Rosie sat on her stool at the pizzeria, glancing around the small restaurant and nervously fidgeting as she waited for Lisa. The dark-haired girl had been long gone by the time she’d woken up that morning and she’d spent the day somewhere between over the moon as she thought over their new ‘first date’ the night before and nervous over what was to come in their future, together.
The date had gone pretty well if she said so herself. She smiled a little, thinking about how incredibly sweet and playful Lisa had been, going out of her way to make it feel like a real first date for Rosie. She was so lucky that with the situation she was in, it was Lisa that was by her side. That Lisa was so amazingly patient and respectful. And that she clearly was just as determined as Rosie to try and make this work.
If not more so…
She’d laid in bed the night before, thinking over how she wanted to repay the other girl, not only for all she’d done but just for being Lisa. She’d been putting up with this whole amnesia debacle for a month now and Rosie had to wonder if she would be able to do the same if their roles were switched. She’d like to think she could handle it and that she’d stick by Lisa’s side, but at the same time, it was such a monumentous obstacle to scale. Sure, she was stubborn and liked a challenge. But what Lisa was doing for her, for them… well, she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to give back for all that the dark-haired girl had sacrificed. She wanted to try though and what better way than to start by doing something that Lisa would love. The idea of the art museum had come to her as they ridden up in the elevator the night before. She’d only been there once, that she remembered, for an article she’d been working on for the University of Chicago Times. Art hadn’t exactly been her forte at the time but she was still new to the staff and eager to sink her teeth into whatever she could get her hands on. She remembered it being a rather impressive collection and thought perhaps it might provide another way for her and Lisa to connect if they spent the day there, together.
However, there was another dilemma plaguing her. She didn’t want to wait another three days for a second date, especially when they’d still be seeing each other every day considering their living arrangements. But that was something she figured she could easily remedy and between putting the finishing touches on one of her articles and returning emails, she’d texted Lisa, around noon, asking if the dark-haired girl might want to grab a bite with her after she was done for the day. It took her about a dozen rough drafts, her thumbs furiously typing and then deleting over and over, but she was pretty pleased with the final result.
Super casual, Park. Way to go, she thought with a proud little smile. After all, if they were starting over, this was a clean slate and a whole new realm to prove just how nerdy and awkward she really was.
Rosie (12:02PM): Hey, so, I just wondered if you’d be interested in having dinner with me tonight? Not a big deal or anything. I just figured I have to eat. And you have to eat. And why not eat together? It was fun last night so just let me know. I’ll be here. All day. By myself. While you’re there.
She had waited for hours, desperately trying not to read into the silence, before she’d finally gotten a response, and it had instantly brought a smile to her face and butterflies to her stomach.
Lisa (3:42PM): Sorry, this has literally been the shoot from hell. But I should be done around six and I’d love to have dinner with you. What did you have in mind?
Rosie (3:43PM): No worries. Just glad you aren’t ignoring me on purpose. How about the pizza place around the corner from our house? I can meet you there at like 6:30?
Lisa (3:45PM): Why on earth would I ignore a cute girl like you, Park? I’ll see you then.
She tried not to blush. She really did. Or at least she put up a valiant effort.
Such a flirt. Did she flirt with me like this when we first started dating? No wonder I was always a stuttering wreck.
Rosie (3:45PM): Great! It’s a date then! Our second date. But not what I was planning for us. I’m still holding you to a full day this weekend.
Rosie had unconsciously found herself smiling for the rest of the day as she went back to work, thinking over just how much Lisa’s flirting affected her in the best ways. Well, not just her flirting. She’d found that pretty much everything about Lisa made her tingle with anticipation.
Now, a few hours later, shifting in her seat at the restaurant, she glanced down at her phone, noting it was 6:45 and that she hadn’t heard from Lisa any further for the rest of the day. She picked the device up, contemplating calling when the hightop table beneath her shook and someone sat down across from her.
“Sorry I’m late, cutie. Seriously, worst shoot ever.” Rosie smiled and watched as Lisa sat her messenger bag down in one of the other spare chairs and shucked her leather jacket, revealing a tight, low cut v-neck that had Rosie sucking in a deep breath.
Yep, definitely tingly.
“It’s fine,” she said, her voice a little higher than normal. She coughed once and blinked hard, trying to act like a normal human being instead of a drooling idiot. “Although I was beginning to think I’d been stood up.”
“Now why in the world would I stand up a pretty girl like you?” Lisa leaned forward onto the table, smirking softly.
How in the world did I ever keep up with her? I was a million times more awkward at nineteen than I am now!!!
Rosie simply shook her head and smiled back, tentatively reaching for Lisa’s hand, realizing that while she may not be able to tease Lisa as easily as the other girl could tease her, she could still show her that she was interested.
And Lisa had been right about what she’d said the night before about the touching. They were definitely ahead of the game there. But dammit, it felt so good to hold Lisa’s hand. It felt so good to be able to reach out to her without worrying about leading the other girl on, without the intense pressure. Unconsciously she linked their fingers as their server stopped by with the waters she’d already requested and to let them know that their food would be out soon.
“I went ahead and ordered. I hope that’s okay?”
“Perfectly fine, Chaeng, thank you. I’m fucking starving. I only had time for a coffee and a Red Bull today.”
She watched as Lisa battled one-handed with her straw wrapper for a moment, her face a mask of intense concentration, refusing to relinquish her other hand from Rosie’s, before finally giving up, tossing the straw aside, and taking a gulp from the glass in front of her. Rosie just giggled, squeezing Lisa’s hand once more, smiling softly at the dark-haired girl who didn’t seem to notice her merriment.
“So, how was your day? What kind of trouble did you get into?”
“Why do you seem to think that I’m always looking for trouble?”
“I wouldn’t say you specifically go looking for it but it always seems to have a way of finding you,” Lisa said with a smirk. Rosie felt the dark-haired girls thumb moving back and forth across her knuckles and she smiled at the soft, comforting sensation.
She did that last night too. I wonder...
“Well it didn’t today,” Rosie said with a victorious smile. “And my day was good. I sent over my first draft to The Independent.”
“Oh yeah? When do I get to read it?”
“Do you normally read my stuff before it’s printed?”
