Chapter Nine: Don't
"You... said... what?" bulong ni Silas habang punong puno nang gulat ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya.
Huminga ako nang malalim sabay lamon sa french fries ko na binili ni mommy pag-uwi niya kagabi galing trabaho nanaman. There is no way I'm telling Silas what happened again that day at kung ang pinag-usapan na'ming dalawa.
Isang beses ko lang sasabihin. I'm not saying it again. For god's sake its recess at talagang nasa harap nanaman ka'ming dalawa ng bathroom, right beside the soda machine.
Silas was the one who pulled me that day so I could talk to Alexander, I guess as one of his friends he was worried about Alexander's actions, he wasn't being himself at ako yung dahilan kung bakit. I made him upset because I was avoiding him just to prepare how to confess to him properly.
And I ended up telling him how I felt. But he didn't reject me, which is good, right?
But I'm overthinking, I really am.
"Rina... seryoso ka ba?" tanong niya pa.
I don't even want to talk about this with anyone. But Silas was concerned and he wanted to know if everything went well. And since he knew the way I look at Alexander, I told him that I said it, that I confessed.
"Who would have thought that the prettiest girl of the NEO would confess to the American Boy?" tawa niyang sabi.
I glare at him. Hindi rin nakakatulong 'tong lalaking 'to. I shouldn't have told him, parang mas lalo ko lang pinalala yung pang-aasar niya sa'kin. And here I thought I could trust Silas Nakamoto, I should not have told him after all.
"Nang-aasar ka nanaman? Really?" I rolled my eyes.
"Please, nagulat lang ako na inamin mo sa kanya yung nararamdaman mo. I mean, you told him you like him."
"Okay, okay. I regret it, I already regret it, Silas!" naiirita kong sabi.
"Hey, at least he will think about it, maybe he's thinking about the answer now?" he smirks.
Hope. I know that. I know that really well. Ang dami ko nang nasabang mga libro and it's always hoping when it comes to wishing someone you like to like you back. Do I even want to hope that he will like me back? Is it even possible? Bata pa kami, we're not even in senior high yet, dapat kasi ginamit ko yung utak ko and made another excuse instead of confessing!
I thought that I would at least confess to him at like our last year here in NEO. Ba't ko naman kasi sinabi sa kanya agad! Of course natuwa ako na pag-iisipan niya muna, but I already regret it! I'm so embarrassed too! Nakakahiya talaga!
Ni hindi ko nga alam kung paano ko siya kakausapin. I ate with him and together with our friends without Genevieve in the canteen. I was talking to Silas and Ryland, but Alexander was talking to the older Manuel brothers. He didn't even spare a look at me.
"Do you think he's avoiding me?"
"Hm? Avoiding you?"
"Yeah, he wasn't even looking at me."
"You guys talked yesterda--"
"Yeah, for a group study, kailangan yun para may extra points. He's obviously avoiding me..." I sighed.
It's now all coming back to me. Siguro masaya ako na pag-iisipan niya pero 'di dapat ako masaya na sinabi niya yun dahil alam niya na, at baka 'di niya 'ko gusto, and I just remembered one more thing which I hate.
"Ugh! And that girl too!" naiinis kong sabi tsaka ako tumayo at tinapos ko yung carton ng french fries at tinapon yon sa trash can malapit sa soda machine.
Talagang nakalimutan ko yung crush niyang babae. How could I forget about it? About the girl, he has a crush on at the moment? Happiness only happens in a day, or a night, and reality comes back after to hit you in the worst way possible.
"Are you okay?"
"Obviously not! Nakamoto!" I answered, raising my voice.
Tumawa lang ang Nakamoto sa'kin at inakbayan niya 'ko. He then pats my head while laughing. Nang-aasar nanaman siya, why am I even with this guy right now? I swear he's not here to ask me about what happened but he's here instead to tease me.
"You're so funny."
"It'll be funnier if I were to punch you right in your face." I threatened.
"Please, you love me~"
"Mananapak talaga ako."
