30 minutes later...
The silence breaking me apart as my eyes have not closed for more than a few seconds in the darkness of this room, I feel the heaviness in my chest crush me even harder, the thoughts torturing me, I lose the strength I was clutching onto until now, and I feel some new tears flood my eyes.
Not wanting the pillow to be wet, I put one arm under my head but cry. I barely cry, to be honest, so I know that if I do, this means something is deeply affecting me and that I am struggling, that I cannot get out of it on my own.
She is right. I love them both, I want them both for myself and cannot imagine being away from neither of them. I always avoided this, always tried to deny what I feel, what I need, and want, I always convinced myself that I am not gay, or not straight, but at the same time, that I cannot fall in love with a guy, but still would not mind to date one. So I never made sense because I was claiming one thing then claiming the opposite like an indecisive and immature dumbass.
I need to get my shit straight.
My sobs getting a little too loud through the dead silence of the night, I do my best to not wake her up, but her body rolls towards mine. She slides her arms around my waist, and her head rests on my chest. "I love you, Jungkook."
Her words make me totally burst into tears, and the weak side of me gets exposed. She comforts me and gives me so much strength. I hold her tight and wipe my tears away with my sleeve. "I love you too, y/n."
"Stop concerning yourself so much, it's gonna make you sick," she whispers, soothing me when I should be the one doing it. "We love you both, you love us both, Hojun and I like each other and are like best friends. Let's make simple things simple. Let's not change anything to what we had, what we were."
I do not say anything to only hear her and also not provoke more argument, but she moves her head over her pillow, and her lips touch mine. "You need rest."
"I love you so much. I mean it," I close my eyes, feeling more calm. "I love you too, Jungkook. I want you to sleep like a little baby tonight."
She manages to put a smile on my face, and I tighten my hold around her, feeling my entire body relax because of her.
— Next day —
Saturday, October 23rd, 2021.
12:30 pm.
"Hey," the sound of a soft voice wakes me up, my eyes opening but seeming more tired than the rest of my body. I squint them and gaze up at the angel in front of me, and the smile she gives me makes me feel like a melted candy. "You should eat lunch, it's already noon."
"Already?" I cough after harshly rasping my throat with a husky sound, and she nods but holds a lunchbox near my face as I just covered my mouth. "Your meal is here, take the time you need."
Now that I am awake, the thoughts and events of last night are coming back to ruin my mood. I breathe in and out pretty deeply, and I stretch my body, but she lands her hand on my stomach to rub it and gazes at me with one of the most solacing looks.
None of us looking away, the words she says through her eyes reach me, and I grab her hand to run my fingers over her skin, then intertwine them with hers.
As if she could feel how I feel inside, she bends over me and presses a kiss on my lips. "You're even cuter in the morning."
I chuckle but sit up, and I look at the food in the lunchbox without letting go of her hand. "Your wife cooked your favorite meal to cheer you up," she does not forget what I said yesterday but brings it up again, unknowingly fluttering my heart.
"You make me the happiest husband on earth, honey," I drop a kiss on her hand and grab a grape, but she gets another lunchbox from out of nowhere, and once she puts it down on the mattress, I giggle at the sight of what she did.
"Aw, this is so cute," I take a closer look at the rice shaped into a heart with two dried seaweed eyes, and two small hearts as if they were placed on the cheeks of the character's face. I peck her cheek but eat a piece of strawberry. "I don't want to break it, it's too cute," I get hold of my phone and take a picture of this. "I'm happy that you like it."
"How could I not?" I chew on the fruit, the sweetness of it brightening up my day. She eats what she cooked and did for us as well without saying anything more, so I keep quiet too and enjoy this meal.
I pick two grapes that taste better than the ones I buy for myself, and I get my phone on the side to peek at her.
She is already working. I thought food would be able to stop her, but I guess not. Wondering what she is studying, I lean towards her and check what this says.
"What are you doing?" I ask in a low voice, running my eyes over the lines. "Re-reading the notes I wrote during art history."
"Hm," I read them too but often set my eyes on her features while she is too busy to even notice me. I love her handwriting a lot. It makes me want to have books that are written by her only. This is just so pretty.
I am not awake enough to be bothered by school work now though, so I focus on eating and sharing this moment with her.