“Oh, um… well, sometimes.” Lisa shrugged, taking another sip from her water glass, suddenly seeming a little unsettled. “I mean, I used to. But if for some reason I didn’t get the chance because it was a quick submission or we were busy, I just waited until after it was published.”
“You actually read all my articles?” Rosie asked, surprised.
“Well, yeah. Like I said, I used to. I mean, I read pretty much anything and everything you wrote, article or not.” Rosie felt something warm fill her chest at the thought of how incredible that was and wondered why it hadn’t occurred to her to ask about this sooner.
“Lisa, that’s… I’m not sure what to say.”
“It’s not a big deal, Rosie. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked when I get to read it. I just… old habits.” She felt Lisa’s thumb stop and watched the other girl shrink in on herself a little. “I um… I’m happy you got it to them and I hope they like it. Maybe, if they publish it, and if it’s alright with you, then I can read it?”
Goddamnit, why do I keep messing this up?
“Lisa, no, I wasn’t… that’s really sweet. I was just surprised that you’d want to read it. I guess… I guess I hadn’t thought about that before. That maybe you read my stuff. That you followed my career.”
To Rosie’s horror and confusion, Lisa suddenly pulled her hand away, leaning back in her chair and away from the table. She opened her mouth to apologize but stopped when she saw their server placing the large extra cheese pizza she’d requested on the table in front of them. She watched Lisa thank the young girl and then carefully proceed to dish each of them a slice from the steaming pie in between them, her gaze still refusing to meet Rosie’s.
And then it was silent. And it was so unbelievably uncomfortable. Rosie stared, seeing the normal cavalier and confident girl across from her was gone and in her place was a sight that made her ache. Lisa, she’d discovered, was very good at pretending like everything was fine. But she’d discovered, those intense dark eyes were usually a dead giveaway that something was wrong. And while she might not have been able to pinpoint exactly what the other girl was feeling the way she used to, she at least was able to recognize the signs. And right now, things were most definitely not alright.
How do I salvage this? How do I fix it?
“So um… in that case, do I, or did I, look at all the pictures you took?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Lisa said with a shrug, looking nonchalantly around the room.
“Well, that’s nice. I mean, it’s nice that we were so supportive of each other. It… it would be nice if we kept doing that, right?”
“Rosie, it’s okay, we don’t have to… I mean, starting fresh right? We both agreed.”
“Lisa, no! Yes, we said we were going to try to start this new but I don’t want to lose all the good stuff that we had. And… we apparently had a lot of really great stuff between us.” She watched the older girl finally look up at her, a hint of something else in those sad eyes. “And I might just… need a reminder of all that great stuff.”
Nervously, she reached out once again, leaving her good hand near the middle of the table, praying Lisa would take it.
Please, Lisa, please…
She waited a long beat, staring into Lisa’s eyes, and smiled softly when she felt the other girl finally reach up and squeeze at her fingers.
“You okay? I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just surprised, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I’m fine, I just…” Lisa trailed off for a moment, sighing heavily and sinking lower into onto her stool. “I’m sorry. It’s just… this is hard. And I knew it was going to be hard and I’m okay with that. I just don’t want to fuck it up, Rosie.”
“Lisa, you are not… you are not fucking anything up. And, well, neither am I.”
Rosie sighed, knowing damn well she was just as guilty of that worry as Lisa was. If they were going to get through this and make this work, they had to stop worrying about taking a wrong step or saying the wrong thing. Sure, they were both going to make mistakes but that happened in every relationship, new or old. It was inevitable and if they kept letting the fear overtake them, they’d never get anywhere.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel bad but… Lisa, just because we’re trying to ‘start over’, that doesn’t mean that we have to lose all that we had. And you’re right, it is hard. But we both knew it was going to be. Just… just please don’t shut down on me, okay? Talk to me. I don’t remember the things we used to do for each other but tell me about them. All that good… that shouldn’t be lost just because we’re trying this now. It can still be a part of our relationship. I want it to be a part of our relationship.”
She watched as Lisa simply nodded and much to her relief, didn’t let go of her hand. It was a small victory, but she’d take it.
“So, you’ll keep reading my stuff and I’ll keep looking at yours, and it’ll be good. I like that idea and…” Rosie trailed off, smiling softly at the thought. “You know, I guess I’m also kind of lucky you like to document everything. I’ve been taking advantage of any photo album I’ve come across over the last few days.”
“Oh?”
“I found two more in the closet today and… crap, I’m not like snooping around in your stuff am I?”
“Not even close, Rosie,” Lisa said, chuckling softly. “It’s your house too. You aren’t snooping.”
“But… if there’s somewhere I shouldn’t be looking, please tell me. I don’t want to like invade your personal space or anything.”
“You aren’t.” Lisa reached out for Rosie’s other hand, carefully holding it and frowning for a moment. “I’ll be so glad when this damn cast is gone.”
“You and me both,” Rosie said with a huff, making Lisa laugh again.
“Look, Chaeyoung-ah, you are welcome to look anywhere you want in our home, okay? It’s your home just as much as it’s mine and I have nothing to hide from you. So don’t feel bad or worry about coming across something I don’t want you to see because… well, I really don’t have anything that falls into that category, to be honest.”
“Okay. Well, I think one of the pictures I saw today was probably not long after… after we said I love you. When you told me about it last night, I obviously didn’t remember being with you that night but I do remember that storm. It was terrible and most of Chicago was totally shut down for days. And today, I found a picture from around that time, I think. It was Jisoo in a head to toe puffy snowsuit,” she said with a laugh. “With puffy boots. Like full on Randy from Christmas Story snowsuit. I laughed for like half an hour after I found the picture. They looked like such a dork that I just couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah, that storm was pretty crazy. But you had everyone out sledding the next day and Jisoo ended up plowing into a tree in full head to toe puffy snowsuit. Jennie was a hot mess but Jisoo ended up being fine. I think they just bit their tongue but no other major damage.”
“That’s right, I remember that! I mean, I remember… Jennie like hurdled the snow down the hill with her first aid kit, because of course, she brought a first aid kit with her, to get to them and make sure they were okay. And Ryujin came out. And Tzuyu.”
“And Eunwoo was the one that got us all the sleds to use,” Lisa added. “He kept trying to go down the hill standing on one of them like it was a snowboard and failing miserably.”
