YEARS LATER
I woke up from another vivid dream again - it felt surreal, beads of sweat littered all over my body and I was gasping hard. Lately, I kept having these vivid dreams and each time, it gets closer to feeling like reality; more vivid than it is. Vivid dreams of him, of him making love to me, of that same day when he left me.
I shouldn't have! I shouldn't have been dreaming of these anymore. After all these years, I've tried to forget about him. I suppressed all the memories I had of him, burying them deep to somewhere unknown just like how he simply buried his love for me.
I gritted my teeth at the image of him popping out of my head.
I hate him.
I did everything to be loved by him, I loved him and yet he ended up hurting me. People say it's not love without pain yet, how come we hurt the people that love us? Was it fair? No, it wasn't. And I hate him for being unfair. I was always under him, always in the palm of his hands but no, I won't be...I don't want to be under anyone's control anymore - I'm so done with getting my heart broken by the people who doesn't even deserve me.
I heard a gentle knock on the door cutting me out of my train of thoughts. "Appa, are you awake?"
His miniscule and lithe body entering and slipping past the door frame, revealing a spitting image of him right in front of my eyes – despite that, this little boy in front of me became my anchor after all those years without him, after all those years he left me broken and weeping over the love that had lost.
No matter how much this boy reminded me of the man who broke my heart, I still couldn't feel angry over my own son, over my own flesh and blood, I love him.
He helped me gain my life back in order again; it was hard to establish a pace, establish everything for the both of us alone – it was definitely hard as the struggle almost made me want to give up.
But his smiles, his innocence and his adorableness, everything about my son – inspired me to do my best for the both of us. He's my angel and my number one priority, without him my life would be nothing and not as happy as it is now.
"Baby, come here, don't worry appa's already awake." I cajoled him because even though he slipped past the door, he remained standing while looking at me with those tiny squinted eyes and never made a move forward to my bed.
He smiled delightfully, that familiar smile that reached his eyes and made them non-existent, that kind of smile that mimicked his other father's; that signature smile that made me fell madly in love.
"Appa! Appa!" He ran towards me and jumped right exactly in my lap, "Are we going now? I'm too excited appa!"
I couldn't help but chuckle at his eagerness, it was my day-off today and I was going to claim my salary at the coffee shop I'm working at. Thus, I promised my baby boy we were going to go out once I claimed my salary and it was kind of a ritual that we both had. I always treat him whenever I've claimed my salary, yet this time I promised him we were going to the river and take a walk around the place.
"Jikook-ah," I raised my finger at him, making him stop squirming under my hold. "Appa will get dressed first, then you and then we're out and about. Okay?"
My son nodded his head submissively and settled beside me. I didn't take any moment and started refreshing myself first with a bath and then dressing myself casually for comfort.
I got Jikook to take a half-bath but he didn't want to wet his hair this early, and said the water was too cold. I just laughed, oh this boy and his reasons. We both got dressed into our fresh clothes, and I had to grab my bag - a back pack that should contain some basic necessities. It was a must, especially if we're going to have a long time outside. It contained towels, sanitizer, water, a change of clothes and etc.
"Jikook, c'mon," I offered my hand and he took it, raising his with all his might just to reach mine. I chuckled then lowered my hand so he could take it easily, as we both strolled outside of the apartment we were renting.
Yes I named him Jikook, I don't exactly know why. But somehow, I felt a little remorse over the guy who broke my heart without even looking back, the guy who left me and his unborn son without even having the decency to check how I was after that dreaded day or even just for the past few years. Yes, I felt guilty in some way because he'll never become a father to a son he'll never know, and the least I could do – the least I could do as what seemed like a consolation, was giving a name with a hint of him – a name that somehow was part of him, and thus, Jikook.
It was both of our names together, cheesy, I know.
But he was the one who coined that.
It was on our third month of dating. We were silently watching the stars outside, under the moonlight that shone brightly against our skin. And as we gazed at each other with great fondness, he smiled that reached his eyes and my heart wanted to leapt out of my chest at the sigh of him so ethereal, like he was someone that didn't belong here because his beauty was unworldly. He took my fingers to his hand, my fingers taking the spaces in between his hands and suddenly I was not an endless gap anymore as I have found my greatest companion and here we were intertwining our fingers. The night flew with us whispering sweet nothings and spending our youth talking about our future that was undecided, that was not definite. Yet, we somehow establish something resolute during that moment, how we were too perfect; it was almost unbelievable. How we were being ourselves, and how we were called Jikook - it was the trend he reasoned out, the trend that people joining syllables of their names together to create a ship name, I laughed. Though, I find the idea incredulous, I couldn't help but feel my heart fluttering at the little idea he came up with.
He was too sweet and too perfect for me.
And maybe that's why.
He was too perfect; that he wasn't real anymore. That he was too perfect and maybe I don't deserve him and that we weren't exactly made for each other as how we thought and ought to believe but at least, the brief history of us, the brief moment of us, turned to something I could cherish forever.
Our son,
our beautiful son.
