Chapter 38
CODA POV:
Seconds.
The seconds tick by and the night is absolutely silent.
The seconds feel like minutes. The minutes feel like hours.
How long has it been since she’s stopped crying?
I heave a heavy sigh, the weight of it all crushing upon my shoulders.
I think back to summer nights and crashing waves and the way the light caught strands of her hair, making her whole body glow.
When I close my eyes, I can hear her laughing—light and free, not yet tainted with the burden of my past, my regrets and my sorrows.
Somewhere between the seconds I spend closing my eyes, the image of her laughing morphs into the sound of her screaming.
She is gasping for air, writhing, and begging for them to stop—
And I can’t seem to do anything to stop the nightmares. I can only hold her tighter in my arms and tell her over and over again about how much I love her, a pathetic and worthless statement, that does nothing to stop her tears.
I can’t sleep.
I find myself watching over her as she sleeps, her soft body tucked against mine as she shakes.
I can’t do anything right.
She mutters my name and I kiss her face, stroking her hair and say ‘I’m right here, baby” but deep down in my heart, I feel empty—
I feel empty—
Watching her cry and morph into a scared girl who tries to appear strong for my sake, makes me feel empty. It kills a piece of my heart I didn’t know I had left.
I yearn for her laughter again.
I want to go back to our carefree bickering, to the days we had spent without the burden of Cordero in our minds.
Everything had changed so quickly and I found myself grasping for the loose ends, unwilling to let those happy memories go because right now—
Right now all I felt was sadness and guilt.
Sometime in the early mornings, when all is still dark outside, I wake up gasping for air, biting my lip until I draw blood to stop the scream about to unfold from my throat. I wake up with the image of her body lying in Ridge’s spot, blood pooling from her chest, her guttural gasps of air saying ‘Don't let me die’ again and again—
I ground the palm of my hands into my eyes to erase the image and scoot impossibly closer to Hazel, tangling myself around her, her steady heartbeat and soft breaths slowing my own heart beat.
I do my best to keep quiet, to not let her know that my demons are haunting me just as much as hers are because I have to be strong.
I was the cause of all of this and I needed to fix this.
So I don’t go back to sleep. I don’t go back to sleep so I don’t slip into the memory of Ridge’s blood on my hands or the image of my mom lying so pale and still on that hospital bed—instead, I think about the girl in my arms and stroke her cheek, drying her trail of tears.
I think about Cordero’s flash drive and what it has to do with the files that Hazel’s father has and about how I hope Rick rots in jail and about how I fear that my determination won’t be enough to save Hazel—
Just like how it wasn’t enough to save Ridge.
Sometime in the early morning, when the faintest beams of light come through the windows, slanting across her body from the iron gates over it, Hazel wakes up.
She wakes up mumbling my name half coherently and clings to my arms around her and despite all my worries, I smile.
I kiss her shoulder, her cheek, her nose, and finally her lips, shifting her so I am hovering slightly above her.
When she opens her eyes into half slits, still sleepy, I am grinning down at her, refusing to show her my worry and my pain.
“Hey beautiful,” I mumble, brushing her hair away from her face.
She blinks a few times, her nose scrunching up as she swats my hands away.
“It’s so early. Why are you up? Why does it smell like waffles in her?” she mumbles, closing her eyes again.
I laugh, leaning my forehead against hers. She keeps her eyes closed but I know she’s awake know from how fast her heart is beating.
“I didn’t cook you breakfast yet. Sorry, I was a little preoccupied,” I say, grinning.
She laughs and with that laugh, everything seems little brighter.
“With what?” She asks. She knows the answer though. I know it.
I lean back and she opens her eyes, grinning back at me.
“Well for starters, I can’t stop staring at the rat nest your hair has become or the fact that you snore in your sleep –“
She gasps in horror, punching my chest and I chuckle, quickly kissing her lips.
“I’m kidding. Geez woman, has anyone ever told you that your punches hurt?”
she rolls her eyes, looping her hands around my neck and I settle my body weight over her.
“Jeremy taught me so of course I hit hard,” she snorts.
“Who taught you how to properly hold a fist though?” I retort.