“I don’t remember that part but I do remember him being there. But…” She looked down at the hand Lisa was still holding and frowned.
Goddamnit, why can I remember all of that but not her, she thought glancing up at an amused Lisa.
“Rosie, stop. I know you don’t remember me being there but, well we’ve kind of already discovered that you remember places and times that I was around for. Like Jennie’s dinner party for Jisoo’s birthday that year. You just… kind of have a blinder over my face.”
“Well that’s a really stupid place to put it,” she pouted.
“Come on, cutie. I mean, this can still be a good thing. Maybe you don’t remember me being there but since we both remember the great sledding fiasco of yore, at least we have some of the same memories, right?” She felt the dark-haired girl squeeze her hand reassuringly once before letting go and taking a huge bite from the slice in front of her, her appetite clearly getting the better of her.
“I guess,” she said with a shrug before smiling as she thought more about that day. “I remember Jennie fussing over Jisoo after the tree. And I do remember Ryujin and Eunwoo kept trying to race down the hill. And I remember Tzuyu being incredibly grumpy the whole day for some reason.”
“Yeah, um… you were kind of super happy and gloating a bit,” Lisa said her mouth half full as Rosie looked at her curiously. “You were still riding the I love you high. We kind of both were and it pissed her off. It was… oh, it was so much fun.”
She tried to fight the smile she felt tugging at the corners of her mouth and shook her head as Lisa smugly shrugged and took another bite.
“Well, I guess you have a valid point. Even if they vary slightly, we still have some of the same memories and… that actually makes me kind of happy.”
“I’m glad, Chaeng.”
“I wonder… I wonder what other stuff we both remember?”
“Well, I’m sure as more time goes by, we’ll figure that out. I mean, it’s probably more likely that you’ll remember things where other people were there. So far, most of what I’ve told you has just mainly been you and me. Maybe one or two of the gingers. But it seems like maybe the more people that are there, the more likely you are to remember it?”
“Maybe that’s because if it’s not just you, then… well maybe…” Rosie trailed off, deep in thought for the moment, going over the things Lisa and her friends had told her over the past month, and cataloging what she already knew on her own. “Maybe that’s part of it but maybe it’s more like what I was focused on.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, yeah if something happened that was just me and you, obviously I have no recollection of it. But I also don’t remember things where you were like, center stage. Like that fight, I had with my friends when we first started seeing each other! Or like the night of the carnival, when everyone was there, but I don’t remember it because I was so nervous to be around you! “
“Huh, interesting. So if I’m your main focus at the time, it’s gone but if there were other things for you to pay attention to or worry about, then you might remember?”
“It kind of makes sense, doesn’t it?” She smiled softly, unable to help herself. This wasn’t necessarily ‘good news’ but if this was really the pattern as to what she could and couldn’t remember, it might help them. “What do you think?”
“I think you’re too smart for your own good, Chaeng.” Lisa simply smiled back at her but her eyes danced just a touch as their gazes met. “That’s actually pretty fucking brilliant.”
***
She pulled off her jacket, kicking off her shoes at the same time and watched Lisa close and lock the door behind them. The dark haired girl turned to her, reaching out to take Rosie’s coat from her and putting it away next to her own before turning back, shoving her hands into her back pockets and rocking back on her heels.
“So, now what do we do?” Rosie asked, smiling softly.
“I guess we’ve come to see one of the fallbacks of dating a roommate.” Lisa chuckled, running a hand through her hair with a shrug.
“Movie?”
“Sure, cutie, you can pick.”
She nodded and made her way into the living room, taking a seat on the couch and smiling when she felt Lisa sit close enough that she could feel her warmth through her clothes. She opened her mouth but stopped short when she heard her phone chiming from her back pocket. Pulling it out, she sighed when she saw the screen filled with texts, many with numerous questions marks.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, just… my friends.” Silencing the device, she tossed it onto the table in front of her and sat back, in no hurry to answer their incessant questions.
“Are they bugging the crap out of you, wanting to know what’s going on?”
“Ugh, yes!” Rosie smiled when Lisa laughed heartily, loving the sound. “They won’t let up. And it’s partially… or mostly my fault. I mean, I was the one that brought them into this, but I told them that we needed to do this, just you and me. They just… they suck at listening.” Rosie giggled again, unable to do anything else.
“Well, they’re your friend's, Chaeng.”
“Yeah, well according to them, they care about you too.”
“Dammit.” Rosie couldn’t stop the laugh that erupted from her throat at that and relaxed further back onto the sofa, her shoulder and thigh now nestled against Lisa’s. She looked over, seeing the small smile on Lisa’s face and grinned harder.
“Guess that’s what you signed up for when you hopped on the Park train.” She giggled again at the severe eye roll Lisa shot her and shrugged. “No, but in all seriousness, I know they care about both of us. And I know they just want to make sure everything’s okay. That we’re okay. They’ve seen us together for the last seven years, so I guess it makes sense for them to worry.” She looked down at her hands in her lap for a moment, contemplating their odd little group and frowned slightly, a question that had been nagging at her bobbing to the surface. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything, cutie.”
“What happened with Tzuyu? Like, we’re all friends now-”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Lisa interrupted.
“But… everything’s better,” Rosie pressed on, undeterred. “She was actually really helpful during my freak-out about you and… us, the other day. She was… she was really like pro-Lisa. So… what happened with that because from what you’ve all told me, you guys used to fight like cats and dogs?” She looked up and watched Lisa’s face take on a darker appearance. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, it’s just…” Lisa trailed off for a moment, her eyes intense as she stared back at Rosie. “Do you really still want to hear about our past together? I mean, I know you said you didn’t want to lose the good stuff we had, but… do the actual stories really matter?”
“They absolutely matter and yes, I do still want to hear them. I mean, again, I know I may never get those memories back. But I still like hearing about us. I still like hearing about what we went through and how we got where we were. And I still have a lot of questions. Like I was wondering about the first time we said ‘I love you’ and now I know. And it kind of makes me happy. Plus, how else are we going to figure out what we both remember? I want whatever I can get Lisa and those stories… they’re important.”
“I guess but, Rosie, the whole Tzuyu situation isn’t a happy memory. I mean…” Lisa looked away, running a hand through her hair, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. Hesitantly, Rosie reached over, taking hold of her hand again and squeezing it gently.
