THIS IS A SPOOF CHAPTER!
Author's Note: This chapter was published on April Fool's Day 2015. Prepare yourselves for a glimpse into my deranged brain. Oh, and be forewarned, this contains just a little naughtiness.
Since this is not a real chapter - if you want to skip it, you can, and you will not miss anything except some laughs. :D
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The next day, Louis accompanied me to my appointment to have my stitches removed. Preston drove, of course, because he still worked for me, but also because I secretly want to keep him enslaved to me and me alone for the rest of his days. Liam, Veronica, Danielle, and Zayn came along, too, just in case we ran into Richard again. In fact, they all signed a contract agreeing to accompany me everywhere from now on because I was weak on my own, and I needed their strength to help me through every situation I would face from now on. Yes, basically I made them all my bodyguards.
When we got to the appointment, I found out that I would be seen by a new doctor. He opened the door and my eyes practically fell from their sockets. Holy hot, blonde Irish bombshell! I practically fainted as his intoxicating scent wafted in before him, and I felt certain that a spell had been cast over me because I couldn't tear my eyes away from the luscious specimen standing before me.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Niall Horan," he schmoozed. "And who might you be?" He picked up my hand and kissed it. Louis lurched forward, but I held him at bay.
"I've got this, Lou," I said confidently. I turned to the doctor and replied, "I'm Ashten Norwood, of the Long Island Norwoods. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Doctor. If I'm not mistaken, you're the gardener who did my friend...oops, I meant did some work for my friend a few years back."
"Veronica? Yes, she was lovely, but I always secretly hoped I would see you again. I've only wanted you ever since the first time I laid eyes on you."
"What the hell-" Louis began, but I stopped him again.
"Louis, dear, why don't you wait for me outside. I think I'll be okay."
As soon as the door closed behind him, Niall's lips landed on mine, gliding them over mine in an expert fashion, making all the blood in my body rush to my...um, my face, yeah, my face.
When he finally pulled away from the mind-blowing kiss, I said, "I have a confession to make. I've always hoped I would run into you again, too, because damn! You are hot as fuck!"
"Speaking of fuck," he said with a wink.
I dug into my purse and gave him my card. "Meet me at my house at 8:00."
He removed the stitches without a bit of pain, or at least I didn't notice any pain because he had one hand burning into my thigh and his tongue was down my throat.
When I returned to the waiting room, Louis' face was red with fury. "What the hell was that all about?" He demanded.
"Oh, relax," I told him. "Niall and I are old friends. You're still my main squeeze."
He looked like he didn't quite believe me, but he took my hand anyway. But then I asked him to carry me because, well, my leg did hurt just a tiny bit, but my knees were so weak from Niall fondling me that I didn't trust myself to make it to the elevator.
When we returned home, I invited everyone inside.
The Queen of the Damned, AKA my mother, approached us in the foyer. "What in god's name is all this racket? What were you thinking, Ashten, by bringing these hoodlums back here and raising the roof like a bunch of common scoundrels!"
"You aren't going to touch her, got it?" Zayn snapped at my mother.
"They're not all scoundrels, Mother. Don't you recognize Liam Payne, the infinitely famous singer from One Direction, NO! I mean the solo singer from England who had never met Louis, Zayn, Harry or Niall before this story began."
"Ohhhhh," she drawled in a very, very creepy voice. Then she stopped. "Wait, who are Harry and Niall?" I just shook my head and she continued with her prowl. "Liam Payne. Of course I've heard of you," she said, stepping closer and placing her hand on his chest. She dragged her talons up and down his torso while she went on, "I've heard every song, watched every music video and interview, and I even have a picture of you in my night stand."
Veronica shoved my mother away and barked, "Back off, you twisted, disgusting harlot-tramp-slut-bitch-cougar!"
My mother backed off and tipped her nose in the air. "No need to get nasty about it. I was just joking."
Liam stood there looking completely dumbfounded, somewhat terrified, and just slightly aroused.
"Not funny, Mother. It's inappropriate and disgusting on so many levels. I can't believe I'm even related to you!" I yelled.