Hazel groans. “I forgot for a second okay! I already knew not to tuck my thumb into my palms, you just got me all flustered and I forgot. If you tell Jeremy about that, he’ll poop a cow saying ‘my little baby sister doesn’t know how to throw a punch?!’ and then he’ll—“
She stops suddenly, growing quiet. My heart drops as her smile drops when she thinks about Jeremy again and the fact that he’ll probably never want to talk to me again.
“You know what?” I say, keeping my voice light. “Waffles sound pretty awesome right now and I think I remember how to make them.”
The sadness lingers in her eyes but she smiles at me, running her fingers through my hair. “I can cook waffles.”
I snort the moment she starts laughing as I get up, pulling her up with me.
“We both know that you’ll burn the house down the moment I hand you the waffle iron,” I say, brushing my thumb across her lower lip.
She looks up indignantly at me. “You are asking for a beating mister,” she warns.
I wink at her. “Looks like someone is getting frisky.”
She turns red and tries to hide her embarrassment by punching my good shoulder.
“Now you’re just being mean,” I say, feigning hurt as I grab her hand and we make our way down to the kitchen.
The air is cold in the house and Hazel shivers.
“Here,” I say, plucking my jacket from the couch and handing it to her.
As I get started on the waffles, I can’t help but revel in the fact that Hazel and I were bolder with each other. Neither of us wanted to hold back what we felt for the other.
With the thought that life is short and unpredictable, it felt foolish to not just grab her hand when I felt like it or kiss her lips whenever she was near.
‘Life is measured in moments like these,’ my mother used to tell me.
Hazel hops onto the counter beside me, swinging her legs and stuffing her hands into the pockets of my jacket.
“I think you’re just scared I’ll cook better waffles than you,” she says, keeping up the light atmosphere in the room despite it’s grey interior. “But I’ll let you—“
She stops talking but I don’t look up, engrossed in pouring the batter into the waffle iron. “What’s wrong? Did you finally realize that I’m a better cook?”
Glancing up at her, I freeze.
She holds up the small red flash drive between her fingers, staring at it with an undecipherable expression and just like that, the atmosphere is filled with memories of the crunch of metal and her screaming and the sound of tires roaring across the asphalt. I can hear Rick taunting me again, threatening Hazel and I clench my hands into fists.
“Put it away Hazel,” I say quietly, my voice sounding harder than I intend..
I swallow hard, trying not to think about the fear building in the center of my chest from the memory of Rick slamming her into the car as she clawed at his hands and struggled for air—
Hazel is talking but I don’t hear her until the end.
“We have to look at this sometime Coda, Cordero will get to us soon—“
I slam my palm onto the counter with a loud smack and Hazel jumps.
I can’t even look at her.
“I said put it away.”
She wants to argue, I know she does. I know that no matter how much I raise my voice, she won’t show her fear. That’s the thing about Hazel, she is a fighter.
She tugs at the sleeve of my shirt but I don’t want to look at her. I don’t want her to see the ashamed look in my eyes from the memory of her lying on the ground, broken and bleeding.
After I refuse to budge, she gets impatient, grabbing me by the shoulders and yanking me until I am standing in front of her. My hands rest on her thighs instinctively and she has a determined look her eyes.
“I am not going to let you shut down. You left me that night,” she says and I flinch. “ but I trusted you enough to let you go but now I’ve had enough. You don’t get to just lock me away in times of trouble anymore Coda.” She says, worked up.
I begin to protest.
“We are in this together. Together, do you understand?” she asks firmly. I look away and she places her palms on my face and makes me look at her, her gaze softening. “We are both scared of losing the other but you can’t hide from me, I can see that the guilt is eating away at you and this burden is too much for you to carry. You can’t carry Ridge’s death around with you forever—“
“Hazel, I can handle it,” I tell her, not wanting to hear anymore.
She was so selfless.
Here she was telling me that she didn’t care if she was in harms way as long as she could help me and yet I was the one that brought this entire mess on her.
You’d think I would have learned my lesson after Ridge.
But she was right though, I carried Ridge’s death with me everywhere. I would never forget my failure to him and that was my punishment for not getting him out of the gang life as soon as I should have.
And now, with Hazel, I didn’t want her to delve deeper into this messed up life of gangs—into my messed up life.
There is a lump in my throat and I swallow, chastising myself for not being stronger.