“Hey, Lisa, if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. If it’s too much for you, I understand.” She interlocked their fingers as the dark-haired girl finally looked back at her. “I was only asking because… well, I’m curious, but I guess, I’ve been thinking about what you’ve told me. About us at the beginning and… I’m kind of ashamed of myself. For how I acted all those years ago. I was kind of hoping I redeemed myself at some point and maybe earned some good girlfriend points. And you’d said I was the one that eventually put Tzuyu in her place.”
“Cutie, you were an amazing girlfriend. I know the stuff you’ve heard hasn’t painted the most flattering picture. And, yes, there were some rough times. But I don’t want you to feel bad about something that happened so long ago. Something that you’d be none the wiser of if I hadn’t told you about it.”
“I needed to hear it, Lisa.”
“Fine, I just…” Lisa sighed, staring down at their intertwined fingers. “This is definitely going to put a damper on our second date.”
“Well, then I officially declare the date over,” Rosie said, attempting to lighten the mood a tad, smiling gently and placing her casted hand over their folded fingers, sandwiching Lisa’s hand between hers.
“Oh yeah? How was it?”
“Well, you were there!” Lisa just chuckled and Rosie smiled at the sound. She felt the dark-haired girl sigh deeply and rub her thumb across her knuckles twice before reconnecting their eyes, her gaze serious.
***
Six Years and Eight Months Earlier
Jesus, what a hot mess, Lisa thought as she took a sip of the cheap beer from the plastic cup in her hand and surveyed the room. It was packed with bodies, loud music thumping through the speakers attached to the walls and even louder drunk college students yelling to one another throughout the crowd. The smell of stale beer mixed with sticky, sweet sodas and cheap vodka was inescapable and honestly, even with her bartending background, starting to make her a little sick to her stomach. This was definitely not a normal party for this house but she’d heard Nayeon had been in charge of planning so…
Well, maybe I’m not that surprised then.
She searched the faces crowding the room once more, looking for the one that had disappeared only five minutes earlier in search of another drink, but once again came up empty.
“Still no luck?”
She turned to her right, finding a curious looking Jisoo and a swaying Jennie standing there, both holding their own cups filled with something neon orange and fizzy. She cringed, really hoping they’d made it themselves and not taken it from one of the incompetent ‘bartenders’ the Summers had hired for the party.
Sighing she just shook her head and went back to searching through the sea of faces. They’d only been at the party for about an hour but she’d been ready to go as soon as they’d walked in. The idea of spending the night with a bunch of drunk idiots when she wasn’t getting paid wasn’t her first choice but Rosie had begged her, reasoning that they’d tag along with Jisoo and Jennie, make a quick appearance and then leave and spend the rest of the night together, just the two of them. Lisa had attempted to argue against the plan but then Rosie had given her her best pleading eyes and she’d been a lost cause.
And now, the little buttertart is totally M.I.A.
“Do you want to go look for her?” Jisoo shouted as a particularly loud bass beat erupted from the speakers behind them. “I mean, I’m sure she’s fine but if you want, I can go try to find her. Or Jen and I can wait here while you go, in case she comes back.”
She turned and gave Jisoo a quick, thankful smile, noticing Jennie eagerly nodding behind them, the straw from her drink stuck to her bottom lip. The duo, while still somewhat annoying and terrible about remembering to knock on closed doors, had actually become increasingly kinder and more inclusive of her over the last month. She figured it had something to do with her finally admitting her feelings to Rosie. She knew the blonde had excitedly told anyone who would listen just how in love they were, much to her amusement, and she figured maybe she’d passed their little test and had been deemed worthy enough to be a part of Rosie’s life. Regardless, it was definitely easier to be around them and for that, she was grateful.
She was just about to agree to the offer and go off in search of Rosie when Jennie piped up excitedly, almost tipping over as she danced around with glee.
“Oh, there she is! In the middle with Tzuyu.” The minor slur of her words had Lisa guessing that the orange concoction had, unsurprisingly, already gotten the better of her but she couldn’t focus on that now. Turning, she caught sight of that giant Chou Tzuyu, eagerly talking to her girlfriend in the middle of the crowd. Rosie for her part, looked slightly uncomfortable and seemed to be trying to brush away whatever it was Tzuyu was so adamantly carrying on about, but unable to move due to the sea of bodies surrounding her.
Goddamnit.
Her face set in a menacing frown, she took a step forward only to feel Jisoo reach out and stop her by the elbow, their grip firm.
“Stay here, champ. I’ll go grab her. Can you make sure Jennie doesn’t fall over?” Lisa looked back over to see Tzuyu swaying ever so slightly as she pursed her lips around her straw and attempted to drink up as much as she could from the now almost empty cup. Feeling the hand leave her elbow, she turned and watched Jisoo muscle through the crowd as if they weren’t there to where Rosie stood, the blonde appearing relieved when Jisoo finally reached her. Intent on keeping her part of the bargain, Lisa stepped closer to Jennie, letting the wavy haired girl lean on her, watching intently as Jisoo quickly diffused whatever situation had been occurring and hauled Rosie back towards the safety of the corner they’d commandeered.
“You okay?” Lisa asked once they were in range.
Rosie simply nodded, a relieved smile crossing her face as she stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Lisa’s waist beneath her hooded leather jacket, burying her head in the dark-haired girl's neck.
Lisa stepped away as Jisoo took on Jennie’s weight and wrapped her own arms around Rosie’s back, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead, knowing something had transpired that she probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about.
“You sure? What happened?” she yelled over the music.
“Nothing,” Rosie mumbled, her lips brushing against Lisa’s ear. “Tzuyu’s just… she’s drunk. Which, I wasn’t expecting because she’s normally so by the book. But everything’s fine, really. She was just trying to convince me to go out back with her. And I told her I didn’t want to because I was here with you. She just… she just didn’t want to listen.” Lisa felt the soft kiss Rosie left at the juncture between her neck and shoulder and held the blonde closer, glaring in the direction of Tzuyu, who was at that moment walking out of the door across the room, none the wiser.
She comes near Rosie again, I’m gonna punch her in the fucking face, she thought, her blood boiling, jaw set.
