I woke up today and decided today , this Friday was my last day at home. I'm ready to face my reality now but for today I'd stay in the comfort of my sanctuary and I'd cook up a feast for my family but mama surely didn't have all I'd need. Her cooking was delicious my grumbling tummy and the watering of my mouth can attest to it but she didn't use all the spices I did so off I was early in the morning. I was hoping not to run into any of my mothers nosy peers who masked their envy and invasive questions with smiles and lectures. You'd have to be daft to miss the barbs of bitterness in their words of 'wisdom'. I really could do without them but this was a small town and I knew just the sight of me would spark all kinds of probable causes of my visit at home and at the top of that list would be a failed marriage and so as hopeful as I was I braced myself for the prospect of running into at least three of our villages gossips and have them pry into my business.
I consoled myself with the fact that I knew they preferred to shop at shoprite which happened to be on the other side of our one street town and not the pick n' pay in the single storey mall that comprised of a single grocery shop, two fast food joints a Spur and the Nando's mimic, Pedros , a Mr Price , a Spec savers, a cafè with a name that doesn't come to mind, one of those pharmacies all our grandmothers line up at to get over the counter pain killers for all their illnesses because it's more affordable and a clicks if my memory serves me well and a few others. It seemed stiflingly small to me as I preferred the big malls in the big cities that had a map, and directory at every turn but for my home town it was an improvement and it afforded many of my people jobs so I shouldn't complain.
And as if someone had paid all my neighbours to come out on this here day I ran into five of them just as I entered the mall but they thankfully didn't stop me to chat but again they were my peers . We'd gone to school together. They unfortunately hadn't made it out of this town, presumptuous of me to assume they'd want to leave because at some point I hadn't either aside from going away to study. My dream was to come back and build a clinic for my people and spend my days tending to their health. What I mean is they hadn't pursued any dreams or furthered their education and somehow had engraved it into their heads that I thought myself better than them so they kept the greetings short, well the guys did. The ladies fixed their faces into stoic frowns so I wouldn't even attempt to greet but I was grateful for that. I didn't want to exchange pleasantries with peers we had nothing in common with any more aside from that I didn't have the strength to partake in society just yet which begs the question of why I left my house at all today but I thought the fresh air would do me good and I came early as not to encounter that many people.
I was now in the snacks isle grabbing several bags of peanuts for my father, he loved them, when MamMazibuko came up to me. "My eyes must deceive me! Is that you Zonke?" She asked putting her hand over her eyes as someone would do to see better under the gaze of the sun. She looked older, the wrinkles around her eyes and mouth more defined and her complexion several shades darker from the years of ploughing her fields without the proper protection of her skin against the sun.
"Sanibona Mam-Mazibuko. How are you?" I asked praying the smile i had on display seemed polite. "I'm fine child just the aches of old age. How are your parents? I saw your car's been in the yard for sometime now. Aren't you married? Why are you dressed like this? You head, it's uncovered!" She said incredulously. I thought there was nothing wrong with my gym tights and my top didn't stick to my body as so to outline my body and it went over my butt and I was home, why would I cover my head even in my father's homestead? "Where's umkhwenyana? I hope you didn't flee at the first sight of trouble. All men cheat. You just turn a blind eye mntanami. Do you think we'd be married to your fathers for as long as we have if we fled with every harlot they rolled around in the grass with?" It'd be the day pigs fly when I let a man cheat on me or mistreat me and I stayed and she lives on the other side of the hill so my house is hidden from hers and with the walking stick in her hand I doubt she's walking over the hill anymore to sniff out the whole village's business but over the years it's somehow just found it's way to her so despite her limitations she's got her knees deep in whose husband is sleeping with which widow, whose child isn't their husband's and whose daughter came back from her marriage and who is and isn't a witch.
"Mama I really must go." I said brushing her off. I held onto my trolley and pushed it to the fridges. This part of the store seemed clear of any customers which I was grateful for. I picked out two full chicken, two steaks. I wasn't quite sure which I'd make. Ice cream, Chocolate ice cream drizzled with chocolate sauce sounds comforting right about now and I got just that. I was excited to get home and dig generous spoonfuls of the chocolatey goodness. Just as I closed the ice cream freezer a lady materialised from thin air in front of me, well not literally but it felt that way because I could have sworn I was the only one in this isle and held onto my right hand it took all of me not to squeal in pain from how tight her grip was. " Your tears are not in vain. Your sister hears you." She whispered out staring into my eyes that seemed to mirror the pain I felt within. A lone tear slid down her left cheek. "All will be well child do not worry your heart any longer." She pat my arm and I watched her walk down the isle and disappear into the next.