I do not want to ignore the torment that Hojun must be going through all on his own right now, but I cannot randomly ask him if he is doing okay by text, I need to make sure I know what I want, and that I am ready to talk about it seriously without leaving and telling him 'I don't know'.
I could ask y/n to text him and talk to him instead of me though, she can have a normal conversation with him. I am the one who caused him to feel like that, so I cannot leave him alone with the pain I could see through his eyes last night. I know for sure that he cried all night, so this weighs on me even more heavily when I think about it.
I promised him that I would never let anyone hurt him again, or that I would never hurt him but be there for him at all cost, so I have to show him that I never break a promise but that he can always trust me.
"You're loud," y/n says out of the blue. I grab a piece of pancake but gaze at her. "Loud?"
"Yes. I can hear you overthinking," her lips curve up, and she turns her head to exchange looks with me. "He is okay, he just hopes you're not going to act different towards him."
She is in my head. The opposite cannot be possible. She knows exactly what goes on with me, and how badly worried I still am now that I left the peaceful dreamland I wanted to stay in forever.
"I'm gonna talk to him after taking a shower and stuff," I choose to do, feeling a bit better than last night about this. "What are you going to tell him?"
I exhale quite sharply and get a small amount of food in my mouth. "You were right right from the beginning, but I think we should not let this ruin our friendship but still act the way we used to together, however, I will ask him if he wants to try something with us. I'm not against the three of us being together, but I never did it, so I'm not very confident about it..."
"Why? What scares you?" she listens to me, being considerate, and maybe even a little too much. She makes me feel like I matter as much as she does, and it gives me so much relief to be in a relationship like this because I feel listened to and important. She also is always open to any talk, which makes it so much easier to communicate. She does not sulk or get upset once an argument happens, so that is very significant.
"I'm scared that one of us might feel left out at some point, but there is also...the issue with...intimacy. I don't think I won't be jealous if you both ever have some makeout session or this type of stuff without me because, for some reason, I can easily share him with you, but I cannot easily share you with him..." I glance at her, hearing how stupid I sound. "I understand you, don't worry. That's why you need to talk it out with him, then if he thinks that he is for it and that he wants to try that, we should talk all together about it. This is very important to communicate in a couple, but when we are three, this is even more important."
"Yeah, I just want to make it clear with him that if it ever ends up not working that way, that we'll have to stay friends like we were until now," I agree with her, feeling delighted about the fact that she understands me. "That's a good thing. I love to hear you say that. This night seems to have helped you, but remember that Hojun and I are just friends for now so we're not gonna start kissing and touching each other overnight, and as I said, you'll maybe realize that platonic love is better for the both of you because more just doesn't work out."
"I know, but this will happen at some point if this works between us. And yeah, that's exactly what I thought," I nod and feed my stomach, but she lays her hand on my thigh. "Are you sure this is what you want though? Don't do something just for me or him, okay? Do what makes you happy as well."
"I know, this is what I want too. You both make me happy," I smile but place my hand over hers to caress her skin with mine. "But will that make you happy as well? Is this what you really want?"
"It is, I'm happy with both of you, and I care a lot about Hojun, I like him a lot as well, so I know I'll never regret my decision," she gives me her word so that none of us come back on this and wish we had not done things that way. "Honestly, I feel like I'm always there to help, support, and give Hojun the love he deserves, but he's also here to support me, brighten up my mood, to help me be a better person, to calm down, to be less immature, and then you, you make me feel loved, you support me, you help me so much, you brighten up my mood, you also are there for Hojun, you help him, you support him and give him the love he never got from a girl, and I try my best to be here for you as well, to support you, to make you feel as loved as you deserve it, I try my best to protect you...and I feel like this is amazing to be three and love, help, and support each other so much. It isn't often that you can cherish this type of relationship with two people at the same time."
"You make me love you even more," she leans over me and squeezes me in a warm embrace, so I give her the same in return and kiss her forehead. "I love you to the moon and back already."
She giggles in my chest but gazes up at me, shrinking the distance between our lips. "This sounds cheesy, but since it's from you, I love it."
I chuckle but kiss her lips, and I grab a grape to feed her.
•••
1:10 pm.
"See you later, if you don't mind me being here," I hold the door open but smile at her, and she gazes up at me with her glasses on her nose bridge. "I do mind it a lot, so come back soon, please."
"I love you," I say to make sure she hears it again, and she sends me a flying kiss. "I love you too," the most meaningful words that I will never get tired of hearing hit my heart, and I purse my lips to give her a kiss too. Then I leave the room and hurry to get out of here.
