"I'll leave you both alone.." V broke the suffocating silence that's been blanketing us for a while now.
I stopped crying but still I am not calm. My heart feels so heavy and I'm running out of breath. I keep on letting heavy breaths out of my body because I thought that will help but it didn't. Remembering the words my mother said to V made me cry again and again. I will stop and stare at the air but again I will resume on sobbing.
"Kookie? Have you calm down, honey?" Her sweet voice reached my ears.
"H-How...can..I calm down, mom?" I asked in between my hicks and sobs.
"Sweetheart, lend me some strength to comfort our child.." she whispered. I heard the bed creak and the next thing I knew is my mom is slumped on the floor also while embracing me into her warm hugs. The hugs that made me feel safe and calm. Her hugs that always been my sanctuary.
Breaths come out from my lips until I finally settled my rapid beating heavy heart. We stayed like that while talking with each other. I hugged her so tight, thinking that she'll disappear if I loose my grip. "Mom.."
"Yes, honey?"
"I wanted to tell you that I'm always awake every night you try to kill me. And I also heard your talk with V that same night I successfully died in your hands.." her body went rigid after hearing my words. I also heard her heartbeat race.
"I.." she run out of words.
"And it's okay mom. I know what you've been through and all your reason. I never held grudge against you. I always and will always love you no matter what you do. I love you, mom.." I cried again, together with her.
Saying those words wiped the burden off of my shoulders. It feels a lot nicer than when I shared my story to V. I closed my eyes and just savour my mom's warmth. I'm afraid to accept the fact that this might be the last hug I'll get from her.
"I'm sorry, Jeongguk. I'm sorry for being such a bitch of a mother to you. I'm sorry for doing those things to you. I'm sorry.." she cupped my face and kissed me on my forehead. Her eyes are watery and her tears are not stopping.
"I forgive you. I had forgive you.."
"I'm really sorry and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of having such a strong person as my son. I have regretted all those things for real this time. I'm so so proud that I gave birth to you, son. I'm truly sorry for having me as your mom, you don't deserve to be treated that way.."
"What are you saying? That's fine, mom. I would never ever ask for another mother. I will not trade you for anything. You made me what I am today. You raised me and mould me into a strong child.."
"I'm sorry.." was the words that left her lips before hugging me again. I just let her cry, until she calmed down.
We sat on the bed or my mom sat on the bed because I chose to lay down and use her lap as my pillow. She plays with my hair. "Can you tell me how you met dad, mom?"
"Hmm? Alright. Listen carefully okay?" She smiled and I nod. "Once upon a time—"
"Mom.." I whined. What is this? A fairytale story?
"Shh. I'm telling you a story. Don't butt in! Silly you." She smacked my head playfully and laughed. Then she resume. "I was diagnosed with cancer when I was a child. I've live my whole life behind the hospital's door and when I hit the age of 19, it became fatal and I'm supposed to die but a strange voice appear in my mind and told me that I'm not allowed to die. Can you believe that? Such a control freak your father is.." she shook her head and I laugh. I remember a certain person.
"I woke up from my slumber and I saw my mother crying her heart out. I received the news that I was cured and got discharged from the hospital. However, I have to pay for my second life. A man appeared in our house and told my mom that he is my husband. Can you believe that!? I was always in the hospital. I was always watched by the doctors. How come he will be my husband? Such an idiot." She sighed after spatting her complaints.
"And of course my mother didn't believe, resulting for him to kidnapped me. Seriously? He took me to his place. Are you V's gate, kookie?" She suddenly asked. My body stiffened and I hesitantly answered her question with the truth. She just smiled. "I am your dad's gate to hell, that's why I can't die. He introduced me to his people that I am his wife-to-be. I'm just 19 you know? Everytime that I would wake up and realize that I'm in hell, I would ran away. But I always fails. Why? Because your father have a good watch on me. And because I was so stubborn, he watched like a hawk himself. He is such a cold and rude person. He walks so arrogant but his people respects him.."
