Harry.
"Dave, you ready to leave?" I asked my colleague as I put my coat on and grabbed my bag. He was scrolling on his phone while talking to an older colleague, who frowned when she realized he wasn't really paying attention to her.
"Mhm, sorry Patrice, got to go." He seemed less than sorry to say goodbye to Patrice, not giving her another look before he followed me out of the teacher's lounge and we left the school together.
While we walked to our cars, Dave was whining and complaining about Patrice. She seemed to think they were great friends, but according to Dave, all she ever talked about were her cats and how much she loved cheese.
"It's completely insane!" He cried out, "I don't give a fuck about the different kinds of cheese!"
I cackled as I shook my head, "Sounds horrible, you're right. Why does she think you're friends? Don't think she's ever even talked to me."
Dave shrugged as he lit up a cigarette outside of the school gates, "She gave me the tour on my first day and I stuck with her for a bit after that. But that was years ago!"
We passed by some of our students who were hanging out after school, a few girls waving and smiling at us as we walked to our cars, "I'm so happy you work in this bloody school." Dave sighed, "Finally a guy, and someone my age. Couldn't have asked for anything better."
"You're making me blush." I joked and Dave rolled his eyes, "Seriously, working with these old girls for all those years, I got tired of being the only sex symbol."
I let out a laugh again, fishing my car keys out of my pocket as I shook my head to myself, "Sex symbol, glad you're humble." I sarcastically spoke.
"You know all of these colleagues are drooling over us."
"They're kind of... old." I frowned, a shudder running over my spine.
"I know. Do you know how many inappropriate comments I've gotten over the years? All of these women could be my mother, it's completely gross. And I'm sorry that you have to deal with that as well now, but on the other hand I'm glad that I'm not the only one anymore." Dave explained.
I scrunched up my nose in disgust, "Haven't noticed it that much, to be honest. But that sounds horrible... Couldn't you go to the principal with that? It's basically harassment."
"Maybe Cindy looks at it differently, I know the old principal didn't give a shit. He thought it was all good fun, just because he was an old twat who never got any attention. Sometimes it is fun, you know, some harmless flirting, but I kind of feel objectified."
"Clearly. I hate how there's such a double standard when it comes to that. If it were the other way around, old men harassing younger women, it would've been in the paper already. It's like they always assume we're fine with it because we're men." I complained with a frown, reaching my car.
Dave shrugged his shoulders, "It is what it is, I guess. Hey, want to head to Steve's and finish this bloody project? If we finish it today, we won't have to work on it during the weekend."
I slowly nodded as I opened my car door, tightening my jacket around me. It had been drizzling all day, and I had been caught in the rain once already during the jog this morning. I didn't feel like getting all wet again, "Good idea. I'll see you there?"
Dave shot me a thumbs up and got in his car as well. I shut the door behind me, getting out of the Thursday wind and into the warmth and comfort of my car. I instantly turned up the heating and the radio for the short drive to Steve's bar, driving behind Dave's old Jeep that was bound to fall apart any day now.
The smoke coming out of his engine was nearly black and didn't look healthy at all, but he was very attached to the old vehicle and none of us were allowed to say anything bad about it.
My thighs felt a little sore from working out every day this week, but I didn't mind that much if it meant seeing Penelope on a daily basis. She always looked chipper and bright in the mornings, her smile beaming as she was full of energy and excited to start jogging.
Her pace had been slower ever since Monday, and she clearly kept in mind that I struggled with my asthma and had a healthy dose of competitiveness with it too. A deadly combination, as it seemed. I hated that she had seen me like that on Monday, but there was no way to hide the upcoming attack from her even though I tried my best.
Her delicate touch on my neck had helped me calm down more than I cared to admit, while simultaneously taking my breath away once more at the same time.
The morning jogs with her had been fun.
Although my heart wrenched every time she shot me that fond look of hers, and every time we softly kissed. I told myself not to do that anymore for her sake, but I somehow couldn't bring myself to reject her every time she pushed herself up on her toes to kiss me goodbye. They were always just little pecks when we went our separate ways at the corner of the coffee house.
I was sure that by now she had realized I didn't take initiative to kiss her, but that it was always her who had to take that first step.