She made me feel so much more confident about this matter, she removed all of my doubts, and I know what I want now without being scared of anything. I am learning things because of her, she might make me a better person with her open mind, her ability to stay calm even in stressful situations, and how attentive she is to others' feelings.
Anyway, I am now standing in front of Hojun's door. I hope his roommate is not here, but it is we are on Saturday, so I highly doubt he is not out or away right now.
No matter the answer to this, I knock on the door, and I wait until he opens it.
As y/n told me, I just have to be honest with him, and nothing will go wrong.
Once the door opens and that Hojun's small face comes within sight, I look into his eyes. "Hey, can we talk?" I flatten my hand over the frame, feeling oddly ill at ease. I hope this will be less tense after our clearing things out.
He nods to me and lets me in, so I walk forward and check the bed that is not his. Good thing, he is alone.
I take my shoes off now that the door is closed, and he moves up to his bed, silently, and slowly. When I see him like that, I just want to take him in my arms and give him a hug. Knowing that I can get on his bed too, I sit next to him, and I hold my hands together.
I have to initiate it.
"I thought about what you told me a lot. I don't know if y/n told you, but we had a talk last night, and we talked again this morning so things are cleared up with her, and since you know how I am, you must have expected me to come as fast as I could and not wait until Monday to talk to you," I look at him, hoping to get a reaction, but the only thing he does is gaze at me in the most heartbreaking manner, and he nods, listening to my words without saying anything. He must be anxious.
"You know that I love you a lot too, right?" I do not hesitate to say those words and remind him of the most important, but he stares and does nothing else this time. I guess I should just get to the point. "I talked about this with y/n, and she made me realize...I mean, not realize it because this is a dumb word here but...I just need and love both of you, not as a friend only, so I want to try something with you. We both want to. We want to try being in a relationship with you, if you want to try too, but before you answer and tell me what you think, I want to make it clear that if this doesn't work out for whatever reason, that we'll just go back to what we were until now. Alright?" I ask a question to make him know I am waiting for him to speak, but he breaks eye contact.
"Are you sure this is okay for you both? As I said, I don't want you to change things just for me, I'm not asking for anything more because I'm happy with the way it is now and wouldn't want to ruin your relationship again," he skips the sentences that mentioned the talk I had with y/n about this, so I repeat myself to put his mind at rest. "I am very sure, Hojun. You know me. I wouldn't lie and risk hurting any of you."
His sprawling, dark brown eyes stare into mine, but as soon as the corners of his lips turn up, he glances down as if he did not want me to see it.
Not hearing his voice anymore and wondering what he is thinking of, I keep my eyes on him and give him the time to figure out what is best for him. Once he heaves one hand, which is hidden by his large sleeve, up to his face, I get why he lowered his chin. He wipes his cheek and raises his eyes up but avoids looking at me. "Are you sure you're not doing this out of pity for me because you don't wanna hurt me?"
I hold back from sighing and inch closer to him. I wrap my arms around his body and give him what he must have missed. "Stop saying such things. I meant what I said. That isn't pity, I truly want this."
He does not respond but quietly sobs, so I slightly move back but set my eyes on him and place my hand over his, that he is not using to wipe his tears away. "I'm sorry if I hurt you with my behavior or words last night, I was not expecting that, and it took me by surprise to say the least. Then all the emotions, the stress, the things I had to take into consideration, they all overwhelmed me, and I couldn't think straight."
"Don't say sorry," his small trembling voice breaks my heart, so I smile and raise his head. "Stop crying. It's over now. We talked it out, so we know what each other feels."
"Yeah," he calms down, and now that he is okay, and I know my heart is not going to end into pieces after being fixed like glass with tape, I ask what I was worried about this week. "Is that the reason why you were so weird since last week?"
He confirms with a movement of his head, and I let a 'tsk' out. "You should have told me earlier."
"I know, but I was scared, and I wanted you both to have some time alone," he tells me, but I drop it and do not make this become an argument again. "Well, it's over now, but now that we are together with y/n, you have to talk about what worries you. Alright? Communicate and don't keep anything to yourself. We're both here to listen to you."
He smiles, finally, and my lips curve up in the same direction. "It feels weird to hear you say it."
