Chapter Eight: Liking You
"Katerina."
Tiningnan ko siya sa mga mata niya. They were sincere, genuine, and full of affection towards me. Sometimes 'di ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ako pa, kung ano bang meron ako at ako ang nagugustuhan niya.
"Hm?" ngumiti na lang ako.
Huminga siya nang malalim bago niya itinuloy ang sasabihin niya, kahit na alam ko na ang sasabihin niya.
"May crush ako sa'yo, crush talaga kita." tinapos niyang sabi.
This time, ako naman ang huminga nang malalim tsaka ko hinawakan ang pareho niyang kamay niya nang mahigpit.
"I'm sorry, hindi pa 'ko handa." sagot ko sa kanya.
Mukhang naintindihan naman niya ang sagot ko. Tumango siya pero blanko na ang eskpresyon ng mukha niya.
"Pasensya na talaga, gusto ko lang talagang mag-focus sa studies ko. Sana maintindihan mo. I think you're a good person, I've only met you this year pero alam ko na mabait at matalino kang tao."
"T-Talaga?"
Ngumiti ako nang malaki nang lumabas ulet ang ngiti niya.
"Oo. Pero tulad nang sinabi ko, hindi lang talaga ako handa. Kaya pasensya na."
Minsan naiisip ko kung paano nila nakukuha yung lakas para sabihin sa gusto nila yung nararamdaman nila. I'm a bit jealous because of the courage, kahit na may risk na marereject sila o talagang ayaw nila sa kanila.
But I think the hardest thing to do is to hide your feelings for that person for a very long time. And I've been hiding it for years now, nagsimula sa crush lang pero heto... gusto ko na talaga siya. And it's still hard for me to figure out how I'm going to deal with this realization of newly developed feelings for Alexander.
Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya yung totoo. Pero natatakot ako, takot talaga ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano napunta sa ganitong desisyon, basta ang gusto ko ngayon ay sabihin sa kanya.
Naiinis nanaman ako. Naiinis talaga ako na may crush doon sa babaeng yun. Kung sino man siya. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya, it's like something opened inside me sa galit. Una si Anne, I was mature and because Anne was a friend, I just hid my feelings pero of course medyo masakit.
Puro ako selos, inis, ewan ko. But this is just something I can't let go anymore. Mas lalo lang sumasakit, humahapdi. Kahit ako napapamura.
"Huy, ang seryoso mo."
"Hm?" nagising ako sa biglang sinabi ni Genevieve sa tabi ko habang kumakain kami sa likod ng library ulet.
Wala kaming ganang pumunta sa canteen kaya nag-dala na lang nang pagkain si Genevieve para sa'ming dalawa. I'm just here taking sip of some Iced coffee dahil wala akong ganang kumain. How can I even think about eating kung nababaliw ako kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na gusto ko siya?
"Seryoso mo, sabi ko." sagot niya ulet sabay pisil sa pisngi ko.
"Ah, alam mo naman malapit na yung mga exams, kinakabahan lang ako." nakangiti kong sabi.
Genevieve, kung alam mo lang yung totoo siguradong mapapaaway ka. For now, I can't tell you the truth. I can't tell you about what I'm planning to do. Gusto kong seryosohin 'to. But this is the thing, sasabihin ko ba lang talaga agad or should I do something else?
And because of my own thoughts, 'di nanaman ako nakakain nang tanghalian. I was too distracted, pero sanay naman na 'kong hindi kumain nang tanghalian sa school. It doesn't really matter.
I sighed. Let's just forget it for now, isipin ko muna yung pag-aaralan ko sa exams. Hindi maganda na hindi ako mag-aral dahil lang sa kanya. Magagalit pa si mama pag ganun.
Tinapos ko yung iniinom ko at tapos na rin si Genevieve na kumain nang tanghalian niya. Bumalik kami sa loob ng school bago mag-ring yung bell. Medyo maaga naman kami pero mas maganda na nandun na kami. Wala naman din kaming gagawin sa library.
Nakaakbay si Genevieve sa'kin na hawak hawak yung lunch box niya. All I could explain to Genevieve about my actions these days is just I'm tired. Alam niya kung paano ako mag-aral lalo na when I procrastinate two days before the exams. She believed my excuse immediately.
We were just walking nang makita ko si Alexander na nakikipag-usap sa mga kaklase na'min sa may bintana ng classroom na'min.
He seemed playful and fun around them. Naaalala ko tuloy yung unang beses kaming nag-usap, hindi yung basa yung uniform ko nang ramen, hindi yun. He was playful and he was also talkative, but at the same time he was very flirty.