***
She swore she wasn’t going to let Rosie out of her sight for the rest of the night and dammit if that plan didn’t fail spectacularly within the next hour. Rosie had left in search of the bathroom, adamant that Lisa didn’t need to come with her and that they’d leave as soon as she got back.
But she’d been gone for far too long. Lisa had checked both bathroom lines twice and had yet to find Rosie. Wandering around the party probably wasn’t the best plan but she was starting to worry. She’d just finished making another round, noticing Jisoo and Jennie in the middle of the dance floor, pulling some of the most awkward dance moves she’d ever seen, but still no Rosie. Turning towards the outside door, she stepped out onto the back patio, finding only a dozen or so people dotting the backyard, none of them the adorable blonde she was searching for.
“Goddamnit.”
“You looking for someone, Limario?”
She turned, taking in the barely visible form of Ryujin sitting by herself only a few feet away, apparently enjoying the refreshing chill of the early March night. She sighed in frustration and shrugged.
“I can’t find Rosie,” she said, taking a step towards the other girl. “Don’t suppose you’ve seen her out here?”
“Can’t say I have,” Ryujin said, taking a sip of her own drink and sitting forward in the wooden Adirondack chair she was occupying. “How long has she been missing?”
“I don’t know,” Lisa said with a shrug and a frustrated sigh. “Maybe like fifteen or twenty minutes. She said she was just going to the bathroom but I’ve checked both lines down here and nothing.”
“Check upstairs. I know we blocked it off but Rosie’s spent enough time here, she knows the house.”
“Yeah, okay. Um… thanks.” Lisa attempted a small grateful smile before turning, ready to go find her girlfriend.
“Hey.” Ryujin’s voice stopped her and she turned back, watching the other girl rise from her seat and step forward, her stance one of intimidation.
Ugh, fuck I do not have time for the whole Sporty Spice, badass routine.
She faced the other girl head-on, not in the mood for banter but also not willing to back down. After all, she’d perfected the whole ‘I don’t give a shit’ mood.
“I just wanted to say, for what it’s worth… you’re not so bad.”
What the fuck? Lisa frowned, completely caught off guard by the comment.
“Um, as opposed to what?” she snarled.
“I meant, when it comes to Park, you’re good for her… to her.” She watched as Ryujin looked away for a moment, apparently trying to pick her words carefully. Finally looking back, Lisa noted her face had softened ever so slightly in the faint light from the nearby hanging lanterns that littered the backyard. “I know I’m not as close to her as the other three are but, she’s still my friend and I care about her. I wasn’t sure about you initially because of what I’d heard. But I was wrong and… look I’m glad you guys got together and I’m glad you’re treating her right.”
“I wouldn’t treat her any other way,” Lisa said, her face completely serious.
“I know. And I also know that… well, look, I’m not saying Tzuyu is my favorite person. We kind of have that frenemy thing going on I guess. And I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad person. But what she’s doing… it’s not right and I don’t agree with it. If she really cared about Park, she’d let her be happy with you and not be pulling this underhanded shit of trying to steal your girl.”
What the double fuck? Lisa knew Tzuyu had feelings for Rosie. She’d known for months now. But she didn’t think Tzuyu would actually attempt to do anything more than bad mouth her in order to get Rosie to leave. What is she planning?
Balling her hands into fists at her sides and scowling, she nodded once, taking half a step before turning back.
“Well if you do see Rosie, can you tell her I’m looking for her?”
“Sure, Limario. Hopefully, you’ll find her first though. This party is insane.”
“Yeah, what the hell’s up with that? Your girlfriend went all out.”
“Yeji?” Ryujin chuckled and shook her head. “No, we’re over. Too much for me. But then again… you probably knew that.” She nodded at Lisa, raising a knowing eyebrow and sat back down.
Lisa chuckled, shaking her head, and walked back into the house, making a beeline for the staircase and taking the steps two at a time. Unsurprised to find a few stragglers upstairs, she pushed past them into the darkened hallway, looking and listening for any clue that would indicate Rosie was nearby. Noticing a small sliver of light coming from a cracked door at the end of the hallway, she slowly inched towards it, catching a familiar voice as she got close enough.
“Park…”
“Tzuyu, we can’t. Let’s just lay down on the bed and-”
“Rosie, come on.” Lisa stepped to the door, peering inside to see her girlfriend standing toe to toe with Tzuyu, Rosie’s hands on the taller girls hips. She practically growled when she saw Tzuyu reach out, brushing some of Rosie’s hair behind her ear and cupping her cheek, and felt the bile rising in her throat at the sight of Rosie staring up at the taller girl, slowly pushing her back towards what Lisa assumed was the bed in question. She watched as Tzuyu smiled what was she guessed was supposed to be seductively and let herself be pushed back out of Lisa’s line of sight, all the while, continuing to hold the blonde’s face in her hands.
That asshole.
Unable to see anything else, she listened, grinding her teeth as she heard the bedsprings distinctly squeak as it took on the unexpected weight of someone collapsing on top of it.
“Come here,” she heard Tzuyu slur and cringed when a half a second later she heard the same squeak as Rosie joined her on the bed. The muted sounds of sheets rustling were audible for a moment before the unmistakable sound of lips meeting met her ears, followed by a soft sigh.
You fucking idiot. You fell for it! You actually thought she cared about you? You actually thought she loved you? You stupid fucking asshole!
Ears ringing, Lisa swallowed hard and stepped back, almost tripping over her own feet as she attempted to find her footing.
Of course, this would happen. She’d fallen in love and now it was time for the mask to come off. Of course, Rosie didn’t want Lisa. Not when she could have Tzuyu, who she’d been head over heels for before Lisa had come into the picture. The fear of her girlfriend choosing that behemoth had been lodged so deeply in her heart from the beginning, but she’d stupidly shut the door on it a month ago when Rosie had proclaimed her love. She’d thought she’d won. She’d believed that Rosie was hers and she was Rosie’s and that was that. They could be happy and she wouldn’t lose the blonde to that giant jerk.
What a crock of shit! What a load of-
***
Present.
“Wait, hold on! No, that is not what happened! I remember that party and…” Rosie stopped herself, scooching closer to Lisa on the couch and desperately grabbing for her hands. “I would never do that you, Lisa. I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I wouldn’t cheat!”