"What? That we're together? I always called you my baby boy though," I mention, and his features reflect what I love to see on him. Happiness. "Yeah. You're right."
"So, we're together now? You want to try, right?" I ask again to get the answer from him, and he nods without thinking twice. "That means...you don't simp over anyone else but me."
"What about y/n?" he peeks down at my lips but grins. True. I am not used to it yet. "Well...you can but not yet. Okay?"
"What if I already did?" he gazes into my eyes with his shiny ones, but once he notices that I am not answering, he smiles and leans towards me to hug me. "I'm joking."
"Yeah, I know what you have on your mind all the time, my boy," I do not even doubt that he already must have done it, even if it was not serious, but he chuckles and moves back to look at me. "I just love the girl she is, I never met one like her, and...she makes me feel really good," he toys with his fingers. "But don't worry, I simp over you only," he pulls on the bottom of his hoodie. "Y/n won't ever simp over me anyway."
"Shut up," I slap his thigh. "I bet that she'd kill you if she knew you said that bullshit."
"You don't know, she only said that I'm cute so far," he moves back to rest his body on the wall, and I exhale but poke my inner cheek with my tongue, but the piercing gets right on my teeth. "You're attractive as fuck. Got it? If you think otherwise, you don't have the right to call me daddy again, understood?"
"Understood, I'm attractive. The most attractive boy on earth," he quickly changes his mind. "After you of course."
"I love this more," I pat his calf and look at his nightstand. "Have you eaten lunch?"
"Not yet," he shakes his head. "Dammit. I should have come here earlier. Y/n made the cutest lunchbox ever, look at this," I get my phone out of my pocket to show him the picture I took earlier, and once I find it, I put the screen in front of him.
"That's so cute," he giggles at it. "She's gonna do that type of stuff for you now, I know it," I lock my phone and check if y/n texted me before putting it back in my pocket. Since everything is back to normal now, I stand up and look into his fridge to see what he has to eat.
I open the door, and with no surprise at all, I see chocolate milk everywhere. There are also some sandwiches, sausages, rice balls. Convenience store food only, I should order something.
I take my phone out again and go back to where I was. "Is there something you'd love to eat right now?" I pick a website to order his meal. "Nothing really special," he comes closer and rests his chin on my shoulder. "What are you doing?"
"Ordering your favorite," I look for it, scrolling through everything that does not even tempt me that much after the food I ate. "No need to."
"Yes need to," I do not listen to his words that my ears do not want to let in, and in a few seconds, the order and payment are made. "Do you want to eat in y/n's room?"
"She's probably studying at this hour, I don't wanna bother her," he says the same exact sentence I would have said if someone asked me this question, but since I know what y/n thinks about this, I give a small chuck under his chin. "She literally told me to come back as soon as possible."
"You, not—"
"Ugh," I cut him off, rudely, but for a good reason. "We need to have a talk all together anyway, so if you're ready, we can have it today."
"I am," he does not ask for more time after this one step was made. "Good, we'll go to her room once the food is here, but I need to get into clean clothes because I took a shower but wore these," I rise from the bed. "You should take your books and notes too, we could study together since she helps you a lot."
"I will," he does not move but stays focused on me, so I stick my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants. "Good, I gotta get changed now. The guy should be here in thirty minutes."
"Alright," he hears me but stays still, so I smile and head back to the door. "See you—"
"Wait," he stops me, so I hold the handle of the door but glance at him, and he follows the steps I made to come up to me. "What's wrong?" I gaze down at his features, but he moves forward to put his arms around me.
Without even realizing it, I smile, and I return this embrace to hold his smaller body against mine. "I'll do everything to not ruin this...I promise you. I hope I'll be able to make y/n and you happy as much as you both do it for me," his words full of sincerity leaves his mouth in a small voice, his heart pounding into his chest that is exposing me and reverberating against my torso, I rub my hand up and down his back. "You both make us happy already, Hojun."
He does not add anything more but stays in my arms for a little longer, so I close my eyes to relax with him and finally feel what I needed. After a few seconds that were silent but loud in emotions, he drifts apart from me. "I'm not holding you back anymore."
"It felt good," I make sure he does not feel like he bothered me, and once his eyes brighten his face with stars, I step aside. "See in some minutes, my baby," I step out but peek at him before closing the door, and his smile unburdens me. Everything is like before now, and that is all I wanted.
•••
2:20 pm.