And I would never ever trade him away, I would never even turn back time no matter how many heart aches I could've save myself from, my son was the sweetest fruit out of that bitter ending and heart-wrenching separation.
"Appa, will you buy me a cotton candy today?" He suddenly asked; we were meters away from the coffee shop. Really, the coffee shop was a blessing for the both of us. It was near the apartment we were renting, and it provides me enough for our daily needs. It was sufficient for our needs, but I take on some on-call jobs when needed especially now that Jikook's growing up and will need money to enter primary school.
From all the part-time jobs I took before, I gained friends and these friends talk to me when they needed an extra or helping hand. But as of now, being a barista/cashier was enough for me. It gives me more time with my son and was literally efficient in all aspect.
"Is that all you want, baby boy?"
He cocked his head; contemplating what answer should he give me. But he just smiled and nodded his head, "Yep."
"Then, I will. Don't worry, baby. Appa will buy you other more if you see other things that you like, just ask."
Jikook just nodded his head, and pulled me closer as we were literally near the coffee shop's entrance. He's too excited.
We both entered the shop, the familiar aroma of brewed coffee and fresh pastries hitting my nostrils, it felt comforting at the sense. The heavy lift of the past, suddenly becoming lighter and it made me wonder; why am I dreaming and thinking about him lately?
When I'm never going to see him anyway, we were just another case of two souls meeting but not destined. I released a sigh and indulge myself at the aroma enveloping this establishment.
"Jungkook!" A voice called me out, and I knew who it was. I definitely knew that voice.
"Jin-hyung!"
My manager was here already, and he was in a good mood today; seems like the weather really has that effect on people because the sun was shining brightly if I must comment. "Come here! Let's go inside."
"Baby, stay here okay, appa will just talk to Jin-hyung," I bent down and met my little boy's wandering gaze. He was gazing around the coffee shop, at that note – the coffee shop was busier than usual. Maybe that's why Jin-hyung was in a good mood, oh well thank god it was my day-off today if not, I'll be running around the area brewing cups and cups of coffee or mixing drinks here and there.
Jikook nodded, "I'll stay here, appa."
I smiled and ruffled his hair before giving him one last glance. I asked Dean, the barista tasked for today, to watch out for my son. He nodded at me and continued wiping the counter from spilt coffee.
I entered the room and Jin-hyung sat on his chair. He rumbled over the small compartment beneath his desk and releases a sigh of relief when he pulled out a piece of white envelope, "Here's your salary, Jungkookie,"
"Thank you, hyung."
"Are you going out with your son today?"
"Yep, that's why he's kind of in a hurry."
"Oh I see, I see. That's why, oh well, you can go ahead then. Today's a very hectic day for the café."
"I couldn't help but notice that too, hyung. Why is that?"
"Today, the major model of the café is going here as a promotion for the café and for their newly released album. Isn't that great, Jungkook?! More customers! And I'm also a fan of this male group."
"Oh a group," I asked and nodded my head off. So that's why the café is busy today. "Oh well, hyung, thanks again! I'll go first,"'
I dashed right out of Jin-hyung's office, and suddenly there's a swarm of customers. A lot we're lining up already and there were still people outside, everything's gone crowded. There were already a lot of customers earlier but it became crowded even more, the air was polluted with noises of never-ending mouths conversing, screaming and cheers. Wow, did the group already come?
I became alerted though. I have to get my son out of here before everything gets chaotic. I quickly gazed at the same spot where I left my son only to meet by new people who're taking a seat on the said spot. Where is he?
Shit.
I took a look at Dean but he was too busy, at least trying to do two things at once, mixing drinks and taking orders. He had aide though, because Dean wasn't the only barista around but he was the barista in charge for cashier as well. I guessed I'll have to search around, being unable to ask Dean. He may not have gone far; he may have just looked around. Right, no need to stress yourself out, Jungkook.
I walked around the café, being bumped again by customers, mostly teenage girls, wow. Okay, I wanted to help Dean and the others on serving up but today was me and my son's day. I don't want to ruin a promise. Now, I just have to find Jikook.
"Jikook-ah! Appa's here," I called out, frantically switching my gaze from left to right and vice versa. It was getting tighter in the establishment, as seconds pass by and I'm now getting worried because at the current state, there's a tendency of a stampede.
"Shit, Jikook-ah! Where are you?"
I confided with the other customers, "Have you seen a young child? About this tall," I gestured how tall my son was, "He's black-haired and have small eyes,"
"I'm sorry, we haven't."
Shit! Where are you Jikook-ah? Appa's really getting worried.
- (change of pov: narrator)
Jikook was gaping at what was happening outside; teenagers were screaming 'Oppa' and other words he couldn't muster or understand. His eyes were scrutinizing his environment, the small eyes disappearing and appearing like a thin line curved upward.
Let's say curiosity killed the cat, on this situation, kid. Though, Jikook was the obedient type of child, he just wanted to get a closer look but he remained inside and gaze over the glass walls of the establishment.