“Chaeng, I know. I mean, I shouldn’t have eavesdropped-”
“Lisa! So not the point! I can’t… I can’t imagine hearing that and thinking…” She trailed off, feeling her own stomach start to turn queasy at the thought.
“Yeah, it wasn’t fun to hear. But I guess I was still kind of questioning just how much you actually cared about me. I mean, when you told me you loved me, I thought that was it. I believed you and I was so happy. But after I had time to digest it… I guess deep down, I didn’t think I was really worth it. I still didn’t think I deserved it. I thought… I thought you deserved better. More. And those doubts were sitting there that night when I overheard you guys.”
Rosie stared at the amazing woman next to her, hating how vulnerable she looked in that moment. Almost as if she was the same girl from all those years ago, still questioning whether or not she actually deserved Rosie’s love.
“Lisa.” She reached out with her good hand, placing it on Lisa’s knee just above where her jeans were ripped, squeezing gently. “You’re incredible. You deserve so much love and… my god, Lisa, I’m so sorry. I mean, I remember that party. I remember going with Jisoo and Jennie and I remember Tzuyu was beyond drunk. And I remember…” She trailed off, looking a little uncomfortable as she let herself drift back down memory lane.
It wasn’t the most pleasant evening, that was for sure. In fact, she hadn’t thought about it in years.
“Rosie-”
“No, Lisa, you know I didn’t sleep with her right? I mean-”
“No, Rosie, of course, I know that.”
She looked deep into Lisa’s eyes, searching for the truth. But deep within her dark orbs, she saw that young, hurt girl still there and felt her heart ache at the possibility that Lisa ever considered herself not worthy of Rosie’s, or anyone else's, love. Without another thought she leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Lisa’s neck and pulled her in, holding tight, trying to convey her comfort in some way other than words since they just didn’t seem to be enough. She felt Lisa’s own arms circling her middle, pulling her close, and thanked whoever was listening that Lisa hadn’t rejected the hug.
“I’m so sorry, Lisa.”
“Rosie, it’s okay.”
Lisa pulled back a little, moving her hands to cup Rosie’s cheeks and looking at her a little mystified. She felt the dark haired girl brush her thumb along her right cheek and she realized there were tears there. She bit her lip, attempting to stop the flow, unsure of when her eyes had even started watering and hating that she couldn’t hold it together for this moment when she should be the one comforting Lisa and not the other way around.
Dammit, pull it together! You need to do this, for her.
“Chaeng, you know you didn’t actually do anything wrong right?”
“I just… I hate thinking that you thought I… even if it was just that night. That I… and with Tzuyu! Even if it wasn’t true, I hate that I hurt you again!”
“Park, this time was different. It was just bad circumstances. You didn’t choose Tzuyu over me that night. You were legitimately trying to avoid her and get back to me so we could leave and go get ice cream but… well, she’s a mammoth and you lost,” Lisa chuckled, still wiping at Rosie’s tears.
“You were going to take me for ice cream?”
“Actually no, you were taking me. I said something about wanting something chocolatey and you kind of smiled all cute and curled into me in that way that you knew made me putty in your hands. And then you told me to wait where I was and to give you two minutes to run to the bathroom and then you’d take care of it.”
“Are you sure I meant ice cream?” Rosie hiccuped.
Lisa just chuckled and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen loose from Rosie’s ponytail behind her ear.
“Chaeng-ie, really, you didn’t do anything with Tzuyu, okay? I know that. And, in all honesty, you didn’t do anything wrong that night. I just heard something that didn’t sound too great but it was completely out of context. And my own insecurities kicked in and… well, it just kind of snowballed from there.”
“But you heard that and thought I-”
“Rosie, stop. I pushed the door open like two seconds later and I saw exactly what was happening.”
“Wha… Lisa, why didn’t you say that?!”
“Because you interrupted me, cutie,” she said with a chuckle.
“So… so you know what actually happened.”
“Yes, Rosie, I know. Or at least I know most of it. I obviously wasn’t there when you ran into her.”
“I haven’t thought about that night in a long time. I kind of wanted to forget about it. And there are pieces missing. I just… I thought I’d blocked them out because I didn’t want to think about it but maybe… maybe those pieces were you?”
“It’s very possible. What exactly do you remember?”
***
Six Years and Eight Months Earlier
She leaned across the sink, quickly drying her hands and checking her reflection in the mirror. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she nodded and opened the bathroom door, intent upon hurrying back downstairs where her friends were waiting. After all, she wasn’t even supposed to be up here. It had been blocked off for a reason and she really did feel guilty about sneaking into one of the upstairs bathrooms. But she was in a hurry. She was supposed to-
“Ooof!” Rounding the dark corner, she felt herself fall backward as she slammed into something large and solid. Reeling to keep her balance, she looked up, taking in the sight of a confused and incredibly inebriated Chou Tzuyu swaying back and forth, semi-covered with the contents of whatever had been in the plastic cup in her right hand.
“Damn, Park, you didn’t have to ruin my shirt. No need in getting me all wet.” The tall girl stared at her for a moment and then as if a light switch flicked on, laughed heartily at her own accidental double entendre.
Ugh, she didn’t have time for this.
“Sorry, Tzuyu, I didn’t mean to run into you. I was just trying to get back downstairs. I think we’re going to leave soon.”
“No, you can’t go. We’ve barely even talked all night and… I want to talk to you, Rosie.”
“It’s really not a good time, Tzuyu.”
“But I need to tell you something. It’s so important.” She felt Tzuyu’s free hand fall clumsily onto her shoulder, the sudden force pushing her smaller frame back half a step.
Alright, really should’ve stayed downstairs.
She looked up into Tzuyu’s glazed over eyes, shaking her head in frustration. What the hell was going on? Tzuyu never acted like this. She was the responsible one. The good one. But lately…
Rosie knew the taller girl had a crush on her. And maybe it was more than a crush. Over the last month or so, it seemed like everywhere she went, Tzuyu was there waiting for her, making sure she got home safely or to class on time. Any time she had free, Tzuyu was asking her to hang out or to go to the movies or to go for coffee. Rosie had even come home a few times now to see hot chocolate or fresh baked cookies sitting at her door, always with a tag addressed to her from the tall brunette. Honestly, it was starting to get a little uncomfortable. But not wanting to hurt the brunette’s feelings, she’d brushed it off, hoping that eventually Tzuyu would just get the hint and give up. Then they could just be friends again, which was something she honestly missed. After all, Tzuyu had been a great friend to her at one point.