It had been stupid of me to let it get this far, but I couldn't stop. Not after seeing her crawl on her hands and knees towards me last weekend. Not after she climbed on top of my lap, had that bloody horny look in her eyes as she swivelled her hips on top of me and pushed her tongue in my mouth.
Not after that. How could I? How could I ever stay away after that? I was only human after all, I was weak, stupid and blind for red flags. I made her blind for my red flags, more like it. It had to stop, I knew that much.
I could never give her what she wanted, and the inevitable heartbreak would crush her even more. She was already in such a vulnerable state with the whole Patrick thing. I couldn't do it to her, it would be selfish. It would be selfish to keep her around, knowing I could never get there, knowing I would drop her in a matter of weeks.
It had never been any other way, no matter how hard I tried. I had always tried to like people as much as they seemed to like me, but I always ended up hurting them either way. I couldn't let it get that far this time. Not with her.
I pulled up behind Dave, parking on the side of the street across from Steve's bar which was rather empty at this hour on a week day. There were a few people there working with their headphones on and their laptops in front of them. I actually started recognizing some of them from being there nearly every day for coffee or a beer.
None of Dave's other friends were here today and we used that opportunity to get some work done. It actually turned out that Dave and I were a horrible team for this project. We thought it would be a piece of cake, but we were constantly distracted with conversations about random topics and it caused us to hardly get anything done in a matter of hours.
We had to present it on Monday, and still had some finishing touches to do.
Both of us ordered a cup of coffee and sat down next to the window, feeling the heat of the radiator against our legs to warm up. It had turned into full Autumn-mode now.
"Okay, I suggest we put our phones away for at least two hours, and just finish this, yeah?" Dave suggested, nudging his head to his laptop screen that held the information so far on our project. It was a whole thing about religious diversity in the school, and we did really want to take this seriously and deliver a good job since this was such an important topic.
"Agreed." I nodded, glancing at my phone to check if I had a message from Penelope before turning it off.
"Awe," Dave mocked, "You've been on your phone so much lately... Have to let your girlfriend know you're going to ignore her for two hours?"
I rolled my eyes, "I don't have a girlfriend, you know that."
"Then who's this Cinnamon?"
My eyes widened, "What?"
Dave had a smirk on his lips, "I've seen your phone screen."
"You're looking through my phone?" I frowned and Dave rolled his eyes this time, "Of course not, you twat. I just never have mine on me and then I click on a random phone to check the time. I saw it on your notification screen."
"Right." I slowly nodded before shrugging, "Just some girl."
"And her name is Cinnamon?"
I pressed my lips together as my mind was working overtime. I slowly nodded, as if convincing myself. "Yes. Cinnamon."
Dave seemed surprised, "Special name."
"It is." I had to force myself to keep a straight face.
I sipped some coffee, completely getting my mind on the project as Dave and I got to working. It was a challenge to integrate different religions into the mostly white school, and the last thing Dave and I wanted was to step on people's toes.
We were obviously both white, young men with a good amount of privilege, so this was just a first step. Next up we definitely were going to have to talk to the people themselves instead of trying to figure it out on our own.
The school we worked at wasn't a Christian school, unlike my last one. There were a lot more different cultures, skin tones, religions and languages here, which made it both interesting and challenging.
I didn't expect to like working at the school so much, especially since I loved my last school. Before Mila got me fired.
The Richmond public school wasn't as high in recommendation as a lot of the other schools, but the atmosphere there was nice. It wasn't as stuffy and preppy as a lot of other schools in London, and teachers got a lot of freedom to see kids individually and really work out a program with them.
I liked that.
I also had more close contact with the parents, needing to organize parental meetings every few months to discuss the kid itself. It gave me more responsibility, but also more of a purpose. The more I knew about these kids personal lives, the more I was determined to teach them something.
Dave and I worked well for a few hours, until only a few little details still needed to happen. We decided that enough was enough, and that we'd finish that tomorrow during lunch break.
I waved at Liam as he walked in the door, his phone glued to his ear. His eyes widened momentarily when he saw Dave, and he held his finger up to signal us he was going to join us in a bit.
I bet he was on the phone with Katie.
"So, this Cinnamon." Dave started again and I cleared my throat, preparing to come up with more lies.