But due to the fact that everyone was pushing around, the moment the door opened to accommodate more customers; he got pushed around making him stumble outside and making him on the ground in front of the café's entrance. He whined feeling the pain of abrasions in his knees and palms from the rough stone pavement.
He couldn't help but cry more as he saw droplets of blood coming from his abrasions, "Appa!" He cried out his fears, he wanted his appa beside him already but he was lost. He didn't know which way to go and which way to look with all these people around.
A man took notice of Jikook crying over his wounds and halted on his tracks. He didn't hesitate approaching the child thus quickly tending to the boy.
He bent down closer to his sitting height and pulled down his black framed glasses when he's just a step away and got a closer look of the child. "Shhh, shhh, stop crying, little boy. We need to get those treated, wait," He opened his arms and picked Jikook up, carrying the crying boy in his arms as they both went to an isolated place. They were meters away from the coffee shop, settling near side the available seats that offered a magnificent view over the glistening river under the daylight.
"Manager-nim, I'm here near the river. There are no people around here; they're all at the café." The raven-haired man called their manager, asking him to bring the first aid kit on their van. He looked at Jikook, "Stop crying, little boy. We're going to get your wounds treated,"
"But...I want my appa! Bring me back to my appa! Appa!"
"Shhh, I know, I know. We'll get back there but right now, we need to get your treated then we go back to find your appa. Is that okay?"
"Appa..."
"Come on, kid," He bent down, smiling achingly familiar and losing his eyes at the process. "Do you want me to sing a song?"
The proximity had Jikook in awe because it gave him a closer look at the man's facial features.
So pwetty, Jikook inwardly thought. But appa said it should be handsome for guys.
"Nae pi ttam nunmeul," The man started singing, his gaze turning serious and his voice suddenly blending with the harmonious balance of the environment and suddenly everything was so captivating. "da gajyeoga ga,"
Jikook halted, staring at the man in front of him in unwavering awe. He was wearing glasses, a beanie, leather jacket and tattered black jeans. He was definitely in love with the color black, yet, the dark color complemented his porcelain white skin, and it looked good on him, definitely good.
The man continued singing, and when Jikook slowly became relaxed around him, he knew it was time to stop or else he'll gain the attention of people, that is, if there are actually people around.
"Wow! Hyung, you're so good!" Jikook finally broke into a smile and suddenly it felt like the man was looking in front of a mirror, and like everything was – so sudden, it was the only word that could describe what was happening at the moment. All too sudden, he felt his blood rushing to his veins, pumping more blood than ever as he felt the achingly familiar bond with this child. He recognized it as something what you feel when you look at someone's aegyo, and it just hits you hard enough.
Right, it's aegyo. This child is so full of it, even his little speech, even unintentional, are so full of them. He ruffled the child's hair as he saw the approaching van.
His manager arrived but just dropped off the kit, rushing towards the café where his other group members are.
"Thank you, hyung," Jikook smiled again, and the man felt a tug in his heart.
"Now that I've done everything and saved you, what's your name? You haven't introduce yourself to me,"
"Oh! Right! Sowee," The little boy bowed his head and then breathed a lungful of air before opening his mouth to introduce himself, "Annyeong ha shimnikka che irumun Jikook-imnida," He offered his hand.
"Uh, Jikook, you say-" The man smiled as he took Jikook's small hand over his, the feeling of skin on skin somewhat hits home.
"Jikook!"
They both turned around to see the source of the voice, and the moment that they turned around felt like the world revolving slower than its usual pace.
It was like an explosion of colors yet, the colors tend to be vague, it's not the brightest colors of the rainbow that gave life to the scene in front of him but the colors behind the rainbow; the color of the blue sky and the turquoise ocean, containing a sense of emptiness and loneliness that had been triggered by the spur of the moment and gave emphasis to the beautifully pieced yet tragic scenery. It brought out thundering emotions that ought to be felt – and amidst all of those was him.
Him standing beside his son, like it was fate trying to pull some strings and toying with him. He couldn't help but feel the animosity at everything, because if life was trying to pull the biggest joke on him – then life was being successful. The animosity driving him to run after his son and pulling his hand away from the stranger in front, he looked at him with hostile gaze; like everything in this man in front of him drew hate out of his body that he thought he was very incapable of.
Jungkook was infuriated, agitated, exasperated – every word that described the word anger balled into one and shove inside Jungkook. That was what he was feeling right now as he stared at this man in front of him, his hand was itching with malevolence.
He wanted to hurt this guy.
"Appa!"
Not now, Jikook. Jungkook wanted to say but he just held his son's hand dearly, moving a step forward and hiding his son behind him, trying to protect him from all the possible pain this man might cause his son because he had learned his lesson – people might've warned you about the monsters that could hurt you, but they didn't warn you about the raven haired with two eyes and a heartbeat that would break your heart.
He gripped his son's hand tighter, his fatherly instinct dominating his whole body.
"J-Jungkook." The man stuttered, looking at him with wide eyes in his frozen frame.
"Jimin." He uttered his name with such disgust like it was the vilest thing that came out of his mouth.
And before Jimin could speak another word, Jungkook had slapped him.
• • •