“I’m not letting you leave me again,” Hazel whispers.
My head snaps up to look at her and I match her determined glare.
“Hazel, if I think that the best option is for you to go into hiding while I—“
she sighs in irritation, crossing her arms.
“We will go into hiding,” she says, air quoting it with her fingers. “if we decide that it’s the best option. What part of I’m not letting you leave me again did you not understand?”
She is fuming but so am I. the anger I feel isn’t directed at her, it’s more from my own frustration.
“What part of 'I’m not letting you get hurt again did you not understand?” I ask, clenching my jaw.
“You can’t just lock me into a room! Neither of us asked for all this trouble. It with a simple contract and turned into something neither of us expected—“
“The contract is ridiculous! I wish I had never done it. You wouldn’t be in this mess right now and—“ I stop, gaping. “Are you crying?” I ask incredulous.
I reach for her but she sniffs, angrily shoving me away.
“You wish you had never done it?!” she asks, angry.
The words had tumbled from my lips before I had even thought about them.
“Hazel, I didn’t mean it that way,” I say gently, cupping her cheek. She is about to push me away again but I grab her wrist, pressing my body against her to keep her from moving.
She won’t look at me and I know she is embarrassed and angry for crying and that causes a sta b of pain through my chest—knowing that I can’t stop hurting her.
“Hazel,” I say, getting her to look me in the eye and see the truth in them. “I’m sorry. I was angry and scared and I said that without thinking. Of course I don’t regret the contract. How can I when it brought me you?” I ask, brushing her tears away. “you showed me what it was like to be in a family again—granted some of them are crazy—but I’ve never felt so loved, so at home since…well you know, Ridge,” I tell her earnestly.
She sniffs, blinking her tears away and watching me distrustfully—like she is trying not to forgive me so fast.
“I’m sorry,” I say, leaning in until I am inches from her face. I wasn’t leaving until she forgave me. I had made the mistake of leaving her to dwell on her anger with me and it had only made things worse.
She shuts her eyes, swallowing hard and trying to contain her tears. “You don’t trust me enough to help you.”
Hearing that from her, I feel angry for making her believe that.
“No,” I say forcefully. “That is not the reason why I left you. Not even close.” She stares at her lap and I can’t stop talking, wanting her to forgive me. “I’m sorry for leaving you to deal with the mess with your family that I created. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that if I left and joined Cordero again, doing all these sick tasks, he would leave you alone but he is brutal and he is trying to punish me by getting to you. I don’t know how you can be so willing to stay with me knowing that,” I tell her, my voice rough. “After everything I’ve done, how can you want to stay?”
She doesn’t answer me for a long time and I try to push down my fear that she will push me away and realize the truth behind my words. I half wanted her to want to leave me and half wanted her to stay with me, to not leave me alone.
“Why are you still crying?” I ask brokenly, brushing her hair out of her face so I can see her. she is still hunched over, staring at her lap, her shoulders shaking. “I’m sorry. Truly Hazel, I regret having you involved with my messy past and I don’t know what else to do because I’m scared. I’m scared that you’ll die too and—“
“I love you,” she whispers, crying quietly.
I stop talking, my hands dropping from her shoulders as I stare at her.
My silence seems to give her courage because she looks up at me, squaring her shoulders.
“I love you, Coda,” She says again.
~*~
Hazel POV
“The contract is ridiculous! I wish I had never done it. You wouldn’t be in this mess right now—“ Coda yells angrily.
His words hurt me more then I like to admit.
One minute I am waking up to his handsome face grinning up at me and the next we are bickering again. We couldn’t even have a normal breakfast together.
"Hazel, I'm sorry."
Coda is angry and beating himself up about everything.
“Why are you still crying?” he asks, his voice breaking. He brushes my hair out of her face. “I’m sorry. Truly Hazel, I regret having you involved with my messy past and I don’t know what else to do because I’m scared. I’m scared that you’ll die too and—“
The thing is, I know he is scared and that he wasn’t thinking when he said that comment about the contract.
I am upset because he was trying to shoulder all of this on his own.
I am upset over the fact that Jeremy and I aren’t talking anymore. I am upset that I had ruined Gwen’s wedding. Upset that Coda had left and I didn’t run after him.
