They were on the college campus, sequestered away because Mil and his friends had been practising music. Phukong had meant to leave but he had still been there even when it ended.
"I know what we can play," Mil told his group.
"Which one?" Satta asked.
"ติดตรงที่ฉัน"
Some of his friends looked over where Phukong was sitting. One of them shook his head and said, "If we do Tilly Birds then why not เบื่อคนขี้เบื่อ?"
Mil considered it and then nodded. "We can try out both. What do you all say?"
Phukong was playing on his phone while everyone in the band gave their comments or did 'ooh-aah' with what sounded like they could do as เบื่อคนขี้เบื่อ played.
When ติดตรงที่ฉัน started playing, Phukong had enough of it and walked out of the place, hurt.
You text all the HELLOs, all the GOODNIGHTs
Sending love and care every day and night
Mil came outside looking for him.
You make me smile though my heart is shattered
You're so kind to me, I'm flattered
Mil pulled him back by the elbow to his surprise and to his shock.
Phukong nearly stumbled into the kiss, eyes wide before he slowly closes his eyes.
But the thing is my heart is still in pieces
Thanks to you, my happiness increases
They kiss in the shadow of the tree, loud music playing around them.
But there's someone my heart misses
Mil was the first one to pull back and look into Phukong's eyes and said not so unkindly, "You know I don't like you, right?"
He watched as Phukong's face fell.
Please don't ask, don't rush me into things
"Won't you like me later?"
"We can't wait till that happens because..." Mil paused considering if he should finish saying what he wanted to and then says it anyway, "it may never."
Don't ask me if I ever feel our flings
Phukong laughed, bitterness slightly tinting it. "You're cruel."
Mil looked at him with more concern. "I warned you at the start, kid."
I'm not ready, it's not you, it's me
Phukong tried to take a deep breath and shuddered. "Okay," he says helplessly.
My heart is not where it needs to be
What else could he say?
Please understand what I go through
Phukong tried to blink his tears back and started to walk away.
I never want to disappoint you
I just need some time
Before my heart is back to the prime
The thing is my heart is still in pieces
.
.
.
He made it to a certain distance before letting his tears fall.
He knew this was the only way it would have ended then why did it still hurt?
Why did no amount of preparation for it make it less?
He was pulled back by the elbow yet again.
"Hey..." Mil trailed off, concern written all over his face after noticing his tears.
(Sorry for not letting go)
Phukong laughed as he wipes off his tears roughly off his cheeks, feeling a little pathetic and said self-depreciatingly, lying through his teeth, "I'm ok." He mumbled. "I'll be ok."
(Sorry for not letting you in)
Mil just stared at him, not letting go of his elbow and then finally said,
(Sorry for not letting go)
"Let's go out and have something."
(Sorry for not letting you in)
"What?"
"I'm hungry and I'm sure you are as well. Let's go."
Please don't ask, don't rush me into this
Confused, Phukong followed him still unable to distance himself from Mil. Still hoping for a miracle... for Mil to change his mind.
Don't ask me if I ever want your kiss
*
Mil took him to the nearest night market.
To Phukong's surprise, they didn't sit in awkward silence because Mil tried to make regular conversation - asking him about his (very nonexistent) friends, and studies and even trying to make Phukong laugh.
Mil tried to cheer him up after yet again breaking his heart.
He thought about the countless number of times Sarawat told him to stay away from Mil for so many reasons but he was beginning to think what Tine had told him was the reason he should pay attention more to.
His mobile pinged with a new notification. Tine had sent some images. He tapped on the LINE icon.
Did you go back home? Wat is looking for you
It was followed by new images and photos clearly just taken. At the forefront of it were his P' Sarawat and Tine and in the background, their friends midway through drinking, laughing at the camera.
In the third photo, Sarawat was gazing at Tine with the most smitten eyes.
He had wanted this with Mil. He wanted this with someone.
Phukong didn't even expect to be the one stared at with such love. He was okay to shower that love on someone as long as they wanted him.
Sometimes he wished Mil was the lying type and would lead him on. Phukong would have been happy to play blind just to have that little love for a moment.
Phukong turned off the screen of his phone and asked Mil, staring straight at him, "Do you still like Tine?"
Mil who was pushing his fork around on the plate looks up in surprise, mulled over the question and then asked in return, "Would it make a difference if I said yes?"
Phukong snorted and laughed bitterly. "You're really an asshole."
"Sorry"
"No, you're not. Don't start lying now."
Phukong pushed his plate away and got off the stool, pocketing his phone.
"Phukong! Phuk-"
Phukong turned around, snatched his nom yen from the table, and says, "You can pay for me one last time."
He hurried out.
He was in such a daze that he walked into some seniors. He apologised distractedly and speed-walked his way back to his campus hostel.
Mil didn't stop or call him from the back this time.
*
The next day, Mil called him several times but Phukong didn't receive it. He thought Mil was calling to apologise.
A few hours later, Phukong changed his mind and wondered if Mil had changed his mind. So, Phukong called Tine to distract Sarawat and headed to the Architecture department completely oblivious to the fact that there was foul play afoot. That he could be targeted to get to his brother.
*
The first hit had been a shock. The second one had been painful and somewhere after that, he had grown numb from the constant shower of fists and kicks.
His brother had shown up like a true saviour and Tine and Mil at some other point.
Phukong thought he really was dumb. Mil had been calling him to warn and he had thought Mil wanted to change his mind about him.
Phukong was foolish.