"What's she like?" He continued and I shrugged, "Like I said, just some girl. We've been texting a bit, and that's all."
"Have you shagged her?"
I chuckled and shook my head, "No."
Dave's eyes widened, "Really? How come?"
"I don't know," I shrugged again, "Just... haven't."
He seemed confused at my answer, "Wait, do you like this girl?"
"I hardly know her."
"That's not an answer." He leaned forward on the table, a smirk on his lips, "Holy shit, you do like her."
I rolled my eyes as I finished the remainder of my coffee, "Like I said, I hardly know her. It's nothing serious, just casual."
It was clear that Dave didn't believe a word I was saying as he shot me a puzzled look, "So, what does she look like then? Where'd you meet her?"
I sighed upon realization he was still on the topic, "Dude, just drop it." I pleaded but Dave sternly shook his head, "Come on, paint me a word picture." He held his hands in front of his chest as if mimicking boobs, bringing them farther and farther away and waiting for me to stop him.
"Jeez, that's a massive rack." He commented when I didn't say stop him. I rolled my eyes and leaned over the table, pushing his hands back towards his chest and positioning them correctly in a normal cup size in an attempt to shut him up.
"Nice, that's a decent C-cup, that." He looked down to his own hands and I cleared my throat, "Yep, now drop it."
"Ah, man, come on!" He cried out, "So boring, I need the gossip. I thrive on this shit, you know that!"
I did know that, but if Dave was aware that I had just imagined Penelope's boobs while positioning his hands, he'd cut my dick off.
"I'm not the oversharing kind of type like you are!" I defended myself and Dave sighed, "Come on, just some details."
"Fine." I rolled my eyes, "She's pretty. She's got brown hair, great body, great smile. And she's nice and kind. And funny."
"What, that's it? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?" Dave seemed less than thrilled and I shrugged, "You wanted details."
"Yeah, like... sex details."
"I told you I haven't slept with her."
"Man, hopefully Liam's got some more juicy stories than you." He muttered, glancing at Liam who was still on his phone near the front door. I stifled my chuckle, realizing that Liam would be talking about Katie in the same way that I was talking about Penelope.
If Dave only knew.
"Aha, Penny just texted me." Dave piped up and I flicked my head up, "Yeah?" I quickly checked my phone, also seeing a message from her.
"Mhm, she got off work early today and is coming here." Dave read the same message as I had received, and I nodded as if it was new information, "Cool."
"By the way, we're inviting everyone over on Friday at ours." He informed me.
"We're going out on Friday? Not Saturday?"
He shrugged, "Maybe both. But Pixies was really busy last Saturday, thinking it might be better on Friday. Besides, Chelsea's playing on Saturday and I don't want to miss that game."
I rolled my eyes, keeping my snarky football-remark about Chelsea in. My Manchester heart was bleeding each time these guys mentioned their favourite team.
"You want a beer then? Now that we're done with work?" I suggested, reaching for my wallet as I got up to my feet. Dave nodded while still looking at his phone, and I walked up to Liam quickly to greet him and ask him if he wanted anything.
He pointed to his phone, "It's Katie." He whispered and I chuckled, "Mhm, figured. You want a beer?"
Liam shot me a thankful nod, "Yeah, thanks man."
I leaned against the wooden bar, waiting for Steve to finish up his other orders before he approached me, "Hi. Three beers, please."
I tapped my fingers on the bar, humming along to the melody of the music before I noticed someone standing next to me. When I glanced to the side, I saw a girl with dark, short hair, a nose piercing and bright red lips, smiling up at me, "Hello."
I frowned a little but smiled back either way, "Hi. Can I help you?"
The girl chuckled back and shook her head, "I'm not sure. This is probably weird, but I've seen you in here every day this week and I've been working up the guts to come talk to you. My friend's been feeding me vodka so I suppose now's the time."
My eyes widened in surprise as I let out a laugh, "Vodka, huh? On a Thursday at six? Bold."
The girl looked over her shoulder and I followed her gaze, to a male friend who was watching us closely with an amused look on his face. The girl cleared her throat, "I'd be way too shy to do this when sober. I'm Mel, by the way."
I smiled as I shook her extended hand, "Harry."
