~ billies pov ~
chapter includes: sad imagine :(
i stand in the kitchen, cutting up some fruit, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crying.
y/n completely humiliated me in front of her friends today, like an asshole. she wanted to have a game night with her friends, and i knew none of them.
i was just trying to have a good time, but i was always cut off when trying to join the conversation.
and not only that, but her friend said something mean about me, and she agreed.
"what's wrong with you?" y/n asks as she passes me, walking to the fridge. "nothing, i'm fine."
"bullshit, you're biting your cheek. tell me why you're pissed off." she interrogates me.
"maybe i'm pissed off because you and your friends are complete assholes. i didn't know any of those people!" i turn around to face her.
"then why didn't you like..introduce yourself or something! that's not my fault! jesus christ, nothing is ever right with you! i had a good time at least."
"well it's hard to have a good time when i'm being talked over the entire night and being called ugly!" i exclaim.
"literally no one called you ugly-
"you did! eric told me to not wear too much makeup because i'm prettier under all of it, and you reply 'nO tHaT's AlL tHe MaKeUp.' like what the fuck?!" i yell.
"not only did you call me ugly, but jason, the ONLY person i knew there, agreed with you! what am i supposed to say to that?" i exclaim.
"no one called you ugly! i literally don't remember that happening!" she yells back. "oh i sure fucking do!"
"okay, whatever you wanna think. you always try to make yourself the victim in everything!"
"no i don't! fuck you! maybe if you were a little nicer i wouldn't FEEL like the fucking victim all the time!"
my voice wavers, and i turn my back to hide my tears. i try to finish cutting my fruit, but i choke. i hide my face in my hands as i lean on the counter, sobbing.
"oh my god." i hear y/n laugh in disbelief. "you're an actual pussy if something as little as that made you cry like that."
"i'm sorry." my voice cracks. i put my fruit in a bowl and swiftly walk into the bedroom, locking the door.
shortly after, i hear a knock on the door. "billie, open the door." y/n says.
i huff, unlocking the door.
"if you're coming in here to call me ugly again i don't wanna hear it." i lay on the bed, turning on the tv.
"c'mere." i just stare at her, not moving.
she rolls her eyes and lays down next to me, pulling me to her chest.
"i'm sorry, billie. i don't remember calling you ugly but if i did then i'm sorry."
"do you actually think i'm ugly?"
she doesn't answer, instead she changes the topic.
"let's go to sleep, yeah?"
______________________________________
"you're not gonna talk to me that way. wait until we get home, i'll show your ass something." y/n whispers in my ear.
i look down at my hands, trying to keep from crying.
we went out to eat because i didn't feel like cooking. she tried to order for me and i told her i couldn't get it because what she was trying to get me had shrimp in it and i'm allergic to shrimp. she knows this.
she kept insisting that i get it because it was the only think on the menu that would keep me skinny, but i refused.
she thinks i was being a bitch and embarrassed her in front of the waitress on purpose, so now i'm gonna get my ass beat.
she still got me the shrimp salad, so i guess i won't be eating much.
"alright, here's your plates." the waitress comes back, setting our food down on the table.
we thank her, and i try my best to eat around to shrimp and not get any shrimp juice on my salad.
"i'm sorry. i just don't have my epi-pen on me right now and i don't wanna risk-
"i don't give a shit. don't think that apology shit is gonna stop me from disciplining you."
i put my fork down, not feeling the urge to eat anymore.
time skip
we get in the car and my heart starts racing. i know what's about to happen once we get home.
maybe if i try to distract her, she won't do anything to me.
as she puts her belt on, i lean over and kiss her, holding the back of her neck.
"you don't understand how horny you're making me." i lie, slipping my tongue in her mouth.
i'm not horny, but whatever gets me away from an ass beating, i'll do.
"babe what are you doing?"
"i wanna have sex with you. right now." i lie once more, rubbing my hands over her chest.
"in a chili's parking lot?" she raises her eyebrows as i climb into her lap.
"nothing we've never done before." i smile through my bitten lip, slowly unbuttoning the buttons of my shirt, revealing my cleavage.
"i love it when you act like a slut." she nips at my lip, slipping her tongue in my mouth.
as we continue to make out, i feel like it starts to get a little harder to breathe. i pull away from her, holding onto my throat.
"y/n, what...what did you have for dinner?"
"...i had the same thing you had." she shrugs. "did you eat the shrimp?" i ask. "of course i did."
i start to panic, climbing in the passenger seat.
"get me home. now. i cant breathe." panic settles in my stomach, and i feel like i'm gonna faint.
she lets out a strings of expletives as she quickly speeds out of the parking lot.