I was upset over so many things and yet the only thing I could dwell on was the fact the boy in front of me put on a façade to try to be strong for me when I knew that he was just as tortured as I was.
Coda is still rambling about how sorry he is and all I think about his arms around me last night, never letting me go as he soothed my cries.
And the truth is, not matter how upset I am at him or how great the risks are, I'm not going to walk away from him because I know that deep down, he doesn’t want me to leave too.
“I love you Coda,” I whisper so quietly I’m surprised he hears me.
I loved him and I wasn’t leaving.
That determination is what made me strong.
When I look up, meeting his incredulous stare, I lift my chin, daring him to try to talk me out of it.
“I love you,” I repeat.
And I mean it.
I felt it when he kissed my tears away last night, i felt it whenever he called me ‘ill mio cuore’, when he put up with Evelyn’s crap for my sake, Even when he was angry, I loved him because I knew that even if he couldn’t communicate it sometimes, Coda was angry with himself because he was scared.
“I know you don’t really want me to leave. that’s why I’m here with you now. if you didn’t care about me or my family, you would’ve let Cordero do whatever he wanted with us. You can’t just make me go into hiding so you can be a knight and clean everything up without me—“
He interrupts me by kissing me fiercely. Crushing me to his body, he kisses me like I am air to him and I cling to him too.
“I love you too,” he murmurs as he breaks away to lean his forehead against mine. “And you have no idea how long I waited for you to say that.”
I nod, breathless as we both just stand there.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” he asks, hopeful.
“Yes,” I whisper. “No more secrets and no more leaving. We fix this together.”
Coda struggles with agreeing but with one look from me, his sighs, chuckling lightly. “Fine.”
“Good,” I say, content. “Oh, and your waffles are burning.”
Coda curses, jumping away from me to quickly throw the waffle maker open.
He swats all the smoke away and I choke on my laugh as he fans the air frantically with a towel.
Half an hour later, the waffle maker is unplugged and resting on the counter, the waffle batter permanently burned onto the surface. Coda and I are sitting on the couch, my back against his chest with a computer on his lap.
Empty cereal bowls are off to the side and I try and hold back my laughter because Coda is still irritated about the fact that he burned the waffles.
“How do you do that?” Coda groans, flinging an arm over his eyes.
“Do what?” I ask.
He opens one eye to give me a knowing laugh I burst out laughing, pointing at the massacred piece of burnt waffle on the plate.
“How can you be so silent yet still seem to make fun of me for feeding you burnt waffles?” he asks.
“It wasn’t that bad.”
He gives me another long stare and cracks a slow half smile that has my heart stuttering.
“Sure baby, sure. Thanks for lying though.” He says lowly, his voice warm as he leans down to kiss me.
He draws out the kiss, half pushing the computer off his lap onto the table to pull me closer.
My skin is tingling from where he touches me and I never want this to end.
With that said, I have a way of jinxing myself.
Coda’s phone rings sharply, enough to make me jump and send my heart on overdrive. I clap a hand over my lips to hold back a scream.
Coda looks at me worriedly, entwining his fingers with mine as he answers his phone.
“What’s up Aurelio,” he asks.
Coda pulls me to him, stroking my hair and I am thankful. It is calming. I am still slightly embarrassed that I jumped at something so simple as a phone ringing but for a second, I though it was someone else in the house.
Coda sits up suddenly. “What?”
Breathe I tell myself. Please breathe.
“Okay, we’ll be ready for you,” and with that, Coda snaps the phone shut.
He is on his feet in lightening speed, pulling me up so fast I see back dots.
I sway on my feet and Coda wraps an arm around my waist. “We’ve got to go.”
My throat goes dry. I want to ask so many questions but I know I shouldn’t because Coda is running his hands through his hair as he spins around thinking about what he should bring. He quickly grabs the bowls and throws them into the cupboard and begins to tidy up the table to look like we weren’t here.
I run up the stairs and grab my backpack, snatching my phone off the counter too. I throw the bed sheet over the bed for good measure. By the time I make it down stairs, Coda is stuffing a gun into the back of his jeans and pulling his black shirt over it.
I freeze.
There is pressure building in the center of my chest I know that I have to stop, that I can’t lose it now because there was something going on but seeing the gun was like a snap of reality, a dose of the terror that I tried to shove deep down.