*
They were at a local pub celebrating the end of their academic year. Nearly everyone from their university was there.
When Sarawat had finished singing for Tine on stage, Mil had turned to Phukong and said,
"To answer your question, yes."
Phukong gave him a quizzical look. "What?"
Mil put down the empty glass of whisky on the table next to Phukong. "I have moved on from Tine."
Then he backed away from Phukong with a cryptic expression and then walked onto the stage with Tine and others.
Phukong had not been expecting Mil to bring up the topic again. All these months, he had stayed fairly distant behaving the way a classmate who wasn't your friend did.
Hearing Mil sing the lines from Scrubb's Click did something to Phukong.
I never thought I'd have such a good day with you by my side like this
When he looked at Phukong and smiled and sang the line,
(I'll tell you what's inside) what we are thinking
Or, the,
If today we ended things, it'd probably be a mistake
When I found someone who was drawn to be my perfect match
I've never met anyone not too left, not too right, not too perfect
Not pessimistic or demanding
But something about you is extraordinary
Phukong recalled Tine's words to himself. If someone liked us and wanted to be with us they would put all their effort into it. Just like Sarawat had. Just like Phukong had himself.
And, Mil had made it clear that he didn't and would not like Phukong that way. He had put more effort into that than anything else.
*
When the stage had been abandoned for a general quiet party, Mil had wandered over to him.
"How was it? Tine practised a lot for your brother."
Phukong wondered why Mil was there next to him instead of his friends.
"Good for him." Then he amended, "good for them both," he said curtly.
Mil sighed and then asked, "Do you still want to date me?"
Phukong to his own shock said, "No, I don't want to be your second choice."
"It's not like that."
"Why are we even having this conversation now after all these months? I wasn't your choice."
"Is it because you no longer like me?"
"I still do." Mil looks at him surprised. Phukong continues, "You didn't actually expect me to say that, did you?"
"Yeah."
"If u don't like me like that I'm fine with just me liking you. Give it some time and I won't."
"Would you?"
"Would I what?"
"Not like me anymore?"
Phukong looks at him for a while and turns his face away, looking down at his beer glass. "I don't know."
"Why do you even like me? I am not a good guy."
"Why can't you be one?"
Several expressions of emotions flitted through Mil. He asked himself why can't he be.
"I can't change myself just because I want to."
"Have you ever tried?" Phukong asked, tired of the fruitless but hurtful conversation.
Mil is left stunned.
Unaware of himself, that day when Mil had walked out of the pub he had begun to change as a person.
*
*
*
Phukong and Mil are walking side by side on the campus lawns. Mil has his hands behind his back and Phukong is gesturing endlessly trying to explain what his friends are doing for Altermajeeb this year.
Through Mil, Phukong had started making friends with the then first-year Architecture and Engineering department students. Seems like now in his third year, Phukong has been able to maintain and expand his social life.
Mil tells Phukong in exchange how he dropped out of his Master's program and is now working in a firm to support his sister.
Phukong looks at him in utter surprise. "I didn't know you have a sister." Mil shrugs. Then he adds sincerely, "you are a good man."
Mil's lips curve up in a slight smile. "I am trying to be."
To his disappointment, Phukong is called away.
Phukong smiles at him, waving before he jogs back to the stage being set up at the end of the field.
Mil thinks as he looks at Phukong helping with cultural activities the reason why he has improved and started taking responsibility in his life is that a simple question had been asked to him.
Why wouldn't he be a better person if he tried?
Mil hadn't been able to stop thinking about those words. They haunted his every action ever since.
And since then, every day he has tried.
Sometimes when the choice becomes difficult he wonders how Phukong would react to it and proceeds accordingly.
Mil thinks he is his moral compass just like his name - the police captain of his morals.
I've spent my whole life catching up
But what if there's nothing to catch up to?
Mil smiles at the song which has started playing on the speakers. He knows this one.
As he watches Phukong run across the lawn to help his friends and volunteers with Altermajeeb decorations, Mil mouths along with the next lines,
What if I've been right where I need to be?
Phukong glances over his shoulders and smiles at him again. Mil gives him a thumbs up.
Being on track always felt so strange to me
Mil feels proud for some reason to see the younger boy grow out of his shell. He is aware that somewhere his hurting Phukong helped speed up that process. He wishes he could have done better by the one person who had seen something good in him.
Mil turns away, smiling as the breeze blows and the swaying grass touches his feet. Someone comes running with a lawnmower.
Don't waste a second, guessing
Not everything's always your fault
Life's not always simple
You don't have to hate yourself
Mil looks back over his shoulder at a laughing Phukong who is helping some of the volunteers move the instruments up the stage.
Tell me all about your friends
And every place you've ever been
I'm dying to know your voice
Like the back of my hand
He wonders if the younger boy would say yes now if he asked him out. He continues to walk away, head turned up, smiling at the blue sky with clouds strewn across it. It is beautiful sunny weather with lots of laughter and upbeat music floating in the background.
Mil thinks he does like Phukong like that now.
The speaker continues playing as he continues to walk away:
And tell me how the hell you've been
Life's too short so keep a grin
I hope you're doing what you love
And love whoever you're there with
a/n: No, Phukong and Mil don't get together. In the original draft, Sarawat was supposed to try and play matchmaker with him and First (if you remember his appearance in the story here) but I decided to scratch it off. There is no one else in their story but they're also not together in the end. Hehe.
Up next, the final chapter: Man and Type after a time jump/skip featuring Sarawatine