Let me get my vegetables and scadadle before I have a meltdown and lose my wit. At the till I greeted the cashier but wasn't entirely focused on what I was doing. I relied on muscle memory to guide my goods from the trolley to the counter. My thoughts were still on the lady in the freezer isle. What had she meant? Who was she? I'm certain I've never seen her a day in my life. "Ntombizonke you seem far away. Unjani?" Thandiwe's voice spoke in the distance bringing me back to the present moment. " Hello Thandi, sorry. How's your little one?" A fond smile braced her lips "He's well thank you, thinks he's a big boy now and asking me every question under the sun." It didn't sting as bad as I imagine it would hearing her speak of her child but a dull ache remained. " That's wonderful. I'll see you around." I said tapping my card and smiling at her, the first smile that was actually genuine today " It was nice seeing you. Keep well." She said packing the last of my plastics and I went off on my way.
My day's off to a good start. I hope it stays just that.
Yanda's POV
I haven't seen my wife in close a month now. I blame myself for that. Had I not suggested we have children I'd still fall asleep to the feel of her weight in my arms every night. The sheets would still smell of her pomegranate body spritzer, the bathroom a maze of her many lotions, serums, scrubs masks, shampoos, conditioners gels and everything else in between that she insisted upon even though her skin was as supple as a baby's bottom and her hair as soft as cotton candy "Well it wouldn't be if I didn't nurture it!" She'd reply every time I'd complain about how she took up my side of the counter as well and that she didn't need all this stuff because she had perfect skin and hair.
I missed her so much it hurt and all at the same time I am so so angry at her. She left me alone, did how I feel not matter. I may not have physically carried them inside me but I loved them too and feel the weight of their loss everyday just as much. I don't mean to make this about me but I was there for every appointment, every milestone, the morning sickness. I saw how much she longed to be a mother and how each time we lost a child it tore away at a bit of her soul and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't put her back together but what about me?
I let my anger and these thoughts fuel me for the first few weeks and buried myself in work. I only came home to shower and change into a fresh set of clothes but most of my days and nights were spent in the confines of my office walls. I thought about drowning my sorrows in spirits but I thought of my family. I had a family now and the person who's always holding us together like glue is at her worst and it would be selfish of me to not meet her past the halfway Mark the one time she's falling short. Tomorrow will be a full month since she's been gone and I won't wait for her to come back. I'm going to her. I miss her.
When I got home to the note she left I called everyone I thought she might have seeked solace with but none knew where she was. When I was at my wits end I resorted to calling our parents. I know she'd be unhappy with me if that's not where she was but I was worried sick so I'd deal with the consequences of that afterwards. I called her mom and thankfully found that she was there. I've called every day asking about how she is and seemingly being home was doing her good even though she hadn't told them why she was home and seemed to be staying long and I too respected that and kept it away from both our families until my wife was ready to share that with everyone. My mother in law was really supportive and comforting for someone we kept in the dark and I appreciated that very much. I'd say it brought us closer in a sense
The anger soon ebbed away and gave way to the hurt and longing for her. I don't care even if we don't have children. She loved me even when I couldn't make her what she's always wanted out of life, when I thought myself worthless and when I was undeserving of her love. I don't love her because she's loved me through all that but it sure does add onto the many reasons why I love her.
Zanda although not as aloof as I'd like her to be is more than happy to have never ending sleepovers with her aunts and uncles. I go and see her every other day and she always asks after her koki and I tell her she's somewhere children can't visit and it always leads to an endless stream of questions about when is she coming back, whether she'll call today and many more. I bet this is what Zonke meant when she said I'll question whether I'm doing a good job at this parenting thing every other day . I question whether leavings her with our friends is wise but I can't raise her on my own full time. I ensure all her needs are met but I'm barely hanging on myself I can't competently care for a young life who constantly needs attention. I know I'm failing both my wife and sister but this is my best for now.
Zonke's absence makes admire her more for the roles she plays and played without a helping hand that I'm unable to. She's more than what I once attempted to reduce her to. I need her beside me in fact I'm leaving now. I'll be there by late morning.
I stopped by the garage to fill up the car and get a few energy drinks and set off on the long journey to my heart.
I arrived in town just after 10:30 and that's when it dawned on me how impulsive my decision had been and the fact that I was in shorts and didn't have a set of clothes to change into but that was the least of my worries right now I just needed to see my wife but I couldn't disrespect my father in laws house so I against my better judgement stopped at the mall and bought a pair of pants from identity and changed into them before driving to Ntombizonke's house with my heart almost beating out of my mouth in anticipation .