Being an idol was something he was glad and proud to become though, being one gave him the capability to see through the reality of being an idol. Contrary to what people see in the internet and news, the life of an idol is hard – people may debut and achieve success but you cannot really determine success in this show business. Everything happens in a blink of an eye, blink, you see people fail and retire; blink, and you see someone's popularity skyrocketing high beyond you could fathom.
He risked his future with someone he loves so much for a future he's not even certain he could achieve just because he was chosen. He realized that now, they were in L.A, practicing hard and trying to film their first music video. It was hard because the agency that he had auditioned for wasn't really established, it was struggling and they were betting it all on this boy group they are molding them into for one last shot at success.
The crew they were working with was spending their own money for the other necessary things needed during the shoot, the boys were down to no choice when they had no money left and had to borrow to the staff just to cross the hunger they were experiencing. Sometimes, the boys had only eaten at least a single cup of ramen and a lot of water to get through the day. Jimin got skinnier, he hadn't really gotten much money and prices here in L.A are much inflated than in Korea.
Everybody was risking all they've got, working hard with all their might, that's why this debut means so much, this music video was everything for them. Jimin was struggling so much, behind the cameras and behind everyone's knowledge, he sometimes couldn't sleep thinking about everything that he did and whether this is what he really wanted.
Sometimes, he wants to go back.
But he knows he can't. Not when what he did was something that couldn't be taken lightly and just saying 'I'm sorry' couldn't have erased it. The memory of what happened haunts him every night, the way Jungkook's eyes cried tears that he wished to wipe away but he couldn't, the way Jungkook begged that he wanted to say everything wasn't really real and he loves him so much he couldn't leave him but he couldn't, the way...the way they both made love for the last time and as much as he wanted to stay, he couldn't. He couldn't – god, he couldn't even do them for Jungkook, the boy he loves so much and the person that was here, right in his heart. The conscience, the guilt it was eating him alive and Jimin couldn't bear it no matter how many tears he shed each night as he lulls himself to sleep because he needs to get up early tomorrow so he could practice.
One night, the tears couldn't stop and Jimin couldn't take it anymore.
Namjoon saw him then sat there with him outside as he calms himself from crying. Namjoon didn't talk. But he stayed.
Another night came, this time, he didn't cry though he somehow wanted to die. Everything was so hard and he wishes he could just go back.
Then, Namjoon spoke, "I know it's hard right now, but how do you know it'll get better if you leave?"
"Someone might be there waiting for you when you get back, what would he or she might think when you don't go back at all? It's hard for you but it's also going to be hard for someone else without you. Be strong." Namjoon stood up, dusting off his clothes and ready to leave
Jimin grabbed his clothes and fisted them in his hands. "Hyung,"
"Yeah?" Namjoon softly replied, letting Jimin know that he was there. He was there to stay with him and help him get through this after all, they were co-members now. They were friends.
"I miss him." Jimin told then continued to repeat what said with so much sincerity, longing and grief all laced into one, "I miss him so much, hyung."
Bangtan Sonyeondan's debut came, their first song out along with the music video for South Korea to hear and see. They went to numerous music shows to promote their song and album, yes they had series of promotions but it wasn't really BTS hit yet. And being in a business were there are still big groups dominating and garnering almost at least seventy-five percent of the whole fan bases, there was no room for them to reign.
But at least, they were known even though not much. They worked hard again; there were noticeable differences since they were just practicing, since they were filming their first music video, and everything. The situation got a little better, yeah.
Jimin got immersed in this life, even though they weren't that much popular, they still had fans and the idea of it all was overwhelming, thinking just how people loves them and supports them through their dreams gave a little ease in his heart despite the heavy burden it was carrying.
Is Jungkook seeing him right now?
He misses him badly – badly was really an understatement, because he miss him with everything in him, with every single piece of him that was alive; but he knows this isn't the time to go back yet. Not when he's just starting, he can't go back still.
Jimin decided it was when he's popular he'll go back to Jungkook, at least, in some appeasing way, what he had broken between them made him create something he can treasure dearly.
He wanted to go back with a face to show, a Jimin that Jungkook could be proud despite his sins. A Jimin that this time could support him and give him anything he wants, he wanted to be that Jimin. The Jimin that he hopes Jungkook would love again.
Years flew by, things started to get hectic, but there wasn't a single day Jimin didn't forget about Jungkook. Some nights, at his bed as he stares at the ceiling above him, he thinks about Jungkook.