I hated the way he flirted because he sounded like a playboy to me. But then we became friends and close friends daw sabi niya. Kapag wala si Genevieve, siya ang kasama ko sa canteen, sa gym, pati na rin sa field trip na'min last year. He was always around me, and I was with him too.
Hindi nakakakapagtaka na nagustuhan ko siya. He's perfect, he really is. It is safe to say that I like my friend, a special friend.
Nag-tama ang mga mata na'min at agad kong inialis ang atensyon ko sa kanya and just went inside the classroom without even looking back at him. Napuno agad nang takot at kaba ang buong katawan ko.
Ramdam ko rin ang pag-pula nang mga pisngi ko kahit na walang salamin at kahit 'di man sabihin ni Genevieve kung namumula ako. I'm so embarrassed, this new realization of me liking him and wanting to confess my feelings is so confusing.
Paano ko sisimulan? Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya? Paano kung 'di niya 'ko magustuhunan and just reject me? How am I going to react?
"Rina."
Shit.
Unti-unti akong lumingon para harapin ang taong tumawag sa'kin. He's still outside but I can see him in the window, maliit ang ngiti niya at ngumiti na lang ako pabalik habang nakahawak ako sa dibdib ko sa nerbyos.
Bigla na lang siyang pumasok sa loob ng classroom kaya umupo na lang ako sa tabi ni Genevieve na nag-lalaro sa cellphone nanaman niya. God, talagang 'di rin ako tutulungan ni'tong babaeng 'to!
"Rina." ramdam ko yung pagtawag niya sa likod ko.
Busy pa rin si Genevieve sa paglalaro niya. Sasabog na yata ako. Sinampal ko ang pisngi ko nang mahina bago ako ulet ako lumingon para harapin si Alexander na nasa may locker na'min malapit sa bintana.
Seryoso ang ekspresyon niya. I took a deep breath and stood up as I walk in his direction next to our lockers. Narealize ko na wala na yung mga kaklase na'min na kinakausap niya kanina sa may bintana. I wonder where they went.
"Hm? May kailangan ka ba?" ngiti kong sabi.
"Do you have a problem with me?" he asks while maintaining his expression.
"What... problem are you talking about?" muntik na 'kong madulas sa sinasabi ko.
"Hindi ko alam kung may nasabi ba 'ko o may nagawa akong masama pero kung meron man sabihin mo naman sa'kin. This is driving me crazy, Rina." nawala ang ngiti ko sa sagot niya.
I'm still avoiding him. Medyo okay naman kami kaso talagang nilalayuan ko siya minsan dahil 'di ko na kakayanin yung nararamdaman ko at parang malapit na 'kong sumabog. He's close, too close. I realized how close we are together kahit na normal yun sa kanya kaya siguro inakala nang iba na naging kami.
I had to debunk the rumors immediately before it comes to him.
"Wala kang ginawang kasalanan o nasabing masama, Alexander."
"Then why? I already told you that I don't know what I'm going to do with you avoiding me like this. Just tell me, Rina. I don't like you avoiding me at all!"
"Hindi nga, Alexander. I already told you na busy ako at malapit na rin yung exams na'tin. Yun lang yun."
"Pero kailangan mo ba talaga akong layuan? Am I some distraction to you? Because if you're going to say yes, you know it will be the stupidest excuse you've ever said."
"Alexander!" Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at tinaas ko ang boses ko sa kanya.
Thank God na nasa labas pa rin yung mga kaklase ko at 'di pa nag-riring yung bell kung hindi talagang maririnig kami. Hindi naman ganon kalakas ang boses ko but it's enough to make his eyes widen in surprise.
"YOU are not some distraction, it's not an excuse. The truth is I really wanted to focus on my exams, it's very important and I want to do well. Sinabi ko na nga 'di ba?"
I'm not upset, I'm frustrated with myself. My heart is full of fear right now.
"Fine. Fine, Rina. Kung yan ang gusto mong sabihin, if that's your excuse, I'll let you have it your way. Looks like you'd rather be with Silas than me anyway." narinig ko sabi niya bago siya mag-lakad papunta sa upuan niya.
Teka lang, paano ta'yo napunta kay Silas? Anong kinalaman ni Silas sa usapang 'to? Is this something about me hanging out with him one time? Is he still thinking na baka may nabubuo sa'ming dalawa ni Silas? Baliw ba siya? Sinabi ko na ngang ayaw ko sa kanya?
