Interrogation goes so much worse than I had hoped, but exactly how I had expected. The questions were like a stab to the chest. Each time was someone was thrusting a knife back into the same wound repeatedly. My breathing was heavy and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard that my teeth shook from holding on for so long.
Sometime after Carson and I took turns gritting our teeth through the painful pictures of the past, a security guard knocked at the door saying it was time for 'The Switch.' Charles nodded and motioned for Carson and Leo to follow William for individual further interrogation while my father and mother both stepped into the room. That however, did not settle well with me. If I had to answer questions, I wasn't going to do it without Carson no matter what.
I jumped from my seat, eyes wide and alert.
I grabbed onto Carson's sleeve just as he was about to walk away. "No!" I yelled. "I-I can't do this without him." I'm given weird looks and disapproved head shakes. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Carson giving me a pleading look as to tell me, "please don't cause a scene," from his head to mine. I don't look at him.
"I'm sorry but that was not a question." William tells me crossing his arms. My breathe quickens, my heart beats fast and my head begins to spin just seeing my father and mother sit at this table. I see it. I see how their marriage failed and nothing could be done to save it. Put them in a room together and that's all you can see. Their facial expressions, their eyes, the way they go out of each others way to ignore each other is all so clear and they haven't even spoken a word yet.
My father stands from the chair he recently sat in. "Annalise-" he stops there, eyes of his own suddenly wide realizing his mistake. How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like I'm a child, trying to say something that no one else could give a crap about.
I stomp my foot on the ground like the child I am. "No! I refuse! If he leaves, I don't speak!" My head spins the more I raise my voice. Carson suddenly grabs my arms and tells everyone he needs a moment to speak to me alone. There's no surprise that everyone listens to him, despite everything that he could be accused for.
I'm pulled into the hallway, and the door closes behind us. He runs a hand through his hair, taking a deep breathe probably trying to calm his own pulse. I stand there and watch him pull himself together. "Sara, I know you don't want me to go, I don't want to either but you have to trust me with this okay?" I look away from him, at the dark wall closing us in, in this tiny hallway. "Nothing is going to happen, but you need to just go through with this. Acting like this is only going to make this longer and more miserable for everyone."
I have no control over myself when my eyes begin to water. My lip quivers and my voice shakes along with my hands. This is probably the thousandth time this has happened. I always seem to be crying don't I? I'm so weak, I can't do anything without bursting into tears. I'm so broken, mentally. Though he is basically blaming it on me, I understand. Crying every single place I go is no way to live, but there's no way to stop it. It means I'm scared. And I'm not afraid to admit that I am.
I'm a human. With feelings and thoughts. One thing can make it all happen. My heart will start beating faster than normal, my throat will tighten, unwelcomed tears will welcome themselves onto the edges of my eyes, and my body will shake. It's all involuntary. But I'm starting to realize, it needs to end. my next question is how? How can I make the tears keep themselves in? How can I stop my body from shaking like a chihuahua?
"Carson, I'm scared." I admit before breaking into a sob. He wraps his arms around me allowing to cry into his shoulder for the few moments that I completely lose myself. I feel bad because now he will have to walk around with my tears all over his shirt, but I'm so caught up in the nausea in my stomach and the constant dizziness in my head that I don't even think of it. I just keep allowing myself to completely go insane.
"I know you're scared Sara. Believe me, I know. You think I came here voluntarily? The things these people are telling me are things I don't want to know, but I need to know. And so do you. You need to relive the memories so that they can be taken off your chest. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy, but you need to stop and live through it because you're strong and you will make it. You've made it so far and can't give up now. I won't allow it. Just remember it will be over soon. Alright?" He pulls back wiping the tears from my eyes. I look at the ground ashamed. I feel weak. I feel like a little girl crying at every single scary moment that comes her way.
"I'm an emotional mess." I barley make the words audible but he hears them.
"No, you're not. You're afraid, maybe a little tired too. You're just at your breaking point. Like I said, it will be over soon just go in there, and hold in that one last breathe, and when it's over, that's it. You'll be free." Hearing the word 'free' makes my stomach flip. If I can suck up this one last time of torture, I'm done for life. No more secrets, no more hair dye, no more fake names, no more sleepless nights. No more fear. This gives me enough confidence to look up and lift my chin.
"Okay," I say confidently. I look back into Carson's eyes taking one last deep breathe before throwing my arms around his neck, inhaling the familiar scent I've grown to take a big liking to. "But please be right out here when this is over, I don't know how much I'll be able to take of both of my parents being in the same room."
