"So," Cheryl says mouth in a wide smile as she places two cups of tea on the couch table (Yes, they have something as fancy as a couch table now.) before (gracefully, Toni has literally no idea how she does it) flopping down on the sofa. "Now that we're house owners, what's your first move gonna be?"
"Well, Cheryl," Toni replies as she starts playing with her girlfriend's hands, "If your home is your castle I'd like to turn ours into a place fit for two queens."
They have a couch table, a sofa, a bed. That's about it. (They have a home now, though. A home. And it's entirely theirs.)
"But first, there's an issue more pressing..."
She leans forward, Cheryl reciprocates and soon their lips meet in a sweet kiss.
They kiss in many ways. Heated, chaste, lingering, rushed, head, neck, shoulder, breast, good morning, goodbye. In whatever way they kiss it's almost always enjoyable.
The series of kisses initiated by Toni after moving into their first shared space has a clear purpose. And Cheryl can tell by the way Toni's hands don't remain on her hands what the purpose is. She sighs as Toni kisses down her neck, and bites her lower lip. If the past few weeks are any indication she knows they'll end up all hot and bothered, desperate for breath. Only, now they have their own place. Which means that they don't have to stop at this possibly unpleasant point by any means.
It excites Cheryl to think they might take it further tonight. The farthest they can go, really. At least in Cheryl's limited experience.
Toni helps her with pulling her shirt over her head, leaving her long hair tangled. She doesn't mind terribly. The look in her girlfriend's eyes makes her slip her hands beneath the smaller girl's shirt, up her torso. Toni moans.
Cheryl's excited. She loves drawing those sounds from Toni, knowing that they're reserved for her, and her only. Toni cups her left breast through her bra, and she rewards her with a moan of her own. With Toni Cheryl can be deliciously vulnerable. She loves it.
They continue to kiss and explore for a while. The couch (red, of course) is comfortable enough. Somewhere down the line Toni's shirt comes off. And Cheryl knows where this is leading and...
And then she opens her eyes, but Toni isn't there. Suddenly the sweet touches of her best friend turn into rough gropes, undoubtedly leaving bruises all over the sole Blossom twin's fair skin. She freezes, unable to move. How would she? She's been drugged. Again. Her mother's disappointed face flashes in front of her eyelids as she closes her eyes briefly to escape her roofied reality. Nothing really happened to Cheryl.
Her eyes tear up and she keeps them closed. Maybe, if she just lets it happen, it will be over soon. Maybe after, he'll just go. Nothing is really happening to her, after all.
It goes on for a few split seconds or so – it feels like hours to Cheryl – and then the hands are off. The pressure of this... imbecile's body against hers vanishes. The bed squeaks from him getting up. Her heart is beating so loudly she can hear the drumming sound echoing through her ears, shutting out all other noise. She only hears silence. Silence and her heart. She counts to ten and opens her eyes, hoping he's gone now.
He is.
There's somebody else there, actually.
Toni, dressed only in a bra and jeans, one pigtail partly undone, crouched in front of where Cheryl's lying on the bed, a distressed look on her face.
"Cher?," the smaller girl whispers uncertainly.
Cheryl sits up, letting her gaze wander around the room. It hits her like lightning. It wasn't real.
Nick St. Clair isn't here. This isn't the unfortunate party. This isn't Pembroke.
Toni is here. This is the day they've bought their first home together. This is their trailer. This is home. They were just about to– And now Cheryl's ruined it.
She can't stop the tears from coming. Her hands come up to shield her eyes. Toni must be so disappointed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she sobs, over and over, rocking back and forth as she does.
Of course, Toni is by her side almost immediately. Cheryl doesn't deserve her. Her mother was right. She doesn't deserve Toni wrapping her arms around her, resting her cheek against Cheryl's back as she beats herself up internally.
Toni doesn't say anything, just holds her as she cries.
Cheryl hates herself for ruining their first day of complete freedom, yet she can't stop herself from crying. The shock is too deep. It's like it's happened all over again.
She remembers the way Veronica and Josie avoided her after the incident. She remembers Veronica just letting her go back home with the mother, who'd treated the event pretty much equal to the time a boy put gum in Cheryl's hair in elementary school. She remembers Josie calling her for guy advice the day after, not wasting one question on Cheryl's well-being. She remembers shaving her legs that night, thinking that maybe Ophelia only succeeded because she didn't send out a text to her friend first. That maybe, she could succeed if she really tried. That night, she thought about Sweeney Todd and how easily his blade cut through his victims' throats. She got a fresh blade from the cabinet and held it to her throat, surveying the best place to cut in the mirror. She looked terrible. No make up, eyes red and puffy from another bout of crying after Josie hung up on her. She took a breath in. This time, she thought, determined. And then her Nana called her for the match of chess she'd promised earlier, and she remembered that she couldn't just leave her with her poor excuse of a mother.
Cheryl can't look at Toni.
If Cheryl had, for once, gone through with something that fateful night she probably wouldn't have to. But now that she's here, now that she's chosen life (twice), chosen life with Toni (forever), she has to. It's inevitable. She can't put it off forever.