May sasabihin pa sana ako pero nag-ring na yung bell. I sighed in anger and disappointment of myself. Bumalik ako sa upuan ko sa tabi ni Genevieve na nag-lalaro pa rin hanggang yun.
"Anong nangyari? Someone confessed to you again?" she asks with her full attention on PUBG.
Grabe, mas importante pa talaga yung larong yan kaysa sa best friend mo, Genevieve. Sumandal ako sa upuan ko for a few seconds bago ko kinuha yung libro ko at binder ko para sa klase.
Hindi ako nakinig sa buong lesson at satsat ng teacher. Binabalik balikan niya lang yung mga dapat na'ming pag-aaralan para sa exam na'min. And just like that, without recess or more breaks, natapos na rin yung klase na'min.
I still avoided Alexander at pinanood ko na lang siyang umalis sa school. Halata talaga na galit siya dahil sa sinabi ko. God, ano nang gagawin ko? I'm terrible at trying to make a conversation with someone who's upset.
Genevieve bid goodbye and went inside the car.
Grabe ang araw na 'to. Ang gulo, nakakastress din. Ngayon may bago nanaman akong problema, ginalit ko si Alexander for sure dahil sa sinabi ko. I know, it's an excuse, pero hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin sa kanya na nag-seselos ako. It's embarrassing for me at 'di ko pa nga nasabi sa kanya yung totoo kung nararamdaman para sa kanya.
"Rina?" I turn around to see Silas from behind me, ang laki pa nang ngiti niya.
"Ikaw lang pala." I sighed, rolling my eyes after.
"Anong ako pala? You should be happy it's me~" he smirks, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
"Wag ka nga, baka isipin pa nang mga babae mo na may meron sa'ting dalawa." irita kong sabi habang nag-lalakad kami papunta sa may bus stop malapit sa labas ng school na'min.
"Even better. A Nakamoto dating the prettiest girl in the NEOA school? Oh, please! That sounds amazing." asar pa niya.
Natawa ako nang konti at sinampal nang mahina ang magkabila niyang pisngi. Nakakainis at nakakairita man siya minsan, he's still Silas Nakamoto.
"Ba't ka pa nandito? Nasaan yung driver mo?"
"Huh, I'm good. I want to spend some time with my girlfriend first before I return home."
"Girlfriend? Bago nanaman? I swear you change girls like how you change clothes, Silas. Kaya nagagalit sa'yo yung ex mo."
"Awe, you care about me, hm?" sagot niya at tsaka pinisil ang pisngi ko.
"But the thing is... I lied." nagulat ako nang bigla niya 'kong hinila papalakad sa labas ng gym na'min.
"Anong ginagawa mo?" hinampas ko siya sa balikat niya sa gulat, muntik na rin akong madulas, kung hindi niya 'ko hawak hawak siguro kanina pa 'ko nadulas.
Huminto kami sa may entrance ng gym, naririnig ko na may nag-lalaro ng basketball yata sa may court. Ba't nga ba kami nandito? Tsaka anong 'lied' daw? Anong pinagsasabi ni'tong Nakamotong 'to?
"See that?" he said, pointing at the person who's playing basketball, it was Alexander.
"Ano naman? It's just Alexander, no one else. Mang-aabala ka nanaman ba? Hays... wala ka talagang magawa sa buhay, 'no?" I spoke, turning around to leave the gym until he grabs my wrist again.
"You can't just leave, Rina."
"At bakit? Are you my mother?"
"This is for Alexander, you have to talk to him. You have to talk to each other, right now."
Huminga ako nang malalim na sagot niya. Ano namang gusto niyang sabihin ko kay Alexander/ At anong ibig niyang sabihin? Alam niya ba yung nangyari kanina pagkatapos ng tanghalian? Narinig niya ba 'ko?
"Ano namang pag-uusapan na'min?"
"Alexander is weird, he's not in the mood. And I figured out that it's because of you."
Hindi na lang ako sumagot at pinanood si Alexander na nag-fofocus sa pag-lalaro niya nang basketball. Siya lang din talaga mag-isa, wala ba siyang driver pauwi? Baka hanapin siya nang pamilya niya at baka mag-alala yung mga kapatid niya.
"He's pissed that you have been avoiding him for almost a week now, it's driving him crazy. You are his friend and that matters to him."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Hindi ka talaga nakakatulong, Silas.
"You are special to Alexander. And this, everything that's happening right now is all because of you. So, please... talk to him."
I cursed silently to myself.
Tama si Silas.
I'm his friend, I'm Alexander's friend and yet I am treating him like this.