"You're one to talk," she sneered. "You're not funny either." Everyone stopped and stared at her, clearly in shock at her absurdly pitiful comeback.
Just then, Lucinda's voice blared through the crowd. "Move out da way! Lucinda's comin' through!"
"It's all right, Lucinda. We've got this," I assured her.
"Oh, no, honey. I been waiting almost twenty damn years for a shot at this bitch! Now watch out cuz ima throw down!" With that, she gave my mother a swift punch in the gut. Then she walked away, calling sweetly behind her. "I'll be in the kitchen if y'all need anything else. How 'bout some chocolate chip cookies?"
"Yes, please!" We replied excitedly.
I stepped in and confronted my mother. "I had an interesting conversation with Daddy the other day. He told me to follow my heart and not the rantings of a deranged, spiteful lunatic who has been dominating my life for the past 18 years."
She looked at me blankly.
"I'm pretty sure he was talking about you, Mother."
"Oh," she nodded in understanding.
"And by the way, he told me to tell you that he wants a divorce. And the next time you send a servant to the store, could you please have them fetch some of that chocolate that he really likes?"
She just rolled her eyes. "It's about time. For the divorce and the chocolate. God, that stuff makes him so horny that I just can't...."
"NOOO!" I screamed. "He also told me to tell you that he's planning to run away with Sofia Vergara."
"Dammit!" She huffed.
I wasn't finished with her yet. "He also told me about the children you've kept in the cellar for most of your married life. I'm seriously considering turning you in because, dang, woman! I think that's going a little too far. But the point here is that I'm running away with Louis and the rest of this rag-tag team, and I might invite Harry and Niall along for the eye candy and hey, they might be good for a roll in the hay later."
"How could you do this to me?" She wailed. But then she stopped and questioned, "Who are Harry and Niall? You never answered me before." I waved off her curiosity and she continued, "I was hoping to add you to my um, collection in the cellar. You were supposed to be the den mother. I had you so well trained until this joker showed up." She stuck her finger in Louis' face, at which point he bit it hard enough to draw blood.
"OW!" She shrieked. "You dirty little.... Wait, what was your name again? I kind of like you."
Louis vomited onto her shoes and she returned to shrieking mode. "Everything would have worked out perfectly if it weren't for your spicy little buns prancing around our pool and turning on everything within a three-mile radius!"
Louis ran out the door, heaving as he went. So much for having my back.
"I'm done with your lies, Mother," I said.
"Lies?" She asked innocently.
"Yes, Mother," I said impatiently. "Like telling me that I was weak and sickly as a child when I actually remember taking Joey Lipnicki down in the sandbox with my pinky finger. You didn't want me to know my true strength, did you? You didn't want me to realize that I was destined for greatness. You didn't want me to understand that with great power comes great responsibility! And you didn't want me to know that you played Catwoman in Batman Returns!"
She stood her ground momentarily, and then she screamed, "Damn it! You're right. I didn't want you to know about Batman because...brace yourself, Ashten. Batman is your father!"
"Say what?"
"You heard me. Batman is your real father. I couldn't risk having you find out because then your life would be in danger," she said dramatically. Then she realized what she'd done. "Oh, shit, now I've spilled the beans and your life really is in danger."
"Sooooo, you're telling me that Bruce Willis is not my daddy, but Michael Keaton is really my daddy?"
"No!" She cried. "Aren't you listening to me? Batman is your real father!"
I activated the walkie talkie feature on my watch and paged our head of security. "Bruno, get the straight jacket. Then call an ambulance, a SWAT team, the fire department, the Navy SEALs, and notify the folks from Happy Haven mental asylum. And tell them to bring back up."
She started towards me, frantic. "No! Please don't!"
In a split second, Zayn had my mother immobilized in a karate hold, but his voice was calm and even. "I'd suggest you watch your language in front of the ladies."
"Hey!" Liam protested.
I vaguely heard Danielle and Veronica cheering for me somewhere in the background while I straightened my skirt. Then I noticed the bruises that still lingered on my legs and I said, "Mother, you are certifiably insane. You made me hook up with a much older man and you tried to force us to get married. That is so sick and twisted, I don't even know what to do with that! And see these bruises? Those are from Richard trying to force himself on me last week, after I broke up with him."
