go on without her?"
"You will, honey.. It's going to be hard but you will push through! You've been through so much already.."
"This is different, Lori.. She's my mom!"
"I know...", Lori said, now crying herself again, she had always loved Barbara, "But Stevie, you are strong. You are such a strong person.. And I am always there for you, you know that, right? You know that I love you, Stevie?"
Stevie nodded in response and let Lori rock her forth and back for a while until two men entered the room and carried her tiny mother outside of the house.
---
Stevie and Lori went back into the living-room where the rest of her family and friends were staying. All of them had red and puffy eyes from crying. Barbara had been loved by a lot of people. She had always been the rock of the family.
Her brother Christopher stood up and walked across the room to pull his sister into a hug.
She held on to him tightly and listened to his soothing words. It all reminded her so much of the day when their father had passed away a few years ago. It was heartbreaking.
They sat down for a while and talked about Barbara, about all the things they had experienced with her together and about the funeral. They went through photos and poems, cried and laughed about the memories they shared of her.
Eventually, all of them escaped into their bedrooms and Stevie walked into her own one. It was still way too early for her to sleep. Only 10 pm. But everyone had been tired and wanted to get some rest, so she had let them go.
As she lay down on the bed, she wanted to call him, wanted to hear his voice, tell him what had happened, tell him that she needed him badly, right now.
And then the memories of their last conversation came up on her mind.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me, Stephanie! Can you do that? No, you can't! Because I see it in your eyes. I see it every single time you look at me. You still love me.
She sighed heavily. She hadn't been able to answer him, back then. She had just gotten up to dress herself and had left the room without saying one single word. She had never left him behind like that before. They hadn't talked since then. What should she have said anyway?
Of course, she still loved him, but it didn't change one thing about him being married to another woman with three kids. And it didn't change the fact, that she was still all alone, heartbroken and unable to fall in love with anyone else.
She still remembered how he had looked at her in shock when she had just left him like that. How he had tried to make her stop from dressing herself by pulling her into his arms and how she had freed herself from his embrace and had escaped his presence as fast as possible.
Her eyes wandered to the phone on her nightstand. She needed to tell him about her mother, needed to hear his voice, now. They weren't allowed to talk about what had happened in Hilo anyways, it was one of their rules, but on the other hand, he had already broken one of their rules by telling her that he still loved her.
Oh God, he really still loved her. She couldn't believe it. And it felt so good to know that he still felt for her in that kind of way.. But it hurt like hell, too.
She took a deep breath, picked up the phone and dialed his number.
"Hello?"
"Li – Lindsey?"
"Yes, it's me. Is that you, Stevie?"
"Yeah.."
"From where are you calling? I didn't recognize the number.."
"Phoenix."
"Oh.."
"Lindsey, Barbara died this morning."
"What? No!"
And before she was able to say one more word, another heavy crying fit overwhelmed her and she sobbed desperately into the phone.
"Stevie? Steph? What happened?", she heard his worried voice asking her over and over again, "Talk to me! Stevie? Shhhh, stop crying, please.. Stevie.."
"She.. She just passed away..", she sobbed, "She fell asleep and.. and didn't wake up again.."
"Oh, Stevie.. I am so sorry..", he said and his voice was trembling now, too.
"Lindsey.. I.. I just thought you need to know.. I know you always liked her a lot and... And you've known her for so long.. And..", she had no idea what she was saying but she kept on talking.
"Stevie, I'm glad you called me.. I don't know what to say.. Just that I am terribly sorry, angel.."
She sobbed even heavier by his words.
"Where exactly are you right now?"
"At my mother's house.. Why?"
"I'll come and see you.", he said matter-of-factly.
"What? No, Linds.. No.. Stay at home.."
"Definitely not. I won't leave you alone now."
"I am not alone.. Everybody's here.. I.. I can do this, Lindsey.."
"Stevie.."
"No, Linds.. No.. Don't come here.. I just.. I needed to tell you about her.."
"What can I do?", he asked desperately and couldn't stop from tearing up now himself. He felt so helpless, knowing that she was once again in pain but still tried to shut him out.
"Nothing, Lindsey.. Nothing.", she said sadly, "Thank you for listening to me.. I'll hang up now."
"Steph, don't-"
"Goodbye, Linds.", she said and hung up on him.
---
He looked down at the phone in his hands. He needed to see her. Now.
"Where are you going?", Kristen asked quizzically when he ran down the stairs with a suitcase in his hands 15 minutes later.
"Stevie's mother died this morning. I need to be there."
"Oh.. I am sorry..", Kristen said slowly, "But why do you..?"
"She needs me there. She's in pain."
"Can't you wait until the funeral?"
"No, Kristen, I can't."
"But we wanted to spend the weekend with the kids. Celebrate New Year's Eve together.."
"She just lost her mother!", Lindsey exclaimed.
"You haven't seen her in months but go there as soon as she flicks her fingers!", Kristen said clearly annoyed.
Oh Kristen, you have no idea, he thought to himself.
"Wow.. Do you even listen to yourself? A person died, Kristen!"
She watched him getting into his boots and leather jacket and sighed.
"You're right.. I'm sorry.. When will you be back?"
"I don't know.. I'll call you."
And without any more words he left the house and made his way to the airport to catch the next flight to Phoenix.
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Thank you all for your nice words regarding this story. I'm so glad you like it and I'm definitely going to go on writing it.