"Finally a name, I kind of imagined you as a... Joe or something."
I sputtered out a laugh, leaning against the bar, "A Joe? Please. So, you've been watching me for days, huh? Sounds like your name should be Joe." I joked the You-reference in hopes she'd get it, and the flicker in her eyes told me she did. Her smile faltered a little, "Shit, I must sound like such a creep."
"No, no," I chuckled, "it's all good."
"So, um... I don't know, maybe I could give you my number and you could call me? To hang out sometime?" Mel tried and I smirked a little, "So you're asking me to ask you out, basically?"
"Please, don't give me any more responsibility." She joked in a cringe, "This was embarrassing enough."
I laughed again before slowly nodding, pulling out my phone and handing it to her, "Here you go, put in your number. I'll give you a call."
She shot me a blinding smile, her manicured fingers taking a hold of my phone as she typed in her number, saving the contact name as Melanie which I suppose was her full name. She let out a sharp breath, as if a huge weight fell of her shoulders and it was quite cute, "Alright, I'll wait for your call."
"Okay," I snickered, "Bye." And with that, she turned around and headed back to her friend at the other table, who looked ready to hear all the gossip. I chuckled to myself, taking the three beers and turning around towards the table where Liam and Dave were.
But before I got there, someone blocked my way, and it was Penelope. My smile faltered immediately as I pressed my lips together, "Hey."
She knew. I could see it in her face that she had seen and heard that, and no matter how hard she tried to force me a friendly smile, I could see the wheels in her head turning, "Hi."
Her eyes glanced to Mel, who was seated on the other side of the café, before clearing her throat and adjusting the strap of her bag around her shoulder. Without saying anything else, she walked past me to order herself a drink, and I took it as my cue to bring the beers to the table.
The inevitable hurt was already there. I could see it in her face.
I was fucking up already.
Penelope joined us at the table a few minutes later, a steaming cup of coffee in her hands as she sat down next to Dave, opposite Liam. Dave engulfed her in an enthusiastic side hug and she smiled back at him, squeezing his shoulder, "Hey."
"I feel like I haven't seen you all week!" Her roommate complained and Penelope chuckled, "Don't exaggerate, I've been home every evening."
"Yeah, at like nine." He rolled his eyes, "And then you're gone first thing in the morning to go running. I have no idea how you do that, waking up so early for a work out. Could never be me."
She briefly flicked her eyes over to me and shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know, I like it."
"How come you got off work earlier today?" I asked.
"Andreas, that creative director from New York, is flying back to the States tomorrow. So Carlo is just having a dinner with him tonight and tomorrow, there aren't any meetings so there was no reason for me to stay long." She explained and I nodded.
Liam cleared his throat, "Have you heard anything from Patrick?"
Penelope tensed at the mere mention of his name and then slowly shook her head, "No. Did you know already that I have the temporary restraining order?" She checked with Liam, who widened his eyes and shook his head, "Are you serious? That's great!"
"Mhm," She nodded, "Nikki got me a temporary one so that's good for a couple of weeks. Now we're going to try for a permanent one."
"And... I mean, Patrick knows you got a restraining order against him?"
"I suppose. He probably got a letter for it so he's aware not to come near me."
"Hey," Dave cleared his throat as he changed the subject, his eyes on me, "Who was that girl at the bar? She was pretty."
"Uh, yeah, her name's Mel. She asked me out." I murmured
Dave's brows raised, "Really? It's kind of hot when girls make the first move like that. So it really is casual with this Cinnamon then?"
I wanted to respond but got cut off by the sound of Penny's chair scraping backwards and she got up to her feet, "I'm going to get a smoke." She mumbled, hardly audible.
I quickly got up too, "Me too."
She looked like she wanted to protest, but briefly glanced at our friends before shortly nodding, "Fine."
I hastily grabbed my coat and walked behind her, following Penelope outside. The air had grown colder, and it was darkening outside as we leaned against the brick wall of the building next to the entrance door. She didn't say anything as she silently handed me a cigarette and the lighter, and I lit up my cigarette before handing it back to her.
"How was your day?" She broke the silence as she shot me a small smile, and I let out a sigh as I inhaled the smoke, "Penelope... We should... talk about that."
