I roll over in my bed, the pounding in my head inevitable but still makes me uncomfortable. The muffled silence leaves a ringing in my ears that I need to get rid off.
I pull myself up from the unwashed sheets, actually dirty. They haven't been washed since Louis last slept in them, they smell of him.
"I heard you were awake, you always let out a deep sigh as soon as you wake up." Lottie says, poking her head through the crevice in the door between the frame.
I grab a sweatshirt from the wardrobe, one of my own, for once. I wear Louis' ones to much, they don't fit. Way too small.
There's no antidote or medicine for what I feel, it's like a gaping hole has opened at the bottom of my chest, I know exactly what Bella meant after Edward left, in New Moon.
I always hated that book, she just dwells in the past for hundreds of pages.
"Silent treatment, still?" I forgot she was there until she spoke up, so I look out the window to see the great grass mounds of late January.
"I'm going to see my mum today." It's not the next day per-say , still this dumb Thursday.
"After how you acted at school earlier, you're not going anywhere, sir."
"You're not my fucking mom Lottie." I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, still not processed my new hair cut.
"Well you haven't seen her so is she even your mom-"
"You have no right in speaking to me that way. I want to see her. So bad, but the thought of the house makes me sick. I can't just stroll in and pretend all the memories that happened there didn't happen." I let out a deep sigh.
"It's okay, Harry. Let's go." She pats my back, I lean into the sink. Turning on the tap and splashing the cold water into my face, the coldness is comforting.
~~
"I'll be here the entire time okay." She rubs my hand under hers- the platonic relationship between the two of us is something I've never had. Especially this close with someone.
We stand on the grass in the front garden, Lottie says she called my mum before hand but I'm still not sure whether to believe her or not.
"Thank you for this, for everything."
"Well if today goes smoothly you can get out of my hair," She smiles up to me, I feel the concern in my cheeks.
"I'm joking! I'm not ready for that yet, I need you around as much as you need me." I smile, as she pulls me up the deck stairs.
Knocking on the door, I close my eyes shut, pushing them as hard as they will get together.
"Harry?" She asks, I only hear her voice, not able to look at her.
"Mum." I open them, releasing Lotties hand and immediately grabbing onto my mother.
I have to bend over slightly as I wrap my arms around her petite frame, she feels warm. In her pyjamas on this cold Thursday evening, the darkness behind me is unsettling, still too dark for winter not to have ended yet.
Her smell is natural, familiar. I love her natural scent as it has never changed, through all my life she's smelled the same, even when she's grown into her old age, our new house, even when her height has decreased. Her scent has never changed.
"Harry where have you been??" The concern in her voice makes me upset.
"I've been staying at Lotties." I exhale in my voice.
"Lottie! Love, how are you?" She hadn't seen her before speaking to me, only focused on me.
What a shitty son.
"I'm great Anne."
"That's lovely!" she smiles at her behind me before turning back to me, "Where's Louis?"
The smile on my face falls at the saying of his name. No i can't do this, any confidence I had to finally go back into the house disappears to a point where I don't even bother to find it again.
"Second thoughts we best be off." I say, turning around, whispering to Lotties ear, "I can't do this."
She grabs my stomach, stopping me from walking away back t other car.
"That's actually why we're here, Anne! She says in a dampened tone.
"Do come in! Your sisters are lovely but they don't have a clue how to cook chicken soup. Your brother makes it so well, Lottie."
The girls have been staying with her for the time being, being left in this house is a worst punishment then a prison cell. The never ending hallways hurt my brain.
"You have to stay, Harry. It's worth it, I promise." She pulls me through the door.
My brain itches from the inside out at the sight of his favourite spot on the couch, his seat at the dinner table. I don't even want to think about how the bedroom looks.
"Here, come, come!" She pays the couch in where she sits, the evening news plays on the television quietly behind her.
"Tea? I'm making." Lottie says, skipping to the kitchen. For her this is a second home, she visits more then so have. January nearly coming to end has sent me into a spiral, a month since his birthday and my heart nearly ripped apart.
"That would be lovely." My mum rubs her hand on mine, caressing it as she responds to Lottie.
"So, where's your boyfriend today? I feel like I haven't seen him in ages, but I guess that's what old age does to you, messes with the mind." She smiles a smile that I know will be gone far to soon after we tell her.
"Um-"
"That's actually why we came over, although Harry did want to see you." Lottie appears from nowhere sitting on the sofa next to me.
"Has something hap-"
"Mum. Let her explain."
"Well, the boys went on that trip and-"
~~
I hold her warm body beneath my arms, she cries silently into my chest and all I could do was rub her back. It takes a lot of time to get over such big news, but after today I'm just to tired to look after her. Tomorrows Friday, so atleast I can talk to Zayn in a non-school setting soon.
"Do you mind if I-" I speak to Lottie, pointing to the ceiling. I want to go to bed, I'm not picky on which bed I want any.
"Of course." She grabs my mother as I slowly remove myself.
"I can't believe he's gone... So young..." I agree mum.
I trot up the stairs, using the banister as a type of support, I guess I was expecting a kind of sense of you as soon as I entered the bedroom but all I could feel was a smell of weed.
I fold over onto the bed, crying silently into it, I've made a promise to myself I would never cry in front of people ever again. The sheets smell damp, the window in the corner still open, fuck that's been open a long time.
I notice the cold suddenly, rolling into the bed sheets, they smell of him.
I push myself onto his side of the bed, he could never sleep if it was on my side. I didn't really mind. They smell like his favourite aftershave but also his favourite shampoo, the pillow did anyway.
I cry into the under sheet to avoid any transfer of smell, I didn't want to loose this smell no matter what.
It drifts in and out of my nostrils as I slowly fall into a slumber, I still feel my tear stained cheeks but not as heavily.
~~