"How is he?" He thinks. He hopes Jungkook was doing okay. He hopes Jungkook's doing something he loves just like what he does. He wanted Jungkook to see what he sees - the lights that gave him adrenaline in the stage, the screaming and cheering fans that yelled their hearts out to say 'I love you' to their group, just everything.
He wanted to share the moments with Jungkook, but he couldn't.
Just a little more, Jungkook. Just wait a little more.
Then, BTS' popularity boomed with the release of their song 'I Need U', they had their first music show win and everything felt magical. Jimin got an interview backstage on how it felt, it was utterly happiness and bliss though the tinge of melancholia twitched in his heart because he wanted Jungkook to hold the trophy as he whispers "this is all for you,"
And maybe, just maybe, Jungkook will reply to him, "I'm proud of you,"
Tears fell in the middle of the interview and Jimin got teased around by his band mates back at the dorm as they reminisce the moment.
In a lot of establishments they have sponsored, and a lot of events they have done and went to – it only took one for Jimin's heart to start beating erratically in his chest again.
It only took Jeon Jungkook for Jimin to love, just like how it used to be.
But Jungkook grew bitter and cold, got anger bottled inside him that churned like a beast that wasn't really capable of forgiving.
At first, Jimin thought it was the walls, the walls that hid the Jeon Jungkook that loved him. Everybody had their own defense-mechanism and maybe anger was Jungkook's own.
He persisted harder, because if there's something that the idol dream taught Jimin, it was not giving up even if things got harder, because that only meant to try even harder.
Jimin had to grow thick skin from all the words Jungkook spout at him, it was hurtful but Jimin acted like he didn't hear those at all. If he really wanted Jungkook's forgiveness, he had to endure the consequences of his actions.
He tried to talk to him to no avail, although his attempts actually led them to talk, he couldn't speak anything at all because Jungkook's anger always got the best of him and it always left them hanging by a thread.
It all screams irony – how before Jungkook was the one trying pull their relationship together, trying to pull and make Jimin stay though Jimin didn't listen but now here he Is, begging Jungkook to talk to him, just hear out what he has to say though now Jungkook doesn't want to listen to him.
Every attempt he made was rendered useless and at each attempt, Jungkook always makes it clearer. Jungkook always strengthening his resolve, always putting up the walls Jimin couldn't seem to knock down.
What really hit Jimin was when Jungkook said he didn't want him in his life anymore. It felt like the ground congested to form a sturdy looking hand that grabbed his feet under; it felt like dying. No he wasn't exaggerating, it really did. That was the hardest slap Jungkook could give – his slap of reality.
It hit him too hard, shook his own world, because what does everything mean now? What does everything he'd worked hard for all these years when the one person he did all it for didn't want him back in his life, really, what does everything mean now?
As much as he didn't wanted to let go, you cannot dictate a heart according to your own.
So he did.
He let go and cried.
His world shook when another truth slapped him, it was Jikook's identity. His son – god, that's why he looked so familiar. He was the spitting image of him as a child just like in the pictures, no matter how Jungkook hid it – the truth was bound to be discovered.
But...did he actually have the right?
Legally, yes, but to Jungkook who he left that became pregnant with his own child – vulnerable and all alone, does he have rights in Jungkook's eyes because the law is at it is, but there was something more beyond the law. There was so much more between them, so much more from their past that even the law could not comprehend, would not understand the emotions buried in their pasts.
Jimin felt guilty, the guilt that he had been carrying for years only gotten heavier because he left the love of his life pregnant all alone. Then, it struck him, that he ought to make things right. Do the things he couldn't do when he left Jungkook, when he left his own son, be a father.
Be his family's strength and protector.
But it's not easy, not at all because Jungkook hates him to guts, but he has a right to know his son, at least. Jikook was someone who had you falling hard with his charms, he has a lot of sides and each side he had made him greater than the whole; made Jimin love his son harder than he's already falling.
Spending time with them only made Jimin realized how much he had missed, and the endless sea of what ifs kept drifting in his mind, what if he didn't leave? What if he stayed? Would they be a complete family now? Would Jikook be happy having two fathers by his side? But maybe, the reason why they met again, and that's all because of Jikook, was fate's way of pulling strings and giving him the opportunity better than he had – maybe meeting again after all those years, was their opportunity to become complete, to become the family he had dreamed of and maybe, maybe this was his second shot at love.