Tinulak ko siya papalayo sa'kin at nakatingin lang siya sa'kin habang malaki pa rin ang ngiti niya sa labi niya. As always, Silas thinks I'm entertaining. Wala ba talagang magawa 'tong lalaking 'to?
"Not my face, Ms. Miranda." his smile widens even more.
Sinuntok ko yung balikat niya nang malakas at halata sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya ang sakit sa suntok ko sa balikat niya. He silently screamed while biting his bottom lip to not let his voice escape from his lips.
"Damn, girl!" he exclaimed.
Nakita ko ang orasan sa may relos ko, I then realized na ilang minuto na lang at malapit na ulet magklase. Nakakawalang ganang pumunta nang klase ngayon, it's just so tiring to even go to school to begin with.
Our next class would be PE, that means makikita ko siya. I don't know kung papansin niya 'ko, but it scares me. Is he still thinking? God, I feel so impatient yet happy at the same time.
I bit my bottom lip thinking how great it would be if he feels the same way as I do. And for some reason, I began to imagine every single scenario we would have together if he likes me back. Liligawan niya ba 'ko? Would he give me flowers just to prove his feelings for me? Tinakpan ko agad yung mukha ko sa hiya, now I'm imagining all of it.
Nababaliw nanaman ako. I really need to stop reading the romance books I have been reading, this is only making my imagination and fantasy much worse!
Natigil ako sa paglalakad nang biglang may humila sa'kin sa may braso ko, nawala rin ang mga kamay ko sa mukha ko at binuksan ang mga mata ko.
Muntik ko nang mabangga yung dalawang estudyante habang 'di ako nakatingin at nakatakip ang mukha ko. I looked at the student that I almost bumped into and just gave them an apologetic smile, they also smiled back while looking at me too.
"Hey." nawala ang ngiti nung estudyante sa'kin at napunta ang mga mata niya sa nakahawak sa braso ko ngayon.
I then realized that it might not be Silas who grabbed me, that it might be someone else.
"Instead of smiling, why don't you just continue walking, buddy." I heard Alexander's low voice behind me, his chest against my back, only driving me crazy with the warmth of his body and how close we are next to each other after that day.
"And... next time, look at your surroundings." he added.
Nakita 'kong lumunok yung estudyante at agad siyang nag-lakad ulet. Nanatili pa rin ang kamay niya sa braso ko at ang katawan na'min sa isa't-isa. I can hear someone's heartbeat, but I'm pretty sure that it's mine.
"You're clumsy, you know that?" bulong niya sa'kin at ramdam ko pa ang labi niya malapit sa tenga ko.
I felt the electricity immediately from his words and his hand around my arm.
"I... I..."
"Use your words, Rina." he interrupts.
"I...uhm... thank you, Alexander." I spoke, almost stuttering.
Binitawan niya 'ko at tsaka siya humarap sa'kin sabay tapik sa ulo ko nang mahina. Our eyes met and his lips form a small smile, a reassuring smile. Napangiti rin ako pabalik at nawala na ang kamay niya ulo ko at nagsimula na ulet siyang maglakad sa hallway.
Leaving me and Silas who's been behind me this whole time with his arms crossed to each other against his chest with a smirk on his lips.
Habang ako naman ay pinapanood siya na naglalakad kasama yung mga kaibigan niya. I touched my head where he patted me, still feeling the warmth and the fondness of the way he patted me. And his smile, how strange.
He's acting as if nothing's weird, as if nothing happened.
Bumalik na 'ko sa classroom at umupo sa tabi ni Genevieve na kakagising lang galing sa tulog niya. As always, 'di niya inaral yung study guide niya na ginawa niya kagabi raw para sa test na'min next week. I took her study guide and proceed to read it, realizing na kahit subukan niya mang pag-aralan 'tong ginawa niya, wala namang maitutulong din 'to.
Her study guide was useless, I sighed. Wala akong ibang choice kung hindi i-print yung ginawa kong study guide para sa sarili ko. The things I'm doing for this woman is just something else, I swear.
