The best thing I love about you. It's the fact that you accepted me for my abnormality.
No wonder you're a part of my family.
-Unknown
(YOUR P.O.V.)
Tada... was supposed to die. He was supposed to die. But Takemichi changed that and saved him. If it weren't for him--
then Tada could've really- "Shi-chan?" I snapped away from my train of thoughts after hearing my name. Tada was looking at me from behind him.
That's right... We got Lily back and returned her to Kenzo, and now, we're heading home. "What's wrong?" he asks in a concerning tone. What am I supposed to say? You were supposed to die, but Takemichi saved you. No, that'll just make his fear worse. I don't want him to get involved in more danger because of me. He's only a kid!
Wait. Just a kid. How come I only fully realized that now? Tada was always by my side, yet... I forgot he was different from me. I'm mentally an adult, while he is mentally and physically a kid. Why did I keep him by my side if I knew he was gonna be in danger if he gets involved with me? What was I even thinking? What the hell was I even doing? Why did I-- "Hey, Shi-chan. Are you really okay?" his voice sounded more worried than before.
I opened up my mouth, ye why won't any words come out? I want to say I'm fine, but. What if... he actually dies somewhere in the future? I don't want that. I don't want him to get involved. He is only a kid. I can't ruin his future. "Tada..." I uttered out, but the next words I want to say are not coming out. It's hard, I don't know why, but it's hard. No. I have to do this. I'm doing this for his sake. I'm doing this for his future. I'm doing it for them. I'm doing it for their sake. I'm doing it for their future. They need to be happy. They need to be alive. "Let's...Let's talk."
Tada looked at me with confusion and a hint of worry. He shouldn't be looking at me like that. I don't need his worry. No, I don't deserve it. "Sure..." he mumbled. I knew that some way or someday our friendship would turn out the wrong way. But. As long as he is happy with Shuji, then I'm okay with it. I need them alive. I need them to be happy. We decided to have our conversation on the treehouse. On our way there, it was quiet. Tada knew something was wrong with me, but he knew better that he should be quiet. Before I tell him my side of the story. Every step I took over the snowy ground and every air I breath within the cold atmosphere. It's making me feel worse.
(3rd P.O.V.)
After such a chilly and awkward silent walk towards the treehouse, you both finally arrived. Tadashi was about to climb up the rope, heading above, but you stopped him. You touched his arm and pulled him down, "Let's just talk here," you faintly smiled at him. Causing Tadashi to be even more nervous about what you have to say. The feeling inside his gut has kept him from getting a relaxing breath of air. 'What does she want to say? She's been awfully quiet now... is she mad at me? Did I do something wrong? But what? Should I make an excuse? I'm sure she won't get mad at me just for a mere mistake. I always have Shuji nii-chan to back me up.' He thoughts to himself full of positivity and confidence as his nervousness drastically decreased. "Tada..."
"Let's end everything here."
"What?"
"I mean, let's end the whole changing the storyline thing." You chuckled the best you can, showing how confident you look. "There are only 2 arcs left for this year and the next year. I can handle those by myself, so don't worry." you smiled, "We can still be friends, and our relationship won't change, nothing will. Well, except for the fact that I'll be the one to handle everything from now on."
You explained further, "You're already a teenager, Tada. You should be enjoying your life instead of always following me. You should be spending your days filled with fun, and besides, we only have a little bit of time left before you moved to the states with your mom, right?" you smiled as if you didn't care any or didn't even think too much of it. You looked up at him, expecting a reaction like an "oh" expression, but when you did. You were stunned by the look on his face. It wasn't the kind of sorrowful look you expected. In fact, it had a mixture of anger. His brows were furrowed, and the gaze he showed you were full of mixed feelings that you can't fully process yourself.
"Are you serious?" his voice went hollow. "Listen, Tada. I'm doing this for your sake, and I can handle everything. Just trust me." You said in a persuading voice, "Trust you?" his brow twitched, and the tone of his voice sounded harsh for a moment. "I do trust you, Shi-chan. So why can't you do the same to me?" he questions you. "What... what are you talking about? I do trust you-" "Lies!" he yelled as you looked up at him with shocked eyes. "You don't truly trust me at all!" he yelled once more as you took a breath in and yelled back in protest. "I do trust you! What's wrong with you all of a sudden?!"
"If you do, then why are you pushing me away?!"
"I am not pushing you away, and I'll never ever do that." You said in an undertone as you held your ground before him. "I just want you to be safe. You're still a kid, Tada. Please understand my reasons. I'm doing this for both you and Onii-chan-" "UGH! JUST SHUT UP!" you were stunned by his sudden outburst as you flinched.
Tadashi was never like this. He never acted so... so full of rage. "It's always Shuji this! Shuji that! This is for him! This is for her! This is for his sake! This is for her sake! It's always about other people!" he fumed at the tip of his lungs, causing you to remain silent and shocked. "But what about you, Shi-chan?!" that question left you speechless.