"Okay." She breathed.
"You're angry with me." I observed and Penelope shook her head, "I'm not."
"Then why are you so quiet and short with me?"
She pressed her own palm to her forehead, "I've just had a long day at the office. A long week, actually." She lied and it was obvious, and the smile she sent me to reassure me, didn't do any favours to me not believing her.
"Look, it's just... She came up to me and started talking to me, and w-"
"Harry, honestly..." Penelope cut me off, "You don't have to explain. It's not a big deal."
"But I want to. I can see that it's bothering you." I pushed as I blew out a puff of smoke.
"Can you just... On Sunday you said we needed to talk about something and we haven't talked about it yet because you haven't brought it up." She started, and I knew exactly what she meant. I nibbled on my lip as she looked at me expectingly, "What was that about?"
"It was me trying to explain why nothing could ever happen between us." I murmured and Penelope slowly nodded, "Why haven't you brought it up? We've seen each other every day this week. You had every opportunity."
I could hear what she actually wanted to say which was, 'you had every opportunity and chose to string me along'.
"I don't know. Why haven't you?"
She frowned, "You're the one who said we had to talk in the first place."
I let out a breath but stayed silent for a minute. The air between us was thick and I hated it. I was fucking everything up already, as always.
"I'm... no good for someone like you, Penelope." I sighed as I guessed it was finally time for that dreaded conversation.
"Why not?"
"Because I've never been good for anyone. I don't... fall in love that easily. I don't want a relationship."
Her frown was back, "A relationship? What makes you think that I do?"
"Do you seriously think you could sleep with me once and not expect anything else afterwards? That you'd be okay seeing me with other people after that?" I challenged her with raised brows and she frowned deeper, "I'm... Why are we talking about this?"
"Because you like me." I stated and her lips formed a tight line. I continued, "You're the kind of girl who can't have a one night stand. You search connections, intimacy... and I can't give you that. It's why I'm constantly rejecting you, keeping distance. I know that if we get too far, I won't be able to stop myself and we'll end up fucking. Once that happens I won't be able to stay away from you and then I won't get there with my feelings and you'll be hurt."
Penelope kept quiet, finishing up her cigarette as she had a blank expression on her face and stared at the ground.
"I've never been able to get there with my feelings, Penelope. I always end up breaking people's hearts, I don't even know... I don't want to hurt you." I tried to explain as I searched for her eye sight but she avoided it.
She let out a sharp breath, "Honestly... It sounds a lot like you have commitment issues."
I was baffled at her words, immediately frowning as I felt the need to defend myself, "I don't. I just... don't want to commit." I spoke in denial, closing myself off and hastily building up those walls again that she brought down.
Her head shot up at that, and I regretted it immediately when I saw the look in her eyes. She tried to hide it, she tried to hide how much that hurt her. It was a lie. I did want commitment, with her. And she was right when she said I had issues, I just ignored them and denied it.
It's almost like I saw her growing smaller in front of my eyes. Her shoulders hunched a little and she hugged her arms around herself, "I thought... You said you liked me too. That it wasn't just physical."
I slowly nodded, "As a friend."
Another lie. I liked her as more than a friend, but saying that would only give her hope for something that would never happen. I could never ever let myself go there with her because it would break my heart to break hers.
"A... A friend? You kissed me this morning." She was near whispering now and I pressed my lips together when I didn't know what else to retort. She was right, and I was wrong. I had lead her on.
Her lips parted and closed again, as if she was about to say something but stopped herself. She eventually shook her head to herself, "I-I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know why I assumed..." Penelope interrupted herself with a breath and a thick swallow, "I thought it meant the same thing for you as it did for me. I just... um – I assumed..."
A look of hurt on her face.
It had meant the same thing when I had said that, the morning after she got beaten up by Patrick in her bedroom. But Penelope wasn't someone I could do trial and error with. The chances of it going wrong were too high, and I was in this group of friends now and they'd all drop me if things went bad between us.
It was too scary to go there, because I had no idea what it meant. I had no idea how far I could go, I had no idea how it was going to develop. And that unknown scared the shit out of me to the point where I just avoided it.