Coda turns around and falters slightly when he sees me.
“Are you ready?” he asks me. I nod numbly and one look, Coda just knows.
He crosses the room in three large strides, grabbing me and hugging me fiercely for a long moment. It only lasts a moment but it's everything I need. The panic attack I felt building up in my chest settles down.
And then he let’s go, grabbing his backpack and computer bag.
He opens the door, grabbing my hand to pull me out just as a black mustang comes to a skidding stop in front of us, the dust momentarily blinding me.
The door opens and a man with golden hair and a medium build comes out, the car still running.
“Cordero is asking for you. I don’t think he knows Hazel’s with you yet but we should get you out of here. Do you think he remembers this place?” the man asks Coda.
He knows my name.
Coda growls, muttering under his breath. “I don’t think so but I don’t want to take any chances, someone might mention this place to him.” Coda looks at Aurelio and for the first time, I see something akin to a plea in his eyes. “Can we stay with—“
“Me?” Aurelio finishes. Yeah sure, why not? as long as we go now. I mean it’s not like I already a dead man.” He adds sarcastically. Coda ignores him.
Aurelio grabs my bag to put it in his car and unintentionally, I hold it closer to myself.
This doesn’t phase Aurelio who flashes a bright smile my way. “I do apologize for not introducing myself Il mio carina, I am Aurelio Capello,” he says, taking my limp hand and kissing the back of it.
I flush, smiling shyly. “Um, hello.”
“Okay, back to business Aurelio,” Coda says, annoyed. Aurelio shares a knowing smirk with me that translates to he’s jealous and I grin.
Coda turns to me, towering above me. “Listen,” he says softly. Aurelio takes the cue and heads to his car, shutting the door giving us some privacy. “I want you to go with Aurelio—“
“Nope!” I say, turning away to head for his car.
Coda snags my elbow gently, bringing me back, a pleading look in his eyes.
“Please Il Mio Tesore, I’m not trying to leave you. We don’t have time and—“
“Coda, I’m going with you.”
He shakes his head, bending down to cup my face. “Trust me. Please. I will meet you back at his house.”
My chest hurts from the growing amount of pressure and I have to keep telling myself to breathe.
He looks so torn, so desperate and I just-
I give in.
Because I trust him with everything in me.
Coda sees the resignation in my eyes and sighs in relief.
But I don’t let him off the hook just yet.
Grabbing him around the neck to bring him closer until his lips are inches from my lips, I stare determinedly at him. “If you’re not back tonight, I will look for you and when I find you, I will kick your butt for making me worry. No more running.”
Coda laughs and kisses me, pulling back and pressing a shorter kiss on my lips. “No more Running. I promise baby.”
I hold back my tears as I nod and quickly round the mustang to slide into the passenger seat.
Coda throws his stuff into his truck and gets into his truck, waiting for us to head out first.
Aurelio rolls down his window and pulls to the side of Coda’s truck.
“You better drive as safely as you do when you get a new paint job on your car, “ Coda warns Aurelio.
Aurelio waves him off, revving the engine.
“If you don’t, I will scratch this car up,” Coda yells as Aurelio speeds off.
I look back bewildered to see Coda hot on our tails.
Aurelio rolls his eyes. “Your boyfriend is so touché. I swear, he’s worse than a woman protecting her credit card.”
Ummm.
“I mean, threatening to scratch up my car? Really?” he continues.
He swerves and I clutch my seat belt. Coda honks loudly from behind as a warning before taking a sharp left.
“Tell your boyfriend to relax, I was just avoiding a pot hole,” Aurelio snorts.
“Where is he going?” I ask, breathless as Coda disappears off the road.
“Who knows?” Aurelio says, patting my hand.
That wasn’t comforting at all.
I sit back, biting my lip to hold back tears.
Get it together Hazel. Get it together.
A/N- I beg of you, please comment and vote. I worked really hard on this chapter ( i don't know if it's good). It was kind of a filler chapter but i think it's important to keep in mind that Coda has his demons too and of course they had to address his whole 'i'm leaving thing' because it can't happen in the future again right?
i hope you are all well! I love you!
if you have the time please check out my story 'The Night Vigilante' it might be my next major work...