But now, everything was ruined, all by him! He didn't mean anything by this meeting, he genuinely wanted Jungkook and Jikook to meet his group members – he was that proud of them, although it scared him because he thinks Jungkook and Jikook might not get along with his group, he's proud of them. He wanted to brag them to his members – how lucky he is for having them in his life.
Maybe, he's wrong for doing this. For doing this before he could come clean to Jungkook. He should have told him the truth about everything before meeting this – maybe he should have foreseen Jungkook and Yoongi. But Bang PD went ahead of him and decided to meet them and Jungkook didn't decline.
And maybe, the nervousness and the overwhelming feeling of it all made him forgot about coming clean to Jungkook. But he could have explained! He could have told him that, that night was an illusion made to deceive him – his eyes. It wasn't him! He didn't want Yoongi – and after that night, he made sure Yoongi knew that.
He didn't want Yoongi to expect him to like him back when he can't. Jimin had already surrendered his heart to Jungkook. Yoongi would end up waiting for something that wouldn't come and Jimin felt like his hyung didn't deserve that although yes, Yoongi took advantage of him under the influence of alcohol and he took advantage of what Yoongi did to him to – even. But he didn't want Yoongi to suffer. After all, they were still members and Yoongi helpd him a lot, he was a great hyung to him.
Yoongi downplayed what he said then brushed it off with continuous nodding and series of 'ok'. Despite what Jimin said, Yoongi restricted himself from advances on Jimin but Yoongi couldn't stop himself, he had restricted himself already from doing anything physically with Jimin because of that last time, though resisting his feelings wasn't really under his control and he really had no intentions of stopping. He fell, just like that but unbeknownst to Jimin's knowledge – he kept it cool.
Jimin tucked Jikook to bed that night, Jikook slept on his bed while he volunteered to stay at the couch instead but Jikook wouldn't stop from crying, which Jimin hated to see because he felt something in his chest being prickled against his will.
"Shhh," Jimin hushed, wiping the tears from Jikook's eyes.
"H-hyung," the little boy hiccupped, the threatening pool of tears are on the corner of his eyes.
"I know, you're sad but your appa had to do something important." He reassured, "but he'll be back to see you. Come on," Jimin ran his hands on Jikook's small back, soothing the boy from his hiccups.
"Hyung, please tell appa to come back soon," he begged, balling Jimin's clothes under his fists.
"If you take a good sleep tonight, you would wake up feeling better and then you're appa will be there to see you again. Your appa loves you so much, he won't leave you." He told the little boy, his hand still running along the boy's back.
"Promise, hyung? Appa will be back when I wake up?"
"I promise." Jimin raised his hand, "Maybe he'll even bring you something that you like..." Jimin acted as if thinking about something, "what does Jikook like that appa brings him?"
Jikook answered in a heartbeat, boasting with a brighter mood, "Appa always brings me cinnamon rolls to eat when he picks me up at school!"
"There you go," Jimin told, "Now, it's getting pretty late, Jikook-ah. You need to sleep, so you can wake up to see your appa tomorrow."
Jikook nodded and rested his back against the pillow on Jimin's bed. Jimin pulled the covers and tucked Jikook comfortably. He ruffled his hair before getting up and head towards the door.
"H-hyung?"
"Yes, baby boy?" Jimin turned back, looking back at Jikook who was staring back at him.
"Can you stay? It feels weird sleeping here," Jikook told him honestly, the boy wasn't used to sleeping in another room.
"Of course, anything for you, baby."
Then, Jimin went back, taking the empty space beside Jikook just for the night. He slowly placed his arm on Jikook protectively as the little boy fluttered his eyes closed. Jimin softly patted Jikook repeatedly whilst humming a tune that he just made up at that moment. He could feel Jikook's breathing becoming steady, and then the boy started snoring lightly.
Jimin stared Jikook, examining his face intently. Everything was from him except Jikook's eyes – they were Jungkook's, as exactly like his other father, those eyes always held the truth regarding Jungkook's emotions. Jungkook can lie, but his eyes always spoke the truth about what he was feeling. Jimin always stared at those eyes, when they were happy, when they were sad – he knew it. But Jimin always loved the twinkle of those lovely eyes rather than the gloomy emptiness that it hollowed when sad.
He kissed Jikook's forehead, one look at Jikook, and Jimin will always find his will and reason.
Sweet dreams, baby. I love you so much, you and your appa.