I knock on the door of y/n's room as Hojun and I are waiting in front of it, and she opens in short seconds. "Oh, no," she greets us in the most heart-warming manner, so I make sure to return it and throw one arm around her since I need the other to hold the food for Hojun. "I know you're happy to see me again," I squeeze her and lift her up, and while carrying her in, I take my shoes off and push the door with my foot to close it.
"Let's get on the bed," I bring her to it and put the food down. "Since you're a baby," I look at Hojun and grab the only chair that there is in this room to place it in front of the bed. "You'll eat on this," I get the food out of the bag and put it on this flat surface since I would not want him to stain our girl's linen.
"Okay," he smiles, but since I know he has to show y/n something, I move aside and let him walk up to her with the box he has. "This is for you," he hands the black item to her, and she takes it.
She must know what it is since he talked about it yesterday, but she still joyfully opens it and removes the protection from the shoes that I already saw.
"Oh my- They're so pretty!" she takes one out of it, her eyes sparkling with awe. "I've never seen these anywhere. Thank you so much, I'm so happy," she gives him another hug for this gift, beaming and expressing authentic delight. "They're custom, so I asked many questions to Jungkook to know what type of design you'd love, but he didn't what it was for," he explains to her, showing some shyness whenever she hugs or touches him.
"They're amazing, no one ever gave me such a gorgeous unique type of gift," she scans them as she seems to be more excited than I expected her to be.
"I'm gonna be scared to wear them though," she gazes up at him. "Hey, shoes are made to be worn, so don't worry."
She smiles but gets her feet out of the bed and grabs both shoes to put them on.
"Imagine the size doesn't fit," I watch her put them on, but she does not even care, she ties them, and once it is done, she stands up and walks around the room. My baby is so adorable.
"They look even better with your clothes," he pays attention to her black oversized hoodie that makes it look like she is not wearing anything underneath, but I agree with him. "I love it," she stands in front of her mirror to check herself out, going back and forth to try to see her body from every angle.
I smile at the sight of her behavior, but my eyes take a load of her bare legs, her thighs. Each time I have my eyes on them or think about them, I can only remember how strong she claimed they were. I had them around my waist, I was between them, and I cannot deny that they did crush me, but I loved it.
Suddenly, she throws her feet up towards my face and gets me out of my fantasies. "What are you thinking about?" she smiles but goes back on her bed. "About you," I do not even hide it, and my honesty causes her to become quiet.
I want to sit down with them now though. I join my two babies and sit right between them. Hojun is having lunch at a late hour, and y/n is untying her shoes to take them off.
"I can't wait to wear them. I'm going to clean them every day," she already plans on pampering them as if they were a precious gem, and I chuckle but understand. I am broke, so I would definitely do that as well.
Since I do not have anything to say but just listen to them, I lean back on the wall and check on Hojun.
He is enjoying his meal for sure, but his eyes are often peeking at her. He must be relieved to know that she loves them, I am certain that he must have been anxious about it, which is why he could not keep it as a surprise to the full. He would have been hurt if her reaction had low-key expressed some discontent.
"They need a special spot," she leaves the bed to find a corner of the room where she can put them, and she heads towards the mirror that is standing some feet away before us. "I'll take a pic to post it on Instagram tonight," she bends over to lay them on the floor, so I leer at her since no one can catch me, and once she walks away to get to her desk, I peek at Hojun but see him lick his fingers and focus a bit too much on her legs.
He has the right to do it, but still. I land my hand on his back to slide it up to his neck, and his eyes instantly drift towards me, so I lean closer to him and knead the nape of his neck. "Is it good?"
"It is, chicken always makes my day," he picks another piece of it up and shoves it in some sauce to take a bite. I smile but retreat once y/n comes back next to me, and I glide my hand down to his lower back. "Are you still studying?"
"Yes, I have to," she grabs her book to go back to this annoying task, so I leave her alone and just read what is written while fiddling with the material of Hojun's hoodie.
"What was the talk we had to have together?" Hojun asks, looking at us both after swallowing. I glance at y/n since she is the one who said we should have one. "Well, I want us to establish some type of rules. Like, not really rules but things that we have to stick to and respect so that none of us ever gets upset. For instance, we should always speak out if something bothers us and that we are not alright with it."
"Okay, I understand," Hojun nods to her, and he brings one leg up on the bed. "Are you ready to have it now?"