She shortly cleared her throat, still in thought, "I'm sorry." She apologized again for a reason I didn't understand, "I-It's stupid. Just... Whatever, it's not a big deal." She sighed, not finishing the sentence as she shot her head up again and forced a small smile.
She looked pretty, yet tired. Drained almost, unenergized, heavy. A large contrast to this morning. The bruises on her had faded for the most part, to the point where she covered them with make-up on her face. The cut in her forehead had gone down to a scab and the swelling in her jaw was gone. She looked good as new, utterly beautiful as always even at the end of a long day.
I couldn't tell her the truth about my feelings, because she'd do everything in her power to fix me and I didn't want her to put all that energy into something that could probably not be fixed. It would hurt her even more then. And I didn't know how to make it clear to her that I was doing this for her, that I cared that much that I needed to protect her from myself and the hurt that I was about to cause her. It would be tenfold what it is now.
I'd lose interest, I'd get bored, I'd drop her. Or worse, I'd stick around because I'd be too afraid to hurt her, and I'd end up cheating or leaving without saying anything. She'd get attached, and I'd feel stuck.
"I'm sorry if I smothered you." She softly spoke, as if reading my thoughts. Her voice was close to breaking, and it was very evident she tried to put on a brave face for me. Her eyes glistened with tears but she swallowed them back, forcing another smile my way, "I, um... I guess I tend to suffocate people. Patrick said..." She sighed and shook her head, stopping herself before she continued, "It doesn't matter."
"You don't have to apologize," I frowned, "This isn't your fault." I felt horrible that she thought that, but I could also tell that it didn't matter what I said at this point. It's like my words had planted a seed in her brain and it was growing into a full blown negative thing that swallowed her fully. She was completely in her head by now, and I had done that to her.
She thought she had driven me away. She thought she suffocated me with the daily meet-ups and the constant texts and calls.
We stood there in silence for another minute before she nodded to herself and eventually turned around, ready to head back inside. I followed behind her, but she stopped on her tracks when she had the doorhandle in her hand, turning around again to face me, "Harry... Who's Cinnamon?"
I could tell the question had been burning on her tongue and it was as if she only now got the courage to ask me. I chuckled softly, "You're Cinnamon. It's my nickname for you."
Recognition flashed over her face and she hummed, "So I'm the casual girl?"
My smile faltered, and I was frozen to the ground when I watched her open the door and walk inside, leaving me alone on the sidewalk. It took me a few seconds to snap out of it, gather myself, and walk back into the bar myself. She hadn't said it in a menacing way, just in an observing way.
I frowned slightly when Penelope didn't sit back down at the table, but gulped down her coffee in one go and grabbed her jacket.
"Are you leaving? You just got here?" Dave frowned and she sucked in a breath, smiling at Dave with much effort as she hastily grabbed her bag, "Y-Yeah, I'm – um... I've got a bit of work to do at home."
Her breaths came out in short puffs, her eyes were wide and her hands were shaking as she put the coat on, flipping her hair out of the neckline of it so it cascaded down her back. I wasn't sure if anyone else noticed her shift in energy, but it was clear that she wanted to get out of here as soon as she could, and I knew why.
She was heading straight towards a panic attack.
Penelope seemed about ready to faint when she shot us all another smile and then hurried out the door. I turned around, seeing her through the window outside. Her smile immediately disappeared and she pressed her trembling palm against her mouth before stumbling across the dark street towards her car.
I squinted to see her, but the window was dirty and it was too dark outside. When I looked once more a few minutes later, her car was gone.
I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, knowing our conversation had made her that anxious that it had sent her spiralling. I hated that we were in company and that I couldn't help her without blowing everything up. I couldn't be there for her like she had been there for me on Monday when I couldn't breathe.
On the other hand, I wasn't sure if I could calm her down when I was also the cause for her anxiety.
I felt like a complete piece of shit, and couldn't help but compare myself to the other piece of shit male in her life. Patrick.
It seemed like both of us gave her panic attacks.
I felt Liam's heavy gaze on me as he hadn't said a word yet since Penelope ran out the door. He was obviously aware that we had been meeting up and talking, maybe he even knew more that Katie had told him. His stare felt judging, and it only made me feel worse.
I took my phone with a sigh.