"All you care about are for other people! But what about you?!" he pointed out. You were stunned by his sudden question, leaving you speechless for a moment. "Tada, keep your voice down." You sternly said with an upsetting expression as Tadashi gulped from the cold tone of your voice. "This question of yours is stupid, to begin with," you let out a frustrated sigh.
"I do care about myself. I just focus on the characters of this world so that I can give you and Shuji a good life." You stated, gaining a disbelief expression from Tadashi. "Characters?" he emphasized, "They're just characters to you?" he darkly chuckled. "...T-That's what they are..." your voice hesitated a bit. Tadashi couldn't believe it. All this time. All these years. That's what you see in them. Just characters. "What about me? Am I just a character to you too?"
You couldn't speak. You couldn't utter out a single word. Is it because what he said is the truth? No, that isn't true. You're sure of it that it isn't true. You think of him as more than just a character. You think of Shuji as more than a character as well. The same goes for him. "You know that isn't what I meant Tada..."
"Then what is it that you meant?" he questions you.
"If we aren't characters to you, then what are we?" he voiced out once again with a stern voice. "You--..." You hesitated. Your voice wouldn't come out, your mind couldn't process anything to answer. 'Why? This wasn't what I intended...' you thought to yourself.
You averted his gaze. You couldn't answer him. Both your heart and mind hesitated to answer. You kept silent as he looks at you with a wretched expression. Tadashi believed that everyone you cared for was important to you. Not just some random characters inside your favorite anime, but as real people.
"This conversation isn't going anywhere." You started, causing Tadashi to look at you, stunned. "I'm leaving Tada. Let's talk tomorrow." You said, "So you're just gonna run away?" he sneered.
"I'm not running away."
"It sure looks like it." He crossed both of his arms, "You're always like this. When it's always about you, you run away. You always back out when the topic is about you! But when it comes to other people, Like Shuji nii-chan, Mikey, Emma, and Takemichi! You cared!" he raises his tone. "You always put others first before you! That's just being selfish of your own well-being!" "How is caring for others selfish?! I'm just doing what's right!" you yelled back. "Exactly!" Tadashi exclaimed. "All you think about is the safety of others! Your priority is always them! You're always putting them first! But when are you gonna put yourself above?!"
"What about now?! You're pushing me away because I almost died right? You're pushing me away without even thinking nor asking what I feel about it! That's just being selfish, Shi-chan!"
"I'm doing it for your sake!" you yelled in rage.
"For fuck's sake! This isn't about me! It's YOU!" Tadashi continued. "Stop thinking that you have to shoulder everything on your own! Like it's your responsibility! You were never tasked to do any of this! God didn't give you a 2nd chance to just change this whole damn storyline!" Tadashi clenched his fists on his sides. "You were given a 2nd chance, Shi-chan! A second chance to live again! A second chance to enjoy life to the fullest! But you chose not to!"
"Stop pretending to meet everyone's expectations of yourself!"
Now that hit a mark inside your chest.
"Ne... Shi-chan..."
"Were you ever happy in this life?"
Your chest went rock bottom after hearing that question. You don't fully know why. But that question. Suddenly hits deeper than it should be.
"...Of course I'm happy..." you said softly but with a hint of uncertainty that you tried to hide, and Tadashi could hear it. "Stop lying." He gritted his teeth, "We are not just characters, Shi-chan..! We have a life! We have a soul! We have a body that continues moving in life! Why can't you accept that?!"
"I do accept that--"
"No, you don't! To you, we are just fictional characters that you used to watch outside the screen!"
"I don't see you all like that! I do care about you all! I'm just... just... doing this to change everything..." you gulped slightly. "I'm just... doing this for Shuji's sake..." "If you're really doing this for his sake, then why didn't you leave?"
"What?"
"Your smart Shi-chan so don't even try to deny it. You could have left Tokyo together with your father and never come back. That way Shuji nii-chan could have a good future and not get involved in the original storyline. You had a choice that time Shi-chan. Your father offered you that choice." He sternly said, "So why did you stay?"
"Why did you even stay and get involved with other people's lives just to change their fates? Just like what you did with Baji."
"So I could change--"
"Is that really the reason? Are you sure, Shi-chan?"
You didn't answer.
Tadashi was irritated as a nerve popped out of his cheek. "For fuck's sake, Shi-chan!" his voice sounded desperate. "Open your eyes already! This is your new life! Your new home! This is now the world that you'll be living forever! Stop seeing the people around you in this world as mere characters!" he yelled in rage. "Why can't you accept that already?! Is it that hard for you to do?!" he stomped his foot at the snowy ground. "The person you were back then is now dead! You're now Shiori Hanma! Not that person! So wake the fuck up and move on!"
Move on. That isn't easy to do. That was never easy to do. What right do you have on me to tell me to move on about my past?