"Huh, Ms. Diamante... you're asleep again." sabi ng teacher na'min sabay palo sa desk ni Genevieve.
Nagising agad si Genevieve dahil sa palo at tsaka siya umirap sa teacher without any hesitation at all. She sighs and grabs her study guide from my desk.
"Ms. Diamante, this is not your house, your room, and your bed. If you're thinking of sleeping in my class again, might as well le--" bago pa matapos ang sasabihin ng teacher na'min, tumayo si Genevieve at tinitigan niya yung teacher sa mata.
Halata ang galit sa mata ni Genevieve, this happens all the time but hopefully, Genevieve won't actually start a fight with our PE teacher right now. Ayoko siyang masuspende kahit na marami na siyang suspension, enough suspensions for her to be kicked out but here she is.
"Fuck off." she cursed right in front of the teacher.
I was going to hold her arm to stop her from fighting the teacher. I should have known that she's not in the good mood. Kinuha niya yung bag niya at yung hoodie at padabog na umalis sa classroom.
The teacher is furious, but he's not surprised anymore. Nasanay na rin yung mga kaklase ko just cause it happens all the time, at first, we were not used to it but Genevieve is Genevieve.
"Wala talagang preno ang bibig ng babaeng yun..." rinig kong sabi ng teacher at bumalik siya sa teacher's table sa harap na'min.
"We will go to the gym again, make sure to be respectful if there are other students there."
As always, ako nanaman mag-isa. I'm gonna have to talk to Genevieve later pag nag-lunch mamaya. I'm a bit worried, she probably had a fight with her stepmother again, and that might be the reason why she's acting like this.
"Okay ka lang, Rina?" tanong ni Margauxx sa tabi ko habang nag-lalakad kami papunta sa gym.
Ramdam ko ang kamay niya sa balikat ko, nagtinginan kami sa isa't-isa at ngumiti na lang ako sa kanya.
"Nag-mura nanaman yung best friend mo."
"Yup, may problema siguro siya kaya siya ganun, just let her be."
"Hm, you're too nice naman, Rina."
I'm not being nice. I know this because I've been Genevieve's best friend for years, matagal nanaming kilala ang isa't-isa, I don't understand why people don't see it. We just really care about each other and we know each other very well.
I bit into my bottom lip when I saw his back, I knew it was his and my heart skipped a beat again. God, naalala ko pala yung kanina. I can still feel his hand on top of my head and his presence behind me.
"Hays... ang gwapo talaga nang Cardoza na yan, ganun talaga kapag mayaman 'no?" simula ni Margauxx.
"Bakit, crush mo?" I asked, chuckling.
"Hoy, hinde naman. Alam mo naman na may crush akong iba, Rina!" sagot niya at pinalo niya pa 'ko.
"Christian Baddel?"
"At mas gwapo pa siya kaysa sa Cardoza na yan."
I am not sure of that, Alexander is really attractive. Alexander is one of the most handsome students here in NEO, matangkad din siya at sikat sa klase na'min, kahit na rin sa mga NEOA college students.
"Close rin kayo, 'di ba?"
"H-Huh?" I almost stuttered there again.
"Kayong dalawa ni Alexander..."
"Uhm... yeah, just friends."
Just friends. I used to hate that, I still do. But I wonder kung magkaibigan pa rin kami pagkatapos kong aminin ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya kahapon. I don't know, alam ko naman na pag-iisipan niya pero it brings me back to this question to when, when is he going to give me his answer for it?
I'm impatient, I could feel it. I'm too impatient, I never knew I could experience something like this at all.
"Alam mo kung hindi kita kilala matagal ko na sanang naisip na kayong dalawa ni Alexander." she spoke again.
"Bakit naman? We're... just friends."
"Hindi mo kasi nakikita ang nakikita ko, Katerina. Kapag magkasama kayong dalawa ang naiisip ko lang talaga, bagay kayo. Maganda ka, gwapo siya, matalino ka, matalino rin siya, sikat ka at mas lalong sikat din siya. At tsaka, oh! Close ka'yong dalawa!" dagdag niya pa na may kasamang tawa.