Carson chuckles, "I'll be right here. The first thing you will see after coming out that door is me. I promise." I nod and let go. Carson gives me a kiss on the forehead before opening the door and letting me inside. I look at the ground silently sitting in my chair as Leo and William exit the room. Once the door closes Charles takes a deep breathe as well. "Well, let's get started shall we?"
***
"Are you kidding me?!"
Well, we made it through the first question, second one and we all lose it so get the popcorn ready.
"And tell me what kind of a life you could have given her exactly?" My mother yells at my father from across the table. Her eyebrows furrow together in anger and her eyes scream fire.
"Better then the one you gave her." He spits back. I appreciate the fact that my father is keeping his cool and is not ready to start wrestling. However it's still not a pleasant sight. My mother hovers over the table yelling in my fathers face, or at least as close as she can get. Charles holds her back when she gets too close. This is exactly why I did not want to do this. I didn't want to sit back and watch them yell until the glass of windows all over the world begin to shatter. I still fail to see the point in this whole interrogation thing. This has done nothing but cause trouble and right now I feel like I'm in the middle of World War III.
My mother's face is red from anger which makes a weird combination with the orange she wears. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She yells back. Charles looks a little frightened from the yelling, heck, I expected this though. Not saying I'm enjoying this, but when you're mother puts you in this kind of situation you shouldn't expect this to be some kind of tea party with extra cookies and croissants.
"Just look at her! You took her away from me to slowly break her down so the point where she just snapped! You completely ruined her in one of the worst ways possible! Do you know how that makes me feel? To be a dad and feel like you have completely failed? Of course you don't and you don't care!" I can tell by the way my father clenches his fists, he is trying to keep calm, he is trying to be the bigger person and not lose control. I can't imagine that being easy while some crazy woman is yelling at you from the other side of a metal table.
Charles looks at my mother, then my father, my mother, and back at my father before setting his eyes on me and seeing the disappointed expression on my face. "ENOUGH!" He yells. Even though I somehow knew he was going to say something, that made me jump almost causing me to laugh.
"You both are doing nothing to help the situation! Look at your child! Now you're making me feel like a monster for even holding this interrogation, no kid deserves to see this! Now be quite and answer the questions when I speak to you." Charles's voice got low and deadly. It worked to stop the yelling though.
"Now, Amelia, I want to hear from you first-" I cut off Charles immediately sitting up in my seat somewhat interested.
"Wait Amelia? Her name is Amelia?!" I feel like a fool. I feel like everyone might have known this except me. My father scoffs, "why doesn't it surprise me that you didn't know that?" Truth is I never really knew what my mother's real name was. It came up at times, but the subject was always forgotten about very quickly, I guess that's another thing I never picked up on.
"Excuse me!" Charles waves his hands in the air grabbing everyone's attention. "If we're going to get through this, we need to do this now!" I sit back in my chair keeping my arms crossed over my chest. Charles begins to speak, nothing I would have any interest in so I think about Carson, sitting a room similar to this one. I hope he's okay; I hope he can be stronger then I was earlier.
"Why did you take Sara to the United States Amelia?" This catches my attention. I look over at my mother. She squirms in her seat like it pains her to speak. I watch her mouth open then close. Her eyes twitch and by the amount of times she wipes the palms of her hands on her pants, I'm almost positive she's sweating out of nervousness. I look over at my father and see his eyes planted on my mother, his eyebrows furrowed and he constantly clenches his fists then lets go, then clenches them again and so on.
I also put my eyes on my mother, trying to bite my lip to hold back any expression that she may be able to read. Charles sighs from the other side of the table, "you have to speak now-"
"The experiment had to be done!"
"May I-"
"Yes."
And I leave the room, slamming the door behind me. No looking back, no tears, just disappointment and betrayal.
hey...so uh.. things aren't going well for me right now. friends are becoming enemies and things are just blah. but I'm not going to bore you with a 20 page essay on my life story but I just wanted you guys to know why the updates haven't been very frequent... anyway, i changed my username on instagram and im not sure i like it. help me out will ya? also, i keep deleting all my pictures cuz i have no idea what to post... lol. anyway as of right now my username is hannahxalverez but i was thinking on some other things..
hxalverez
hannahxalv
xxhxalverez
xxhannahxalverez
xhannahxalverezx
xhxalv
idk... which one do you guys like? Alright.. well i gotta run but i hope you guys have a good day.