"You see, kookie. I'm a very curious person. I always want to know about everything. Sometimes leads me to my death. The first time I experience dying, I freakout and got scared but when I opened my eyes, I'm alive again. That is how I learned that I'm immortal. Well, in your father's perspective, seeing me do stupid things makes him happy. I was so ignorant about everything that's why I didn't realize that the cold hearted king have opened his heart to me, a mere girl who do stupid things.."
"Little by little, I didn't know I was falling in love with your father. He flutters me everytime and protects me from harm. I love seeing him smile. I love to hear his laugh. I love how he looks so red when I unintentionally touch him. I love how he ran away from me when he feels embarrassed. Or when his happiness is too much to hold. I love how he jump in excitement when I return his feelings to him. He really looks scary but that's because no one taught him how to be soft. He is intimidating on the outside but on the inside, he is a very very lovely person that wants to be cared.." she laughed. Her laughter is full of genuine happiness. Made me feel so happy too.
"Oh! When he first carry you in his arms. He doesn't know what to do. He's in panic when I handed you too him and it's such a cute view when I watch him hold you like a fragile crystal. If I have my cellphone back then, I would gladly took a picture of that and hang it on the wall.." we both laughed because of the last part. But I stopped. And sadness took over my mind again.
"Do you want to see him now?" I asked my mother with such sadness. A part of me want her to say no and the other want her to say yes. My soul is being ripped apart in two. It breaks me emotionally.
"I will be lying if I say no. So...yes. Yes, I want to see him but I don't want to leave you. It's so soon, honey.."
I sniffed and burry my face on her stomach. My tears are streaming down again. "That's right, mom. It's so soon. But I can't be selfish and keep you for myself. Dad called you. He wants to see you too. I think it's time to end his loneliness. I will be alright, mom. I will be fine.."
"Jeongguk.." she caressed my face with a sad expression.
Some people accept their loss without even given a chance to say good bye to the deceased. In other's eyes, I'm very lucky that I get to sent my mother. I get to say how much I love her. Some people don't have a chance like I have. They just send off their love ones with sorrow. They didn't get to say the things they wanted to say when the person is dying. That's why, saying how much I love my mom to her last breath is considered as luck.
We held a funeral but only for two days. I can't stand seeing her in a coffin. That only leads me to depression. So this is what my grandma meant when she said that someone will explain everything to me. Just like my mom, she died after dreaming about their spouse. Now they lies 6th feet under the ground and I know they are now happy with their love ones. I should be happy too, but I can't.
Now, I'm the only one that is left in our clan. Strangely, I don't have any cousins or uncle or close relatives and even far relatives. I don't have one. I'm the only one left and living. I'm the only one that is left alone.
I already settled the papers of who will inherit the company. My guts is telling me that giving away the company to my mom's secretary is a wise choice. She can handle it perfectly. At first, she keeps on denying but I assured her that it's fine. It's better to pass it on her name than some stranger. Now, she's very happy.
I wish I can be too.
V is nowhere my sight for he have a matter to take care back in his place. I went back to the mansion with a very heavy feeling of sadness. Every inch of this place only reminds me of my mom. Now that she's gone, this place is just an empty house and not a home. This is just a building filled with memories that are so painful for me.
When I would arrive, I usually shout 'I'm home' in front of the front door and my mom will rush to me and help me with my things. But starting from today, even if I yell to the top of my lungs, no one will come to help me anymore. Because the life of this house is gone. The kitchen feels so empty without her presence. How I missed her cooking while swaying her body. The table where we eat is so lonely now that I'm all alone. Our sala is not lively anymore. I.... can't live without her.
Roaming my eyes around this place makes me cry nonstop. I went up to her room and lay down on her bed. Her scent still lingers here. But she's not here anymore. I hugged the blanket she used to use. And cried all my heart out. I cried until I fell asleep. But even in my dream, she's still there and taking care of me like a mother should be.
Mom, this is torturing your son!
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I just want you to know that this is painful for me too.