"You guys are perfect for each other~"
Perfect for each other. Sure, maganda ako at gwapo siya. Perpekto kami para sa isa't-isa, pero ano namang punto ng ganda ko kung hindi naman ako ang gusto niya? Kung hindi naman siya nakatingin sa'kin, kung ganito ako kaganda bakit siya may crush doon sa babaeng yo'n.
"Rina, Rina!"
"Hm?"
"Kanina pa kita tinatawag."
I was too drawn into my own thoughts that I didn't even hear Margauxx next to me. Ngumiti ulet ako at umupo sa may mga bleachers, tinabi ko yung bag ko malapit sa bag ni Margauxx.
"Ah... sorry, pagod lang... haha..." excuse ko naman sa kanya.
Another day, another PE class. Wala naman na kaming ginagawa, our test for PE is literally about sports and body parts, wala namang pressure.
"Hm, nakakapagod talaga sigurong mag-aral, 'no? O baka nakakapagod lang maging maganda, haha."
"Maganda ka rin naman, Margauxx. Mas pagod ka yata kaysa sa'kin eh."
"Sus, ang talino mo talaga, Rina. Kaya kita paborito~"
I laughed at her and her words. Pinalo ko siya sa may balikat niya.
"Paborito mo lang ako dahil ayaw mo kay Ryland."
"Tsk. Yung Benedicto naman na yun, 'kala naman niya gwapo siya. Porket gwapo lang yung tatlong kapatid niya, 'kala niya gwapo rin siya."
"Sure ka ba na wala kang crush kay Ryland?" Ako naman ang natawa this time.
Tiningnan niya agad ako nang masama dahilan para matawa ulet ako. Maybe I offended her with my question, I was just teasing just like how she teases me sometimes. I smiled widely and poked her cheeks playfully.
"Si Christian ang crush ko, Rina. Si Christian!"
"Oo na, oo na. Joke lang naman eh."
Christian must be very lucky to have Margauxx as his friend. They are both best friends, and Margauxx is in love with him. Now looking at it, the situation is pretty familiar.
"Alam niya ba?"
"Ha... oo. Matagal na, tsaka halata naman kahit 'di ko sabihin sa kanya."
How weird. Nakangiti siya pagkatapos niya 'ko sagutin. Bakit nga ba hindi ako makangiti nang ganyan kapag si Alexander ang naiisip ko? Nawawalan na rin ako nang dahilan para ngumiti ngayon na nasabi ko na sa kanya ang totoo.
"Ano namang sinabi niya?" I sighed, watching our classmates play basketball.
"Ngumiti lang siya..."
Napunta ang atensyon ko kay Alexander na naglalaro nang basketball kasama si Ryland. Abot langit ang ngiti niya nang pumasok yung bola na shinoot niya sa ring.
"Ngiti?"
"Yeah, ngiti lang. Lagi na nga lang siyang nakangiti, kahit ilang beses ko nang sabihin sa kanya, ngiti lang siya nang ngiti..." I could hear her low voice next to me.
Rinig 'kong pait sa boses niya. Something that I didn't know I would actually hear from her, I mean, it's Margauxx. She's always been hyper, positive, and just a happy-go-lucky girl.
"Inisip... niya man lang ba yung nararamdaman mo para sa kanya? I meant... your confession?"
"No."
"Bakit naman?"
Ryland whispered something to Alexander. Alexander just kept smiling and laughing, how adorable. Kaya siya mas lalong gumagwapo, mahilig kasi siyang ngumiti. I don't think I've seen him wear a different expression, nope... he was upset two days ago, wasn't he?
"I... I don't think he ever thought about it..." she paused.
I got confused. How? How did he not even think about it? Margauxx confessed and he didn't think about it? I'm confused, imposible naman kung ganun.
"Huh, Margauxx... baka pinag-isipan niya naman." tawa ko ulet na sabi.
A girl then walked in their direction, a girl I have never seen nor met before. Kinabahan ako nang konti kahit wala naman talaga akong dapat ipagkaba. God, there's a problem with me. There is really something wrong with me.