You gritted your teeth. Feeling angry, yet feeling ashamed. Your knuckles were starting to turn white as you clenched on the hem of your shirt tighter. "Stop it, Tada." You warned him with a burning gaze.
"Stop what? The fact that you can't handle even a piece of your past self?"
"Stop."
"Or the fact you're using other people just for their sake?"
"Stop."
"Or maybe the fact that you kept pretending to be strong when in reality your nothing like the rest of us just because of those stupid ideals of yours of changing everything-"
"I SAID STOP!"
"No. I'm not stopping until I get through that thick skull of yours that no matter what you do or what you even say! It doesn't change the fact you're just a weak, selfish, manipulative, user, liar, bossy, crude, and cynical person who doesn't even think of a person's feelings because she's doing it for their damn sake as if she was a God, but she's nothing close to living livestock, who is struggling to pull off this shitty world!"
"....................."
After that, Tadashi instantly covered his mouth in shock. Now realizing what he spat. You were standing there before him, feeling stunned, and couldn't utter out a single word. Your posture stiffed from hearing of all of that. A heavy feeling inside your stomach suddenly gushed its way inside you. Making you feel so displeased and uncomfortable, then wanting to go to the bathroom and vomit every unpleasant feel inside you. "Shi-chan... what I said-.. I didn't mean to-" "I'm going home." You cut him off before he could even finish, and you immediately ran away, heading home.
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
You felt numb after your argument with Tadashi. You didn't know what to do or even say of the words he spat at you. You were in the kitchen, slicing carrots for dinner. You couldn't focus on the task before you as you were stuck in deep thought of what Tadashi said.
"Were you ever happy in this life?"
'I am happy.'
'I am happy in this life.'
'What a stupid question to ask. I have always been happy.'
'I am happy!'
"Ouch!" you were awoken by the sharp pain of your finger that you accidentally caused by the knife at your other hand. You cursed beneath your breath as you head over to the faucet to wash off the blood on your finger. This whole thing. This whole world is making you crazy. Tadashi's words were still roaming inside your mind as you shook your head to get rid of those unpleasant thoughts. Then, after a moment, they were finally gone. You thought you can finally have a moment of peace by yourself, but then again. The human mind often doesn't go the way we wish for them to do.
The sudden image of your past life's mother and father appeared themselves inside your mind. Their voices linger within your eardrums as if the voices are there to only haunt you.
"You left us..."
"How could you abandon us like this..?"
"You left your family..."
"You promised to take care of us once you get older and offer us a better life..."
"You don't deserve to be happy after abandoning your own family."
"You're so unfair..."
"You don't deserve to be happy."
"I... don't deserve to be happy..." you repeated those words as if it was a chant you need to cast upon yourself for the sins you have committed in this world. Almost like a prayer of all the sins you made, and the people who you caused pain. 'I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I... don't deserve to live--'
"Oi!"
A warm hand touched your wrist with a firm grip. You looked up to see who it is, and it was none other than Shuji standing beside you with furrowed brows. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he questions you. You were bewildered on why he was acting like this.
You looked down at where he put his hand, only to see him gripping on your wrist as you held the sharp knife pointing directly at your throat. 'Eh? How did--' You were even more surprised than Shuji. Seeing yourself holding onto a sharp knife, pointing directly at your throat, sent a cold shiver down your spine.
"What's up with you?" he questions you once again as he gently pushes your hand down, away from your chest. He grabs the knife from your hand and placed it on the kitchen aisle. "I...I... suddenly feel tired, that's all..." you said quietly as you rubbed your forehead with your thumb. Shuji gently places his palm on your forehead then bent down a little to meet your height before he moves his head on his hand that's on your forehead.
After a moment of inspecting, he gazes up at you, locking eye contact. "You don't seem to be sick. Go upstairs and take a nap, I'll order dinner for the three of us." Shuji said, "Three?" you raised your brow. "Yes, egghead." Shuji rolled his eyes at you, it's obvious that he's referring to Tadashi, but Tadashi won't be having dinner with the both of you.
"You don't need to order one for Tada..." you whispered, "And why?" he gazes down on you as he held his phone in front of him. You bit your lower lip, afraid to answer him as you looked down at the ground. "It's nothing," you shook your head as you made your way past him and went upstairs, heading to your room. "What the fuck is her problem?" Shuji cursed before he dials the number of a ramen shop that you guys often eat.
As you went upstairs you couldn't help but suddenly feel scared as you headed over to your room with shaky legs while gripping on both sides of your arm. You closed the door behind you as you turned around, and leaned your back against the wooden door of your room. You let out a disquiet sigh escape your lips as your knees gave in, and you slowly sat down on your bedroom floor. You covered a quarter of your face with both of your hands covering it, because of the sudden feeling that almost drove you crazy. You could hear your heart beat pumping faster and faster just by remembering that moment in the kitchen where you held the knife unconsciously. "What was I..."
"About to do...?"