Why can’t we just go back to that?
Tzuyu was great for hanging out and watching the TV shows that no one else liked. And Rosie always enjoyed when they met up for pie at Little Slice of Heaven on campus, enjoying listening to the horrible tales of needy first years who bugged the crap out of Tzuyu during the English Lit class she was TA-ing for. But that’s where Rosie had drawn the line. They were friends and that was it. No more, no less. Any stronger feelings she’d had for Tzuyu had long since evaporated. She supposed after pining after her for over a year without reciprocation, that was bound to happen. She still cared about Tzuyu, sure. And she didn’t want to not have the girl in her life. But all this pushiness was starting to grate her nerves.
She felt Tzuyu step closer, stumbling a little as she did so, and wrap her arm around Rosie’s shoulders, leaning heavily on her slight frame.
“I’m so glad you guys came tonight. You three are like my favorites,” she slurred, taking a final swig from the cup in her hand and tossing it aside without thought onto the hardwood floor. Apparently, she wasn’t on party cleanup duty the next day.
“We’re… glad we came too.” How in the hell do I get rid of her? I have to get back!
“You’re so pretty, Rosie. You’re like the prettiest girl ever.” She looked up, watching as Tzuyu attempted, unsuccessfully, to focus on her and rolled her eyes.
“Tzuyu, come on. I think you’ve had enough to drink. Let’s get you to bed.”
“Yeah! Let’s go to bed! We can watch Doctor Who and then we can eat pancakes in the morning! That’s such a good idea, Rosie!” She watched Tzuyu’s eyes grow wide, smiling excitedly down at her, and leaning even further onto Rosie’s shoulders.
“Um… yeah, sure.” Rosie realized she’d probably pretend to agree to anything if it meant she could get Tzuyu somewhere safe before she passed out.
She wrapped a steadying arm around her waist and shuffled them towards the room she knew the brunette shared with one of the younger pledges, the whole time Tzuyu slurring something unintelligible above her.
Finally reaching the bright blue door at the end of the hallway, she pushed it open and turned on the lights, attempting to wrestle the taller girl inside. They got about three steps in when Tzuyu turned slightly, falling off balance as she attempted, unsuccessfully, to kick the door closed behind them.
“Tzuyu, what in the hell are you doing?!” Rosie felt most of the brunette’s weight fall onto her, her knees buckling under the pressure, and she struggled to keep herself standing. She heard Tzuyu mumble something else as she finally righted them, finding herself now facing the other girl and a little too close for comfort. “Um… uh… maybe you should sit down, Tzuyu.”
“Wait just a second. I have to find my Doctor Who DVD’s and then we can watch it.”
“Tzuyu, how about we watch later, okay? For now, how about you get some sleep?”
“But…” She looked up, watching the taller girls face fall. She looked so sad and Rosie hated that a part of her actually felt guilty. But she was sure Jisoo and Jennie were waiting for her. And it would do no good to lead Tzuyu on. “Hey, Rosie?”
“What, Tzuyu?”
“I like you so much. Why aren’t we together? We’d be so perfect together and I know you like me too. You’ve liked me for so long now. Let’s just do it. Let’s be together.”
“You’ve had way too much to drink,” she said, shaking her head and attempting to push the taller girl towards her bed by her hips, realizing at this juncture in the evening, there was no point in trying to reason with a drunk person. Especially about a relationship that was never going to happen.
“Park…” She pushed harder but Tzuyu held her ground.
Okay, so maybe if she just placated the girl, she could get out of here and back downstairs to the party.
“Tzuyu, we can’t. Let’s just lay down on the bed and-”
“Rosie, come on.” She felt Tzuyu reach out, brushing some of the loose hair behind her ear and cupping her cheek.
Six months ago, she probably would’ve been swooning and knocked off her feet with a move like that from Tzuyu. But now… it just felt so clumsy and wrong. She looked up, seeing Tzuyu smiling down at her, clearly thinking she’d won and felt the irritation in her chest flair. This was so stupid. Yes, Tzuyu was her friend but this was crossing a line now. She pushed forward, finally getting Tzuyu to back up and move towards her side of the room, the brunette landing ungracefully in the middle of the bed as they reached it, grabbing onto one of Rosie’s hands as she did so.
“Come here,” Tzuyu said, pulling Rosie down and Rosie cringed when she realized, even in her drunken haze, Tzuyu was still stronger than she was. She braced herself as she came down face first next to Tzuyu and quickly turned herself over, attempted to push herself up into a seated position. The whole time, Tzuyu sat, swaying next to her, apparently so drunk she couldn’t even sit up straight. She finally sat firmly, feet on the floor, and felt Tzuyu’s head land heavily on her shoulder, awkward. Half a second later she felt Tzuyu just barely lift up and lean in, leaving a clumsy, loud kiss on her cheek.
That’s it! she thought, sighing angrily.
She pushed herself off the bed and turned, her face full of rage, staring at a clearly confused and befuddled Tzuyu staring back at her, almost like she didn’t even realize Rosie was there.
“What the hell is your problem, Tzuyu?! This is not okay anymore and I’m so pissed at you right now I could…” She trailed off as she watched Tzuyu fall sideways onto the bed, her head landing heavily on the pillow, eyes already closed.
“Goddamnit,” she cried, kicking at the dresser to her right and immediately regretting it when the pain shot through her foot and up her leg. “Ouch! Motherf--… ugh! This isn’t over, Tzuyu! We’re having this out tomorrow, once and for all!” She glared angrily at the sleeping girl, her hands balled into little balls of rage at her sides and stomped her foot once.
Your hangover headache’s going to be a doozy tomorrow when I’m done with you.
***
Present
“I walked in just before you kicked the dresser. Tzuyu was already passed out cold and you looked like you were about to explode. Not to mention you had a little bit of red schmutz on your cheek from where she’d kissed you.”
“But I don’t remember that part!” Rosie cried, her frustration boiling over. She stood up, angrily moving around the coffee table and beginning to pace the span of the room. “The rest of that night is gone! I was so pissed at her and I remember I wanted to tear her a new one but then… it’s like this giant black hole of nothingness!”