"billie control your breathing, don't start huffing. that's only making it worse." she says as she speeds through a red light.
she's going 80 in a 50, and even though i know she's gonna get at least three tickets tonight, i need to get home.
why didn't i bring my fucking epipen?
she's swerving passed cars, making me scared. my throat closes up to the point where i can barely breathe.
after a couple minutes she pulls into the driveway, coming over to my side and carrying me into the house. i don't even care about buttoning up my shirt, paparazzi can go fuck themselves.
she lays me on the couch, running into the bathroom for my epipen. i always keep one in my bathroom, and the other in my purse. i guess i just forgot to bring it.
she comes back and lifts up my skirt, jabbing it into my left thigh.
my throat starts to not feel as tight anymore, letting me take longer drags of air. i start crying from the fearful thoughts that i was having.
what if i would've died?
y/n slaps me, making me hold my cheek with a gasp.
"don't ever scare me like that again!" she yells. "i know why you kissed me. you knew i ate shrimp and you just didn't wanna get your ass beat, so you gave yourself an allergic reaction so i could feel pity for you."
i shake my head as i cry. "no i didn't! i.." i cut myself off, still trying to breathe normally.
"you bitch!" she backhands me. "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about!"
i stop crying. the last time she "gave me something to cry about" i was bleeding and couldn't walk for 2 days. i don't wanna do that again.
"that's what i thought."
she walks away, mumbling to herself, "try to take you out and this is how you act?"
i wipe my cheeks, feeling a hive breakout on my face.
wonderful.
i stand up and walk to the bathroom, feeling her gaze burn holes in the back of my head.
i put on pajamas and then put aloe on my face to make the hives better.
y/n comes in to brush her teeth and i walk out, not wanting to deal with anymore of her bullshit tonight.
i check my phone for the night, already seeing a stupid news article about me.
Billie Eilish shows off her busty figure as she's seen being carried into her house by new girlfriend. Wonder what they were up to...
i wasn't "showing off my busty figure" my shirt was unbuttoned, and we weren't about to fuck, i was literally on the verge of suffocating to death.
i hate news articles.
______________________________________
oh my god....
i'm doing it.
i cant take this anymore.
it's the only option.
y/n's laying behind me, passed out, her arms snuggly wrapped around me.
i've thought about leaving for months, but whenever i'd try to, i'd either feel horrible or she'd do something nice for me.
i think i'm for real this time.
i slowly try to move her arms off of me so i can pack my stuff, watching if she wakes up.
i feel her pull me closer and kiss my neck.
"where're you going?" she asks, her hand wiggling around under the covers to try and find mine.
my heart breaks, tears slipping from my eyes.
"i'm just going to use the bathroom. go back to sleep." my voice wavers, but not enough to be noticeable.
"alright, be back soon. you're warm."
"k."
i walk to the bathroom, leaning against the door.
now how am i gonna do this?
fuck.
i pretend to flush and wash my hands, walking out of the bathroom.
i see her with her eyes closed, so i sneak over to the closet, closing and locking the door.
i grab my duffel bag off of the top shelf, throwing in random clothes.
tomorrow when she goes to work i'll sneak back in and get more of my stuff with claudia.
she's helping me get out of here.
i hear a knock on the door, making me pause.
"what's going on? are you okay?" i hear her raspy and sleepy voice call out.
"i'm okay, i just...thought i saw a spider and i wanted to save it." i open the door, and i'm met with her eyes half open, scratching her head.
we lay back down and she kisses my head, making me regret my decision.
i put my forehead against hers, trying to find a reason to go, and a reason to stay.
i love her so much, but sometimes she's...physically and mentally abusive.
i don't wanna leave and never find someone with a charm like hers, but i don't wanna stay and have to cover the mental and physical bruises.
i start crying, closing my eyes.
"i can't, i can't do this." i whisper cry.
"stop crying please. i'm trying to sleep." she grunts, turning over to face away from me.
she's used to me crying at night, it's almost a nightly thing at this point.
i get a notification on my phone, and i check to see who it is.
claudia
i'm here.
hurry bc i need gas
"i....have to go to claudia's house. she's trying to build an entertainment center." i make up, sliding my shoes on.
"at 2am?" she questions. "yeah. her and fin have been up on night trying to build it. it's a three person job."
"i'll see you tomorrow. bye." i lie, making my heart shatter, knowing it isn't true.
"k, bye." she yawns.
i take my duffel bag and walk out of the house, sighing at the gut wrenching feeling.
i see claudia's car and i hop in, and she starts driving as soon as i put my belt on.
i soon start to come to the realization of what i just did, and i hide my face in my hands, crying in freedom and sadness.
claudia puts her free hand on my back, rubbing it.
"you did it, billie. i'm fucking proud of you."
"i did it. i did it." i smile through my tears.
the benefits of me leaving outweigh the cost of me staying.
i can find someone else who treats me right, and isn't with me because i'm billie eilish.
i'm free.
a/n
omg this was so sad to write :/ it was also total shit but....