She pulls away from her girlfriend's embrace, pushing the dark thoughts to the back of her head. "Sorry," she repeats, her hand wiping at her eyes. It leaves her with dark stains on the back of it. "I-I thought I was ready..."
Toni isn't mad. She never is. God, how Cheryl wishes she was mad sometimes! She can deal with mad and hatred. Reciprocate it. Be a bully, be a bitch. But Toni's never mad. She always tells her she understands and to take her time. (She probably doesn't know it breaks Cheryl's heart, in the good way, every time). She cups Cheryl's cheek with one of her hands.
"Don't be. It's okay, yeah?"
Cheryl believes her. Toni doesn't lie, not to her. By the look in Toni's eyes she can tell that there's something else waiting to be said. It isn't said. Toni simply brushes tears away with her thumb. Then the redhead sees it. Worry.
"Toni, I..." Cheryl wants to say the right thing. Whatever will make Toni stop worrying and be happy again. She hates it when she causes Toni to be sad. She only ever wants her to be happy. Toni deserves all the happiness, and more. "I'm sorry. I... it's really not about you. I just..."
"You remembered something?," Toni finishes. "Something that happened at Magdalene Asylum?"
It's an easy out. Cheryl can nod and be done with it. Toni never pushes when it comes to what happened in 'therapy'. It's all her choice, what she shares, and when. It's an easy out.
Cheryl shakes her head. She won't lie to Toni.
"Something that happened before..." She breathes in. It's at the tip of her tongue. Her throat tightens.
Toni takes one of her hands and starts to caress it. She's always soft with Cheryl. Even when they're rough, she's soft. "You don't have to tell me, Cher. Whenever you're ready."
The four words have become but a mantra between the two of them. Cheryl often uses them to postpone talking. It just hurts too much. Tonight, though, she wants to talk. She wants to tell her why she put her off when there's really no reason to.
"It... uh... It happened a few months ago. I was at a party at the Lodge's," Cheryl begins, her grip on Toni's hand tight. She can't meet her eyes, so she looks at their hands instead. Toni's hands are so small, yet Cheryl's always fits perfectly. It's amazing to her. "An old classmate of Veronica's was there, Nick St. Clair..."
She remembers him clearly, standing there. Getting her champagne. She felt so stupid for putting trust in him. She couldn't trust anyone after that.
"He... he drugged me."
Toni gasps. Loudly. "Oh my god, Cher. Did he...?"
"No! No, no, no," Cheryl denies, shaking her head as if her life depends on it. In a way it does. "No, Veronica and Josie stopped him, before..." Again, she has to breathe in to steady herself. She blinks. Toni is still here with her. She's safe. "So basically, nothing really happened," she finishes weakly, repeating the all too familiar words.
Now, Toni blinks. When she opens them her eyes are wide. Her jaw's also dropped. "Pardon?"
Cheryl cowers immediately, the word a harsh reminder of the times she let her tongue slip in front of her mother, and the punishment it caused.
"Oh shit..." Toni runs a hand through her pink curls ruining the last remainder of her braid. "I mean... Cher, I'm just... that's not nothing. That's definitely not nothing."
The way Toni shakes her head makes Cheryl feel incredibly guilty for bringing it up. She bites her lower lip, her hand reaching for her girlfriend's.
"It's fine, TT. Really. It happened. It's done. I dealt with it..."
"Alone," Toni finishes, voice void of emotion.
Cheryl swallows. She will say no more.
Toni sighs, filling the momentary silence that has build between them. She puts her other hand on top of Cheryl's. Eventually their eyes meet again.
"Cheryl," Toni says, and her tone is serious, "I can't evaluate your... experience for you. However, I think what just happened showed that you're not over with it."
Cheryl tries to pull her hand away along with her gaze, but Toni won't let her.
"I wanna help you. Damn it, Cheryl, I love you. I love you like I've never loved anybody..." That gets her attention. "I love you so much that... when you hurt, I feel like I hurt with you. Does that make sense?"
Promptly, Cheryl nods. Because it does make sense. She feels it whenever Toni goes out with the Serpents and returns with bruises and the occasional split lip.
Toni smiles sadly. It's not like Cheryl says anything when she holds a bag of frozen peas to her girlfriend's face. It's not like she has to.
"I wish I could take that pain away," the pink haired girl whispers, "But I can't. I can help you, though, if you let me in."
Cheryl licks her lips. She thinks about the nuns, and how little their talking helped her. She thinks about the therapist she was briefly going to after Jason's corpse was found. He didn't help her, either.
(She thinks about Jason holding her as she cried, after their mother drove Heather out of their hose and later, out of Riverdale all together. It helped. A little.)
"I want to," she whispers. "I don't know how."
Toni cups her cheek. "That's okay. We'll figure it out. Together."
Cheryl leans into the touch. "Together," she echoes.
"Okay?"
"Okay." Their foreheads press together, Toni's hand resting softly against Cheryl's neck.
"No more secrets."
"No more secrets," Cheryl mumbles, and then, hit by sudden illumination of all her remaining secrets, blurts out: "I attempted suicide last winter!"
"You - WHAT?"
She bites her lower lip. It's going to be a long night.