All because of my feelings for him, I even made excuses just to avoid him and give myself some time to prepare so I could confess to him.
Naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa balikat ko.
"Looks like you've made your decision, I'll leave now. Make sure to have a good talk, okay?" he smiles before he left.
Paano ko naman sisimulan 'to? Paano ko naman siya kakausapin?
You know what, I'll just do this. Ayoko nang mag-isip pa dahil nakakapagod nang mag-isip. Whatever happens after our conversation is just beyond me, I just want to finish this para wala nang problema pa.
And after this, I'll figure out how to confess to him properly.
Unti-unti akong nag-lakad sa direksyon niya, nag-tama ang mga mata na'min ulet sa isa't-isa, muntik na 'kong huminto dahil sa titig niya sa'kin. He's expressionless, yet it feels like he has a lot of things to say.
"What are you doing here... Rina?" malamig niyang tanong at tumalon para i-shoot yung bola.
Nabuo ang kamao sa kamay ko while holding myself back from saying anything weird. I'm still nervous, but this is the best to stop him from getting mad at me.
"Akala ko kasama mo si Silas..."
"Uhm... k-kasama ko nga siya... kanina lang?" sagot ko.
"Huh?" tiningnan niya ulet ako sabay taas ng kilay niya.
"Kasama mo talaga siya? Must be nice, Rina..." he paused, leaning closer towards me.
"I mean, after all, you prefer him over me, don't you?" dagdag niya at hinaplos ang kaliwa kong pisngi na ikinagulat ko.
Inalis ko agad ang kamay niya sa pisngi ko at hinarap ko ulet siya. Huminga ulet ako nang malalim at sinubukan ulet na kausapin siya.
"I don't prefer anyone over you, well except... Genevieve. But that's not what matters right now--"
"Then what matters, Rina? The fact that you should be studying right now and not talking to a 'distractio--"
"I told you, Alexander. You're not a distracti--"
"Well, it feels like it!" this time, siya na ang nag-taas ng boses niya.
I can see the veins throbbing in his neck in frustration.
He's totally pissed just like what Silas said earlier.
Galit siya dahil iniiwasan ko siya.
It bothers him, and for some reason, it makes me happy that I'm special, that I'm somewhat important to Silas.
"Alex--"
"This is not working, Rina. Mas lalo lang akong magagalit sa'yo..." he spoke.
He took the ball in the court and turned around.
Shit.
Shit!
I need to do something! Ayoko nang ganito! Mas lalo lang siyang magagalit sa'kin! Ayoko nang ganito sa'ming dalawa. I like him, I really like him, but before I liked him, he was my friend. And I don't want to break the friendship we have!
"Alexander!" tawag ko sa kanya.
Huminto siya sa pag-lalakad at lumingon sa'kin.
"A-Anong... a-ano... bang kailangan 'kong gawin... para 'di ka na magalit?" I asked, stuttering.
His expression remained blank but it looks like he's thinking hard about my question.
"Isa lang ang gusto ko, Rina."
Napalunok ako sa sagot niya.
"To tell me why you're avoiding me." he added.
And once again, curses filled my brain. I can't just answer him and tell the truth. Mababaliw ako, talagang mababaliw ako!
"But of course, you won't tell me. I guess, you do--"
"Dahil gusto kita!" sigaw kong sabi.
Nagulat ako sa ginawa ko kaya agad kong tinakpan ang bibig ko nang mahigpit. My heart started beating fast and my body began to react differently as if I want to just run somewhere else so I could hide from Alexander.
Natatakot akong tingnan ang reaksyon niya so I averted his eyes on me. I know, I know that he's surprised too but I'm more surprised that I just blurted my feelings for him!
I confessed! Baliw na 'ko! Baliw talaga ako! Pinaplano ko pa lang kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya!
But... but... maybe, maybe this is the right moment for me. This time, I can be honest with my feelings for him.
"I... really like you, Alexander!" sinigaw ko ulet.
"I'm sorry."
Uh oh.
I look at him. He's also looking at me with a small smile on his face, it didn't feel just like a casual or a normal smile of his, it was a bitter one.
"Hindi ko alam kung anong masasagot ko... Rina."
Maybe this is not the right time for me to tell him after all.
"Give me some time to think for now."
My mouth hung wide open from his answer.
What... what?
That means... pag-iisipin niya? Pag-iisipan niya yung confession ko sa kanya? Kinagat ko yung labi ko sa tuwa, I didn't expect for this to be a success!
That means I have a chance. That there is a chance na gusto niya rin ako.
'Di ba?