My mother stopped struggling and looked at me in all seriousness, saying, "You never slept with Richard? Are you friggin' insane? He's one hot little pop-tart. I even slept with him, for heaven's sake."
Zayn tightened his grip, visibly increasing his forceful lock on my mother's arm while I felt like my lunch was going to splatter all over her face any moment. But I did some deep breathing to calm myself. "I'm so done with you, Mother. I'm leaving now and I hope to never see you again."
"Where are you going?" She spat. "I know you! I've raised you to always need someone to be in control of you. You'll be back!"
"Thanks to this fortunate turn of events, I now have six men to whom I will gladly give control. Liam, Preston, Harry, Niall, Zayn, and...darn, who am I missing?" I mused. I counted them all on my fingers and then it came to me. "Oh, of course, Louis! Can't forget Louis! And then there are Danielle and Veronica if they want to play that way. I'm open to anything, really."
My mother looked at me with the most pitiful expression. "Please, please Ashten Dearest. Can I please come with you? That sounds like a wild time."
Zayn held her arm at an even more awkward angle and I heard a slight cracking sound. Then her arm snapped in half and she screamed in pain.
Zayn dropped her and stepped back. "Is the ambulance here yet?"
"Good-bye, Mother," I said solemnly over her blood-curdling screams. "My friends and I are running off to join the circus. And maybe dabble in politics, but we'll see about that. They seem to have too many clowns in that profession as it is."
With that, I walked away triumphantly, with my entourage following behind me. When we got outside, I looked around. "Where the hell is Louis?!"
He came from behind the limo, still looking a bit green. "Preston, you're gonna have to get this thing washed. And maybe re-painted."
"Are you okay, snookums?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. But I'm a little disappointed that I'm not your one and only anymore."
I waved off his concern. "Lou, I told you that you'll always be number one, my bae, my top banana." I looked around. "Speaking of bananas, can someone call Harry and tell him he's coming with us?"
Just then, Niall showed up and I told everyone to make preparations for our departure. Well, everyone except Liam and Veronica, who were already skrogging in the limo.
"Oh, my gosh!" I yelled. "At least close the damn windows!"
Then I took Niall's arm and led him to my bedroom where we made passionate love into the night. Early in the morning, I found out I was pregnant with his vampire baby. I wasn't sure how Louis would take the news, but when he found out that Niall was undead, he had a long discussion with him about how he might rejoin Katie in the great beyond. Niall assured him it could be done, but it would be a long process, so Louis was definitely coming along for the ride.
As we were piling into the limo to pursue our grand adventure, Richard showed up and said he just wanted to talk. He seemed to have lost his ability to understand simple words like STAY AWAY FROM ME OR I WILL PUT A VICIOUS CURSE ON YOU AND YOUR OFFSPRING FOR ALL GENERATIONS TO COME! (I have to thank my mother for teaching me that curse. Some day it will really come in handy.)
Zayn stepped out of the limo, saying, "Fuck this shit!" He launched an attack on Richard, and Chuck Norris showed up just in time, along with the cast of Kickin' It. Since the guys pretty much had things under control, I pulled Olivia Holt aside and we shot the breeze. It had been far too long since we'd seen each other.
Richard was unconscious within a matter of seconds, and the guys tied him up and strapped him to the roof of the limo.
We thanked Chuck for his assistance, and then we embarked on our journey.
We took my private jet to the Cliffs of Moher (aka, The Cliffs of Insanity) in Ireland. We stopped at the first awe-inspiring cliff we came to and the guys untied Richard. Then Zayn did the honors of shoving him off the edge, where he fell into the blades of a helicopter.
The End
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Oh, and by the way, Happy April Fool's Day! ;)
As for the gif, some of the pics are captioned for the story, others are just fun pics that I included for laughs. And of course, Harry with a cheesehead! The man speaks my language - I'm a fellow Packer fan, born in Green Bay so I bleed green and gold!
And let me just say, YOU ALL ROCK!