"Pinag-isipan niya, Rina. Pinag-isipan niya ngang ligawan yung crush niya."
Lumaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi ni Margauxx. That took me by surprise and the scene in front of me made me nervous. Now, both Alexander and the girl are talking to each other. 'Eto nanaman ako, nagseselos. How many times have I been jealous whenever there's a girl around him? I can't help to think about his crush too, paano 'kong siya yung mismong babaeng crush niya?
"Margauxx... what do you do to get his attention? Para mapansin ka niya?"
"Mapansin? Well, I... call his name... and I usually--"
Hindi ko na siya pinatapos at tumayo ako agad nang makita si Alexander na papalakad sa teacher na'min. It's driving me crazy, it's really driving me crazy. The girl is now talking to Ryland and the other guys, but it doesn't matter.
"Rina?" rinig kong tawag sa'kin ni Margauxx sa gilid ko.
Naglakad ako sa direksyon ni Alexander na naglalakad pa rin. I couldn't take it anymore, jealousy is driving me crazy when nothing is really happening. Baliw na siguro talaga ako, maybe it's because of all the suffering I've gone through by seeing him date Anne and be with other girls.
"Alexander." tawag ko.
Napatigil siya sa paglalakad at humarap sa'kin. Nasa akin lang ang mga mata niya, Nasa akin lang siya nakatingin, nasa akin na rin ang atensyon niya.
"Yes, Katerina?" he smiles.
God, the way his lips form that smile of his. Nawala agad ang selos ko sa loob ng dibdib ko at napalitan nang saya dahil lang sa ngiti niya.
"P-Pwede ba ta'yong mag-usap?" I asked, stuttering.
Oh shit. I just realized what I had just asked him, ano namang pag-uusapan na'min? My emotions were too much, my feelings were taking over my body and my mind just because I saw him with that girl I've never met before.
"Bakit?" he paused.
"Anong pag-uusapan na'tin?"
Hindi ako makapagsalita, hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko.
"Miranda, Cardoza." tawag sa'min nang teacher na'min na may hawak hawak na malaking box.
Binigay niya yung box kay Alexander at may binigay siya sa'king folder. Nginitian niya kaming dalawa bago siya magsimulang mag-salita.
"Kung pwede sana ibalik niyo 'tong box at yung folder sa may computer room sa third floor kung wala naman kayong ginagawa." he asked.
"N-Ngayon na po?"
"Yup, gagawin ko sana kaso kailangan kong gradean yung mga test scores niyo at presentations niyo. Make sure to comeback immediately kapag tapos na kayo, okay?" he added.
I sighed. Ngayon may kailangan kaming gawin dahil lang kailangan niyang gradean yung mga test scores na'min at presentations? But thank god sumulpot siya dahil wala akong maisagot kay Alexander. Natakot ako, ninerbyos agad ako.
We started walking towards the next building and to the computer room. But then, he started talking nang nakapasok kami sa ibang building.
"So, you're lonely again, hm?" he spoke, smiling.
"Ah... yes. Genevieve is in her feelings again." I chuckled.
"I guess, it's the pressure of her family, perhaps."
Of course, naiintindihan ni Alexander. Who knows, they are both part of the two most popular and well-influenced families in the Philippines. Which makes me wonder how could Alexander handle the pressure of the family and its name behind his back?
"I wish I could help her if it is the problem, but... I'm not like her or you. But at the same time..." I paused, struggling to find the right words due to my heartbeat.
"...baka dahil din sa problema niya sa pamilya niya, I'm pretty sure you've heard about it..." I added.
Tumango siya na may mapait na ngiti sa labi niya. Kinabahan nanaman ako, ngayon ko lang nakita ang ganyang ngiti na yan galing sa kanya. What does it mean? What does it really mean?
"Yeah, it's obvious. But hey, at least you have uhm... Margauxx with you..."
"Margauxx, yeah. She's a good classmate and friend. And you too... you're... a good friend." I added, biting my bottom lip in embarrassment.