“Rosie-”
“And, honestly, after that, I don’t remember really anything more about Tzuyu until she introduced me to Sana. And that was… Jesus, that was like months and months later.”
“Rosie-”
“And I know that the missing stuff is you! I know that but how in the hell did I lose all of that just because you were there? That’s not fair, that’s not-“
“Rosie, stop!” She saw Lisa stand and round the coffee table, gently placing her hands on her shoulders, stopping her in her tracks. She looked up at the dark-haired girl, meeting her soft stare, and released a deep breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Chaeng, it’s okay. Everything’s okay, I promise.”
She felt Lisa squeeze her shoulders once before slowly trailing her fingertips down, resting them on Rosie’s elbows, her thumbs moving back and forth across the bunched up material of Rosie’s button down.
Lisa opened her mouth to say more but stopped, glancing down at where her hands rested on Rosie’s arms and slowly pulled away as if she’d crossed a line.
No, no, no!
She reached out, fisting Lisa’s t-shirt and pulling their bodies together, unwilling to let the other girl pull away. She felt Lisa slowly wrapping her in her strong arms, holding her close and Rosie felt herself melt into the embrace, inhaling the heavenly scent that she was becoming so familiar with. It reminded her…
It reminds me of home. But it’s different. It’s not-
“You can’t keep spiraling like that, Park,” Lisa interrupted her thoughts. "I know this is frustrating and it’s scary but… you can’t keep beating yourself up over something you can’t control.”
She’s right. I’m going to end up driving myself crazy if I keep this up. But it’s just…
“It’s just so hard, Lisa.” Her voice was small as she held tighter to the dark-haired girl.
“I know, Chaeng. I know it’s hard but… Rosie, if anyone can do this… if anyone can get through it and make it to the other side, it’s you.” She pulled her face from where it was buried in Lisa’s neck and looked up at the other girl. Lisa just smiled, her eyes soft and affectionate. “You’re… you’re amazing, Rosie. You’re stronger than anyone I know. And definitely more stubborn than any human on this planet,” she chuckled. “I know it’s hard and I know you’re afraid, but… you can do this. You can make it through. And… when it gets too hard and you feel like you can’t go on… I’m here, okay? I’ll be right here, by your side.”
“But what about when it gets to be too much for you?”
“Well, that’s what I have you for. That’s what we have each other for, okay?”
Wow… I… she…
Rosie just nodded, unable to verbalize everything tumbling through her mind, but savoring the comfort of Lisa’s arms still wrapped around her, her own good hand fisting at the back of the other girl's shirt, almost as if she was holding on for dear life. And in a way she was.
“So then what happened?”
She watched Lisa glance at the clock and cringe once before stepping back towards the couch, apparently intent on getting comfortable to start the next part of the story.
Rosie followed her line of sight and realized, despite her desperation to know what happened, it was far too late to continue this line of questioning.
“Wait, I’m sorry,” she said, pulling Lisa to a stop. “I didn’t realize it was already after midnight. You probably have something better to be doing huh?”
“Than a second date with you? Not even close. But I do have an early meeting in the morning with Jackson.” She ran her thumb along Rosie’s cheek, ending at her chin, gently tracing the faint scar there. “If… if you really want to hear the rest, I can tell you.”
“Lisa, no. I mean, I do want to hear the rest but, you need to get some sleep,” she said, studying the dark circles under the other girl's eyes. “Maybe, if you’re free tomorrow.”
“I’m supposed to meet with Seulgi and Taeyong at some point. They’re leaving soon and I haven’t actually spent that much time with them.”
“Shit, Lisa, I-”
“No, it’s not your fault. It was my choice, okay?”
“Regardless, go see them tomorrow. We… we have time. We’ll talk later.”
“Are you sure, Chaeng?”
“Positive,” Rosie nodded eagerly, though she found she was terrified to leave Lisa’s side, to leave her arms.
This was not what she’d planned for their evening. Why’d she have to ask about Tzuyu? Why’d she have to bring up something so upsetting? She looked up to see Lisa staring at her curiously and forced a small smile, hoping not to worry the other girl too much.
“I’ll um… I’ll leave you to get some rest.”
“Okay. I’ll probably be gone before you wake up but call me if you need anything and I’ll be here, okay? No matter what.”
Apparently, she wasn’t that convincing or the other girl knew her far too well, but she just nodded, staring up into Lisa’s caring dark eyes. Unable to help herself, she leaned over slowly, cupping Lisa’s cheek with one hand and leaving a soft, lingering kiss on the other, the scent of the other girls shampoo assaulting her senses as she did so. She felt the dark-haired girl relax against her lips and couldn’t help but smile.
“Good night, Lisa,” she whispered as she pulled away, their faces only a few inches apart.
“Good night, Chaeng.” She watched as Lisa swallowed hard and smiled once more before she turned and forced herself to leave the room before she changed her mind.
Making her way to the bedroom, she left the door halfway open, unable to fully close it, and quickly changed into her pajamas before turning off the lights. Climbing into the bed, she pulled the blankets up to her chin and listened. She saw the lights beyond the doorway click off and then the house was silent. She’d tried to forget that night over the years because it really had left an unpleasant taste in her mouth but…
While she knew exactly what had transpired in that tiny bedroom that night, she couldn’t shake the feeling of hearing her and Tzuyu’s conversation from the other side of the door. Poor Lisa. How in the hell had they come back from that? Rosie could only imagine being in Lisa’s shoes that night and felt sick at the thought. If she had heard what the dark-haired girl described, she would’ve been completely devastated and heartbroken. And while she knew she didn’t actually do anything wrong that night, the thought that she’d let Tzuyu get away with all she had prior made the situation so much worse. She should’ve fixed it back then. She should’ve put Lisa first and then maybe, that night wouldn’t have even happened. Maybe they would’ve made it to get their ice cream and ended up falling asleep curled around each other, happy and in love. Maybe she wouldn’t be lying here on the verge of tears once again, holding back only because she was so goddamn sick of crying.
Rolling onto her side, back to the doorway, she stared at the empty side of the bed. Lisa’s side. Reaching out, she placed her hand on the cool pillow resting there, feeling so incredibly sad and lonely at that moment that it physically hurt.