Message to: Cinnamon
Please... This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's all me. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm trying to do you a favour, Penelope. I'd hurt you, I'd break your heart. I don't want that for you. I care too much.
I racked my brain, trying to think of what else I could say.
Message to: Cinnamon
I'm sorry.
I pressed 'send' with a shaky sigh, trying to pay attention to what Dave was talking about, but my mind was elsewhere. Sorry didn't even cut it, to be honest. That shy, small girl that she was whenever Patrick was around her, had disappeared once they broke up. I had seen her now, and it was because of me this time. I hated it, I hated making her feel like this. But I was selfish, and I couldn't be selfish with her in the way I always was.
I couldn't dispose of her in the way I had disposed of other people in the past.
Liam elbowed me in the arm once Dave got up to use the loo. I turned my head to see him, a thick frown on his forehead, "What was that about? Penny looked like she was about to cry."
I tilted my head to the side, unsure how much Liam knew. He seemed to see the look on me and let out a breath, "Katie told me everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything." He nodded, "At least, everything that Pen told her, which I assume is nearly everything."
"Right." I sighed.
He took another sip of beer, "Look, I don't want to give advice without you asking for it... But it might be helpful to talk about this with someone who actually knows her."
I ran a hand through my hair, shaking my head to myself, "I just... I fucked up. I always knew I would, it was just a matter of time. I've never... been into someone to the point where I'd consider a relationship. And she's a relationship kind of person, so it would never work between us anyway."
"So you... stopped it before anything even started?" Liam asked in conclusion and I nodded, "Yes. I know I'll end up hurting her somehow, and I want to protect her from that."
"Do you not like her?"
"I do." I shrugged, "I like her more than I've ever liked anyone before. Which is why I'm confused. But it's so... new and scary. I don't want to give her hope and then snatch it away when it turns out I can't get there."
Liam let out a breath, "It's always new and scary, Harry. Dating is always kind of jumping in the deep."
"We're not dating." I murmured.
"You've slept in the same bed, you talk and text constantly, you kiss each other and have a daily timeslot reserved for one another... Are you sure?" He carefully responded.
We were in silence for a bit as my heart sank lower, and I traced my pointer finger over the rim of my glass. When I first met Penelope, the attraction was purely physical, from both our ends. In getting to know her, I realized how big of a part she played in my day. She always made me smile, and I always looked forward to seeing her.
The physical aspect was a part of that, but I truly liked her personality, not just her looks. And it was the same for her.
"She's... She's going to be fine, right?" I asked warily, needing to hear him confirm that I hadn't completely wrecked her, "I mean, she said it wasn't a big deal."
Liam raised his brows, "She said that? Those exact words?"
"Yeah," I frowned, "She said it wasn't a big deal."
He softly chuckled, "In Penny-language, that means she's crushed. She doesn't realize she does it, but we all know it. When she says it's not a big deal, she means the opposite."
I groaned in misery, "Are you serious?"
"Sorry. Wish I could tell you she doesn't care, but she does. She always cares." Liam shot me a sympathetic look.
I nibbled on my lower lip, glancing to the closed bathroom doors where Dave was. I decided to open up to Liam for some unknown reason. I couldn't open up to Penelope, but seemed to have no issue spilling everything to him, "I dated a girl for a year and got very into her friend group. We all hung out together all the time, and I considered them my friends. We eventually broke up and all those friends dropped me immediately."
Liam's eyes flashed over in realization as he hummed, "You think she's going to turn us all against you if things go bad?"
"Exactly." I murmured, licking my dry lips. Liam shook his head, "She'd never do that. She's too nice of a person to ever shut someone out like that, no matter what happens. You know how she needed to be persuaded to even get a restraining order against Patrick after all the shit he pulled. She's a people pleaser and she loves giving everyone a hundred chances. She could never be that bitter, it's not something you have to worry about." He spoke, and I felt even worse for the way I had talked to her earlier.
I leaned back in my seat, sighing when Dave returned from the toilet and Liam and I had to break off our conversation. They got to talking about some movie that played yesterday, but I wasn't even paying attention anymore.
I was so torn.
I wanted her, with every fibre of my being, I wanted her.
My heart and my brain were fighting a battle and it was exhausting.