Shit. Dapat 'di na lang ako nag-dagdag pa! Ano ba 'tong pinagsasabi ko? Am I trying to make him feel good about being my friend or flirt with him?
"Tsk, really? Really, Rina? How adorable." tawa niyang sagot.
Ano raw? Lumaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya, lumaki rin ang mga mata niya at biglang umubo pagkatapos niyang magsalita.
"Uhm... well... I'm..."
"Thank you, I... I know that..." I chuckled nervously.
"Huh, yabang mo ha..."
"Nope, you called me adorable and I'm just saying na alam ko, hindi ako nagmamayabang..."
Mukhang bumalik ang normal na conversation na'ming dalawa. We're not awkward, it's not silent anymore, it's better now. Unlike yesterday when we had a conversation about why I was ignoring him. Siguro okay na siya dahil alam niya na, alam niya na ang dahilan kung bakit.
And I... I just can't help it. I just can't help but ask him.
"You too... you also have your other friends with you..." I started the conversation again.
"You mean, Ryland? And our classmates?"
"Yeah... tsaka yung... babae..." napakagat ako nang labi.
Hindi naman na 'ko kinakabahan dahil sa babaeng y'on, okay na 'ko. Pero bakit... bakit parang hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na tanungin siya about it? It's like my feelings are growing much intense than usual, all because of a girl.
"Babae? You mean... the girl who went inside the gym earlier? She's just asking for a survey, hindi ko nga alam kung sino siya eh..." he answered.
"That's nice--" hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at nasabi ko yun.
Kinagat ko nanaman ang labi ko sa hiya. I am now hoping na sana hindi niya 'ko narinig.
Tumango na lang ako, pero lumalabas yung ngiti ko sa saya. It's just some girl he doesn't know about. Shit, shit! Kailangan 'kong kumalma o baka kung ano pang isipan niya at ang laki nang ngiti ko.
"Nice?" sabi niya tsaka siya tumigil sa paglalakad.
I stopped walking too.
"What does that suppose to mean?" he looked at me.
Wala nanaman akong maisagot. I do, but I just can't say it sa nerbyos. I was too happy when he explained who that girl was, I was TOO happy that I said something that I should've kept to myself.
"Well..."
"Well, what? What does that really suppose to mean, Rina?" nilapag niya yung box sa sahig at unti-unting lumapit sa'kin.
I know that smile, I know what that smile is.
"Well... ano nga... kasi..."
Paano ko siya sasagutin kung ganito siya kalapit sa'kin? Wag mong sabihin na hindi niya naiintindihan yung sinabi ko sa kanya kahapon? Does he not have awareness that the way he's smiling right now is gonna make me like him even more?
"I told you to use your words, didn't I?"
Huminga ako nang malalim para sagutin siya.
"I... was... a bit... jealous with you and that girl..." I finally answered, averting my eyes from him.
Natanggal ang ngiti sa labi niya pero 'di pa rin nawala ang mga mata niya sa'kin. I can feel his hot breath against mine, if he tries to lean his face then our lips would have met.
"Jealous? Katerina Grace Miranda... was jealous because I was with some girl?" naramdaman ko ang mga daliri niya sa may pisngi ko.
"What made you feel such thing, Rina?" his tone changes.
"What do you want me to do, Alexander?" I interrupted.
"Gusto kita... g-gustong... gusto kita..." I swear, there is something wrong with me.
Hindi siya sumagot pero ramdam ko pa rin ang mga mata niya sa'kin, wala na yung ngiti niya, hindi ko rin alam kung anong ibig sabihin nang ekspresyon niya ngayon.
"But... Rina." he guided my chin so I could face him.
"Don't."
My eyes widened from his words and his eyes. What does he mean by that? What does he mean by 'don't'?
"A-Ano--"
"Just don't." he interrupts with his face tightening for some reason.
"Don't... don't... fall for me, please."
He then leans his forehead next to mine with his eyes closed.
"Why..."
"Don't ask why. Don't ask, don't do anything. Just don't fall for me."